- Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
- Derek Zoolander: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
- Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
- Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...
- Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
- Hansel: I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
- Derek Zoolander: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
- Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.
- Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".
- Derek Zoolander: But why male models?
- J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.
- [after he pokes a girl with a pin]
- Mugatu: Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!
- Matilda: Derek that was unbelievable!
- Derek Zoolander: I know! I turned left!
- Matilda: Yeah, that too, but Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!
- Derek Zoolander: Oh, right, cool.
- Mugatu: SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!
- [flings "M" shaped shuriken at the Prime Minister]
- Mugatu: Die, you wage-hiking scum!
- Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
- Matilda: Honestly?
- Hansel: Yes.
- Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
- Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
- Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
- Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
- J.P. Prewitt: Male models don't think for themselves.
- Derek Zoolander: That's not true!
- J.P. Prewitt: Yes it is, Derek.
- Derek Zoolander: [meekly] Okay.
- Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.
- Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
- Matilda: That was last Friday.
- Derek Zoolander: Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
- J.P. Prewitt: The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
- Derek Zoolander: Mugatu!
- J.P. Prewitt: [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
- Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
- J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!
- Hansel: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
- Derek Zoolander: And?
- Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
- Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
- Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!
- [high-pitched cough]
- Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!
- [a judge is needed for the "walk-off"]
- David Bowie: If nobody has any objections, I believe I might be of service.
- Derek Zoolander: Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us.
- Derek Zoolander: Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."
- Matilda: Do what for a career?
- Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good looking.
- Derek Zoolander: Or are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?
- Matilda: A what?
- Derek Zoolander: A eugoogoolizer... one who speaks at funerals.
- [Matilda looks at Derek confused]
- Derek Zoolander: Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?
- Mugatu: [hypnotizing Derek] Hi Derek! My name's Little Cletus and I'm here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They're silly and outdated. Why back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!
- Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair?
- Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?
- Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
- Meekus: Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
- Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay I knew that!
- Meekus: Uh earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke!
- Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
- Meekus: Earth to Brint...
- Derek Zoolander: Would you guys stop it already?
- VH1 Reporter: Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
- Derek Zoolander: Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.
- Derek Zoolander: So join now, 'cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?
- Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?
- Derek Zoolander: You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't.
- Maury Ballstein: What do we do when we fall off the horse?
- Derek Zoolander: [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently] ... fall off the horse...
- Maury Ballstein: [looking to supply finish] ... we... get back on!
- Derek Zoolander: Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.
- Derek Zoolander: How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?
- Maury Ballstein: Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
- Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...
- Matilda: Done it in a while, yeh.
- Hansel: Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?
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