Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Rock (1999 TV Special)
Wife: We closin' shop now right?
Old Ernie: Who said. I never said that.
Wife: You did, you mind changing, scheduel forgetting fool.
Old Ernie: Well tonight I wanna stay open you clock watching, early closing, lazy not working, back talking,
[Wife agrees to close]
Old Ernie: you late staying, always agreeing, butt kissing,
[Wife inquires as to when are they going to close]
Old Ernie: You when-are-we-gonna-close-up-and-go asking, turtle neck wearing, attitude giving, free loading, going in the back room, butt wiggling, not listening, you coming in from the back room box carrying, teeth sucking, head shaking, husband ignoring, you're not hearing me, isle reshelving, inventory taking, new price tag giving, thinking I was done but I'm not done because I'm still talking, I got more to say you head neck wearing, uh... Ozone destroying, um...
[looks in dictionary]
Old Ernie: polar ice cap melting, earring wearing, walking out of my site, ducking down behind the damn thing, 38 Calibur Pistol shooting, pointing at me,
Old Ernie: Husband shooting, mess making,
[Wife fires again]
Old Ernie: , two time shooting neither time fairly wounded.
[Wife shoots again]
Old Ernie: Okay, let's close the store.
Dennis Miller: More on this from SNL news correspondent, Chris Rock!
Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis. Now as you know, there's been alot of talk about a black vice president. And I just wanna tell the world that it'll never happen. As long as you live you will never see a black vice president, you know why? Because some black guy would just kill the president. I'd do it. If Colin Powell was vice president, I'd kill the president and tell his mother about it. What would happen to me? What would they do? Put me in jail with a bunch of black guys that would treat me like a king for the rest of my life? I would be the biggest star in jail, alright, people would be coming up to me and I'd be signing autographs: "97-KY, here you go." Guys would be going: "You're the brother that shot Bush. And you told his mother about it huh? I hope my children turn out to be just like you, Man, you know I was getting ready to rape you until I realized who you were. And even if they had a death penalty, what would happen? I'd just be pardoned by the black president. So you see, Dennis, it would not be in George Bush's best intrests to place Colin Powell on the ticket.
Chris Rock: It's sad that your taxes don't cover any medical. No medical. I think doctors make too much money, you know why? Because they don't cure anything. Everything they cured, they cured 50 years ago. They ain't cured anything in a long time, man, you know, diseases are piling up, man, we've cancer, sicacell, and Geri's Kids still limping around. Come on, Man, get rid of something. Some diseases, they just gave up on. They said: "To hell with it!" Like blindness. You go blind, they don't got nothing for you. You go to a doctor, tell him you're blind, he says, "Hey why don't you get this dog to drag your blind ass around." Where's the medicine? Where's the science? I'm blind! I can't see! There's people that can see that can't handle a dog! Come on, give me a midget or something!
Chris Rock: There's this big fuss about prison over crowding! Prison over crowding. I don't get it. I thought that was the whole idea of prison, a place for prisoners to feel uncomfortable. At my house we used to sleep four to a bed but we never tried to hang my father. Jails are so nice they go back twice. They don't have this problem in other countries. Nobody goes to Siberia twice. Nobody goes to Iran twice because it's hard to snatch another purse if you don't got another hand. It's pretty hard to lie to the judge with no tongue in your mouth! We're too nice to our criminals! Prisoners get three meals a day, homeless people don't get anything. That's messed up. I think criminals should get one meal a day: dinner. And not on a tray like normal people, they should put a cow in the courtyard and whatever happens, happens. You miss a meal go to deathrow and get the extra meat off the electric chair. I know that's harsh, but I hate the electric chair. Because electricity goes through there and electricity costs money, tax payers money! My $50! There are alot of cheap ways to kill someone. Like stabbing don't cost a damn thing. Get a stabbing chair. That's all I got to say, Man!
Kevin Nealon: Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen.
Onski: Yo whassup? Whassup? Welcome to I'm Chillin'. I'm your host, Onski, and sittin' by my side is my real cool cat, he knows where it's at, he's my brother phat, my acrobat, my laundromat, my aristocrat, my diplomat, my place mat, my Gilligan's hat, my fire side chat, and he's all bizzat! B. Real!
[On the Bensonhurst Dating Game]
Stacey: Okay, number three, if I were a flavor of ice cream, what flavor would I be ancd what would you do with me?
Kevin Stubbs: You would be red raspberry and I'd lick you all over.
Andy Perotta: Excuse me, what did you just say?
Kevin Stubbs: I said what they said!
Andy Perotta: I heard what you said, I'm saying next time you better be a little smarter.
Kevin Stubbs: But I said what they said!
Andy Perotta: Use your head.
Nat X: My next guest starred in the TV movie of the week. Please welcome Tori Spelling.
[Tori walks out on stage]
Nat X: Sit your rich white ass down!
Tori Spelling: Hi Nat. Good to be here. How are you?
Nat X: Look, don't come here kissing my behind. The only reason you here is because your daddy paid me okay? Now I saw your movie of the week.
Tori Spelling: Did you like it?
Nat X: Let me put it this way. I've seen better action in a Cambodian whorehouse.
Nat X: I'll beat your ass so bad you'll be the only guy in Heaven with a wheelchair.
Chris Rock: I was the only black kid in my grade. I felt like Franklin from The Charlie Brown Show. You've seen Franklin for 25 years and not one line! Nothing. Twenty five years! Everyone on Charlie Brown is their own character that's all thought out, you know, Linus got the blanket, Lucy's a bitch, Shroder plays the piano, Peppermint Patty's a lesbian. Everybody got their thing except Franklin. Come on, give him a Jamacian accent for something! Twenty five years man! They don't even invite him to the parties, but Snoopy's dancing his ass off. He's in the house, I don't believe it! Pig Pen's in the house! Pig Pen! I'm upset. I gotta go! I can't take this! That damn dog!
Chris Rock: So we got a big election coming up. Who's gonna win? Bill or Bob? Bob or Bill? I like Clinton. Know why I like Clinton? Because he's got real problems. He don't got president problems, he got real problems like you and me, like running out of money, his wife's a pain in the ass, all his friends are going to jail. I know Bill Clinton, I *AM* Bill Clinton!
Chris Rock: Everyone in this room has atleast one gay cousin. You're all thinking about them now aren't you? Well I've got a gay uncle. I call him Aunt Tom. I love my Aunt Tom. I know right now if I was in a fight, my Aunt Tom would take off his pumps and whoop some ass!
Kevin Nealon: Well it's the season premier of Saturday Night Live, alot of us here at the show look at this as the first day of school. Here with his comments is Chris Rock.
Chris Rock: Thank you, Kevin, now to most people, the first day of school was a happy time but not to me, know why? Because I was bussed to school, was very hard being bussed to school. Know what that meant? It means I had to get up every morning at six o'clock in the morning to compete with white kids who didn't have to wake up until eight. And that's not fair! Now say I lower my head on the desk, teacher going "Chris can't read." No, Chris is tired alright! Give me a nap and maybe I'll pass the damn test!
Kevin Nealon: This Monday, America celebrates what would've been Martin Luther King's 63rd birthday. Most people will get the day off work, except the residents of Arizona who voted against the King holiday, more on this from SNL news correspondant Chris Rock.
Chris Rock: Now there's alot of talk about the people of Arizona being racist. So I went to see for myself, I went to Arizona and I'm walking through the streets of Tucson pushing my little baby brother in a stroller when a white woman comes up to the baby, smiles and says 'Boy what a pretty niglet.' Now if you don't like black people, that's one thing, but what I can't understand is why people in a hot-ass desert town like Tucson, Arizona wouldn't want a day off work. It's not like you have to do something black on that day. You don't have to ready Ebony magazine, you don't have to watch Soul Train, all you have to do is not work. Now if this was an Elvis holiday, they'd take that off. It would be like another Christmas. With big fat white guys coming down chimneys with Elvis jumpsuits on, giving out preyludes. Now, everybody doesn't get Martin Luther King's birthday off, even the states that celebrate, some people still have to work. Now one group that never have to work are prisoners. Criminals. Every ciminal in every jail get's the day off work, which means even James Earl Rey, the man who killed Martin Luther King get's the day off. He's so crazy, he's probably walking around prison saying, "Everybody get's the day off today and nobody even bothered to thank me. " Now what Arizona needs to do is give Dr. King somebody else's holiday. There are so many holidays we celebrate every year that mean nothing. Like Columbus Day. Nobody celebrates Columbus Day, nobody puts three ships in their front yard. First of all, Columbus discovered the West Indies. Second of all, the land he discovered had occupants on it. That's like discovering someone's back yard. All Columbus did was discover a West Indian back yard. He got his little flag and said "I claim this land for Spain." And the West Indians are like, "Hey, Mon, get your darn flag off me lawn now. Move it now!" So Arizona, get your act together and hail the King! Thank you very much.
Dennis Miller: Here with an editorial on taxes and crime is SNL news correspondent, Chris Rock.
Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis. Before I started comedy, I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? It's like, "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law." Now minimum wage used to come up to about $200 a week and then they'd take out $50 in taxes. That's alot of money if you're only making $200 a week. That's kinda like kicking Monday and Tuesday in the ass. I hate taxes, I hate checks. I hate the fact that they put two amounts of money on your check. It's like: This is the money you worked all week for, and this is what you're gonna get. Don't tease me! Don't take off your bra and say: "Whatcha lookin' at?" I think taxes are the reason there's so much crime.
Chris Rock: The thing that makes me most happy is doing stand up. Being on the road, on tour, checking out America. There's no more America. Remember when we were kids it was America? You go see your grandma, go to her little town? There's no more little towns, it's all malls. All malls and they're all the same. The same mall St. Louis is the same mall in Detroit. Got the same Gap, Banana Republic, Chest King, Sunglasses Hut, all the same crap. And every town's got two malls: they got the white mall, and the mall white people used to go to. 'Cause there ain't nothing in the black mall. Nothing in the black mall but sneakers and baby clothes.
Chris Rock: Hi, I'm Chris Rock. And that was me at the world famous Apollo Theatre. Now it's a known fact that the crowd at the Apollo is the toughest in the world. And people often come up to me and say "Chris, I'm white. How can I survive the Apollo?" That's why I created these video tapes called Chris Rock's Guide to Surviving the Apollo. Let me show you one white person's who benefited from my tapes.
Comedian: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, how are you this evening? The other day I was cleaning my pool and you know...
Woman in Audience: Boo! We don't wanna hear about no damn pool! Get outta here! Hey where's Sinbad?
Onski: Now as you may have noticed. My main man B. Fats ain't here. And I'm sad to say that last year, B. Fats converted to Islam and moved to Palestine, where he became the only casulaty in the east bank, west bank rap war.
B. Real: Yo! Hangin' out. You know, doing my beston. Got more bitches than Charleton Heston.
Onski: Now before I start the shizow, I say before I start the shizow, Iwanna say whassup to a new sponsor. That's right, it's time to say whassup to 'I Ain't Trying to Hear That', the home pregnancy test for men. That's right, it gives the man just enough tizime to get the hell out of town.
Onski: Now it's time for the mother joke of the dizay. Today's mother joke was sent to us from Timmy Chee of the Gilmore Projects, and it goes a little something like this: Yo mama's so fat that when put on her BVDs they spell boulevard!
B. Real: Yo, Don Pardon, tell him what he wins.
Don Pardo: You win Tommy Hilfiger wall paper, line your walls with the dopest decoration around, kid! And your own sitcom on the WB. With the rapper of your choice and your own Wayans brother.
Onski: Right and if you don't like that, ya might get shot.
Tori Spelling: What's with your afro? You look like Dwayne from What's Happening?
Nat X: Don't you talk about Hayward Nelson! Alright, cracker girl, I'll tell you what's happening, this ain't Beverly Hills 9021HO! My next guest is the heavyweight champion of the world, please welcome Mike Tyson!
[Mike walks out on stage]
Nat X: Sit your convicted fellon ass down!
Nat X: I was watchin' a hockey game and I noticed there were no black people. So I looked into this example of the white man once again keepin' the black man down and found out why there were no black people in hockey. First, it's cold out there! Second, we might get our gold teeth knocked out! Third, we have no desire to dominate another professional sport. And, finally, no brother is going to go anywhere there is a bunch of crazy white people wearin' masks and carryin' sticks!
Chris Rock: Let's face it. White people can't box. Black people box better. Puerto Ricans... even better. It seems the lower you go on the social ladder, the better the boxer. If there's a Puerto Rican who is a good boxer, there's a Native American waiting to kick his ass.