Family Fortunes (1980–2002)
Les Dennis: [when given a daft answer] If it's there, I'll give you the money myself.
Les Dennis: Name a way of toasting someone.
Contestant: [buzzing in] Over a fire?
Les Dennis: If that answer's there, I'll give you the money myself! Over a fire?
[revealed as the 5th most popular answer - grill]
Les Dennis: [in surprise] Oh, no!
[more audience laughter]
Les Dennis: [still in shock] I owe you £12! That's the first time it's ever happened!
[from Big Money]
Max Bygraves: Name something people take with them to the beach.
Bob Johnson: Turkey.
Max Bygraves: The first thing you buy in a supermarket.
Bob Johnson: [laughs] Uh, turkey.
Max Bygraves: A food often stuffed.
Bob Johnson: [laughs again] Turkey!
Les Dennis: Name something you stroke.
[contestant buzzes in]
Contestant: Erm, you stroke a match?
Les Dennis: "Stroke" a match?
[Les then pretends to "stroke" a match, much to everyone's delight]
Les Dennis: [to the "match"] Come on! Come on! You're my favourite match!
Les Dennis: Name something to do with the sea. Ron?
Contestant 1: Deckchairs!
Les Dennis: "What's that out at sea? Thar she blows, that deckchair!" Ron wants to see a deckchair!
Les Dennis: It isn't there, so over to Pat.
Contestant 2: [heavily accented] Coffin.
Contestant 2: Coffee?
Contestant 2: Coffin! Coffin!
Les Dennis: A coffin? Oh, I see, a burial at see, you mean?
Contestant 2: [confused] Huh? Yeah...
Les Dennis: Oh, you're thinking of the letter C! S-E-A, I meant!
Max Bygraves: Give a slang word for "money".
[Eva buzzes in]
Max Bygraves: Eva?
[Bygraves, Eva and everyone start laughing]
Max Bygraves: Pardon? Bitch? Why do you say "bitch" for "money"?
Contestant: But, "Mummy"...
Max Bygraves: No, not "Mummy". "Money!"
[audience laughs even harder]
[a contestant has suggested paint as a unit of liquid measurement]
Andy Collins: Don't worry, we'll get you back before Matron knows you're gone.
Max Bygraves: Name a subject for a comedian's jokes.
[the contestants hit their buzzers, but nothing happens until a few seconds later]
Max Bygraves: That's one of them.
Les Dennis: [after being given an answer that is even sillier than usual] If it's there, I'll give you the *car* myself!
Max Bygraves: Living or dead, name a famous Irishman.
[Bob buzzes in]
Max Bygraves: Yes?
Bob Johnson: Disraeli.
Max Bygraves: Disraeli? Is he Irish?
Bob Johnson: [Almost laughing] No.
Les Dennis: Name something made of wool.
Les Dennis: Name something associated with "The X-Files".
[No one answers]
Les Dennis: We could show you an episode right now while we're waiting.
Max Bygraves: Any part of the body beginning with the letter N.
[audience laughter. Bygraves buries his face in his hands while laughing hard]
[Following a commercial break after the Famous Irishman fiasco]
Max Bygraves: Thank you. And welcome back to the Irish Embassy.
Max Bygraves: We asked one hundred people what a man should know about a man before she marries him.
[Lin buzzes in]
Max Bygraves: Just got it, Lin. What would you say?
Contestant: His name.
Max Bygraves: His what?
Max Bygraves: [while laughing] Yeah, wonderful, yeah, his name, yeah. It'd be lovely in the back of a car. "With whom am I having the pleasure?"
Max Bygraves: Name something you do when visitors are expected.
[In very heavy Northern accent, making it sound like "Beak"]
Les Dennis: We asked a hundred people to name an article of clothing a woman might borrow from a man.
Contestant: Um, underpants.
Max Bygraves: Name something you like which is bad for you.
Contestant: [Uneasily] Sex?
Les Dennis: We asked a hundred people to name something people take from hotels as a souvenir.
[Contestant buzzes in]
Les Dennis: Ann?
Contestant: The lamps.
Les Dennis: The lamps?
Les Dennis: This is experience talking, is it, Ann?
Contestant: [laughing] Yeah.
Les Dennis: Name something people keep in the garden shed.
Contestant: Uh, the gardener.
Les Dennis: We asked a hundred people to name a polite word, or phrase, people use to curse.
[Contestant buzzes in]
Les Dennis: Rachel.
Les Dennis: [laughing] That's VERY polite, Rachel!
Les Dennis: Name a famous "Arthur".
Contestant: Uh, Shakespeare.
Les Dennis: I'll tell you what: if it's up there, I'll give you the CAR myself.
Les Dennis: Name something tourists buy as a souvenir.
Contestant: Drum gear.
Les Dennis: Name a fruit used in fruit salad.
Gorden Kaye: A type of decoration associated with Christmas.
Les Dennis: Um... the, uh, the little... crackers!
Les Dennis: You're supposed to be accident-prone, yeah?
Eddie Rose: Yes, I was on a roof one day, nine o'clock one morning, and I fell off, and slid down a garage roof and went through a downstairs window and cut me leg pretty bad. That was at nine o'clock in the morning. They took me to hospital, sewed me leg up, they put it in a casing, put me in the waiting room and by now it's about twelve o'clock. And they gave me a pair of crutches, they said "You can go home", I was on me way home, going out the hospital gates and the crutch slipped and I fell down and broke me finger.
[audience applauses and roars with laughter]
Les Dennis: [while laughing] There's more yet! Hang on! And then?
Eddie Rose: So, they took me to the surgery, put it in a splint, put me back in the waiting room, by now it's about half-past three. I said, "What time will you let me out?" They said, "You must go home in an ambulance this time". I waited until half-past four, the ambulance didn't come, so I sneaked out. And I'm halfway home, I saw a friend of mine up a ladder, he looked down at me, he was on the forecourt of a shop and he said, "What the hell have you been doing?" And I started to tell him, he said "I can't hear you, I'm coming down". So I held onto the bottom of the ladder, and he just slides some heavy equipment and I woke up in hospital with six stitches in me head.
[audience applauses and laughs even harder]
Contestant: [asked for a reason for kneeling] To be beheaded.
[On Bob Johnson]
Max Bygraves: [to the audience] I'll tell you what: you get idiots as well on this program.
Bob Monkhouse: Name one of the ingredients in chicken stuffing.
Contestant: [Buzzes in] Chicken.
Bob Monkhouse: Chicken? What, you stuff chicken with a chicken?
Bob Monkhouse: Top three answers on the board: Name something that uses microchips.
Contestant: [Buzzes in] Fish fryer.
Contestant: Ah... sorry!
Les Dennis: Top six answers, we asked a hundred people: Something that might frighten Dracula.
[Contestant buzzes in]
Les Dennis: Jake?
Contestant: Uh, Bob Monkhouse.
Les Dennis: Alright, what do you think. A bird with a long neck.
Contestant: Uh, blackbird.
Les Dennis: I'm gonna risk saying it: If it's up there, I'll give you the money myself. A blackbird!
Les Dennis: [Walks to the other family] Three lives have gone, so the Banyaras get a chance to steal. Lee?
Contestant 2: Naomi Campbell.
[Audience laughs even harder]
Bob Monkhouse: [to a contestant playing for the West family] Are you West?
Contestant: No, I'm Bent.
Bob Monkhouse: [the contestant's name is Rich Bent] He's Rich and he's Bent. And they say crime doesn't pay.