As If (2001–2004)
[when he realizes that Sooz is in the men's room]
Jamie Collier: The men's toilet, have you grown a penis?
Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: No, have you?
[trying to dissuade Jamie from handing out flyers with his phone number on the streets]
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Do you really think any girl in her right mind is gonna call you?
Jamie Collier: Two words my son... Sex Digest.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Two more... Insane asylum.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: You were flirting with him all night!
Nicki Sutton: Who?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Serge!
Nicki Sutton: I was NOT.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Nicki, your knickers were around your ankles
Nicki Sutton: I wanna know who he lost his virginity to.
Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: We're not doing that, are we?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Well I can tell you... She was more woman than you'll ever be, and more man than you'll ever get.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: I don't want cheering up. I'm enjoying being miserable. It's a part of the process. It's like grieving. It's necessary.
Nicki Sutton: It is?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Let's get this straight: For the record, I hate musicals, especially "The Wizard of Oz"! I think all modern art is pretentious junk. And shopping is NOT better than sex! Especially when it's instead of sex! Now, I don't know what manual on gay men you've been consulting, but it's out of date, all right?
[just before she swallows a bunch of sleeping pills]
Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: Life can't get any better.
[complaining about the age of consent in the UK being higher for homosexuals than for heterosexuals]
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: It's a load of crap all this consent lark. Everyone of my mates is getting it, why can't I?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: I'm not being heterophobic... Some of my best friends are straight.
[Allen's first line upon meeting student teacher Alex]
Allen Rissbrook: Coming, Sir?
Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: Jaime. If you really want to help you should go and create a performance piece. You know, something alone the line of... Food as Dirt... juxtaposed with the cleansing ritual.
Jamie Collier: Right, so you want me to do the washing up, then.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: I had no idea apples were such promiscuous fruits.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Aren't you underage?
Allen Rissbrook: For what?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Drinking. And it's a school night.
Allen Rissbrook: All work and no play makes Al a dull boy.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: You mean me or you?
Allen Rissbrook: Sorry, we on a first name terms now?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: No I just...
Allen Rissbrook: Tell me. Are you feeling lucky tonight then? Cause I am. Al.
Allen Rissbrook: So here's how I see it. You're almost a teacher, and I'm pretty much a student. So it'd be a really bad idea if you kissed me.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: What?
Allen Rissbrook: It'd be like crossing a line.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Yeah, and that's precisely why I'm NOT gonna do it.
Allen Rissbrook: No, but I can SAY ya did. Yeah?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Are you threatening me? When I can tell them that you were sitting in here, underage...
Allen Rissbrook: [taking one of Alex's tequilas] Drinking a drink that you bought me?
[Alex grabs his wrist]
Allen Rissbrook: With you holding my hand?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: You're screwed up.
Allen Rissbrook: Kiss me. Or I'll say you did. You know you want to.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: No I don't.
Allen Rissbrook: Yes you do. Al... Sir...
[discussing Alex's past]
Jamie Collier: Classic thing is, Right. There was this guy once. Al was totally into him. But he had to lie about his age to get him. So I think now, being around kiddies, freaks him out a bit.
Allen Rissbrook: Yeah, he's nice, Al, isn't he?
Jamie Collier: Yeah he is. He's always clean and punctual and...
[Realizing Allan is gay]
Jamie Collier: Right. Ya mean nice.
Allen Rissbrook: Yeah.
Jamie Collier: Sorry mate. I had ya down as one of us.
[Sooz is fanatacizing how her friends will react if she commits suicide]
Sasha Williams: I'm pregnant.
Sasha Williams: Let's call the baby Sooz. Even if it's a boy.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Sooz, This is Jeff. We met over a few beers last night.
Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: [wrongly appraising Jeff as a trick] Right.
Jeff: And what a night it was too. Could hardly walk this morning.
Jamie Collier: [thinking that Al and Jeff had a date] So, you and Al hit it off last night then?
Jeff: [Thinking that he's talking about their night of drinking and darts] Yeah, his wrist action is a bit dodgy though. Needs a bit more oomph. His aim's really good. That's no use if the bloody thing keeps popping out.