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The Baby Juice Express (2004)



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Credited cast:
Caroline Amborof Caroline Amborof ... Screaming woman
Nick Brimble ... Krakowski
Joe Bugner Jr. Joe Bugner Jr. ... Heavy 1
Joe Bugner Joe Bugner ... Palooka
Raife Burchill Raife Burchill ... Garage Attendant
David Cardy David Cardy ... Goldberg
Alan Cash Alan Cash ... Bus Driver
Julian Clary ... Jason
Dave Courtney Dave Courtney ... Baxter
Michael Cowan Michael Cowan ... Fitness Instructor
Phil Davis ... Frank O'Reilly (as Philip Davis)
Ed Deedigan Ed Deedigan ... Tele Sales Presenter
Callum Dixon ... Hare
Angela Douglas ... Celestia
Lisa Faulkner ... Lauren


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Comedy | Crime


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Release Date:

19 April 2004 (UK) See more »

Also Known As:

Pilna przesylka See more »

Filming Locations:

London, England, UK


Box Office


$2,000,000 (estimated)
See more on IMDbPro »

Company Credits

Show more on IMDbPro »

Technical Specs



Aspect Ratio:

1.85 : 1
See full technical specs »

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User Reviews

Hapless Pair Takes Desperate Measures To Ward Off A Colourful Group Of Dangerous Scoundrels.
25 April 2009 | by rsoonsaSee all my reviews

This somewhat botchy English comedy depicts the predicament facing a couple of would-be thugs, Desmond (Nick Moran), and Frank O'Reilly (Phil Davis), whose attempts to illegally acquire a good deal of money have been blocked by an array of genuine thugs who have become waspish due to the clumsy behaviour of these two amateur criminals. A stillborn boxing career of Des is marked by his complete lack of pugilistic skill, to the extent that Frank, as his manager, wagers their purse upon his opponents as a matter of course, so that when Des unexpectedly scores a knockout with a lucky punch, the accidental victory is sufficient to plunge them into debt, and in an effort to recoup their loss, the pair resolve to kidnap (for ransom) the "Baby Juice Express", a sperm sample furnished by a convict intended for the use of his girl friend in order to produce an heir. Being a graphic design graduate, any rationale of Des to be one of the bad guys becomes murky to his fiancée Lauren (Lisa Faulkner), as additionally the father of her beau is the Chief Constable of the film's setting, the seaside resort town of Bogner Regis (although the work is actually shot in nearby Southend). Nonetheless, she readily joins in with the men in hopes of finding some semblance of good fortune in what clearly is a chowder-headed scheme to abscond with pilfered mobster semen. The incarcerated felon, one Krawowski (Nick Brimble), is set upon begetting an heir to prevent the Crown from taking, upon his death, his entire asset valuation, and he has as a result appointed various underlings as couriers to smuggle the sordid seed to his turkey baster wielding sweetheart Trixie (Samantha Janus). As the entire population of underworld England is apparently aware of this quaint arrangement, a gullible Desmond learns of it from Frank, who apprises his younger would-be partner-in-crime of the value as ransom material of the potentially procreative substance, that is if they can manage to steal the latest vial. Numerous plotting complexities lead to slapdash adventures for Des and Frank, most of which pose some form of personal danger for them, particularly in the event that they are successful with the attempted theft. The film is produced as well as co-scripted by Moran, who also has the lead role, although having only indifferent success in each category, since there is little here to be found that will be amusing to many, while a great deal of the action is merely crude, and tasteless. Use of local colour is effective, but comedic interest is thin in spite of some well-crafted performances by cast members, notably from Faulkner who gains the acting laurels here with her perfect timing, and from Davis who contributes a fine turn as the senior member of the beleaguered twosome; Moran's to be expected Deer in Headlights acting style is roughly parallel to his playing in LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS (1998). This is a low budgeted affair that yet offers good visual characteristics due to an obviously professional crew, although some colour bleeding, from reds, can be seen. A score from Mark Hinton Stewart is appropriately unobtrusive and smoothly recorded on a Dolby Digital 2.0 track. Unfortunately, a puerile emphasis upon excesses of poor taste within the storyline becomes predominant. The film has been released upon a Win Media DVD that benefits from decent visual and audio quality. Among its"extras" is included a 19 minute "making of" documentary that, while not completely devoid of interest, will be only moderately appealing to viewers other than those who are prepared to give unalloyed approval to the feature film.

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