Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)
Agent Sands: Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN'T?
Cucuy: I'm a Mexi-CAN
Agent Sands: Good. Then do as I say.
Agent Sands: El, you really must try this because it's puerco pibil. It's a slow-roasted pork, nothing fancy. It just happens to be my favorite, and I order it with a tequila and lime in every dive I go to in this country. And honestly, that is the best it's ever been anywhere. In fact, it's too good. It's so good that when I'm finished, I'll pay my check, walk straight into the kitchen and shoot the cook. Because that's what I do. I restore the balance to this country. And that is what I would like from you right now. Help keep the balance by pulling the trigger.
[after giving Belini $10,000 in cash in exchange for information]
Sands: Just for my own edification, I offered you fifty. Why'd you say no?
Belini: I'm not a greedy man. Not looking to get rich quick. Besides, fifty thousand is a lot for what you wanted me to find out. Could just as well put a bullet in my head as cough it up, see? But ten? Ten thousand is civilized. Ten is something we both can live with.
Sands: Ten might still be too much.
Belini: You'd kill me over ten thousand dollars? You wouldn't dare. You wouldn't dare.
Sands: [whispers] Yes, I would.
[trapped on the upper floor of a hotel by Marquez's men]
El Mariachi: Any suggestions, Ms. "Why don't we get a room on the 5th floor so we can see the beautiful sunset"?
Left Nut: I was tortured once... I didn't like it. You know what the really fucked up part was? They tore out my left nut. That really turned me off to the whole thing.
Carolina: [in Spanish]
Carolina: What do you want in life?
El Mariachi: To be free...
El Mariachi: No.
Fideo: The man who wants nothing is invincible, cabron.
El Mariachi: Go practice.
Fideo: Practice playing or shooting?
El Mariachi: What do you think?
Fideo: I don't think, I drink.
Agent Sands: [Hands Belini a lunch box] I couldn't find a briefcase small enough for 10,000 dollars in cash.
Sands: My name is Sheldon Jeffery Sands. I work for the Central Intelligence Agency. I throw shapes. I throw shapes, I set them up, I watch them fall. I'm living la vida loca.
El Mariachi: You want me to shoot the cook?
Agent Sands: No. I'll shoot the cook. My car's parked out back, anyway.
[standing in front of Sands with no eyes]
Ajedrez: See anything you like?
[shoots her in the stomach]
Agent Sands: No.
Marquez: [in Spanish, sub-titled] Carolina?
El Mariachi: She died.
Marquez: Your daughter?
El Mariachi: She died.
El Mariachi: Dead.
Marquez: And me?
El Mariachi: Alive and well.
[Marquez draws a gun, El Mariachi draws and fires, and Marquez falls wounded. El Mariachi walks up and places his gun to Marquez's head]
El Mariachi: In hell.
Sands: FBI agents never retire, they just take it a little easier.
Jorge FBI: Hey!
[waves cell phone at Sands and tosses it to him. Sands catches]
Agent Sands: You get your man?
Jorge FBI: One of them.
Agent Sands: Well, if that isn't inter-agency cooperation, I don't know what is.
Jorge FBI: See you around.
Agent Sands: Fuck you.
El Mariachi: Why me?
Sands: Frankly, because you've got nothing to live for... and in a way you're already dead and Marquez is the one that killed you so why not return the favor?
Agent Sands: Bullfights. Bull hockey. Do you like this? The bull is stabbed, prodded, beaten. The bull is wounded. The bull is tired before the matador ever steps into the ring. Now, is that victory? Of course it is. Want to know the secret to winning? Creative sportsmanship. In other words...
[He leans forward and taps Cucuy, who triggers a remote control. In the ring, a taser hidden in the matador's clothes goes off, freezing him in place, and the bull tramples him]
Agent Sands: One has to rig the game.
Agent Sands: [In Marlon Brando Voice] Failure to appear at meetings at designated times will result in forfeiture of protection... protection you will definitely need.
Cab Driver: Look out there, its a fucking coup d'Ètat.
Agent Sands: I can't see, fuck-mook. I have no eyes.
Belini: This story is well-traveled. It might have picked up some embellishments along the way. Just read between the lines.
[El meets Cucuy in the middle of town]
Cucuy: There's cartel on every corner.
El Mariachi: Sands told me you handle protection.
Cucuy: I don't work for Sands anymore. And since I'm a Mexi-can, I can do whatever I want.
El Mariachi: Then I guess I don't work for Sands neither. Goodbye.
[Cucuy grabs his arm]
Cucuy: There's a price on your head. I'm going to collect. Why don't you just tell Barillo everything you know and then maybe he'll just cut off your hands.
El Mariachi: And if I don't?
Cucuy: Remember that old man I killed in your village? What if your whole village was next?
El Mariachi: Would you kill them?
[Points to his men]
Cucuy: They certainly would.
El Mariachi: Then I guess I have no choice... but to kill you all.
Ajedrez: [Sands burst through the door after picking the lock] You're gonna pay for that cop.
Sands: Why doesn't my key work any more?
Ajedrez: It's too small.
Billy: You want me to break his fingers?
Barillo: No. I want you to chop them off.
Billy: I was making a joke.
Barillo: I wasn't.
Advisor: I am not the prince, I am the man behind the prince.
Belini: They used to say he was the biggest Mexican they'd ever seen.
Belini: That was total bullshit. He was five-nine, five-ten tops, which is no record, but bigger than most of us.
[the Barillo Cartel has captured Sands]
Agent Sands: I feel its only fair to warn you, that killing me is crossing the line and you will have every single Marine from here to Guantanamo Bay up your keester mister, so just know that.
Barillo: Fortunately for you, nothing you did is worth dying for. You have only seen too much. We are going to make sure this does not happen again.
[the Doctor picks up a drill and moves it toward Sand's eyes]
Agent Sands: [pulls out a gun] Have you ever seen one of these? Have you ever used one? Don't ever because, they're very very bad. But right now I need you to aim it at the bad guy who's following us, and shoot him in the head.
Chicle Boy: Matalo?
Agent Sands: Oh yeah. Very matalo.
[El Mariachi takes a piece of pork from Sands' plate and chews it]
Sands: Was I right?
[El Mariachi spits out the piece of pork in disgust]
Sands: Hmmm. Guess not.
Sands: Hey, you get your man?
Jorge FBI: One of them.
Sands: If that isn't inter-agency cooperation, I just don't know what is.
Sands: Belini... How long have you and I done business together? A long time. And in a way, I almost, could have the tiniest smidgen of respect for you. Almost. But you need to stop farting around. Now, do you have the information on Barillo or do you not?
Belini: I have what you need. I'm just enjoying this temporary position of power. That make you nervous?
Sands: You know that withholding vital information from a federal officer is a serious offence. Especially when that officer has paid handsomely for it and wouldn't think twice about ripping that patch off your eye hole and skull-fucking you to death.
Chicle Boy: Are you going to be OK?
Agent Sands: I don't know kid, I don't know.
Chicle Boy: You will be.
Cucuy: The man I work for, Mr. Sands, is hiring El Mariachi to kill General Marquez.
Barillo: So you want to join us. First you must understand. There is the bait and there is the trade.
Cucuy: So El Mariachi is the trade?
Barillo: You are.
[Billy Chambers strangles and kills Cucuy]
Advisor: [throws up after accepting a bribe] Every goddamn time.
[the boy in Spanish]
Chicle Boy: Is someone following you?
[Sands just got his eyes removed]
Agent Sands: Well, it's a little difficult for me to tell right now, because I'm kinda having a bad day.
[Slams his head against the wall]
Agent Sands: Ouch.
Agent Sands: [referring to the man that the Boy spots following Sands] Is he close?
Chicle Boy: Si.
Agent Sands: [gives him a gun] Ok. Smoke him... Smoke the fucker! Send him straight to fucking Broadway.
Chicle Boy: [hesitates] No Puedo.
Agent Sands: [On The Phone] Listen, I cannot do everything by myself. I need someone to go in there with me. No! I lost my inside man, probably dead. And Cucuy, greedy turd that he is, has ratted me out and has dissapeared. Plus, I'm pretty sure the Cartel's shadowing me. Now, listen. I have got a swell bunch of guys going to intercept Marquez's army, but they've got no guns! Now listen. I want you to understand me. This is no time to screw the pooch because this is supposed to be the big dance number. Hello? Hello, are you there? Ok, ok I'm going to freak right out!
[Enters the Restaurant and Sits Down]
Agent Sands: I will have the puerco pibil and a tequila with lime.
[Now on the phone]
Agent Sands: Yeah, I need a new line. This one's been compromised. Okay? Thank you. I'll be waiting here at La Vaca Volanda...
[Ajedrez, accompanied by Dr. Guevara and a few Cartel lackeys enter behind Sands. Ajedrez sits across from Sands]
Agent Sands: ...that's right, the flying... cow.
[He hangs up]
Ajedrez: You really didn't see it coming, did you?
[Dr. Guevara stabs Sands in the neck with a needle]
Billy: [Billy is meeting Blascoe at the Barillo Estate] You know, if I was you, son, I'd turn around and go back right now. Go back to where I came from. Instead of selling my mind and soul to these cocksuckers. You speak English?
Blascoe: [Shakes his head no]
Billy: [sighs] I didn't think so. Come on, let's go.
[Sands has been captured by the Barillo cartel]
Ajedrez: Sorry, baby. I told you I wasn't interested in your little scheme. Too small.
Agent Sands: [Noticing the bandaged Barillo] Oh my Christ. Is that Barillo?
Ajedrez: That's the new Barillo. The old Barillo died in surgery a few hours ago.
Agent Sands: What kind of cartel would have you running its operations?
Ajedrez: I'm his daughter.
Jorge FBI: [Talking into his tape recorder] Barillo and Dr. Guevara should be inside of the building, having entered from the back or basement. They should be
[looks at his watch]
Jorge FBI: mid-procedure by now.
[Screeching tires, a black sedan and a black suv stop in front of the hospital, suited men armed with rifles run into the hospital, followed by more officers clad in 'AFN' vests]
Jorge FBI: Federale agents... this is going down now
[Billy confronts Barillo in the President's Building]
Jorge FBI: Do you remember a man named Archuleta?
Billy: [Pulling his dog out from behind his back and stepping aside to reveal Jorge] I present to you Special Agent Jorge Ramirez.
Jorge FBI: [drawing a gun] You tortured and murdered Agent Archuleta. He was my partner. He was also my friend.
Barillo: Agent Ramirez. You have to follow certain rules...
Jorge FBI: Oh, I'm retired. Rules don't apply to me any more than they do to you.
Barillo: Mr. Chambers?
Billy: [nonchalantly] Yes, sir?
Barillo: You just going to stand there?
Billy: I'm afraid anything but standing's going to cost you extra.
Barillo: [Nods to Dr. Guevara, the reaches for his gun] You leave me no choice!
Sands: Sometimes a revolution is exactly what is needed for cleaning out the system. One giant enema, which just so happens to be my area of expertise.
[a cartel soldier sees El Mariachi coming and goes for his gun, but El Mariachi gets there first and aims his shotgun]
El Mariachi: [in Spanish] What do you want in life?
[the soldier throws his gun away]
El Mariachi: [in English] Good choice.
[knocks him unconscious]
Agent Sands: [after Belini finishes his story about El Mariachi] Well... that is truly unbelievable.
Agent Sands: Why? Why would I want that? Why would I want bubblegum?
Agent Sands: [searching Belini's dead body] Where is it? I know it's on you somewhere... all right, time to get messy.
[he pulls on a rubber glove and reaches for Belini's trousers, then pauses and lifts Belini's eye-patch, finding a piece of paper wrapped in plastic]
Agent Sands: Well, I guess I should thank you for not sticking it up your ass. However...
[reaches into Belini's pants anyway]
Agent Sands: You're about a quart low.
Agent Sands: I never heard of him.
Agent Sands: The man you recommended.
Belini: The guitar fighter?
Agent Sands: [talking about El Mariachi] Does it have a name?
Cucuy: We call him "El". As in "the".
Agent Sands: I know what it means, thank you.
Soldier: The Mariachi has escaped.
Marquez: You too will escape.
Agent Sands: I want you to put the hurtin', so to speak, on Marques after he's killed the president. Savvy?
Sands: Oh yeah, things may get a wee bit dangerous there sugarbutt so... can you dig it?