The Tick (2001–2002)
[in a violent battle with a bus station coffee machine]
The Tick: Armless bandit... Empty your bladder of that bitter black urine men call coffee! It has its price and its price has been paid! Java devil, you are now my bitch.
The Tick: I am the wild blue yonder. The front line in a never-ending battle between good and not-so-good. Together with my stalwart sidekick, Arthur, and the magnanimous help of some other folks I know, we form the yin to villany's malevolent yang. Destiny has chosen us. Wicked men, you face The Tick.
Arthur: Oh, would you look at this. How many times have I told you about the toothpaste?
The Tick: I know what toothpaste is.
Arthur: When you leave the cap off the toothpaste the toothpaste gets hard and you can't get it out.
The Tick: Doesn't do that for me.
Arthur: That's because by the time you get the toothpaste, I've already cleaned it and put the cap back on!
The Tick: Well, good gravy! We are a well-oiled machine!
The Tick: I'm telling you, Arthur, that checkout lady was giving me the hairy eyeball.
Arthur: Tick, it's called glaucoma.
The Tick: She's up to something nefarious.
Arthur: She makes five twenty-five an hour! She can't afford to be nefarious.
The Tick: Owwwww! My head feels like it's... like it's gunna have a baby.
Arthur: It's called a headache.
The Tick: It has a name?
The Tick: [giving a eulogy] Death. The eternal blink. The capricious dance of Now Ya Stop Movin' Forever. Well contrary to popular belief, death isn't just for dead people. It can happen to anyone. I know, it's news to me too. And it's not just people either, it's all kinds of stuff. Horses, fiddler crabs. Did you know that even a potato... can die?
The Tick: [to Fiery Blaze and Friendly Fire] Lordy, gents! Your banter is immaculate and a pleasure to witness!
The Tick: [to Arthur] You're on a first name basis with lucidity, little friend. I have to call it "mister" lucidity... and that's no good in a pinch.
Arthur: I just don't want to turn into Blaze and Fire, okay?
The Tick: Heavens, man! What kind of crazy Frankenscience could make that possible?
Fiery Blaze: Like I always say, any enemy of evil is a friend of mine.
The Tick: Mandingo, how I grock your mouth music.
The Tick: Well, let's not keep her waiting. She'll only perspire and alarm the neighborhood cats.
The Tick: When society says jump, we say pass the salt.
The Tick: Who can deny the snazzy of that?
The Tick: Are you denying the snazzy of that?
Arthur: [to Tick] You bastard.
The Tick: [Thinking he meant his "wife"] Easy. That's no way to address a lady.
Captain Liberty: Personality? He's a dog. He sits, he rolls over, he plays dead. How much?
Randolph: Well, I don't think I'm going to be able to help you, ma'am. Why don't you go rent a video tape or something instead of ruining some poor puppy's life with your single-woman-hormone clock-is-ticking impulse-buying nonsense.
Captain Liberty: Just sell me the damned dog!
Randolph: She's not for sale! Not to you. What you need is a singles chat room, ma'am, not some living creature.
Randolph: Good day.
Batmanuel: [after watching a ninja assassin plummet out the window] Another urban legend dispelled. Ninjas don't bounce.
Fiery Blaze: So, eh... What does Arthur do?
The Tick: He flies, once in a while. Mostly he yells, like when I leave the cap off the toothpaste.
Fiery Blaze: Wow, there... Hey, that's no good for you, man. You're the superhero! You gotta keep your head clear to wage war against the wicked. Sidekicks are supposed to put the cap back on the toothpaste.
The Tick: I hear that!
Fiery Blaze: Hey, you're the starplayer on this team. He's supposed to take care of the little stuff - bills, laundry, sending out Christmas cards.
The Tick: Go tell it on the mountain!
Fiery Blaze: Dude... I'm *on* the mountain!