Can't Smeg Won't Smeg (1998) Poster

(1998 TV Special)

Chris Barrie: Rimmer


  • Ainsley Harriott : Our next contestant can't cook, but not because he's incapable; it's because he is a total smeghead. Welcome, Arnold Judas Rimmer.

    Rimmer : Ah, Mr. Harriott. May I start by saying what a great pleasure it is to have me here.

  • Ainsley Harriott : I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Okay, boys, let's see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight.

    Rimmer : Well, we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil.

    Lister : We got some wine made from urine recyc.

    Rimmer : Ah! The '52, an excellent year, very smooth. No aftertaste or hair loss.

    Lister : But I don't suppose that'd bother you, would it?

    [Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald] 

    Kryten : Also we have a Mimian bladder fish, sir.

    Duane Dibbley : I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut!

    Lister : We've got an insole...

    Kryten : Er... a Pot Noodle.

    Lister : Caroline Carmen's ear.

    Ainsley Harriott : That is totally unhygienic!

    Lister : No, no, it's been kept in the fridge!

    Ainsley Harriott : [Ainsley loses his temper]  Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever-it-is, Mimian trout and yeah, your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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