Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill (1999 Video)
Eddie: We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Just sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a bloody flag, this is our country you bastard!" "No flag, no country! You can't have one. That's the rules... that... I've just made up! And I'm backing it up with this gun... that was lent from the National Rifle Association."
Eddie: What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdinck! Yes, that'll work.
Eddie: Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. I think that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuck-head!
Eddie: Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that.
Eddie: The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.
Eddie: You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!
Eddie: Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?
[about the Anglican faith]
Eddie: Vicar, I have done many bad things." "Well, so have I." "Well, what should I do?" "Well, drink 5 Bloody Mary's... and you won't remember.
Eddie: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Eddie: I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.
Eddie: You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Burundi says do you want a cup of coffee, you're not supposed to go "
Eddie: I'm in here!"
Eddie: And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"
Eddie: There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
Eddie: Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe einen klienen problemo avec diese religioni. He was from everywhere."
Eddie: You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.
Eddie: Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."
Eddie: [about being a transvestite] Running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there. That's where it is. I used to keep all my makeup in a squirril hole. Squirril would keep nuts on one side and makeup on the other... sometimes I'd get up that tree and that squirril'd be *covered* in makeup.
[mimes squirril putting on makeup]
Eddie: "la... lala... la... Oh!
[mimes hiding makeup and starting to eat a nut]
Eddie: ... What? Fuck off!"... he seemed to say.
Eddie: If the movie made any kind of business in America, Hollywood would remake it and it wouldn't be anything like the original. It would be a Room with a View of HELL! Staircase of SATAN! Pond of DEATH! "What are ya doin' with the fuckin' matches! Always in here with the fuckin' matches!" "Hey, shut up! Hey, you fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?" "I *am* your wife." "Don't matter! Don't matter! You fuck my wife?" "Yes, I fucked your wife. I am your wife and I fucked her" "Ahhhh... Oh no! Space Monkeys are attacking!" That's a part that wasn't in the original.
[mimes shooting guns that don't work, then dialing a phone]
Eddie: "Jeanne, I love you, even though you fucked my wife." BWOOOOSH!
[mimes eating popcorn and other snacks really fast]
[narration over stock footage]
Eddie: San Francisco! City of gleaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here, they built buildings with things.
Eddie: If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.
Eddie: When you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy.
Eddie: We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
Eddie: Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.
Eddie: You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT! That's a pretty good dream.
Eddie: You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"
[Re: The European Union]
Eddie: It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!
Eddie: Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and
[gasps, starts, then pauses and looks around, wide-eyed]
Eddie: go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always... I long for a grapefruit." Yeah. So, that's very much like the army.
Eddie: Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing... they don't even eat... flies!
Eddie: Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"
Eddie: We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!
Eddie: [to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"] 12 monkeys mating, 11 donkeys dancing, 10 pygmies farming, 9 socks a-swimming, 5 gold rings...
Eddie: The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle. Cause you start strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit
[to the tune of the national anthem, where the words are "and the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air"]
Eddie: And fish in the sky, and a big monkey pie.
Eddie: In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea... Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up...
Eddie: You are the new Roman Empire, you realize that? There's no one else going... So you've got vomitariums and orgies to look forward to. Let the President lead the way!
Eddie: I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.
[after telling a joke in French]
Eddie: For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.
[about the building of Stonehenge]
Eddie: My God... We've pushed these stones for almost 200... 200 miles in this day and age... I don't even know where I live now.
Eddie: The Heimlich maneuver, developed by doctor Heimlich, who woke up one night obviously - a fist, a hand, hoocha, hoocha, hoocha... lobster. Yes,
[in German accent]
Eddie: Hilda, Hilda, wake up!
[in German accent]
Eddie: Ah, what is it doctor Heimlich?
[in German accent]
Eddie: Why are you calling me doctor Heimlich, I am your husband for fuckI~s sake. Loosen up, don't be so fucking Prussian.
[in German accent]
Eddie: Well, what is it Gunther?
[in German accent]
Eddie: I have invented a maneuver...
[in German accent]
Eddie: What are you, a bloody tank commander now?
Eddie: [about Stonehenge] And the Welsh were helping the druids carve the stones out of the very living mountain! "Fantastic! Building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea. It's a marvelous religion the druids have got, yes. A lot of white clothing, I like that." They'd smash out a huge stone and then they'd put tree trunks down to roll it along on..."Help you push 'em along, all right? It's not far, is it?" And the druids going, "Heave, everyone, heave, well done everyone. You're doing very well. You'll love it when you see it, I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special." After 200 miles, "You fucking bastard! You never told us 200 miles! Two hundred miles in this day and age? I don't even know where I live now!... I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!" And they set all the stones up and the druids are still tinkering around. "Ok, that stone and this one, can we swap them round?"
Eddie: We play bad guys in Hollywood movies. Take, for example, "The Empire Strikes Back" from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going, "Oh... I... oh..." "What is it Lieutenant Sebastian?" "It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here." "My God, man! Do they want tea?" "No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag." "Damn, that's dash cunning of them."
Eddie: [on the fog in San Francisco] It moves faster than the fucking taxis! Of which there are *five*!
Eddie: [talking about The Great Escape, and the geography/time errors of the film] If you don't know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, Beirut, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, and then Switzerland...
Eddie: Today's sermon is taken from a magazine that I found... that I found in a hedge. This season's lipstick colours will be in the frosted pink area - and nails to match... and this reminds me rather of our lord Jesus. Because, surely, when Jesus rode into town on a donkey... he must have gotten tarted up a bit.
Eddie: [Talking about Hitler] What a bastard. And he was a vegetarian and a painter, so he must have been going
Eddie: [mimics painting with frustration] "I can't get the fuckin' trees! Damn, I will kill everyone in the world!"
Eddie: I didn't tell anyone at school that I was a transvestite, because I was afraid they'd kill me with sticks.
Eddie: And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.
Eddie: Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.
Eddie: When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."
Eddie: I had to go see a chiropractor in New York. And they're different from osteopaths because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though. "Chiropractor. Chiropractor. Ninety-three letters, 'chiropractor.'"
Eddie: Because Darth Vader was only cool because he had that James Earl Jones voice. If he had a much more
Eddie: "Hello. Now look I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-tention, all right. Luke, the force is strong with you." "Is it?" "Yeah." "Well who told you that?" "I dunno, some bloke! Yeah, he said the force is really rather strong with you." "Well how strong?" "Um... as strong as a small pony." "Well, that's quite strong that is!"
Eddie: There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!
Eddie: So, Henry the VIII - who was Sean Connery for this film -
[impersonating Sean Connery]
Eddie: "Well, then I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the... the religion... the Psychotic Bastard Religion!" And an advisor said, "Why not call it Church of England, sir?" "Church of England, that's much better! Even though I am Scottish myself."
Eddie: I had to chat up girls, and I'd only tagged them before. I didn't have the verbal power to be able to say, "Susan, I saw you in the classroom today. As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, 'I fancy you.' " But no! At 13, you're just going, " 'Ello, Sue. I saw you in the room... I've got legs, have you? Oh yeah... Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf."
[mimes smacking her with the loaf and dashing off]
Eddie: "Bye! I love you!"