Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
Kung-Fu Action / Comedy / Horror / Musical about the second coming.
The first testament says "an eye for an eye." The second testament says "love thy neighbour." The third testament KICKS ASS! The filmmaking team that brought you Harry Knuckles and won the "Spirit of Slamdance" prize with Harry Knuckles and the Treasure of the Aztec Mummy ups the ante with this tale of the ultimate action hero: Jesus Christ. The second coming is upon us, and Jesus has returned to earth. But before he can get down to the serious business of judging the living and the dead, he has to contend with an army of vampires that can walk in the daylight. Combining kung-fu action with biblical prophecy and a liberal dose of humour, the film teams the Savior with Mexican wrestling hero El Santos against mythological horrors and science gone mad, and also manages to address contemporary sexual politics. And did we mention that it's a musical? This sure ain't Sunday School.
- Vampires are killing lesbians in the city of Ottawa. Maxine Schreck [Murielle Varhelyi]
and Johnny Golgotha [Ian Driscroll], two important members of Father Eustace's parish are
missing, and Eustace [Tim Devries] can no longer sit by and watch, so he calls on the
help of the greatest vampire hunter of all--Jesus Christ [Phil Caracas]. After a shave,
haircut, and some new clothes, Jesus sets out to kick vampire ass, aided
by Mary Magnum [Maria Moulton] in her red jumpsuit.
Maxine and Johnny, now vampires, are running a vampire ring. They prefer to feed on lesbians (because nobody will miss them), and Dr Pretorius [Josh Grace] grafts lesbian skin to the bodies of vampires, allowing them to walk during the day. When Mary falls prey to the vampires, God sends the masked wrestler, Santo Enmascarado de Plata [Jeff Moffet], to help Jesus. Together, they kick and stake several dozen vampires and get kicked and staked a bit themselves. When Mary, John, and Maxine attempt to quarter Jesus, Santo bites the ropes that bind him. Fr Eustace, also a vampire now, stakes Jesus through the heart. But this serves only to let his heartlight shine on the vampires, reducing them all to dust. Fortunately, Jesus is able to heal Mary Magnum, who requests that he also heal Maxine so that they can be together. [Original Synopsis by bj_kuehl]