Scary Movie 3 (2003)
Mahalik: I heard Jamal from 90th street watched that tape last week and this mornin' he woke up dead!
CJ: How the hell do you wake up dead?
Mahalik: Cause' you're alive when you go to sleep.
CJ: So you're telling me you can go to bed dead and wake up alive?
Mahalik: You can't go to bed dead! That shit would've been redundant.
CJ: No it would'nt cause' you can go to bed and not be dead, and you can die and not be in the bed.
Mahalik: But you are in the bed. That's how you wake up dead in the first place fool!
CJ: Damn! that's some quantum shit right there man! You should be teaching classes!
Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...
[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]
Ross Giggins: and an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?
Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.
Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.
[Ward types his text]
Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
[everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]
Ross Giggins: Oh, shizl gzngahr, % + 7, , 193419 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn (, , 18 469
[Janitor takes over the keyboard]
Ross Giggins: I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President y'all. I'm outie.
George: Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm wack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back
The Architect: We loved our daughter very much, but she was evil. Made the horses crazy. Killed our puppies. Hid the remote. Really sick shit. My wife took her to the old family farm and drowned her in the well. I felt a simple time-out would have been sufficient.
George: Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... She's dead.
Tom: Oh. I better tell her.
George: No, no, no. I can do it. Sue?
George: You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?
George: She's dead!
George: Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death! Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!
Sue: My dog's dead?
George: I just ran him over with the car when I drove in! Everyone you love around you is dying!
President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.
Alien #1: Wait please, we mean you no harm. We travel to your planet to find an evil little girl. We must destroy her before seven days.
George: You mean... You watched the video tape?
Alien #1: Our satellite caught up what we thought was Pootie Tang, that was a week ago. And now our entire race will die, unless the girl is destroyed.
Tom: Aw, you see, they are peaceful.
Mahalik: If they so peaceful, man, why were they choking us a few minutes ago?
Alien #1: Oh... that's how we say hello.
George: Well how do you guys say goodbye?
[an alien kicks George in the groin]
George: [in pain] I had to ask.
George: You guys ever wonder what it would be like to stop livin' up here
[puts hand up in the air]
George: and start livin' down here?
[puts hand down low]
Mahalik: Or what if we stop livin' over here
[puts his hand out to the side]
Mahalik: and start livin' over there?
[puts his hand to the other side]
CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.
Mahalik: For what?
Mahalik: I thought she had rats?
CJ: No, rats are outside, mice are inside.
Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?
CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.
Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!
CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there! A-Ha!
George: Guys, I really don't see what this has anything to do with anything...
[telling future to a pregnant woman]
Cody: It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
Becca: This is really weird...
[referring to ringing phone]
Kate: Yeah... Big house, only one phone...
[picks up phone]
[passes it to Becca]
Voice on Phone: I'm coming for you my precious...
Becca: [looks relieved] Hi Mom...
Trooper Champlin: It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.
Trooper Champlin: She was hit by a truck and she's pinned against a tree.
Tom: I don't understand.
Trooper Champlin: As long as the truck has her pinned, she'll stay alive.
Tom: I still don't get it.
Trooper Champlin: [shows Tom hot dog] This... is your wife.
[breaks hot dog in half]
Tom: She broke her wiener?
President Harris: Get me the President.
John Wilson: You are the President.
President Harris: Good. Then I already know about this. Let's order lunch.
Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.
Tom: I promise.
Annie: And no sex, either.
Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.
Annie: [shouts] No sex!
Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie: Oh, Jesus.
Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.
Tom: Right. Swing away.
Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand.
[Gasps and dies]
[Cindy comes home after leaving George to watch Cody and finds George sleeping on the table]
Cindy: Oh my God! What happened?
George: I don't know... we were play this great game, then I looked down and...
[He looks down at his dice]
[He stands up and bangs his head on the shelf, knocking himself out]
Cindy: Cody, did I ever tell you what your mom said about you the day you were born?
Cindy: I was in the delivery room with her. She was having a hard time. Then you began to come out of her. And your mom screamed and screamed in pain. She yelled, "Just kill me. Bludgeon me with a bedpan. Whatever you do, put me out of this pain." She was gushing torrents of blood. I have this all on tape if you want to see it someday. Well, finally you came out. Your mom cut your umbilical cord herself. Well, on the second try. The first time she snipped your penis in half. After all, she was drunk. Actually, drugged. We'd been out the night before celebrating St. Patrick's Day. And she thought, "Hey, I never tasted crystal meth." So she did just a little.
Cody: My penis?
Cindy: Yes. They sewed it on upside down.
Cody: So that's why I pee up?
Cindy: Yes. We'll get it fixed, honey. It's on my list of things. Right after we get TiVo. Anyway, there you were. Your mom turned to me and she said, "Hey, you want him? Take him." And then she died. And I took you. Do you know why? I'd just lost my cat in a fire, and I needed something to pet and feed. And I miss that cat, Cody. But I love you. And nothing's ever gonna change that, not even the very painful death we're about to experience.
[the phone rings after Cody watches the tape]
Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?
Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?
Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?
Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.
Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.
[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]
Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody.
Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!
Tabitha's Voice: [Laughs] Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?
[Writes the message down]
Cindy: Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye-bye.
[Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS]
[on the phone]
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: What? Willie Mays?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Kind of.
Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Yes. Perfect.
Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.
Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?
Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.
Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?
Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.
Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?
Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?
Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.
Tabitha's Voice: Then no.
Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.
Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom]
Cody: You're getting lucky tonight.
[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand]
Cody: He doesn't know you're a guy.
Becca: [she turns around Katie's chair, and her face is all messed up] Katie,are you okay?
[Katie's head falls off]
Becca: Are you okay?
Cindy: [hugging George]
Cindy: It's so hard.
George: Well, you're a beautiful woman, and you're pressing up against me.
Cindy: Something weird is going on at your farm. I know it.
George: I don't know what you're talking about. Sometimes a sheep just needs to be pushed through the fence.
Cindy: Call it women's intuition, or ESPN, or both, but I can tell when danger's near...
[hits her head on a microphone hanging from the ceiling]
President Harris: You're excited? You should feel my nipples.
John Wilson: Sir, I think you should go on the tv and tell everyone there is no such things as UFO's.
President Harris: Don't spell in front of me damn it.
Cody: [telling fortune to a smoker] Smoke all you want, you're gonna get hit by a bus.
Tom: [opening door] Sue?
Sue: I can't sleep.
Tom: Well, it's way past your bedtime.
Sue: Won't you rock me to sleep in your big, strong arms? There's plenty of room under the covers. It's a hot night. You don't need to wear pajamas.
Tom: Where is my daughter?
Sue: Are you mad? I am your daughter.
Tom: No you're not.
[removes dress from daughter revealing it is really Michael Jackson]
Tom: Come here! What did you do with Sue?
MJ: I didn't touch her, I swear!
Tom: I don't believe you!
MJ: Please, for God's sake! She's a girl!
President Harris: [Agent Thompson is listening to his earphone] What is it?
Agent Thompson: It's some old Tupac, sir.
President Harris: [Listening to the earphone] "All eyez on me." Hey, this shit is bangin'.
President Harris: I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you.
Brenda Meeks: [the TV is acting weird and turns on after Brenda turns it off. Finally she unplugs and when it turns on again, it shows a creepy black and white image of Tabitha getting out of a well] Oh, come on. Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
[the TV starts leaking]
Brenda Meeks: Cindy, the TV's leaking. Cindy... Cindy something's wrong here.
[Tabitha comes out slowly as Brenda backs away. Tabitha empties her ears with water]
Brenda Meeks: Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
[Tabitha creeps slowly for Brenda]
Brenda Meeks: Cindy, Help me!
Cindy: [Cindy is busy in the kitchen and is refusing to believe Brenda after she tricked her so many times] I'm not listening.
Brenda Meeks: [Tabitha gets closer to Brenda when Brenda punches her down] Get up you little ugly bitch. C'mon, let me see what you got. What you gonna do?
[Tabitha gets up and starts swinging at Brenda while Brenda holds her back by her hair]
Brenda Meeks: That's all?
[Grabs Tabitha and punches her down]
Brenda Meeks: Oooh, I'm whippin' her ass, Cindy! Yeah, wassup?
Kate: I hate television - gives me headaches.
Becca: You know, there's so many magnetic waves travelling in the airspace because of TV and television, we're losing like ten times as many brain cells as we're supposed to.
Kate: Oh, please!
Kate: The cow says blank? Three letters?
Kate: Dude! I dont know, magnetic waves, brain cells, I don?t understand the connection between all that stuff.
Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules.
[both look down at breasts]
Becca: Agghh! Oh, my God, turn it off!
Kate: It's not working!
Becca: It's backwards!
Kate: What do we do?
Becca: I dont know! Aghhhh!
Kate: That was kind of scary.
Becca: I know something even scarier.
Kate: Ooh, what?
Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?
Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you? and she's like "Where are we?" And did you see the size...?
Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like...
Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!
Becca: You were with Josh last weeknd? Oh, my God!
[throws pillow at Kate]
Kate: Oh, yes I was!
[hits Becca with laptop]
Becca: You ho!
[smashes glass vase on Kate's head]
Kate: You know it!
[pulls Becca's G-string up]
Kate: [phone rings]
Becca: [walking to the phone] This is really weird.
Kate: Yeah, big house, only one phone.
Brenda Meeks: [a box of pencils hits the door just after George and Sue exit the classroom] Now who the fuck did that!
Mahalik: I found their weakness. They're powerless without their heads!
The Architect: I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her... Linda.
Ross Giggins: [after talking about something else] ... and now the killer video that kills you seven days after you watched it, we're the only station that has it and we are showing it all night
[Killer video plays]
Brenda Meeks: I saw this tape, and I think you should know about it. It had these really shocking images on it.
Cindy: Brenda, it was Mardi Gras, I never drank Vodka before, and I was outta beads!
Brenda Meeks: No, not that tape Cindy. Anyway, you watch the tape, and when it's over, your phone rings. And this creepy voice says, "You're Gonna Die In Seven Days", and seven days later...
Cindy: When did you watch it?
Brenda Meeks: A week ago. A week ago, tonight.
Cindy: [Brenda's nose is bleeding] Brenda!
[Cindy hands her tampon,and Brenda starts choking, but then starts laughing]
Cindy: Oh my God, you bitch!
Brenda Meeks: [about the fake blood] Ketchup!
Cindy: Oh, you got me!
[Brenda laughs, but starts having a seizure, and falls over the couch. She stands up, still shaking and foaming at the mouth. She laughs]
Brenda Meeks: I can't believe you fell for that fake seizure!
Cindy: But it seemed so real!
Brenda Meeks: It did didn't it?
Cindy: And you peed!
[We see a puddle on the rug]
Brenda Meeks: Yeah! I really sold that shit, didn't I? I just love the look on your face when you are scared, girl! You are too easy!
[Her hand catches on fire, and she throws water on it. She removes a fake hand from her sleeve, laughing]
Brenda Meeks: . I got you with the old fake hand! I'm gonna get the rest of the popcorn...
Brenda Meeks: I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an Asian person behind the wheel of a car.
Mahalik: [to the Aliens] So, if they're friendly, then how come they choke us a few minutes ago?
Alien #1: Oh, that's how we say hello.
George: Then how do you say good-bye?
[the Alien kicks him in the crotch]
George: Oooh... I had to ask...
Alien #1: If you think that's unusual, then you should see how we pee.
[he starts peeing out of his finger]
President Harris: Oooooh, we are not so much different after all...
[the President starts peeing out of his finger also]
[re: the killer video]
Cindy: And it's been circulating and killing ever since.
The Architect: Just like Pootie Tang.
Carson Ward: It's sweeps month. Ratings mean everything. People want human interest stories, like the one you did yesterday.
Cindy: The report on breast augmentation? It was just ten minutes of topless women. People want hard hitting stories, and indepth coverage, and, and...
Carson Ward: And TWINS.
[news room suddenly converts into nightclub and the Coors Light twins appear]
Mr. Meeks: These just came today. Photos from a trip she took.
[passes them to Cindy]
Cindy: [Cindy flicks through photos] They're blank.
Mrs. Meeks: Turn them around, honey.
Cindy: I'm looking for something more than just good sex.
Brenda Meeks: I know. You want commitment.
Cindy: No, I want great sex.
George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?
Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.
Cindy: So can you tell me about...
Aunt Shaneequa: The tape?
Cindy: Yes. I watched it and...
Aunt Shaneequa: The phone rang.
Cindy: Right. Then this voice said...
Aunt Shaneequa: That you would die in seven days.
Cindy: Okay, that's getting...
Aunt Shaneequa: Extremely annoying.
Orpheus: Try being married to her. I catch shit about women I ain't slept with yet.
[flying saucers appear in the sky]
President Harris: Ah, good. The Air Force is here with those new round planes.
Secret Serviceman Jones: We don't have round planes, sir.
George: So, I'll be doing the rap battle at the 23 Club tomorrow night.
Brenda Meeks: Oh, I don't believe this shit.
George: Word! You two should come down! I'll be rappin', I'll be cappin', I'll be tappin', I'll be flappin', I'll be happen... ing. Ding, bing, wing. Yo!
Cindy: Sounds good!
George: Would, could, should, 'hood.
Brenda Meeks: Ugh!
George: Gug, mug, dug, bug.
Tom: I want to see Annie.
Trooper Champlin: She's split in half.
Tom: You mean like down-the-middle in half?
[Holds up a sandwich and separates its halves]
Trooper Champlin: At the waist.
Tom: You mean this is the last time I can talk to the top half?
Trooper Champlin: Yes. The truck is the only thing that is holding her together.
Tom: Let's say this is her bottom half.
[Holds up a doughnut]
Tom: Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?
Trooper Champlin: I'm not sure what you mean.
Tom: Let me explain.
[Holds up a sausage]
U-God: You stepped on my shoe, bitch!
Redman: Man, call me a bitch again and I'll park your truck - dead in yo ass.
Macy Gray: DAMN, HOMEY!
CJ: Hey yo, they comin! Over here!
RZA: If I was you, son, I'd bust this shit right now.
Method Man: Ya Momma!
U-God: I got your number, too, homey.
Master P: He ain't gonna bust nuthin. I got nuts bigger than him.
RZA: Oh, yeah, I'll roll up on you too - country ass maple syrup eatin' nigga.
Master P: Ya'll want some biscuits? You want some biscuits?
[Macy Gray kills everybody, including herself, with a bazooka]
President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.
Tabitha: [turns from a monster into a little girl] Thank you all. Your love has freed my soul. I won't have to kill again.
Tabitha: [turns back into a monster and pulls out a knife] I'm just screwin' with ya!
[President Harris grabs a kid with braces]
President Harris: Good God, the small ones have metal teeth! Jerry's Kids, my ass.
[headbutts the kid]
Mahalik: [George is wearing a white hoodie that makes him resemble a KKK member] George, the hood! Lose the hood!
George: I know, we're in the hood now!
Brenda Meeks: He's a dead man.
George: [as crowd boos] You guys feelin' me? In the hood?
[does what looks like a Heil Hitler salute]
Sayaman: [after mortally injuring Tom's wife in a car crash] Tom, I'll need a ride home.
[Holding Michael Jackson From Window]
Tom: How do you like it?
[Cindy calls to check on her son, whom Father Muldoon is baby-sitting]
Father Muldoon: We're getting along *famously*.
The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.
Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...
The Architect: [flipping through a thesaurus] Grotesquery?... No?... What about, contingent affirmation?... That's gotta mean somethin...
Tom: Don't call me "dude". I haven't been a stoner since...
[Mexican music plays]
[Simon Cowell is the judge at a rap freestyle battle]
Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic.
[Rappers pull out handguns and shoot him]
Aunt Shaneequa: [to Tabitha's mother on video tape] What you gonna brush now? What you gonna brush now huh.
Kate: [shouts to Becca] Ask your Mom which bathroom has the vibrating showerhead.
Architect: It's already begun. You're too late.
Cindy: Oh, my God.
Architect: But not too late to make an old man happy.
Cindy: I can't believe you let that happen.
George: I know, I'm sorry. I screwed up.
Cindy: Listen, we can still save him. The answer to the tape, to your crop circles, is at a lighthouse. Oh, you think I'm crazy, don't you?
George: Of course I do.
Trooper Champlin: Your faith will return. Just as sure as the sun will rise.
Tom: Sounds like a long shot.
Tom: George, all you've done is chase adolescent fantasies. "I want to be an astronaut. A cowboy. Gynecologist to the stars."
Sayaman: I'm sorry about that night. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact 20 minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jaegermeister. If only I hadn't killed that hooker.
Tom: Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.
Sayaman: I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her.
Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.
Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.
Carson Ward: And I told you, Campbell, no more paranoid on-air rants about the supernatural.
Cindy: I know. This station is about sex, violence, and the weather.
Carson Ward: Yes. That reminds me. We're gonna need that "Porn Star Shot Dead in a Hurricane" story.
[Anchor on the air]
Ross Giggins: Meanwhile, a tornado in Charleston threatens a clothing-optional beach where just yesterday a naked couple was brutally murdered. This just five miles from where the last naked couple was brutally murdered.
Architect: My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
Ross Giggins: Do they pose a threat? Only one thing's for certain. We are all going to be killed.
Tom: [wife has been severed by car] Hi, baby.
Annie: Honey, I'm dying.
Tom: No, don't talk like that, the truck barely hit you.
President Harris: [looks at portrait of Harrison Ford] I wonder what President Ford would have done.
Mrs. Meeks: My sweet, sweet Brenda. She looks so peaceful.
[Cindy looks down at Brenda's body]
Mrs. Meeks: [Brenda's face is messed up and her hand are up like claws]
Mahalik: Yo George, you need something? I'll do anything for you... ANYTHING...
Alien #1: [points finger] If you think that's strange, you should see how we pee.
George: Family, that's just what I've been running away from
President Harris: Well, that's because you're an idiot.
Tom: [while in front of the door] Quick, we can get that plank of wood to jam underneath the door.
[is hit in the balls by the plank of wood]
Tom: [in pain] Oh, my balls.
[George gives bowling balls to Tom and is hit in the balls again]
Tom: [in pain] Oh... Jesus.
[Jesus is being bought to him, but Tom pushes George away]
Agent Thompson: Sir! Step away from the window!
President Harris: [looks down] What? Did I forget to put my pants on again?
George: Why is there an open casket?
Cindy: George it's a wake.
George: She's alive, Sue your teacher is alive!
Cindy: No George she's dead!
George: No Brenda! Don't die on me!
[starts doing CPR and mouth to mouth ressatession]
George: [people starts attacking george]
Mahalik: Hey get away from him broad!
[starts punches while complete caous ensues]
George: [takes two wires] clear!