George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances (2001 TV Special)
George Carlin: Folks, on these answering machines, do me a favor, would you, please? When you record your outgoing message, don't bother telling me you can't come to the phone. I understand that. Apparently, that's why we have these machines. And don't tell me to leave my name and number. Somehow, I figured that out. And if you work in an office, never mind that stuff, "I'm away from my desk." If you had to take a shit, say so. You say, "Hi, this is Mary Louise. I had the Mexican jalapeño bean chili dip, and I washed it down with a gallon of gin. I'll be in and out all day."
George Carlin: And I'm getting really sick of guys named Todd. You know? Yeah, it's just a goofy... it's a goofy fucking name, okay? Hi, what's your name? "Todd! I'm Todd. And this is Blake and Blair and Blaine and Brent." Where are all these goofy fucking boys' names coming from? Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are NOT real names!
George Carlin: You want to hear a real name? Eddie. Eddie is a real name. Whatever happened to Eddie? He was here a minute ago. Joey and Jackie and Johnny and Phil. Bobby and Tommy and Danny and Bill. What happened, *Todd*? And Cody, and Dylan, and Cameron, and Tucker. Hi, Tucker, I'm Todd. "Hi, Todd, I'm Tucker." Fuck Tucker; Tucker sucks.
George Carlin: And fuck Tucker's friend, Kyle.
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin: You know? Yeah. There's another soft name for a boy, Kyle. Soft names make soft people. I'll bet you anything that ten times out of ten, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
George Carlin: Here's a group of musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had a medical plan that included abortion: These singers who think they're so special they only need one name. Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince. What a crock of shit! Get a fucking last name, would you please? Here's a nice two word name for you; Pretentious Cocksucker! Huh, how do you like that, Bono? It's not bad enough the music sucks, but with no last name, you can't find out where these people live so you can throw a fuckin' bomb through their window! It's frustrating.
George Carlin: Folks, here's something else I got a problem with: the Ten Commandments. Here's my problem. Why are there ten? You don't need ten. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's a padded list. Here's what they did. About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people. How to keep 'em in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments. Up on a mountain, when NO ONE was around...
George Carlin: ...God had given them the Ten Commandments. But let me ask you this: When they were sitting around making this shit up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why: 'cause ten sounds official.
George Carlin: Ten sounds important. They knew if it was eleven, people wouldn't take it seriously. Say "What, are you kidding me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the fuck out of here." But ten... ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system. It's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number. The top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed. So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision. And, to me, it's clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I'm gonna show you how you could reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. We're going to start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version 'cause those are the ones I was taught as a little boy. "I am the Lord, thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me, thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God, in vain, thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath." Right off the bat, the first three - pure bullshit.
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin: Sabbath... Sabbath day, Lord's name, strange gods. Spooky language. SPOOKY LANGUAGE!
George Carlin: Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human beings in the 21st Century. You throw out the first three commandments, wssst! You're down to seven. Next, honor thy father and mother. Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is obedience and respect should not be automatic, they should be earned. They should be based on the parents' performance.
George Carlin: Parents' performance. All right? Some parents deserve respect, most of them don't. Period. You're down to six. Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're gonna jump around the list a little bit. Thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not bear false witness. Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior. Dishonesty, stealing and lying. So you don't need two of them. Instead, you combine them and you call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." And suddenly, you're down to five. And as long as we're combining, I have two others that belong together. Thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Once again, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior. In this case, marital infidelity. The difference is coveting takes place in the mind, and I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife. Otherwise, what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot?
George Carlin: But... but marital fidelity is a good idea, so we're gonna keep the idea and call this one "Thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly, we're down to four. But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value. So, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative, and call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful", and we're down to three.
George Carlin: Thou shalt... thou shalt... they're going away. They're going away fast. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods. This one is just plain fucking stupid.
George Carlin: Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going. Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful", you wanna get one, too! Coveting creates jobs, leave it alone. You throw out coveting, you're down to two now. The big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet, "Thou shalt not kill". Murder. The fifth commandment. But when you think about it...
George Carlin: When you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
George Carlin: All you have to do... sure. Uh huh. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, the Middle East, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folk take "Thou shalt not kill". The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable.
George Carlin: It's negotiable. You know? It depends. It depends. It depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed. So with all of this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the Two Commandments. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie...
George Carlin: ...and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone. Unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to.
George Carlin: Two is all you need, Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fucking pocket. And if they had a list like that, I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall, as long as they included one additional commandment, "Thou shalt keep they religion to thyself".
George Carlin: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, everybody! Thanks for coming out! I appreciate it! Thank you! Thank you!
George Carlin: I think motivation is overrated. You show me some lazy prick who's lying around all day watching game shows and stroking his penis, and I'll show you someone who's not causing any fucking trouble, okay?
George Carlin: Here's something you never hear a guy say: "Stop sucking my dick, or I'll call the police!"
George Carlin: Here are some more people who deserve an inoperable tumor at the base of their spines: these guys who fly around the world in a fuckin' balloon. You know? What is this, 1850? Get a fuckin' airline ticket, will you, please? When are the media going to realize that people are not interested in some rich trouser stain who's so bored he's got to fly around in a balloon all day? I hope the next guy gets hit by lightning! And flies around in little fart circles: Fffffffffffffffbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb! And lands in a sewage treatment pond. And sinks with the rest of the turds! Mr. Lighter-Than-Air!
George Carlin: Here's another pack of jackoffs who ought to be strangled in front of their children: people who pay for inexpensive items with a credit card. You know? Folks, take my word for this, Raisinetts is NOT a major purchase. Get some fucking cash together. No one should be paying the bank eighteen percent interest on Tic-Tacs. And you're holding up the fucking line, too. Some dorky looking prick with a fanny pack waiting to be approved for a bag of Cheese Doodles. I need this like I need an infected scrotum. Get some fucking money. Next guy in front of me that pays for Newsweek with a credit card is getting stabbed in the eyes!
George Carlin: Here's another group of mutants with missing chromosomes who ought to be thrown screaming from a helicopter. Gun enthusiasts. "Yeah, I'm a gun enthusiast." Oh yeah? Well I'm a blowjob enthusiast. Wanna see me shoot? Cock this and I'll discharge a load for you.
[about traffic accidents]
George Carlin: The last thing they need, the *last* thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire, because by now, it *is* a fire, and start bothering them with a lot of *stupid* questions. "Are you hurt?" Of course they're hurt! Look at all the blood! You just *ran over* them with a ton and a half of steel!
George Carlin: Didn't anyone else see this accident? Are you the only one who can provide information? Surely the people you ran over caught a glimpse of it at the last moment. So let them tell the police what happened. They were a lot closer to it then you were. There is no sense having two conflicting stories floating around about the same dumbass traffic accident
George Carlin: If someone else is injured, I wanna take a look. I am Curious George.
George Carlin: Here are some more parents who ought to be beaten with heavy clubs and left bleeding in the moonlight: these are the ones who carry their babies around in their backpacks or frontpacks or slings or whatever these devices are called that are apparently designed to leave the parents hands free to sort through high-end merchandise and reach for their platinum credit cards. 'Cause it's always these upscale, yuppie-looking, Greenpeace, environmentally-conscious assholes who have them on, you know? I say, "Hey Mr. and Mrs. Natural Fibers..."
George Carlin: I say, "Hey Mr. and Mrs. Natural Fibers, it's not camping equipment, it's a baby. Touch the little prick now and then; he'll thank you for it someday."
George Carlin: By now, everybody's supposed to know that when it comes to survival - staying alive - you know, you have to be... you can't be too picky and choosy about the company you're going to keep. You know? Sometimes you have to cooperate with some kind of unsavory people: people you don't like, people you don't trust, people you don't respect. The kind of people you might not even invite into your own home. So, for that reason, tonight I'm announcing my intention to cooperate with the United States government.
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin: Okay? That's right. Now listen. Yeah, I'm even thinking of lending my support to Governor Bush. Good old Governor Bush. I'm hoping he does a good job. If he does, maybe we might think of electing him president in 2004, okay?
George Carlin: Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car." Or... Or "We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters." Just be a nice little one for a change. Here's something realistic: "We have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet." You know? "We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus, he knocked up your daughter." Then there are the people who aren't too proud of their children: "We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nitwit who, at the age of ten, not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus." Something like that on the back of the car might give the child a little more incentive, you know? Get him to try a little harder next semester.
George Carlin: Motivation books, motivation seminars: why would anyone need to be motivated by someone else? I say, if you lack motivation, a seminar isn't gonna motivate you. What you really need is to be smashed in the head thirty or forty times with a golf club! That'll fucking motivate ya! Or else it'll at least get you up and moving around the room. You know, locate your socks, shit like that, get the day rolling.
George Carlin: What are we going to tell the Intergalactic Council of Ministers the first time one of our teenage mothers threw her newborn baby into a dumpster, huh? How're we gonna explain that to the space people? How are we gonna let them know that our ambassador was only late for the meeting because his breakfast was cold and he had to spend half an hour punching his wife around the kitchen? What are they gonna think when they find out that it's just a local custom that over 80 million women in the Third World have had their clitorises forcibly removed in order to reduce their sexual pleasures so they won't cheat on their husbands? Can't you just sense how eager the rest of the universe is for us to show up? Can't you see them out there?
George Carlin: Motivation is bullshit. If you ask me, this country could use a little less motivation. The people who are motivated are the ones who are causing all the trouble: stock swindlers, serial killers, child molesters, Christian conservatives. These people are highly motivated!
George Carlin: [about his grandfather] He'd look at me and he'd say, "I'm going upstairs and fuck your grandma." He's just a really honest man, you know? He wasn't gonna bullshit a four-year-old.
George Carlin: [about his need to discuss the events of September 11] The reason we have to talk about it is, uh, otherwise, it's like the elephant in the living room that nobody mentions, you know? I mean, yeah, there it is, sitting on the fucking couch, and nobody says a word. It's like if you're at a formal garden party and you go over to the punch bowl and you notice that floating around is a big turd. And nobody says a word about it, you know? Nobody says, "Lovely party, Jeffrey, but there's a turd in the punch bowl."
George Carlin: I drive kinda recklessly, I take a lot of chances, I never repair my vehicles, and I don't believe in traffic laws.
George Carlin: And speaking of mindless Hollywood cocksuckers, before Charlton Heston became President of these dickless lunatics in the NRA, they had a different guy. He's still one of their major spokesman, and his name is Wayne LaPierre. Doesn't that sound a bit fruity to you? "Hi, I'm Wayne, I'm a gun person. Bang bang!" You know what this guy's name ought to be? Biff Webster. Spud Crowley, a man's name! Chuck Steak!
George Carlin: Now, the government has asked us all to come up with suggestions and ideas that we might have to help them to fight terrorism. That'll give you an idea of how much shit THEY have on the shelf. Okay?
George Carlin: Yeah. And like any good citizen, I'm ready with my suggestions. Now, first of all, overseas, in Afghanistan, I think you have to use the most powerful weapon you have. In this case, chemical warfare of a type never used before. And I'm talking about the Flatulent Airborne Reaction Team.
George Carlin: F-A-R-T, FART. Here's what you do. You take thousands of overweight, male NFL football fans, okay? Thousands of them. We're gonna start with a nucleus of Giants fans and Jets fans. Gotta start with that nucleus.
George Carlin: Now, it might be necessary, it might be necessary, to include some Bills fans and Eagles fans, too, okay? This is war; you can't be choosy. And I'm also thinking about getting some of those big, fat cocksuckers who root for the teams in the NFC Central, you know? Chicago Bears fans, Green Bay Packers fans, guys who eat a lot of bratwurst. Okay?
George Carlin: And all of these guys have to be over 200 pounds. What you do is for thirty days, you put them on a diet of nothing but cheese, cabbage, and beer.
George Carlin: Okay? That's all they get for thirty days. For many of these men, this will not be a new diet.
George Carlin: You fill them up with cheese, cabbage, and beer, and you drop them into Afghanistan, where they commence chemical warfare of the highest order. You send three-man FART squads into every cave and tunnel in Afghanistan.
George Carlin: Just send them in there. All right? And then ya smoke them out. That's right. These good citizens will release horrendous, deadly farts. The kind of fart that could kill cancer.
George Carlin: The kind of fart that comes in handy if you have something that needs welding.
George Carlin: The kind of fart that if you let one go at home, thirty minutes later, your plants are all yellow.
George Carlin: The kind of fart that after two or three days, you begin to realize there are no more birds in your neighborhood.
George Carlin: A fart that would eat the stitching out of Levis.
George Carlin: Can I get away with one more fart joke here?
George Carlin: The kind of fart whereby the Centers for Disease Control declares your pants a level five biohazard.
George Carlin: Now, that takes care of overseas. All right. Now, that's overseas. On the domestic side, in this country, and before I tell you my plan for the domestic side, I want to, uh, because it does come from a kind of New York frame of mind, I want to mention my New York credentials, and they are as follows: I was born on this island, Manhattan island, therefore I was born in New York City, New York County, and New York State.
George Carlin: City, county, and state. And besides that, and on top of that, I was born at New York Hospital on East 63rd Street. But here's the capper, something you don't know. You know where I was conceived? Rockaway Beach.
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin: Rockaway. That's right. In a hotel on Beach 116th Street called Curley's Hotel. 1936, so if you hear or see anything later on about New York, you'll know my credentials are in good order. Here's what you do domestically. You take Don Imus' advice, and you tell this Tommy Thompson and Tom Ridge "good try, nice going, we'll see you later." And in charge of the whole domestic thing, you put Rudolph Giuliani, an Italian from Brooklyn.
[cheers and applause]
George Carlin: Okay?
George Carlin: Here's some more people who ought to be strapped into chairs and beaten with hammers: people who wear visors. You know? Let me ask you something: what the fuck is the point in wearing half a hat? Either get a hat or don't; no one's interested in the top of your head. Go back to the store, tell them to give you the rest of the hat. They cheated you. Or better yet, get yourself one of them little Jewish hats and sew it to your visor. Then you've got yourself a full-fledged fucking hat, my friend.
George Carlin: Bullshit, fuck you, up yours, get laid, eat shit, drop dead, jack me off, suck this. I don't need parts that badly, I'm not that sick.
George Carlin: [talking about scabs] I'll save this for Thursday. Thursday will be a good day. I only have a half-day of work on Thursday. I'll come home early. I'll masturbate in the kitchen. And then I'll watch the Montel Williams show.
George Carlin: You come home early, you masturbate, but you do it in your sister's bedroom, just to give it a little extra thrill. You know what I mean? And then you watch the Montel Williams show. Pretty good topic: women who take it up the ass for 50 cents. Well, not the best show he's ever done. But you know something? Not bad, either.
George Carlin: This is something I've probably told you before, I never fucked a ten. I *never* fucked a ten. But one night, I fucked five twos! And I think that ought to count.
[Carlin thinks that people who read self-help books are one of the kinds of people who need to be killed]
George Carlin: Why do so many people need help? Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, you eat three meals, you take one good shit, and you go back to bed. What's the fucking mystery? The part I really don't understand, if you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That's not self-help, that's help! There's no such thing as self-help. If you did it yourself, you didn't need help. You did it yourself. Try to pay attention to the language we all agreed on.
George Carlin: You know something people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts!
George Carlin: [about barns] You never notice up there they got that weather vane, and usually it's a rooster. Or a cock; it's the same animal, really. You know, it's just a different name. You know why they got a cock on the weather vane? 'Cause if they had a cunt, the wind would blow right through it!
George Carlin: Something else that a lot of you are aware of, those of you with illegal cable hookups will be aware of the fact that one of the things I like to do on my shows is complain, you know? It's kind of a motif for me, complaining, and of course, this weird culture we live in leaves you no shortage of things to complain about.
George Carlin: Here are some more people who ought to be smashed across the face repeatedly with a piece of heavy mining equipment: these grown men, *grown men* who refer to their fathers as "mah daddy". You hear a lot of this stupid shit in the South. These rebel assholes, you know? "Mah daddy", "mah daddy", "mah daddy". "Well, you know what mah daddy used to say? Mah daddy used to say, 'Blah-blebbeh-dah-blebbeh-dah-blah-blebbah-blah-dah-dah.'" "Oh, he did, did he? Well, wasn't that fucking enlightening!" My daddy used to say, "Fuck your daddy! Fuck your daddy in his wrinkled, rusted, rural country asshole!" Grow up, Billy Joe Carl Bob Danny Frank! You're not six anymore. More like nine.
George Carlin: I tend to have quite a high number of traffic accidents, and last week, I either ran over a sheep or I ran over a small man wearing a sheepskin coat. And I don't know because I didn't stop!
George Carlin: What kind of empty people need to validate themselves through the achievements of their children? How would you like to have to live with a couple of these misfits? "How's that science project coming along, Justin?" "Fuck you, Dad, you simple-minded prick! Mind your own business and pass the Cheerios."
George Carlin: Here's another unfortunate pack of mutants who ought to be penciled in for a sudden visit from the Angel of Death: these guys, these *guys* who can't tell you about a phone call they had without giving you this shit...
[uses his thumb and pinkie to pretend he is making a phone call]
George Carlin: The fucking pinkie and the thumb. Like they attended mime college, studied under Marcel Marceau. "So I call her up, you know, and I'm talking to her, and she fucking hangs up on me. So I hang up on her, and she calls me back. I fucking hang up again!" I say, "Hey, Bruno, thanks for the visual aid, but we all understand the concept of the telephone: you hold it in your hand, you talk into it. 'Scuse me, Bruno, incoming call."
[makes a phone shape with his pinkie and thumb and holds it up like a phone]
George Carlin: "Oh, hey, it's for you!"
[holds up his middle finger]
George Carlin: [about people who hold their babies in slings] These are the same people who sort their garbage, jog with their dogs, and listen to Steely Dan, you know? I'd just like to take them out to the deep end of the forest and disembowel them with a wooden cooking spoon.
George Carlin: I do not stop when I have a traffic accident, do you? Do you? No, you can't! Hey, who has time? Not me! I hit somebody, I run somebody over, tsssew! I keep moving! Especially if I've injured someone. I do NOT get involved in THAT. I'm not a doctor, I've had no medical training. I'm just another guy out driving around, looking for a little fun, and I can't be stopping for everything.
George Carlin: Here's another bunch of pus-headed telephone cretins: these self-important techno-dicks, who walk around with these hands-free telephone headsets and earpieces. Mr. Self-Important-Doesn't-Want-To-Be-Too-Far-From-The-Phone-In-Case-Henry-Kissinger-Calls. He's got the Dalai Lama on line two. I say, "Hey, Spaceman, as long as your hands are free, reach over here and fondle my balls, would you, please?"
George Carlin: Here are some more men who ought to be strapped to a gurney and castrated with fishing knives: white guys who shave their heads completely bald. You know? They're so ashamed they lost eleven hairs, they're gonna try to turn into some kind of a masculine statement. I say, "Hey, you goofy-looking, baldy-headed fuck... it looks good on black guys; on you, it's ugly, repulsive and disgusting. If you want to be bald, do what I did: wait a while." Meantime, there's no excuse for running around, looking like a freshly-circumcised dick.
George Carlin: [complaining about parents who let their children record outgoing phone messages] These are the same parents who at Christmastime send you pictures of their children. Pictures you didn't ask for and you don't want. But it is fun throwing the pictures away, isn't it? I don't even look at the fucking Christmas card.
[pretends to look at a card]
George Carlin: "Who's this?" "Luan, is twelve this year." "Fuck Luan! I don't give a shit how old she is. Does she have any tits yet? Send me a picture of Luan's tits! Then I know I'll have a happy new year, too!"
George Carlin: If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. "Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile."
George Carlin: [about parents who send Christmas cards with pictures of their children] Just to compound your holiday pleasure, they enclose a family newsletter. Just what you were hoping for: news about people you can barely fucking remember. "We're so proud of Brad. He's been accepted into dental school." Yeah, in the Philippines! After four tries. Fuck Brad and everybody who looks like Brad. Judging from his picture, I think he's jerking off too much. Keep him away from Luan.