George Carlin: What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988 TV Special)
[about conservative politicians]
George Carlin: These people call themselves "right to lifers." Don't you love that phrase? And don't you love the way these kind of people pervert the English language? You realize that most of the right-to-lifers are in favor of the DEATH penalty? And they support the South American DEATH squads. And they're against gun control and they're against nuclear weapons control. When they say "right to life," they're talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die.
George Carlin: You see now they're thinking about banning toy guns, and they're going to keep the fucking real ones!
George Carlin: People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies." A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that.
George Carlin: [about the Reagan administration] These are the same people who were elected with the help of the moral majority. Elected with the help of the moral majority and the Teamsters union. That's a good combination! Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America.
George Carlin: I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photograph of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
George Carlin: Doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
[about all the tollbooths New Jersey has]
George Carlin: You can't make any gas mileage in New Jersey; you're in a constant state of slowing down! By the time I get to Pennsylvania, I need a fucking brake job!
George Carlin: Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people
George Carlin: Just like that!
George Carlin: Some of you might be familiar with some of my more famous tips from the past: how to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!
George Carlin: Here's another little practical joke for the driver. When you're going through the tollbooth.
George Carlin: Well, not actually *through* the booth itself. That would be a BIG practical joke!
George Carlin: I mean when you're going through the little space in between the booths; when you get up the window and the man sticks out his hand, bargain with him!
George Carlin: Try to get yourself a better deal. Tell him you heard it was "Free Chevrolet Day".
George Carlin: Tell him it's a used road and you're looking for a discount!
George Carlin: Tell him you have no money, you spent it all on pussy and beer.
George Carlin: That'll wake him up; especially if you're a woman!
[about mottos on states' license plates]
George Carlin: The most dramatic one of all has to be New Hampshire's, which says Live Free or DIE!
George Carlin: Well, I'm certainly not going to move there! I get just a *little* nervous in any state where they mention death right on the license plate.
George Carlin: The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment to the Constitution. I'd like to repeat that, because it sounds... *vaguely* important!
George Carlin: The FCC, an appointed body, not elected, answerable only to the president, decided on its own that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the first amendment to the Constitution. Why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi!
George Carlin: A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn't like. Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two KNOBS on the radio?
George Carlin: Two. Knobs. On the radio. Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it.
George Carlin: But hey, reverend, there are two knobs on the radio! One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one
[slaps his head]
George Carlin: CHANGES THE STATION! Imagine that, reverend, you can actually change the station! It's called freedom of choice, and it's one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in the library, reverend, if you have any of them left when you've finished burning all the books.
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin: It's the old American double standard. Say one thing, do something different. And, of course, the country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. This country was founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin: Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free. So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people.
[cheers and applause]
George Carlin: You know what the motto of this country ought to be? "You give us a color, we'll wipe it out!"
George Carlin: You know my motto in traffic? Cop didn't see it, I didn't do it.
George Carlin: [whistles] I'm gone! I haven't hit anybody yet. Haven't hit anybody. I've had a few people behind me hit each other, but hey... that's not me, that's back there! Me? I'm gone! And I'm getting a whole lot better mileage. Especially in town. God damn, them sidewalks come in handy, don't they?
George Carlin: I'm the first one to say it's a great country, but it's a strange culture. We got a strange culture. This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia. Gotta be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all, and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally.
George Carlin: 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, been arrested, indicted, or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code. 225 of 'em! And Edwin Meese alone...
George Carlin: Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by three separate special prosecutors, and there's a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. Three separate special prosecutors have had to look into the activities of the Attorney General; and the Attorney General is the nation's leading law enforcement officer!
George Carlin: See, that's what you've got to remember; this is the Ronald Reagan administration we're talking about. These are the "law and order" people! These are the people who are against street crime. They want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals!
[laughter and applause]
George Carlin: They're against street crime... Yeah! Yeah, they're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
George Carlin: [during his bit on keeping people on their toes] This one is strictly for the guys. Go into a barbershop and tell the man you want to get your pubic hair streaked.
George Carlin: Say "Nothing fancy, just frost my bush."
George Carlin: They'll be talking about your for *years*! The man who had his bush hair sectioned off with aluminum foil, as they try and find a way to fit you under a dryer. You'll be in the bush hall of fame!