Black Books (2000–2004)
Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but it's quite short.
Fran: It'll be great seeing them all again, it'll be like being back at school!
Bernard: You hated being at school, you had a terrible time.
Fran: I never told you about that.
Bernard: You didn't have to, I just look at your life now and work backwards!
Bernard: [hangover] No Doctors! Doctors are Satanists! That's why they write Ambulance backwards.
Bernard: Natural Selection favours the loud and aggressive, no offense, but genetically you are a cul-de-sac.
Bernard: [grabs a book at random] This one's good, you'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life!
Bernard: I can feel pieces of my brain falling away like a wet cake.
Bernard: Don't you DARE use the word "Party" as a verb in my shop!
Bernard: The little man in my hair is getting very annoyed.
Chalkboard: No Anecdotage.
Chalkboard: No Chatting, No Smiling, Absolute Silence!
Bernard: Why would I want to do that, when I can do this?
Manny: What's the "L" for?
Bernard: Ludwig, you know, like Beethoven.
Manny: Ludwig? Why would your parents...
Bernard: [Bernard gives him a stern look]
Fran: I miss my shop.
Bernard: You hated your shop.
Fran: Yes, but hating it took up a big part of my life. I'm disconnected now, I keep buying little things to cheer myself up.
Bernard: And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the Underpants Charleston with this insane, blind tart?
Chalkboard: No giggling.
T-shirt: Flipper Dolphin Steaks.
Bernard: He doesn't know the alphabet! He can't read
[raises Manny's hair for emphasis]
Bernard: at all!
T-shirt: Veterans of Disorder.
Bernard: I only want French spoken in my Kitchen! An n' est pas anything else!
[fires crossbow bolt at an Ambience]
Chalkboard: No Prehensilizing!
Tishtayan Granny: The Bonds of Third Cousinhood cannot be broken!