Holby City (1999– )
Zubin Khan: For the first time ever, the NHS has more managers than beds. Did you know that?
Helen Grant: Your point?
Zubin Khan: I've got a rather revolutionary idea. You can take it to your next Trust meeting if you like. Get the managers down on all-fours, throw blankets over them - and hey presto!
Ric Griffin: [to Helen Grant] People management. Not really your forté, is it?
Connie Beauchamp: Unless Tom Campbell-Gore is wearing my skirt and heels, I'm in charge here.
Mark Williams: The drinks are on me.
Chrissie Williams: Who do you think you are? The Milky Bar Kid?
Connie Beauchamp: Do you get altitude sickness?
Will Curtis: What?
Connie Beauchamp: From your moral high ground.
Rosie Sattar: I'm 40. There's something I'm missing. Oh, yeah, a baby. Pass me the yellow pages.
[Will and Mubbs are carrying out an operation that Connie has specifically ordered them not to carry out]
Will Curtis: We need to get through this as quickly as possible - every minute on the table is putting an extra strain on her heart.
Mubbs Hussein: It's not something I can rush. If I deliver too much fluid or too quickly it may cause the placenta to detach.
Will Curtis: It's Connie detaching my testicles that I'm concerned about.
Zubin Khan: Mrs Beauchamp, I have to admit that you have the leadership skills of an eight-year-old with a Kalashnikov.
[gossiping about Connie]
Lisa Fox: Her husband's just been made chairman of the board.
Donna Jackson: Husband? I thought they just plugged her into the mains at the end of each day.
[to Matt who has just terrified a patient by using lots of incomprehensible medical terms when she asked "What's wrong with me"]
Zubin Khan: Next time you go anywhere near a reference book, look up the term "layman".
[to Matt, after a patient has disappeared from her bed to give herself a fix of morphine]
Lola Griffin: Matthew... Ever played Hunt-the-Patient?
Lola Griffin: As my late lamented grandmother used to say...
Lola Griffin: As my grandma used to say, "If you look for a peck of trouble, don't gripe when you find a bushel."
Ric Griffin: [sarcastically] As ever, your grandma's wisdom astounds me.
Lola Griffin: As Grandma used to say, "All mouth and no trousers makes Jack a dull boy".
Ric Griffin: Is it possible your grandma was a little confused?
[reading patients' comment cards in the family-planning clinic]
Mickie Hendrie: [smirking] We've got some really good comments.
Donna Jackson: "I never knew you could get free condoms here. Now I won't have to re-use my old ones." How gross is that?
Connie Beauchamp: And if you ever speak to me like that again, I'll make sure the closest theatre you get to is a box office.
Dan Clifford: Oh, Percy, could I have a word?
Percy 'Abra' Durant: I'm very busy.
Dan Clifford: Uh, it's rather pressing.
Percy 'Abra' Durant: My tummy's very rumbly.
[Dan closes the door to Abra's office]
Percy 'Abra' Durant: So? What now? Are you going to take me roughly over the desk?
Dan Clifford: You do the stent trial, I give you Keller theatre at night.
Percy 'Abra' Durant: [feigns ignorance] I really have no idea what you're talking about.
Dan Clifford: [smirks] Ric tends to leave things lying around in the office... files.
Percy 'Abra' Durant: All this over a stent trial? Seems a little OTT.
Dan Clifford: [sighs] Connie's sulking. We got into a bit of a penis-measuring contest which, naturally, she lost, and so she won't play ball. So I need your help.
Percy 'Abra' Durant: So this won't make me especially popular with Connie?
Dan Clifford: Whereas an unauthorised operation in her theatre would? And does she like you especially, anyway?
Percy 'Abra' Durant: Not apart from sexually.
Dan Clifford: She'd be a lot rougher than I would.
Percy 'Abra' Durant: [laughs]
Dan Clifford: So? Is that "yes"?
Percy 'Abra' Durant: What's a hospital like ours without a little research and development?
Dan Clifford: Excellent.
Schizophrenic: I pity you, not having feelings.