Head of State (2003)
Mays Gilliam: I work in a neighborhood so bad, you can get shot while you're gettin' shot.
Mays Gilliam: You show me a grown man that's never said shit and I'll show you somebody that's full of shit!
Mays Gilliam: No, you can't use food stamps to buy tires.
Little girl: If I see Mays Gilliam I'm gonna bust a cap in his ass.
Mays Gilliam: You show up to get your pension, they give you a pen. They give you a damn pen! Now, what the hell am I supposed to do with a pen? I should just stab you in the neck with this pen, Mister Pension-Taker!
Mitch Gilliam: There's no such thing as white-collar crime. And there's definitely no such thing as black-on-black crime. Crime is crime. Let me explain something to you. I don't care if you have a white collar or a tank top. If you rob me, I'm gonna whup your ass.
Mays Gilliam: If we had laws on the Destiny's Child Video, we'd have less crime.
Brian Lewis: I think we should let the people decide.
Mays Gilliam: The people can't decide! The people are too busy gettin shot in the ass!
Mays Gilliam: The guy's avoiding me like he owes me child support.
Reporter: Who did you vote for?
Meat Man: For what?
Reporter: The President.
Meat Man: Of what?
Reporter: The United States.
Meat Man: Of what?
Reporter: Of America.
Meat Man: What America?
Reporter: North America.
Meat Man: Naw slick, I don't vote. You wanna buy some of this meat or what?
Mays Gilliam: Where are we on this running mate thing?
Debra Lassiter: I've been making calls. Nobody wants to run with you.
Mays Gilliam: Well, who'd you call?
Debra Lassiter: Everybody.
Mays Gilliam: Did you call Hammer?
Debra Lassiter: [Irritated] No, I did not call Hammer.
Mays Gilliam: Well, then you didn't call everybody.
Debra Lassiter: That's exactly what we wanted to talk to you about.
Martin Geller: We'd like you to run for President.
Mays Gilliam: Of what?
Martin Geller: The United States.
Mays Gilliam: Of what?
Martin Geller: Of America.
Mays Gilliam: Which America?
Debra Lassiter: NORTH... America, Mays.
Mays Gilliam: Get out of here.
Super Whore drill instructor: [shouts] You call yourself a whore?
Mays Gilliam: Who the hell are you to call this place a rat-trap? This is my neighborhood. This is where I'm from. I got my first bike stolen right there.
Mays Gilliam: My daddy got his bike stolen right there. When I have a son, I hope he's fortunate enough to get stuck up, right there!
[Mays is trying to save an old woman from a house that is about to be demolished]
Mays Gilliam: Miss Pearl! You gotta get outta here. They're gonna blow this place up.
Miss Pearl: [Miss Pearl is stroking her cat, relieved that she found it] Oh, they wouldn't do that, would they? When they know we're in here.
Mays Gilliam: Miss Pearl, I love you. I've known you a long time. You've seen a lot of things in your life. You've seen churches burned to the ground. You've seen dogs sicced on children. You've seen Malcolm X killed. You've seen JFK killed. They shut up Muhammad Ali. They shut up Richard Pryor. They gave Magic Johnson AIDS. They even turned Michael Jackson white! Now, do you really think these people give a damn about you?
Mays Gilliam: How many of you, right now, work two jobs just to have enough money to be broke? That ain't right.
Martin Geller: Look, one thing at a time. The Teamsters haven't endorsed Lewis yet. Our numbers are creeping back up, but if you want a real shot at this thing, we gotta get Lewis to debate.
Mays Gilliam: Well, he knows that. That's why he won't debate me. The guy's avoiding me like he owes me child support.
Mays Gilliam: [on a bullhorn outside Lewis's office] Yo, Lewis! Your mother's ass is so big, when she sits down, she's three feet taller! Yo, Lewis!
Advisor: Sir, I think it's time we prepare for a debate.
Brian Lewis: Aw, give me one good reason I should debate that jerk.
Advisor: [distressed] He talked about your mother, sir!
Brian Lewis: So what?
Lewis' mother: [Lewis's mother enters and slaps him] Are you going to just let him talk about me like that?
Klansman: Hi, I'm a Klansman. I hate niggers, Jews, and fags, but I love Bryan Lewis!
[Cuts To Video Tape Of Osama Bin Laden]
Osama Bin Laden: Yo yo wassup I'm Osama Bin Laden. I hate America but I love Bryan Lewis.
Mays Gilliam: I asked my niece the other day what 4 plus 4 was. She said 44.
Crowd Member: It is!
[Mays and Mitch are interrupting Brian Lewis's campaign commercial shoots to force him to debate Mays]
Mays Gilliam: I thought I told you that we won't stop, I thought I told you that we won't stop!
Mitch Gilliam: You gotta dress for the job you want, not the job you got.
Mays Gilliam: [in his closing speech at the presidential debate] America is the richest, most powerful country on earth. If America was a woman, she would be a big-tittied woman. Everybody loves a big-tittied woman!
Mitch Gilliam: You can survive a stroke, but the high prices of medicine will give you a heart attack.
Mays Gilliam: Don't steal my car now.
Warren: I don't want that garbage.
Warren: What'm I gonna do? Feed yo car to my car, man?
Mays Gilliam: Are you seeing somebody else?
Kim: I'm seeing everybody else! I've met mosquitoes with more force than you!