C.W.: I hate her just like I hate that German Chancellor with the moustache.
C.W.: The house is messy. If I knew you were coming I'd have had the maid rearrange the dirt.
C.W.: Are you divorced or widowed? Did your husband commit suicide? I could understand that.
Chris: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.
C.W.: I know, perceptive.
C.W.: Hide in the bedroom.
Betty Ann: Can I sit down in there or will I catch something?
C.W.: Germs can't live in your blood - it's too cold.
C.W.: I found the Picasso. It wasn't easy. I was looking for a woman with a guitar and it was all cubes. It took me two hours to find her nose.
Laura Kensington: I have a strawberry birthmark on my thigh. Want to see it?
C.W. Briggs: Sure, when can I take the full tour?
C.W.: Are you going to take your coat off? It hasn't rained in this apartment in 20 years.
C.W.: A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but...
Laura Kensington: You have a fresh mouth. I don't think I like it.
C.W.: I tend to grow on people. We could meet later and I could grow on you.
C.W.: We'll have lunch. I know a great restaurant you'll love. Gestapo food.
C.W.: There's a deck of cards with naked women on it.
Laura Kensington: Let me guess, you use it to play solitaire.
C.W.: I used to date the six of spades.
Laura Kensington: I'll slip into something a little bit more comfortable. Wait for me in bed.
C.W.: More comfortable than that? What are you gonna put on, Jergens lotion?
Betty Ann: So what, you always get your kicks fondling women's shoes?
C.W. Briggs: Once in a while I'll fondle a whole woman...
Al: So did you tell her who's boss?
C.W.: Is she kidding, talking to me like that? It's 'cause she thinks she's smarter... you know, 'cause she graduated from Vassar and I went to driving school.
Betty Ann: You misunderstand me. I dreamed you and I finally wound up together.
Chris: That's funny because I didn't hear any screaming.
C.W.: It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.
C.W.: I may be a scummy vermin but I'm an honest scummy vermin.
C.W.: You snore like a grizzly bear with a sinus condition.
C.W.: My clergyman - who happens to be wanted for pederasty - will vouch for me.
Chris: Many a man has gone to the gallows on circumstantial evidence.
Betty Ann: You hate any woman that doesn't have a double digit IQ.
C.W.: Never trust a woman who whistles for her own cab.
C.W.: I can't stand her.
Betty Ann: Don't pay attention to him. He's a sleazy little megalomaniac who's afraid of women.
C.W.: Don't work too late. The bags under your eyes are getting bigger.
Al: [Watching Jill walk away] My God, that girl's got a body that won't quit!
C.W.: Quit? It won't take five minutes off for a coffee break.
Jill: I'd love to, but you have to have me at home and in bed by midnight.
C.W.: That's exactly what I was planning.
C.W.: This is a very smart burglar and you guys have trouble figuring out who did it when you get a confession.
Betty Ann: Who do you think I am, a peroxide little secretary with her brains in her sweater and whose ass you pinch?
C.W.: If you've got a cold, someone's got to rub your chest down with Vick's.
Jill: If anyone rubs my chest down they'd better bring a ring.
C.W.: The New York City Police want to give me a lifetime achievement award.
C.W.: Let me have the cherry cheesecake and a prune danish and a couple of Hershey bars, oh and I should have something sweet. Let me have some chocolate covered raisins.
C.W.: I didn't do it and i gotta have time to prove it, otherwise they're going to lock me up in a concrete building and you'll only be able to insult me on visiting day.
C.W.: Did I really throw you out of bed?
Laura Kensington: Why? Are you planning on using the insanity defense?