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Blackadder Back & Forth (1999) Poster

Quotes

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Blackadder: [punches Shakespeare] That is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years! Have you any idea how much suffering you're going to cause? Hours spent at school desks trying to find ONE joke in "A Midsummer's Night Dream", wearing stupid tights in school plays and saying things like, "What ho, my Lord," and, "Oh, look, here comes Othello talking total crap as usual."

[kicks Shakespeare]

Blackadder: And THAT is for Ken Branagh's endless, four-hour version of Hamlet.

William Shakespeare: Who's Ken Branagh?

Blackadder: I'll tell him you said that, and I think he'll be rather hurt...

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Blackadder: You really are as thick as clotted cream, that's been left out by some clot, and now the clots are so clotted, you couldn't unclot them with an electric de-clotter, aren't you, Baldrick?

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[the new Blackadder theme]

Chorus: Let joy fill every Briton's heart / For now the country's going to make it / At last, a King who looks the part / At last, a Queen who looks good naked / Blackadder, Blackadder, a monarch with panache / Blackadder, Blackadder, he's got a nice moustache / Everything he wants he'll get / The world is now Blackadder's oyster / Most Prime Ministers are wet / But Baldrick he is even moister / Blackadder, Blackadder, a dog who's got his bone / Blackadder, Blackadder, a bastard on the throne / Blackadder, Blackadder, his beard is neatly curled / Blackadder, Blackadder, he's going to rule the world!

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[to a Tyrannosaurus Rex]

Blackadder: Sod off.

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George: Well you certainly won the bet, Blackadder. Here's your 10,000 francs...

Blackadder: What do you mean, "francs?"

George: What do you mean "What do I mean, 'francs'?"

Darling: We've been using francs for over 200 years.

Melchett: Yes, ever since Wellington lost the battle of Waterloo.

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Blackadder: Just one question... What makes you so great?

Robin Hood: 'Cos I'm ME, man.

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Blackadder: Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan.

Baldrick: Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on and is now working for the U.N. at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?

Blackadder: Yes it is.

Baldrick: Hmm... that's cunning.

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Centurion Blackadder: We're facing a horde of ginger maniacs, with wild goats nesting in their huge orange beards, or, to put it another way, 'The Scots', and how does our inspiring leader Hadrian intend to keep out this vast army of lunatics? By building a three foot high wall. A terrifying obstacle. About as frightening as a little rabbit with the word "boo" painted on its nose.

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[seeing the time machine for the first time]

Melchett: Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita!

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Blackadder: And here is a front page of Macbeth, signed by William Shakespeare himself.

Lady ElizabethGeorgeDarling: Who?

Melchett: Oh, come on, you know this... he's the fellow who invented the ball-point pen.

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Blackadder: [after discovering that Baldrick's undies caused the extinction of the dinosaurs] That's another one of life's great mysteries solved: the dinosaurs were in fact wiped out... by your pants.

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Blackadder: [trying to be friendlier towards Shakespeare at their second encounter] I'm a very big fan Bill.

William Shakespeare: Thank you.

Blackadder: Keep up the good work. King Lear... very funny.

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[Blackadder, on pain of death, must produce a present for Elizabeth I. He opens his wallet and shows the queen some plastic cards]

Blackadder: Now these may not look much.

Queen Elizabeth: They don't.

Blackadder: [nervously] No, but... umm... umm... well, well let's say... let's say... let's say that there was a place where you could buy absolutely everything.

Melchett: [laughing] We already have those Blackadder and they're called markets.

Blackadder: Right, right. Well, imagine that but times ten. As it were a "super" market.

Blackadder: [holds up a blue Tesco Clubcard] Now if you gave someone at one of these "super" markets this... he would give you some "bonus points". Which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price.

Queen Elizabeth: Kill him.

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Queen Elizabeth: Go forth! And bring back more... minty things!

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Blackadder: Let's get home Baldrick.

Baldrick: But we don't know where home is. We're doomed to float through time for all time! Oh woe is me!

Blackadder: Shut up Baldrick. Shut up. There is one final thing to push that may be our salvation.

[pushes button]

Blackadder: Or not. Because it is in fact, a lollipop.

Baldrick: Raspberry flavoured my lord!

Blackadder: Oh god. I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a small wooden room with two toilets and the stupidest man in the world.

Baldrick: Wait my lord, do not despair. For I have a cunning plan.

Blackadder: Can I say I'm not optimistic Baldrick?

Baldrick: To be quite frank my lord, neither am I. My family have never been very good at plans.

Blackadder: So. With suitably low expectations, what is your plan to get us home?

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Consul Georgius: I say, this is interesting! There seems to be a large orange hedge moving towards us.

Centurion Blackadder: Uh, thats not a hedge Consul. That's the Scots.

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[upon discovering he's changed history for the worse]

Blackadder: We've got to save Britan!

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Blackadder: Why don't you all go downstairs? I'll be back very, very shortly.

George: Oh, come on Blackadder, you don't want to miss the big shindig at midnight!

Blackadder: Don't you worry, I'll be back...

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[arriving in the 1960s]

Blackadder: I might stay awhile, actually, for a bit of hippy free love. Not that free love would make much difference to you, would it, Balders? I mean, what would a sheep do with money?

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[first lines]

George: Well isn't this splendid and absolutely tufty? New years eve 1999. A new century and a new millennium. Let's drink a great big slurpy toast to peace and understanding around the globe.

Melchett: Bravo! After all, if history teaches us anything, its that in in the words of St. Burt, what the world needs now is love, sweet love.

Blackadder: Total codswallop. If history teaches us anything, it's that the story of man is one long round of death and torture. And burning people as witches just because they've got a wart.

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Duke de Darling: My lord emperor, I the Duke de Darling bring news. The English have reached Waterloo.

Napoleon: Good, prepare to attack.

Duke de Darling: But first, I would like to ask, why do we want to invade Britain in the first place? I mean the wine is made of the pipi of cows and their women all have big beards!

Napoleon: We invade, Darling, because the British think they are so tough! They think we French are sissies! They call us weeds and whoopsies and big girl's blouses!

Duke de Darling: With respect, my emperor, we are whoopsies. We invented the tapestry, the soufflé and the sweet liqueur. We will be slaughtered the minute we mince up the hill.

Napoleon: Do not despair! It is my firm belief that God hates the British. He will intervene miraculously. He will send us a glorious victory on this field of Waterloo!

Duke de Darling: Oh Bravo!

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Queen Elizabeth: Ah, Lord Blackadder.

Blackadder: [stunned] Elizabeth... the first?

Queen Elizabeth: You're wearing very weird clothes. And you're looking rather old and ugly, actually.

Blackadder: Is that right?

Queen Elizabeth: Of course I'm right, I'm always right!

Nursie: Of course it's right!

Queen Elizabeth: Melchie?

Melchie: M'am.

Queen Elizabeth: Edmund is being very cheeky. Shall I laugh at him or chop his ugly head off?

Melchie: Well one hates to be harsh, m'am, but I do think a bit of choppy choppy is the only apt reaction.

Queen Elizabeth: Very well then. Kill him!

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Baldrick: You know how when you're drowning, and your life flashes in front of your eyes? Well, what I was thinking is that you could dunk your head in a bucket of water and if you held it down till just before you died, you could see how the levers were and get us home.

Blackadder: Excellent plan, Baldrick, with perhaps one slight modification...

[Punches Baldrick and shoves his head in a bucket of water]

Baldrick: I'm 18, I've just left Nursery School. I'm 25, I'm back in Nursery School.

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Blackadder: Last one in gets hacked to death by Rod Stewart's great-great-grandfather.

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[Blackadder enters the time machine, and congratulates Baldrick on his work]

Baldrick: I followed Mr Da Vinci's instructions to the letter.

Blackadder: Even though you can't actually read.

Baldrick: No, but I have done a lot of Airfix models in my time.

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Blackadder: May I present to you, the greatest breakthrough in travel since Sir Rodney Tricycle thought to himself, "I'm bored of walking. I think I'll invent something with three wheels and a bell, and name it after myself": the time machine.

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George: [as Roman officer in deleted scene, speaking of the Scots] Great spirit of Jupiter! Our culture is centuries ahead of theirs. Why, we have toilets... and wipe our bottoms with vinegar-soaked sponges.

Blackadder: Yes... and they wipe their bottoms with Roman soldiers!

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George: [in a scene cut from the film] This is as exciting as discovering that, due to an administrative error, the new boy in the dorm is actually a girl with a big chest, a sense of adventure and no pants!

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Blackadder: Well Balders, this is a turn up for the books. It seems that you have built a working time machine and are therefore, rather surprisingly, the greatest genius the world has ever known.

Baldrick: Thank you very much, my lord.

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Baldrick: ...And the date should come up. But it doesn't because I was going to write the numbers on in felt-tip pen but never got around to it.

Blackadder: Right. So the date we're heading for is two watermelons and a bunch of cherries. In other words, we can't get home. Rather a spectacular return to form after the genius moment.

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Blackadder: [in a deleted scene] Well done, Baldrick! I'm so pleased with, I'm going to give you a wage rise.

Baldrick: Thank you very much, my lord.

Blackadder: ...Well, perhaps not all year, but maybe something like a Christmas bonus... Well, perhaps not actual money, but something else like a box of chocolates... A chocolate... After I've had a nibble of it myself...

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Blackadder: [Blackadder is drowning Baldrick] Hows it going?

Baldrick: [having flashback] I'm 18 years old! I've just left nursery school!

Blackadder: Okie Dokie.

[dunks his head back underwater]

Baldrick: I'm 25! I'm back at nursery school!

Blackadder: [groans]

Baldrick: Got it!

Blackadder: Very good.

Baldrick: I wish... I wish I'd flushed the loo first.

Blackadder: [peers into bowl] Oh yes.

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Robin Hood: Am I Robin Hood? Is Will Scarlet a poof in tights? Is Friar Tuck a fat tub of lard with a ridiculous haircut? Is Maid Marian a hot little honey with thighs like two halves of a nutcracker?

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Blackadder: Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan.

Baldrick: Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on and is now working for the U.N. at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning.

Blackadder: Yes it is.

Baldrick: Hmm... that's cunning.

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Blackadder: [Blackadder, on pain of death, must produce a present for Elizabeth I. He opens his wallet and shows the queen some plastic cards] Now these may not look much.

Queen Elizabeth: They don't.

Blackadder: [Nervously] No, but... umm... umm... well, well let's say... let's say... let's say that there was a place where you could buy absolutely everything.

Melchett: [laughing] We already have those Blackadder and they're called markets.

Blackadder: Right, right! Well, imagine that but times ten! As it were a "super" market.

Blackadder: [Holds up a blue Tesco Clubcard] Now if you gave someone at one of these "super" markets this... he would give you some "bonus points". Which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price.

Queen Elizabeth: Kill him!

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Blackadder: [Blackadder trying to be friendlier towards Shakespeare at their second encounter] I'm a very big fan Bill.

William Shakespeare: Thank you.

Blackadder: Keep up the good work. King Lear... very funny!

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Blackadder: What can you see, Balders?

Baldrick: People in very short skirts my lord.

Blackadder: Ah excellent, the 1960s! At last we're getting close. I might stay a while, actually, for a bit of hippy free love. Not that free love would make a lot difference to you, would it, Balders? I mean, what would a sheep do with money?

Baldrick: Not girls in skirts, my lord, men!

Blackadder: Ah, Spandau Ballet, 1983.

Baldrick: I think not my lord.

[looks out of the porthole to see Hadrian's Wall guarded by Roman soldiers]

Blackadder: Oh no, Romans! We're still centuries out!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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