Margaret Cho: Notorious C.H.O. (2002 TV Special)
Margaret: It's time that African-Americans and Korean Americans put aside their difference and focus on what's really important: hating white people!
Margaret: I was hanging out in the one gay bar in all of Scotland. They have *one* gay bar. It was called C.C. Bloom's. C.C. Bloom's is the name of the character that Bette Midler played in Beaches. That is the gayest thing I have heard in my entire life. That place should just be called Fuck Me In The Ass... Bar and Grill.
Margaret: So, I said to him: you know, when you come over. You don't have to bring me flowers. Just bring me some Hershey's Chocolate Kisses so I can suck them off your dick. And he didn't bring them!
[impersonating her ex-boyfriend]
Margaret: Well, I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke!
Margaret: What kind of fucking joke is that? That is not a joke! Knock-knock, who's there? Chocolate. Chocolate who? I'm gonna suck Chocolate off your dick! Waaah!
Margaret: You feel left out? It's like a group outing! Nobody's invited. Everybody just knows to come!
Margaret: [about the G-spot] If there's a woman here who has one, please show me where it is. I will follow you in my car. Because I'm starting to think that it doesn't exist. I think the G stands for: Gotcha! Made you look!
Margaret: And if gay men had a period? What do you mean, if? There would be huge period circuit parties happening. Come on down to the Red Party at Club Mensies. Oooh-oooh!
Margaret: I didn't know if I was going to talk about menstruation. But, I thought... I bet if Richard Pryor had a period, he would talk about it. So I felt justified.
Margaret: [imitating herself as a kid] Maybe I could play a hooker in something! I'd be looking in the mirror: Sucky fucky two dollar. Me love you long time.
Margaret: You have to be tough to be a drag queen. Drag queens have to fight everything. They have to fight homophobia. They have to fight sexism. They have to fight pink eye.
Margaret: I just got back from Scotland. People fucking drink there! Oh my God! There's more vomit in the street than dog shit.
Margaret: There's been a lot of activity in and around my ass lately.
Margaret: I learned everything I know about being a woman from gay men. I learned all about sex from gay men. I kind of have sex like a gay man. I act like a gay man most of the time, actually.
Margaret: [doing an impression of her mother] I think everybody little bit gay. I tell you gay story about daddy. No, I no say daddy gay. You put the word in mommy's mouth... but don't tell him I tell you.
Margaret: She took the tube and she stuck it in my vagina.
Margaret: [doing an impression of her colon hydrotherapist] I'm sorry. I must be dyslexic. You know, everyone's anus is a little bit different.
Margaret: They're like snowflakes, apparently.
Margaret: But I guarantee you, if straight men had a period you would never hear the end of it.