Cats & Dogs (2001)
Lou: I'm on to you, kitty, and you're in big trouble!
Russian Blue: I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble!
Mr. Tinkles: Evil does not wear a BONNET! Did Genghis Khan ever wear a bonnet? No. Or Attila the Hun? I don't think so! Although he did wear a furry hat. Maybe a black bonnet...
Mr. Tinkles: Like a powerful, dark storm, I will make my presence known to the world. Like a seeping mist, I will creep into the dogs' center of power, and make them quake in fear at the very mention of my name!
Sophie the Maid: [Opens the doors and enters] Oh, Mr. Tinkles?
Mr. Tinkles: You!
Mr. Tinkles: Tell me... Is the game afoot?
Calico: Uhhh... yes?
Mr. Tinkles: WHY IS THE GAME AFOOT?
Calico: Uhh... I... I mean no...
Mr. Tinkles: Ah, excellent. So the puppy is dead. Now, we can move on to...
Calico: Wait, wait... Can i change my answer?
Mr. Tinkles: [exasperated] Is the puppy alive or not?
Mr. Tinkles: The ninjas failed, and failure is unacceptable! If they ever show their faces again, you know what to do.
Calico: Yes. Tell them to wash with a loofah sponge. Kidding! Hello? Joke!
Mr. Tinkles: This can't be happening. I want them ELIMINATED!
Calico: But they did manage to bug the phone. So maybe we can look at the glass as half full.
[Mr. Tinkles growls and throws the roll at Calico]
Calico: Ow! That's what I like to do.
Mr. Tinkles: Oh, putting a happy face on things. What an interesting philosophy. At what point did you forget WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?
Russian Blue: This Tinkles, he is jerk. He talk too much and shed all over.
Russian Blue: What do they know? I work hard, bring home the Meow Mix...
[Whilst driving like an imbecile]
Calico: [shouting] Get out of the road you lunatic!
Prof. Dad Brody: Who do you think kidnapped us, Uraguay or Chad?
[Sophie the Maid has made a matching outfit to hers, for Tinkles, and she is pointing it out to him]
Sophie the Maid: Mr. Tinkles? Guess what I made for you. Now you can look just like me.
Mr. Tinkles: [finally speaking] No, I think not, Sophie. Those days are through. What's the matter Large Marge? Cat got your tongue? Boo!
Mr. Tinkles: Oh my, a talking cat? Scary, isn't it?
Mr. Tinkles: Lock her in the closet, we must remain on scheduele. OUR DAY HAS COME!
Mr. Tinkles: With the dogs out of the way, cats will overthrow the humans and you will be given your much-deserved reward: sixteen pounds of Monterey Jack and the continent of Australia.
Lou: I think that if I'm going to be a secret agent, I should have a better name. I was thinking, "Toto Annihilation".
Peek: Nah, he's a pro wrestler. Sorry, that name's taken.
Lou: Alright then, "Doom Machine" it is!
Butch: Hey! You can call yourself Squicky the Spacedog for all I care, but that don't make your behind a rocket pack. You are *not* an agent, but you *are* gonna help us.
Lou: I changed my mind... call me the Claw of Ling Chow!
Ninja Cat #3: Ling Chow this!
[Lou and the Russian cat are rolling on the floor fighting]
Lou: Get off me, you furball!
Russian Blue: You fight like a poodle.
Sophie the Maid: [sniffing Tinkles] Ah, you're a stinky kitty. First you have to have a bath.
Lou: Well, Miss Challenged, I'm sorry, but I think you gotta leave. My orders are clear. I -...
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: Orders?
Lou: That's right. I'm a secret agent.
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: An agent? Why, you're a little small for an agent. Shouldn't you be busy having fun?
Lou: I don't have time for fun.
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: Ew! Tough guy.
Russian Blue: [when being interrogated by the dogs] I will tell you nothing! I may look cute and cuddly, but inside... GRANITE!
Mr. Tinkles: Attention... OW!... Attention human workers, this is your employer Mr Mason. Effective immediately, you are all fired. That's right, fired! Go home now. Do not ask why. You have no one to blame but yourselves. Unless of course you have a dog, then you can blame him. In fact, you know what, kick him when you get home! That is all.
Mr. Tinkles: Cats rule! And now for the next phase of my plan.
Russian Blue: [the Russian is looking at Professor Brody's lab door] Hmmm, piece of junk American door.
Prof. Dad Brody: Our team is red hot, your team ain't doodley squat!
Cat with Gas Mask: [breathes like Darth Vader] Cats rule! Cats Rule! Yeyeyeyeah! Mamamamaaaaaaa! Oh, yeah! We kick butt!
Mr. Tinkles: Dark Cloud? Is that what I'm calling my plan?
Sam: Doom Machine! You're still alive!
Peek: Yep, all five limbs. Sam, you owe me five pig ears, Hickory Smoked!
Lou: You should've fought for me; for my family.
Butch: Why? What good would it do?
Lou: What about man's best friend? History 101, remember?
Butch: Okay, well, here's lesson number two: we help them. We work for them. We tolerate that stupid boochy-boochy baby talk crap. And for WHAT? So that when they go off to college, they can dump you off with some old lady who can't throw a ball without so much as breaking her HIP!
Lou: Is that what happened to you? You're gonna blame my family for what some boy did to you?
Butch: Look, kid, I'm sorry it played out like this, but it's over. We're shut down.
The Mastiff: It appears that once again we find ourselves threatened by the great Cat Menace.
Mr. Tinkles: Hello, my puny-minded, dog-faced opponents. I'm sure you're wondering to yourselves who it is that will defeat you. Who it is that possesses the intellect to win at this chess game of wits and might? It is I!
Mr. Tinkles: Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow. How many dogs does it take to over throw mankind? Just one stupid puppy.
Lou: Where is my family?
Mr. Tinkles: Oh they're alive, for now, but it won't matter, you see I've-
[the limousine swerves all over the road Mr Tinkles hits the left side of the limousine]
Mr. Tinkles: Oh my. This isn't NASCAR you idiot.
Mr. Tinkles: I have seized the professor's formula, and in a mere hour I will reverse it, giving me the power to make all humans allergic to dogs.
[the limousine swerves again]
Mr. Tinkles: How am supposed to gloat gleefully when you're driving like a chimpanzee? I mean, really!
Mr. Tinkles: Now I will make all of humanity violently allergic to your wretched kind, and when you are all hated and despised by those you protect, you will be cast out, leaving me to lead all of catkind in a glorious revolution to conquer the world!
Lou: What will we do?
Butch: "We"? You just handed the world back to the cats and doomed the human race forever. There is nothing left to do.
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: You always give up too easy, Butch.
Butch: Is that what I think it is?
Lou: What, Butch?
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: Yep, it's the Cat Tracker 2000.
Mr. Tinkles: [the Scene changes. The limousine is driving back to the factory with the professor's Formula] Those fleabags must be running for the hills!
Calico: Yeah I- yeah that's what I was thinking.
Butch: Okay, what do we got?
Peek: It's a kitten, A Russian blue!
Sam: And a number 2 in sector three.
Lou: Was she crazy? That steamer was bigger than me.
Butch: Nice work kid, you're sitting this one out. Sam, let me know when she leaves.
Sam: I don't see her.
Lou: But I was framed. That cat... wait up, I want to help.
Sam: [Mrs Brody opens the front door and sees Peek and Sam] Look out. Human, sector four.
Peek: Human! Quick Sam, smell my butt.
Mrs. Mom Brody: Alright, break it up! Break it up! Break it up!.
Peek: Cold nose! Cold nose!
Sam: Let's go.
Butch: Alright, agent. Let's meet the team.
Lou: 'Agent' - whoa!
Butch: Kid, look over there, that's Peek.
Lou: Peek? I don't get it.
Butch: Peek, show yourself.
[Peek appears from a manhole in a circle see through like tube under a bin]
Lou: Huh? oh my god!
Butch: Peek's early warning, He's got it all, Radar, sonar, thermo-imaging, odor-matrix. He can detect any non-residential cat within a three-block radius.
Peek: Hi guys.
Butch: Peek, fall in.
Peek: Roger that.
Butch: Sam, what's your twenty?
Sam: 1/18 of a klick east, I'm going to backtrack using a delta approach in three... two... one.
[Sam moves from bush to bush]
Peek: Hi guys. Oh no, not again.
Sam: Where am I?
[Sam then rolls over to half way of the road]
Butch: Over here Sam.
[Sam then meets up with the others]
Sam: Request, permission to pant, heavily, sir
Butch: Granted. Boys, I want you to meet Lou.
Peek: Hey Louie
Sam: Hey Lou
[as the the jogger jogs past she sees Butch near a fire hydrant, Peek digging in the ground and Sam holding a newspaper in his mouth]
Butch: Anyway, Lou here taking Buddy's spot in the hot seat, but being fresh from the academy, he's current on the newest techniques, ain't you Lou?
Lou: Err, Hey guys, do you know this one? Here I go, here I go, I got ya, oh I just missed ya.
[Lou chases his tail]
Butch: Holy Chihuahua.
The Mastiff: Gentlemen, a few moments ago I've received word of the gravest nature, A key agent working the Brody case has been catnapped. Although he is safe, we must replace him as soon as possible. It appears that once again, we find ourselves threatened, by the great cat menace. We suspect that a rogue feline is involved in a conspiracy, to destroy all we dogs have worked so hard to achieve. Therefore, in accordance with action Plan Delta, we have assembled an elite team of agents, trained to replace our catnapped comrade. at this moment, replacements are being flown in from London, One will take his place as the Brody's pet, and guard their home from cat invasion. I need not remind you that the future of man and dog alike, depends on the success of this mission. Failure, is not a option. The stakes are high gentlemen, We have everything to lose. One hundred million dogs, Have placed their destiny, squarely in our paws.
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: [Ivy is ticking Lou's belly] Stop with the agent stuff okay? You got your very own kid to play with. Don't take it for granted.
[she stops and walks away Lou gets up]
Lou: Wow. Hey! Where you going? Could you do that again?
[Ivy stops and looks back]
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: Next time the boy talks to you, just tilt your head and perk up your ears. You'll see what I'm talking about. And do me a favor, tell Butch Ivy's back in town.
Butch: How could this happen?
The Mastiff: It was a accident, he slipped through.
Butch: You promised me a professional. And what do I get? A puppy! I mean, he's still got his you-know-whats for crying out loud!
The Mastiff: There's no time, Butch. The puppy stays. End of discussion, out.
Sophie the Maid: [Sophie is washing Mr Tinkles. She finishes and puts him on the bath room flour, then leaves] I forgot your bow! Your pretty bow!
Mr. Tinkles: [after she has closed the door] When I rule the earth, you will be the first on my list.
Calico: [Coming from behind the toilet] Hey, you should keep your hair like that. It's very slimming!
Mr. Tinkles: There's plenty of room on that list for you.
Calico: [coming out towards Mr Tinkles] No, I mean it.
Mr. Tinkles: What? We only have a few days to succeed. And although playing pet for that sick old man upstairs is key to my ingenious scheme, I can not take this humiliation any longer. Am I clear?
Mr. Tinkles: Never mind. The puppy won't survive the night. Send in the ninjas.
Calico: [the limousine is recklessly driving to the factory gate] Brakes! Gas! Brake!
[the limousine stops at the gate]
Cat: Are we going to get away with this?
Mr. Tinkles: [speaking like Mr Mason] Watch me.
[the passenger window where Mr Tinkles is rolls down. The guard stands back in shock seeing Mr mason is there]
Guard at Factory Gate: Uhh, Mr Mason. What a surprise sir.
Mr. Tinkles: [still talking like Mr Mason] Good morning, human guard. Let us in... that is all.
[the windows closes]
Guard at Factory Gate: Uhh uhh... of course sir.
Calico: Gas it up down there and step on it. Get off the brakes, people!
[the limousine speeds into the factory grounds]
Lou: [Lou has been taken outside my Scotty] Okay, here's the plan: Get off this patio. Get back to the barn. Get a better pitchfork. Huh?
[Lou sees a bone with balloons floating to the ground]
[He walks up to the bone once it lands and is about to touch it when he is interrupted by Butch]
Butch: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Lou: Huh? What?
Butch: I like your spirit kid. But do me a favor and step back.
Lou: Hey wait, that's my biscuit...
[Lou steps back and Butch kicks a stick to the bone causing it to explode]
Lou: ... bone!
Butch: Now, that would've been the shortest assignment in history.
Lou: Whoa... Hey where you're going?
Butch: I guess HQ don't train you guys like they used to.
Lou: Training? Hey, hey. Who exactly are you?
Butch: Name's Butch. What stupid name did the bipeds saddle you with? Spot? Fifi? Rover?
Butch: God forbid. Oh, Lou? Sorry.
Lou: Is that kid always so grumpy? Maybe they should switch his food.
Butch: Yeah, humans can get a little emotional. You'll get used to it, come on.
[Lou and Butch walk into a dog house. Butch presses a red button which makes devices come out of the walls]
Lou: Huh? Where's that coming from? Whoa... cool...
Butch: What? It's standard equipment. You got your EC-three vid-phone, research archive database, cipher charts, snausages.
Lou: [Lou sees a big red button] Hey, what's this?
Butch: Heel! That's the big button. You don't just *press* the big button! Jeez.
Butch: Just try to remember your training
Butch: Let's get started. Here's the skinny: Your new master's a scientist. He's been working for a few years now. He's been working on a cure for dog allergies. It's a big deal, because if no one in the world was allergic to dogs, we'd have the advantage. This was your predecessor: Agent: AIKA Buddy. He was catnapped about a mouth ago. Wasn't on top of his game, so he had to retire. He got a nice condo in Boca, huh! Lucky dog. Anyway you're here to replace him, and to keep the cats away from the formula. Can't let them near that... Now come on.