Hansel: I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
Derek Zoolander: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
Derek Zoolander: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...
Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
Derek Zoolander: But why male models?
J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.
Derek Zoolander: I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.
Mugatu: It's that damn Hansel! He's so hot right now!
Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".
J.P. Prewitt: Male models don't think for themselves.
Derek Zoolander: That's not true!
J.P. Prewitt: Yes it is, Derek.
Derek Zoolander: [meekly] Okay.
[after he pokes a girl with a pin]
Mugatu: Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!
Derek Zoolander: Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
Mugatu: SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!
[flings "M" shaped shuriken at the Prime Minister]
Mugatu: Die, you wage-hiking scum!
Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.
Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Matilda: That was last Friday.
Derek Zoolander: Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
Hansel: This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked.
Hansel: Don't ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea.
Matilda: Derek that was unbelievable!
Derek Zoolander: I know! I turned left!
Matilda: Yeah, that too, but Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!
Derek Zoolander: Oh, right, cool.
Hansel: Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude!
Derek Zoolander: Or are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?
Matilda: A what?
Derek Zoolander: A eugoogoolizer... one who speaks at funerals.
[Matilda looks at Derek confused]
Derek Zoolander: Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?
Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Derek Zoolander: Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us.
J.P. Prewitt: The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
Derek Zoolander: Mugatu!
J.P. Prewitt: [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!
Maury Ballstein: Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
Hansel: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!
Derek Zoolander: Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."
Matilda: Do what for a career?
Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good looking.
Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair?
Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?
Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
Meekus: Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay I knew that!
Meekus: Uh earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke!
Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
Meekus: Earth to Brint...
Derek Zoolander: Would you guys stop it already?
Mugatu: [hypnotizing Derek] Hi Derek! My name's Little Cletus and I'm here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They're silly and outdated. Why back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!
Larry Zoolander: You're dead to me, son. You're even more dead to me than your dead mother.
[Talking about the files]
Hansel: They're *in* the computer?
[a judge is needed for the "walk-off"]
David Bowie: If nobody has any objections, I believe I might be of service.
VH1 Reporter: Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
Derek Zoolander: Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.
[after being in a coal mine for a day]
Derek Zoolander: [high-pitched cough] ... I think I'm getting the Black Lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there.
Larry Zoolander: For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.
Hansel: I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me." And it hurt.
Mugatu: Todd, are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?
Todd: My mistake, Jacobim!
Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...
Matilda: Done it in a while, yeh.
Hansel: Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?
Derek Zoolander: How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?
Derek Zoolander: So join now, 'cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?
Mugatu: Do as you are trained... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!
Hansel: Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.
Derek Zoolander: Fine.
Hansel: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Derek Zoolander: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Hansel: Well, you go first.
Maury Ballstein: What do we do when we fall off the horse?
Derek Zoolander: [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently] ... fall off the horse...
Maury Ballstein: [looking to supply finish] ... we... get back on!
Derek Zoolander: Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.
Derek Zoolander: Pretty soon, they'll be reading *our* eugoogaly!
J.P. Prewitt: I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We think differently than the face and body boys... we're a different breed.
Hansel: [while in an interview, dressed in angel's wings] I hear words like "beauty" and "handsomness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of.
Derek Zoolander: Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested.
Derek Zoolander: I can't sleep with you OK? My head is killing me...
Matilda: What are you talking about?
Derek Zoolander: OK, if you just want to fool around or...
Matilda: WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you!
Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?
Derek Zoolander: You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't.
Larry Zoolander: Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.
Billy Zane: Hey, Derek, back on top, man.
Derek Zoolander: Thanks, Billy. You rock.
Billy Zane: No, you rock. When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?
Derek Zoolander: Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.
Derek Zoolander: I just wanted to make you proud of me, pop.
Larry Zoolander: How? With your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hanging out for everyone to see?
Derek Zoolander: Who am I?
Derek's Reflection: I don't know.
Derek Zoolander: I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.
Hansel: The results are in, amigo! What's left to ponder?
[Derek stares at Hansel]
Hansel: Nice comeback!
Derek Zoolander: Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?
Matilda: What time is it?
Derek Zoolander: Almost five.
Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...
Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."
Hansel: Trippin' on acid changed our whole perspective on shit!
Derek Zoolander: [to Winona Ryder] Look, I gotta go pee, but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.
David Bowie: Now, this'll be a straight walk-off, old school rules. First model walks; second model duplicates, then elaborates. Okay, boys - let's go to work!
Derek Zoolander: What say we settle this on the runway... Han-Solo?
Hansel: Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-Lander?
Mugatu: As a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become Derelicte!
Maury Ballstein: For Christ's sake it's a casserole Sheila... it'll stay!
Maury Ballstein: I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.
Hansel: Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?
[after spitting out and spilling some bad coffee all over his assistant]
Mugatu: Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?
Derek Zoolander: Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.
Derek Zoolander: A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?
Derek Zoolander: Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.
Maury Ballstein: You want an opinion? With a push-up bra you could have a nice rack of lamb up there.
Derek Zoolander: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?
Mugatu: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.
Mugatu: You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything.
Matilda: [to Katinka] By the way, you were wrong about my outfit. It's the Cheryl Ladd collection and I got it at JC Penney's. On sale!
Mugatu: I'm so tired. No Todd, not now!
Todd: [handing Mugatu the phone] It's Maury.
Mugatu: [to Maury] Tell me something good.
Maury Ballstein: The designer's got your nuts in a vice! He's offering you three percent for every pair of underwear sold! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO!
Kids: Screw Him! Hold out for more!
Matilda: [to Derek] He had to pull his underwear out of his butt to beat you!
Matilda: [to Katinka] It's the Cheryl Ladd Collection from J. C. Penney. On sale!
[after throwing Matilda into the street from Mugatu's spa]
Katinka: I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit... stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander!
(Announcer): ...for the past four years, male modeling has had a shadow cast over it by one man and five syllables: Der-ek Zoo-land-er.
[Derek slowly counts the syllables off on his fingers]
Katinka: I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense, not one little bit.
Hansel: The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder?
[Derek glares at him]
Hansel: Nice Comeback! Ha ha.
Derek Zoolander: Seriously, do you like service yourself ten times a day?
(Announcer): And here in Malaysia, there is an almost overwhelming sense of euphoria as the newly-elected prime minister has given this nation a gift of hope promising to raise the substandard minimum wage and end child labor once and for all. Already considered a living saint he has become this small country's greatest hope for a thriving future in the new millennium.
Celebrity Interviewee: He's almost too good looking. And that would put me off in terms of a relationship.
Matilda: I became...
Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?
Matilda: It's where you throw up after every meal!
Derek Zoolander: [laughing] Matilda! Matilda! SO WHAT? I've thrown up after *lots* of meals!
Hansel: Yeah! It's a great way to lose pounds before a show!
Derek Zoolander: What? Are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?
Matilda: A what?
Derek Zoolander: A eugoogoolizer... you know one who speaks at funerals.
[Matilda looks at Derek confused]
Derek Zoolander: Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?
J.P. Prewitt: [as Zoolander runs off, standing on the glass dome covering J.P.'s hand] You freakin' idiot!
Maury Ballstein: It's a casserole Sheila... it'll keep!
Winona Ryder: I just thought the way that you handled losing that award to Hansel and then you started to lay low for awhile and then made your comeback, that was so courageous.
Derek Zoolander: Look, I got to go pee, but I would really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.
Winona Ryder: Yeah.