- Shrek: Quick, tell a lie!
- Pinocchio: What should I say?
- Donkey: Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!"
- Pinocchio: I'm wearing ladies underwear.
- Pinocchio: [silence]
- Shrek: Are you?
- Pinocchio: I most certainly am not!
- Pinocchio: [nose extends]
- Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!
- Pinocchio: I am not!
- Pinocchio: [nose extends]
- Puss-in-Boots: What kind?
- Gingerbread Man: IT'S A THONG!
- [after drinking a beauty potion]
- Donkey: I don't *feel* any different. Do I look any different?
- Puss-in-Boots: You still look like an ass to me.
- Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
- Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
- Puss-in-Boots: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
- Gingerbread Man: Shrek? Donkey?
- Puss-in-Boots: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.
- Shrek: Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here!
- [Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mom and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table]
- Queen: Harold!
- Princess Fiona: Shrek!
- Shrek: Fiona...
- King: Fiona!
- Princess Fiona: Mom!
- Queen: Harold!
- Donkey: [happily] Donkey!
- Receptionist: Look, she's not seeing any clients today. Okay?
- Shrek: That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.
- Receptionist: The union?
- Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
- Receptionist: Oh, of course.
- Shrek: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
- Receptionist: A little. We don't even have dental.
- Shrek: They don't even have dental. Okay, we're gonna have a look around. And buddy, it would be better if the Fairy Godmother doesn't know about this. Know what I mean? Hmm?
- Donkey: Hmm?
- Shrek: Hmm?
- Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh?
- Shrek: Stop it.
- Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.
- Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?
- Shrek: No, Donkey! I need you to cry.
- King: Who on earth are they?
- Queen: I think that's our little girl!
- King: That's not little, that's a really big problem! Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?
- Queen: Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look...
- Shrek: Happy now? We came, we saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches!
- Princess Fiona: But they're my parents!
- Shrek: Hello, they locked you in a tower!
- Princess Fiona: Hey, that was for my own...
- King: Good! Now's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home.
- Queen: Harold! We have to be...
- Shrek: Quick, while they're not looking, we can make a run for it!
- Princess Fiona: Shrek! Stop it! Everything is going to be...
- King: A disaster! There's no way...
- Princess Fiona: You can do this.
- Shrek: But I really...
- King: Really...
- Queen: Really...
- Shrek: Don't...
- Princess Fiona: Want...
- Queen: To...
- Shrek: Be...
- King: He-ere.
- Puss-in-Boots: I hate Mondays.
- Donkey: [disgusted, to Shrek] I can't believe you're just gonna walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you.
- Donkey: [to Puss-in-Boots] I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken.
- Donkey: [singing] Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Rawhide! Line 'em up, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out, Pound dead, Make 'em tea, Buy 'em drinks, Meet their mommas, Milk 'em hard, RAWHIDE! YEE-HAW!
- [opening lines]
- Prince Charming: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her-
- [Charming gasps at the sight of the Big Bad Wolf]
- Wolf: What?
- Prince Charming: Princess... Fiona?
- Wolf: NO!
- Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens! Where is she?
- Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
- Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom?
- [Shrek steals two noblemen's clothes]
- Shrek: Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- Donkey: [carriage runs over Donkey] Oh, God! help me, please! My racing days are over! I'm blind! I'm blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever be able to play the violin again?
- Shrek: [about the trumpeters and messenger who gave Shrek and Fiona the invitation] How do you explain Sgt. Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
- Puss-in-Boots: [trying to convince Shrek not to neuter him] Please, no, por favor, por favor, please no, I implore you. I was doing it for my family! My mother she's sick and my father he lives off the garbage. The king offered me much money and I have a little brother...
- Queen: So, Fiona. Tell us about where you live.
- Princess Fiona: Well, Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey?
- Shrek: Yes. It's in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies...
- Donkey: What?
- [laughs]
- Donkey: I know you ain't talking about the swamp.
- Shrek: Donkey!
- King: An ogre from a swamp. How original.
- Queen: I guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.
- [both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon]
- Shrek: It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?
- King: Indeed! I just started eating.
- Queen: Harold!
- Shrek: What's that supposed to mean?
- [Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]
- Princess Fiona: Oh, Dad...
- Queen: Harold...
- Pinocchio: Is he... oh...
- [there's a "ribbit"]
- Gingerbread Man: He croaked...
- [Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]
- Queen: ...Harold?
- Princess Fiona: ...Dad?
- King: [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...
- Donkey: [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!
- Shrek: Donkey!
- King: No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing?
- [Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]
- Queen: Harold...
- King: I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...
- Queen: [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...
- Princess Fiona: I want what any princess wants - to live happily ever after... with the *ogre* I married.
- Puss-in-Boots: GO! GO! Your lady needs you. GO!
- [Shrek, Donkey and the gang head for the Royal Ball]
- Puss-in-Boots: Today, I repay my debt.
- [soldiers surround Puss as he slowly draws his weapon]
- Puss-in-Boots: EN GARDE!
- [the king enters Puss' room; it is dark, and only Puss' eyes and boots are visible]
- Puss-in-Boots: Who dares enter my room?
- King: Sorry - I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I was told that you are the one to handle an ogre problem.
- Puss-in-Boots: You are told correct, but for this I charge a great deal of money.
- King: Will this do?
- [the king throws a bag full of money on the table; Puss opens it with his sword]
- Puss-in-Boots: You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre.
- Fairy Godmother: Harold, you have forced me to do something I really don't want to do.
- King: What... Where are we?
- Fast Food Clerk: Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
- Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy.
- Fairy Godmother: He endured blistering winds and scorching deserts - he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower - and what does he find? Some gender-confused WOLF telling him that HIS princess is already married!
- King: Well, it wasn't my fault - he didn't get there in time!
- Donkey: I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway?
- The Ugly Stepsister: Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels.
- Puss-in-Boots: Hmmm... he sounds dreamy.
- [after Shrek, Donkey and Puss stumble upon a factory with multi-colored smokestacks]
- Donkey: Oh, no! That's the old Keebler's place! Let's just walk away slowly.
- Puss-in-Boots: That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She is the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom.
- Shrek: So why don't we drop in for a spell? Ha, ha! Spell!
- King: [Donkey sits at the table] No, no! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
- Princess Fiona: Dad, it's alright, it's alright. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.
- Donkey: Yup, that's me, the noble steed. Hey waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed?
- Princess Fiona: They just want to give us their blessing.
- Shrek: Oh, great! Now I need their blessing?
- Princess Fiona: Well, if you want to be part of this family, yes.
- Shrek: Who said I want to be part of this family?
- Princess Fiona: Uh... you did? When you married me?
- Shrek: Well, there's some fine print for ya.
- Blind Mouse: [muffled] Pardon me. Would you mind letting me go?
- Shrek: What? Puss!
- Puss-in-Boots: [spits Blind Mouse out] Sorry, boss.
- Shrek: Quit messing around! We've got to stop that kiss!