Surviving Christmas (2004)
Drew Latham: Hey, Dad.
Christine Valco: He's talking to you, genius.
Tom Valco: Yeah, Drew?
Drew Latham: Would you do me a kindness? Put this hat on. My dad always used to wear a Santa hat when we went Christmas tree shopping.
Tom Valco: [laughs] In public?
Drew Latham: Yeah.
Tom Valco: Yeah, that would be no. And in private, that would be no, too.
Drew Latham: Please wear the hat.
Tom Valco: No. I'm not wearing the hat.
Drew Latham: Tom, you gotta wear the hat.
Tom Valco: I'm not wearing the hat.
Drew Latham: Wear the hat, Tom.
Tom Valco: I'm not wearing the hat. Now get it away from me before I shove it up your ass!
Drew Latham: Tom, are you familiar with the phrase "breach of contract"?
Tom Valco: Give me the hat!
Drew Latham: Please! Please, let me stay here!
Tom Valco: No!
Drew Latham: I'll pay you.
Tom Valco: My family's not for sale, pal.
Drew Latham: I'll pay you $250,000!
Tom Valco: Welcome home, son.
Tom Valco: I think your mom's starting to like your grandfather hitting on her.
Drew Latham: There's a sentence you don't often hear on Christmas Eve.
Missy Vanglider: Daddy, stop the car! Oh, my God!
Letitia Vanglider: Oh, my God!
Horace Vanglider: He's kissing his sister.
Letitia Vanglider: That is open mouth!
Horace Vanglider: 'Tis the season to be jolly, honey.
Letitia Vanglider: Oh, God! Get us out of here!
Horace Vanglider: Maybe they're trying to keep warm.
Letitia Vanglider: Let's get out of here! Come on!
Drew Latham: Folks, my firm's done a tremendous amount of marketing research and we've discovered two critical things, one; most Americans feel that Christmas is a time for family. Two; most Americans feel that in order to stand being around their family, for even one or two days, they need to swill as much alcohol as humanly possible.
Christine Valco: Tom, that guy is still here.
Tom Valco: Yeah, I know.
Christine Valco: Why is he still here?
Tom Valco: He's giving us $250,000 to be his family for Christmas.
Christine Valco: And you agreed to this without asking me?
Tom Valco: Of course I did, he's giving us $250,000!
Christine Valco: And how would you like it if I agreed to something like this without asking you?
Tom Valco: Well, that would depend. Would we be getting $250,000?
Deli Man: How's the holidays?
Tom Valco: Considering I got a pain in my ass about six feet tall in my house, all right!
Tom Valco: [shouts] Brian, get down here and eat your dinner, will you?
Brian Valco: I'm not hungry!
Tom Valco: Yeah, you are!
Christine Valco: Stop yelling at me.
Tom Valco: I'm not yelling at you. Brian!
Christine Valco: [shouts] Brian! Get down here please, so your father can stop not yelling at me!
Brian Valco: I'm busy!
Tom Valco: I told you, we shouldn't have put the computer up in his room. He's gonna spend all his time there.
Christine Valco: Oh, Tom. Welcome to the future, dear. He's advancing his skills. One day that computer's gonna get our baby a good job.
Tom Valco: Trust me. What he's doing up there, nobody's gonna pay him for, 'cause if they did, I'd have retired at seventeen.
Drew Latham: Hey, Alicia! Want to go toboganning with me?
Alicia Valco: Oh, I'm sorry Drew. Have I been sending you mixed signals?
Drew Latham: [laughs] You know, I just thought instead of maybe laying around the house all day, you might actually wanna have some fun.
Alicia Valco: No thanks.
Drew Latham: Oh, I see. You're afraid of fun. You don't like having fun!
Alicia Valco: Of course I like fun. Everybody likes fun... it's fun!
Drew Latham: So then, why won't you go with me?
Alicia Valco: Because it'll be with you.
Drew Latham: Wow, I can't believe it. This is amazing. This is exactly how I remember it.
Brian Valco: You mean, you're saying it was always a shithole?
Drew Latham: Did you hear that? That stair squeaked. You know what we used to call that squeaky stair? The squeaky stair!
Drew Latham: Mom, you wanna stick with Doo-Dah?
Christine Valco: Why me?
Drew Latham: He's your father.
Doo-Dah: How come you never call?
Drew Latham: You do know that's a bra you're putting in Brian's drawer, right?
Christine Valco: Yeah, that's your brother. He's 15, he likes to experiment. We still love him though.
Tom Valco: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, I agreed that you could stay here not Doo-Doo over here.
Tom Valco: Nobody's talkin' to you.
Tom Valco: Know what happened to me on my way home? I got propositioned by a hooker.
Doo-Dah: She the blonde with the big cans?
Tom Valco: Hey, Doo-Doo. You watch your language in front of my daughter.
Doo-Dah: [after Brian shows him an online link to "Middle Aged Hotties] Now you're talking my language. Old enough to know how it's done and young enough to still want to do it.
Doo-Dah: [performing "A Christmas Carol" onstage] But how can we go? I'm liable to fall out the window.
Christmas Present: Then we go another way. We fly!
Doo-Dah: [cables are hoisting both up] Wedgie! Wedgie!
Tom Valco: [at the play watching Doo-Dah] Christine.
Christine Valco: Hm?
Tom Valco: If I were to leave, I wouldn't know where to go.
Christine Valco: So why leave?
Tom Valco: That's what I'm saying, I don't want to leave.
Christine Valco: Then don't.
Tom Valco: Okay, I won't. Is that all right with you?
Christine Valco: [turns to him and smiles] Yeah. It's fine with me.
[they take each other's hands during the play]