Joan Clayton: My mother always said, "When love runs out on you, God sends you love's equivalent... or better."
Toni Childs: I thought she said, "When you run out of love's lubricant, use butter."
Joan Clayton: What?
Toni Childs: What? Your momma does mumble. And we both know she's a freak.
Maya Wilkes: [Talking to Toni] Kiss is a noun and a verb, so you can either give my ass a kiss or kiss my ass!
Maya Wilkes: [Maya is accusing Darnell of cheating on her with his co-worker at the airport] Joan said she saw you down at the airport with some woman.
Darnell Wilkes: And if Joan had stayed there she would have seen me down there with a lot of women... that didn't come out right.
Toni Childs: Maya, how'd you get so smart?
Maya Wilkes: Oh, girl, I'm an authoress. I gots to know stuff.
Toni Childs: I guess you don't "gots" to know grammar.
Maya Wilkes: At least I didn't miss my baby's first doctor's appointment!
Toni Childs: At least I didn't leave my baby on the bus!
Maya Wilkes: Bus *stop*! Get it right, bitch.
Maya Wilkes: Thanks for watching my little man, Toni.
Toni Childs: No problem. Jamal is a very wise young man.
Maya Wilkes: For the last time Toni, his name is Jabari.
Toni Childs: But he looks like a Jamal.
Maya Wilkes: [to Darnell] You know there was a time when I did think you were controlling, but now I think you just love too hard. You try to protect the people you love from life when you just need to let them live it with you.
Toni Childs: Where's my phone sheet?
Shelby Girard: On your zip disk.
Toni Childs: Nuh-uh, I don't zip-a-dee-do that. I want my phone sheet on paper.
Shelby Girard: Has Enron taught you nothing?
Maya Wilkes: [recounting story of Jabari as a newborn] Let's just say LA Transit gets a bad rap. Because they do return lost items.
Toni Childs: You left Jingle-Jangle on the bus?
Maya Wilkes: No! I left Jingle-Jangle at the bus stop.
Julie Fageaux: So... lunch?
Maya Wilkes: Yeah.
Julie Fageaux: Soho?
Maya Wilkes: I said yeah, bitch!
Julie Fageaux: Okay, you know what I'm just trying to do my job, I'm trying to meet your needs. I love your book and I don't know why you feel the need to come in and attack me
Maya Wilkes: What did I do to you?
Julie Fageaux: You called me a bitch
Maya Wilkes: You called me a ho!
Julie Fageaux: OK... Soho is a neighborhood.
Maya Wilkes: Jabari, I said get up and take out the trash now.
Jabari Wilkes: [mumbling] What, are your legs broke?
Maya Wilkes: No, but your ass is about to be!
Darnell Wilkes: We're just not clicking the way we used to.
Maya Wilkes: Maybe we should pray about it.
Darnell Wilkes: What?
Maya Wilkes: A family that prays together, stays together.
Darnell Wilkes: All right, you pray, I'm going to bed.
Maya Wilkes: Baby, be angry at me. Don't be angry at the Lord.
[reciting a poem to make the girls forgive him for something he did]
William Dent: This Charlie can't fly without his angels.
Toni Childs: [on converting to Judaism] I'm already on standby for heaven as it is. I'm not straying from the path I've chosen.
Toni Childs: [referring to Maya's son Jabari] I'm waiting, Ju ju bee.
Toni Childs: [referring to Maya's son Jabari] We all love Gymboree.
Toni Childs: Shelby, I want my employees to show some initiative, but only when I tell them too.
Maya Wilkes: See, Joan, I told you. Actors aren't smart... and they steal... Winona Ryder... I rest my case.
Toni Childs: Hey, Jolly Rancher
Jabari Wilkes: It's *Jabari*!
Toni Childs: Why is he yelling at me in gibberish?