- God: Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is THEY have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
- Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!
- Grace: Oh, thank you, God.
- Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
- [Grace gasps in disbelief]
- Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.
- [mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]
- Bruce: Oh, well. No big deal.
- Control Booth Operator: Oh boy.
- Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
- Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.
- Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.
- Grace: Come on. What are you doing?
- Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
- Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
- Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?
- [sticking his face into the camera]
- Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
- Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
- Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.
- Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you...
- [makes a fist gesture]
- Bruce: fuckers.
- God: [reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not much for blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.
- Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Oh darn, all this horsepower and no room to gallop!
- [Bruce sticks his two index fingers out, and moves them apart, causing all the cars to automatically pull over, leaving the way clear]
- Bruce: High ho silver, away!
- [Bruce drives down the road at high speed]
- Bruce: [shocked] Are you spying on me? Who are you?
- God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and Earth. Alpha and Omega.
- Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going.
- God: Bruce... I'm God.
- Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!
- Homeless Man: [last "sign"; holding up] "ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE"
- God: [the man itself morphs into God; uses hands to cut to black] Clap-clap.
- Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break!
- God: [Bruce is instantly transported to meet with him] Really something, isn't it?
- Bruce: Is this heaven?
- God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
- Bruce: [after a pause] I'm DEAD?
- God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.
- Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is NOT funny.
- [Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads]
- Bruce: Okay, now you're just showing off.
- God: Triumph is born out of struggle, faith is the alchemist. If you want pictures like these, you'll need to use some dark colors.
- God: [referring to the seven fingers on Bruce's right hand] I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.
- Bruce Nolan: [He sees an attractive girl walk past. He blows, causing a gust of wind to lift her skirt] And he saw that it was 'good'!
- Bruce: [Grace is in the kitchen washing up. Bruce grabs her from behind and pulls her into a kiss] Morning.
- Grace: [Cheerful and giggly] Good morning. I made you grilled cheese.
- Bruce: [He sits down at the dinner table] Ooo, my favey.
- Grace: Honey last night was just...
- Bruce: Heavenly? I know, I know...
- Grace: I mean, you know, I woke up this morning and I felt like... like my boobs were bigger. I mean, do they look bigger to you?
- Bruce: [Accidentally squirts ketchup all over his sandwich] Uh, what? Your... uh... bigger?
- Grace: Oh, come on!
- Grace: [She jiggles her boobs for him] Look at them, please! They are definitely bigger, I mean, look, they feel huge to me!
- Bruce: Listen, I uh, have to go. But this has been the breast beck... breast... thank you.
- Grace: [Bruce kisses her] Where are you going?
- Bruce: [He turns around, confident] To get my job back.
- Bruce: [chuckles] This is hilarious. So you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor. Must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk, though. One of you might need a ride home.
- God: [Bruce laughs followed by him laughing] You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father. He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either, son. People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor. There's freedom in it. Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
- Bruce: [sticking up his middle finger and pretending he's playing a jazz tune] I can hold that note all day, buddy.
- Bruce: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.
- Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "GOD BEE GOOD HONEY"
- Bruce: [holds up his own sign] "WHATEVER HE SAID - >"
- Bruce: [first lines; over black; as "Man"] Ally, can we get a recap?
- Ally Loman: You remember the Kowolskis. They're owned the shop for 30 years, and they are attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie. And... you have to wear this.
- Bruce: [as "Man"] A hair net?
- Ally Loman: Health department.
- Bruce: [as "Man"] You're kidding me.
- Ally Loman: If you're around the cookie, you have to have it on. It's the law.
- Bruce: [as "Man"] I just did the hair. The hair is perfect. All right, give it to me.
- Bruce: [cut in to Kowolski's Bakery in Buffalo; The Man, reporting for the Buffalo TV station, rises up with the hair net on his head] God, why do you hate me?
- Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
- Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
- Bruce: Let's try that again, shall we?
- Bruce: [Beep-beep; New take] So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
- Mama Kowolski: So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy?
- Bruce: And isn't it nice to see all their smiling faces?
- Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.
- [Exasperated, Bruce tosses the mic to the counter]
- Bruce: [Grace is sitting on the sofa, putting together a photo album. She hears Bruce singing from outside the door] What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, tryin' to make his way...
- [She opens the door, and sees Bruce standing there]
- Bruce: hoooooooooome!
- Grace: [surprised] Oh my God.
- Bruce: You can call me Bruce.
- Grace: What happened to you? You seem so-
- [He interrupts her with a kiss]
- Grace: happy.
- Bruce: Why shouldn't I be? On a night like this.
- [He presents her with some flowers]
- Grace: Ooooh... those are amazing! What are these?
- Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... tudaisies.
- Grace: Okay...
- [She walks away to get a vase. Once she's gone, Bruce magically closes the door with his powers. He follows her to the kitchen and strikes a flirtatious pose in the doorway]
- Grace: Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night...
- Bruce: Last night I was only human.
- [He backs away seductively]
- Bruce: Barry, help me out here.
- [the stereo magically turns on to Barry White's Never Never Gonna Give You Up]
- Grace: I'll be out in a minute!
- Bruce: Don't rush yourself! Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure.
- [Growls]
- Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with pleasure, and her knees buckle, causing her to hold onto the sink for support] Oh God! Oh!
- Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.
- Grace: Wow.
- Bruce: It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!
- Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with even more pleasure, and she falls onto the toilet seat, knocking over several bottles as she does] Oh my God.
- Bruce: [Bruce thrusts his hands in Grace's direction, and starts sending pleasure to her with his mind] Pleasuring pleasurable pleasuring...
- Grace: [Grace writhes in sexual ecstasy on the seat, as she suddenly has the most powerful orgasm of her life] Oh God!
- [Moaning]
- Grace: Oh good God!
- [She collapses onto the floor, overcome with sexual delight]
- Bruce: ...pleasurable pleasure.
- [the bathroom door opens. Bruce quickly stops chanting and adopts a casual pose. Grace is standing in the doorway, using it for support. Bruce growls at her like an animal. She runs at Bruce, who grabs her and throws her down onto the bed. Outside their apartment, we see their lights flickering, and hear Grace's loud moans of sexual bliss. Bruce cries out triumphantly]
- [after gang beats up Bruce]
- Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "LIFE IS JUST"
- Bruce: [reads sign] "LIFE IS JUST"? Just get a clue!
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
