Jimmy Gator: The book says, "We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."
Earl Partridge: I loved her so. And she knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I'd done. But the love... was stronger than anything you can think of. The goddamn regret. The goddamn regret! Oh, and I'll die. Now I'll die, and I'll tell you what... the biggest regret of my life... I let my love go. What did I do? I'm sixty-five years old. And I'm ashamed. A million years ago... the fucking regret and guilt, these things, don't ever let anyone ever say to you you shouldn't regret anything. Don't do that. Don't! You regret what you fucking want! Use that. Use that. Use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, OK? Oh, God. This is a long way to go with no punch. A little moral story, I say... Love. Love. Love. This fucking life... oh, it's so fucking hard. So long. Life ain't short, it's long. It's long, goddamn it. Goddamn. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil. Phil, help me. What did I do?
Gwenovier: Come on, Frank. What are you doing?
Frank T.J. Mackey: What am I doing? I'm quietly judging you.
Stanley Spector: [watching it rain frogs outside the library window] This happens. This is something that happens.
Jim Kurring: [to Claudia] I can't let this go. I can't let you go. Now, you... you listen to me now. You're a good person. You're a good and beautiful person and I won't let you walk out on me. And I won't let you say those things - those things about how stupid you are and this and that. I won't stand for that. You want to be with me... then you be with me. You see?
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I know I did a stupid thing. So stupid! Getting braces. I thought... I thought he would love me. Getting... braces! And for what? For something I don't even... I don't know where to put things, you know? I really do have love to give! I just don't know where to put it!
Frank T.J. Mackey: Don't go away, you fucking asshole, don't go away. Don't go away, you fucking asshole, don't go away! Don't go away you fucking asshole!
Young Pharmacy Kid: Strong, strong stuff here. What exactly you have wrong, you need all this stuff?
Linda Partridge: Motherfucker...
Young Pharmacy Kid: What are you talking about?
Linda Partridge: Who the fuck are you, who the fuck do you think you are? I come in here, you don't know me, you don't know who I am, what my life is, you have the balls, the indecency to ask me a question about my life?
Old Pharmacist: Please, lady, why don't you calm down - ?
Linda Partridge: Fuck you, too. Don't call me "lady". I come in here, I give these things to you, you check, you make your phone calls, look suspicious, ask questions. I'm sick. I have sickness all around me and you fucking ask me about my life? "What's wrong?" Have you seen death in your bed? In your house? Where's your fucking decency? And then I'm asked fucking questions. What's... wrong? You suck my dick. That's what's wrong. And you, you fucking call me "lady"? Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on both of you.
Jim Kurring: A lot of people think this is just a job that you go to. Take a lunch hour... job's over. Something like that. But it's a 24-hour deal. No two ways about it. And what most people don't see... is just how hard it is to do the right thing. People think if I make a judgment call... that's a judgment on them, but that is not what I do. And that's not what should be done. I have to take everything... and play it as it lays. Sometimes people need a little help. Sometimes people need to be forgiven. And sometimes they need to go to jail. And that is a very tricky thing on my part... making that call. I mean, the law is the law. And heck if I'm gonna break it. You can forgive someone. Well, that's the tough part. What can we forgive? Tough part of the job. Tough part of walking down the street.
Narrator: In the New York Herald, November 26, year 1911, there is an account of the hanging of three men. They died for the murder of Sir Edmund William Godfrey; Husband, Father, Pharmacist and all around gentle-man resident of: Greenberry Hill, London. He was murdered by three vagrants whose motive was simple robbery. They were identified as: Joseph Green, Stanley Berry, and Daniel Hill. Green, Berry, Hill. And I Would Like To Think This was Only A Matter Of Chance. As reported in the Reno Gazette, June of 1983 there is the story of a fire, the water that it took to contain the fire, and a scuba diver named Delmer Darion. Employee of the Peppermill Hotel and Casino, Reno, Nevada. Engaged as a blackjack dealer. Well liked and well regarded as a physical, recreational and sporting sort, Delmer's true passion was for the lake. As reported by the coroner, Delmer died of a heart attack somewhere between the lake and the tree. A most curious side note is the suicide the next day of Craig Hansen. Volunteer firefighter, estranged father of four and a poor tendency to drink. Mr. Hansen was the pilot of the plane that quite accidentally lifted Delmer Darion out of the water. Added to this, Mr. Hansen's tortured life met before with Delmer Darion just two nights previous. The weight of the guilt and the measure of coincidence so large, Craig Hansen took his life. And I Am Trying To Think This Was All Only A Matter Of Chance. The tale told at a 1961 awards dinner for the American Association Of Forensic Science by Dr. Donald Harper, president of the association, began with a simple suicide attempt. Seventeen-year-old Sydney Barringer. In the city of Los Angeles on March 23, 1958. The coroner ruled that the unsuccessful suicide had suddenly become a successful homicide. To explain: The suicide was confirmed by a note, left in the breast pocket of Sydney Barringer. At the same time young Sydney stood on the ledge of this nine-story building, an argument swelled three stories below. The neighbors heard, as they usually did, the arguing of the tenants and it was not uncommon for them to threaten each other with a shotgun, or one of the many handguns kept in the house. And when the shotgun accidentaly went off, Sydney just happend to pass. Added to this, the two tenants turned out to be: Faye and Arthur Barringer. Sydney's mother and Sydney's father. When confronted with the charge, which took some figuring out for the officers on the scene of the crime, Faye Barringer swore that she did not know that the gun was loaded. A young boy who lived in the building, sometimes a visitor and friend to Sydney Barringer, said that he had seen, six days prior, the loading of the shotgun. It seems that the arguing and the fighting and all of the violence was far too much for Sydney Barringer, and knowing his mother and father's tendency to fight, he decided to do something. Sydney Barringer jumps from the ninth floor rooftop. His parents argue three stories below. Her accidental shotgun blast hits Sydney in the stomach as he passes the arguing sixth-floor window. He is killed instantly but continues to fall, only to find, three stories below, a safety net installed three days prior for a set of window washers that would have broken his fall and saved his life if not for the hole in his stomach. So Faye Barringer was charged with the murder of her son, and Sydney Barringer noted as an accomplice in his own death. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of Those Things... " This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.
Dixon: When the sunshine don't work, the good Lord bring the rain in.
Frank T.J. Mackey: I will drop-kick those fuckin' dogs if they come near me.
Claudia Wilson Gator: Now that I've met you, would you object to never seeing me again?
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I'm sick and I'm in love.
Thurston Howell: You seem the sort of person who confuses the two.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: That's right. That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two and I don't care.
[singing along to Aimee Mann's "Wise Up"]
Claudia Wilson Gator: It's not / What you thought / When you first began it / You got / What you want / Now you can hardly stand it though / By now you know / It's not going to stop
Jim Kurring: It's not going to stop / It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up
Jimmy Gator: You're sure / There's a cure / And you have finally found it
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: You think / One drink / Will shrink you 'til you're underground / And living down / But it's not going to stop
Phil Parma: It's not going to stop
Earl Partridge: It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up
Linda Partridge: Prepare a list for what you need / Before you sign away the deed / 'Cause it's not going to stop
Frank T.J. Mackey: It's not going to stop / It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up / No, it's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up / No, it's not going to stop
Stanley Spector: So just... give up
Stanley Spector: This isn't funny. This isn't cute. See the way we're looked at? Because I'm not a toy. I'm not a doll. The way we're looked at because you think we're cute? Because, what? I'm made to feel like a freak if I answer questions? Or I'm smart? Or I have to go to the bathroom? What is that, Jimmy? What is that? I'm asking you that.
Jimmy Gator: I'm not sure, Stanley.
Frank T.J. Mackey: Respect the cock! And tame the cunt! Tame it! Take it on headfirst with the skills that I will teach you at work and say no! You will not control me! No! You will not take my soul! No! You will not win this game! Because it's a game, guys. You want to think it's not, huh? You want to think it's not? Go back to the schoolyard and you have that crush on big-titted Mary Jane. Respect the cock. You are embedding this thought. I am the one who's in charge. I am the one who says yes! No! Now! Here! Because it's universal, man. It is evolutional. It is anthropological. It is biological. It is animal. We... are... men!
Thurston Howell: It's dangerous to confuse children with angels.
Earl Partridge: I'll tell you the greatest regret of my life: I let my love go.
Frank T.J. Mackey: [Frank is speaking to followers at his seminar] Men are shit. What? Men... are... *shit*. What, isn't that what they say? Because we do bad things, don't we? We do horrible, heineous, *heinous*, terrible things. Things that no woman would ever do. No, women, they don't lie. No, women don't cheat. Women don't *manipulate* us. But you see what I'm getting at. You see what society does? Little boys, it's, "Wow, womaaaan!" We are taught to apologize. I am sorry. I am so sorry, baby. I am so sorry. What is it that we need? Is it their pussies? Their love? Mommy wouldn't let me play soccer... and Daddy, he hit me, so that's who I am, that's why I do what I do? Fucking bullshit. I will not apologize for who I am. I will not apologize for what I need. I will not apologize for what I *want*!
Narrator: And there is the account of the hanging of three men, and a scuba diver, and a suicide. There are stories of coincidence and chance, of intersections and strange things told, and which is which and who only knows? And we generally say, "Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn't believe it." Someone's so-and-so met someone else's so-and-so and so on. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time. And so it goes, and so it goes. And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."
Earl Partridge: Phil. Phil. Hey, come here. Come here. Uh... Phil. I'm... I'm gonna try... talk. I'm gonna try to say something-something. Do you know Lily, Phil? Do you know her? Lily?
Phil Parma: No, I don't.
Earl Partridge: Oh, she's my love, my life, love of it. Y'know. In school... I'm twelve years old, in school, in sixth grade. I saw her. I didn't go to that school, but... uh... we met. My friend knew her. I said, uh... "What's that girl? How's that Lily?" "Oh, she's bad. She sleeps with guys." Yeah, he said this, but then sometimes... I went to another school, you see. But then... when high school - at an end. What is that when it gets to the end?
Phil Parma: Graduation.
Earl Partridge: No, no, the grade. What grade are you in?
Phil Parma: That's 12th.
Earl Partridge: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I went to her school for that grade. Grade - that's grade twelve. And we meet. She was... fucking like a doll. A beautiful porcelain doll. And the hips, child-bearing hips, you know that? So, so beautiful. And I cheated on her... over and over and over again. Because I wanted to be a man. And I didn't want her to be a woman, you know? A smart, free person who was something! My fucking mind then. So stupid, that fucking mind! Stupid! Jesus Christ! What would I think, did I think for what I'd done? She was my wife for twenty-three years... and I went behind her over and over. Fucking asshole that I am. I'd go out and I'd fuck and I'd come home and get in her bed... and say... "I love you." This is Jack's mother. His mother, Lily. These two... that I had... and I lost. This is the regret that you make. This is the... regret that you make and the something you take and the blah, blah, blah, something, something. Gimme a cigarette. Mistakes like this... you don't make. Sometimes... you make some and OK. Not OK, sometimes, you make other ones. Know that you should do better. I loved Lily. I cheated on her. She was my wife for twenty-three years. And I have a son. And she has cancer. And I'm not there, and he's forced to take care of her. He's fourteen years old. To... to take care of his mother... and watch her die on him. A little kid, and I'm not there. And she does die.
Jim Kurring: Sometimes people need a little help. Sometimes people need to be forgiven. And sometimes they need to go to jail.
Phil Parma: [looks out window] Why are frogs falling from the sky?
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I used to be smart, but now I'm just stupid.
Thurston Howell: Brad, dear, who was it that said..."A man of genius has seldom been ruined but by himself"?
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: [quietly; to himself] ... Samuel Johnson...
Thurston Howell: It was the lovely Samuel Johnson! Who also spoke of a fellow "who was not only dull... but a cause of dullness in others."
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: "The cause of dullness in others."
Thurston Howell: Picky picky!
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Let me tell you this; Samuel Johnson never had his life shit on... and taken from him, and his money stolen! Who took his life and his money? His parents? His mommy, and daddy? Make him live this life like this... A man of genius who gets shit on as a child!... and that scars! That hurts! Have you ever been hit by lightning? It hurts. It doesn't happen to everyone. It's an electrical charge. It finds its way across the universe... and it lands in your body, and your head! And as for ruined, but by himself... not if his parents took his freaking life... and his money, and tell you to do this... and to do that, and if you don't...
Smiling Peanut Patron #1: Your parents took your money you won on that game show?
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Yes! They did.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: What does that mean, a spoke in the wheel?
Thurston Howell: Things go round and round, don't they?
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Yes, they do... They do. But I'll make my dreams come true.
Thurston Howell: Sounds sad as a weeping willow.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I used to be smart. But now I'm just stupid.
Thurston Howell: [raising his glass] Shall we drink to that?
Claudia Wilson Gator: I'm really nervous that you're gonna hate me soon. You're gonna find stuff out about me and you're gonna hate me.
Jim Kurring: No. Like what? What do you mean?
Claudia Wilson Gator: You have so much - so many good things. And you seem so together. You're a police officer and you seem so straight and put together - without any problems.
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today.
Claudia Wilson Gator: What?
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today when I left you and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know and it's on my mind. And it makes me look like a fool. And I feel like a fool. And you asked that we should say things - that we should say what we're thinking and not lie about things. Well, I can tell you that, this, that I lost my gun today - and I am not a good cop. And I'm looked down at. And I know that. And I'm scared that once you find that out you may not like me.
Claudia Wilson Gator: Jim. That, that was so...
Jim Kurring: I'm sorry.
Claudia Wilson Gator: - great. What you just said.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Want to know the common element for the entire group?... I'll tell you the answer: I'll tell you, 'cause I had that one. I had that question... Carbon. Carbon. In pencil lead, it's in the form of graphite and in coal, it's mixed up with other impurities and in the diamond it's in hard form.
[Jimmy Gator impression]
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: "Well... all we were asking was the common element, Donnie... but thank you for all that unnecessary knowledge... haha, kids! Heads so full of useless knowledge. Thank you. Thank you." And the book says: "We may be through with the past... but the past is not through with us!"
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: And... no, it is not dangerous to confuse children with angels!
Claudia Wilson Gator: You don't know how fucking stupid I am.
Jim Kurring: It's okay.
Claudia Wilson Gator: You don't know how *crazy* I am.
Jim Kurring: It's okay.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I got troubles, okay?
Jim Kurring: I'll take everything at face value. I'll be a good listener.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I started this didn't I, didn't I - fuck.
Jim Kurring: Whatever it is, just say it, you'll see.
Claudia Wilson Gator: ...You wanna kiss me, Jim?
Jim Kurring: Yes, I do.
Earl Partridge: Don't ever let anyone ever say to you, 'You shouldn't regret anything.' Don't do that, don't! You regret what you fucking want! And use that, use that, use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, okay?
[Officer Kurring has just handcuffed Marcie to a couch]
Marcie: This is bullshit. This is fuckin' bullshit.
Jim Kurring: I want you to stay right there, Marcie.
Marcie: This is bullshit motherfucker. Mother-goddamn-fucker it's bullshit and you know it!
[Officer Kurring moves down the hall to investigate a disturbance]
Marcie: Don't go down my hallway! Don't go down my motherfuckin' hallway! This is bullshit motherfucker! Don't go in my god damn bedroom!
Jim Kurring: This is the LAPD. If there's someone back here...
Marcie: What I tell you? What I tell you? Ain't nobody in there! Where the fuck you goin' motherfuck? Don't go in my motherfuckin' bedroom and stay outta my motherfuckin' closet!
[Officer Kurring enters her bedroom]
Jim Kurring: This is the LAPD. If there's someone in this closet, come out right now, or you will be shot.
[Marcie begins dragging the couch towards the bedroom]
Jim Kurring: Marcie! Do not drag that couch any further!
Marcie: There's nobody in my motherfucking closet, motherfucker! This don't make no sense! This don't make no goddamn sense! Why can't you goddamn talk to me? This is bullshit motherfucker!
[Officer Kurring opens the closet and finds a dead body]
Jim Kurring: Whoa! What the hell is this, Marcie?
Marcie: That ain't mine!
Jim Kurring: The law is the law, and heck if I'm gonna break it. But if you can forgive someone... Well, that's the tough part. What can we forgive?
Frank T.J. Mackey: In this big game that we play, life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve, it's what you take. I'm Frank T.J. Mackey, a master of the muffin and author of the Seduce and Destroy system now available to you on video and audio cassette. Seduce and Destroy will teach you the techniques to have any hardbody blonde just dripping to wet your dock. Bottom line? Language. The magical key to unlocking the female analytical mindset. Tap directly into her hopes, her wants, her fears, her desires, and her sweet little panties. Learn how to make that lady "friend" your sex-starved servant. I don't care how you look. I don't care what car you drive. I don't care what your last bank statement says. Seduce and Destroy produces an instant money-back guarantee trance-like state that will get you this - naughty sauce you want fast. Hey - how many more times do you need to hear the all-too-famous line of 'I just don't feel that way about you?'
Jim Kurring: Let me tell you something, this is not an easy job. I get a call on the radio, dispatch, it's bad news. And it stinks. But this is my job and I love it. Because I want to do well - in this life and in this world, I want to do well. And I want to help people. And I might get twenty bad calls a day. But one time I can help someone and make a save - correct a wrong or right a situation - then I'm a happy cop. And as we move through this life we should try and do good. Do good... And if we can do that, and not hurt anyone else, well... then...
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I'm sick... I'm sick here now. I confuse melancholy with depression sometimes. You see?
Thurston Howell: Why don't you run along now, friend? Your dessert is getting cold.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I'm sick.
Thurston Howell: Stay that way.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I'm sick, and I'm in love.
Thurston Howell: You seem the sort of person who confuses the two.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: That's right! That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two, and I don't care!
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I love you. I love you, and I'm sick. I'll talk to you - I'll talk to you tomorrow. I'm getting corrective oral surgery tomorrow... for my teeth. I love you, Brad. Brad the bartender. You want to love me back? I'll be good to you. I'll be goddamn good for you. I won't be mad if you don't know who said what. I won't punish you if you get the answer wrong. I can teach you, and tell you...
Thurston Howell: Brad, you have a special secret crush over there, I think. Don't treat him too lovely. He might get hurt...
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: - You, shut up! Mind your own business!
Thurston Howell: Gently, son!
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Brad, I know you don't love me now.
Thurston Howell: It's a dangerous thing to confuse children with angels.
Rose Gator: Say it, Jimmy.
Jimmy Gator: I think she thinks... that I may have... molested her. She thinks terrible things that somehow got into her head... that I may have done. She said that to me last time, when it was... ten years ago, she walked out the door. "You touched me wrong. I know that." Some crazy thought in her head.
Rose Gator: Did you ever touch her?
Jimmy Gator: I don't know.
Rose Gator: [covers her mouth in disgust] ... Jimmy!...
Jimmy Gator: I don't know. I really don't.
Rose Gator: But you can't say!
Jimmy Gator: I don't know what I've done.
Rose Gator: [angering] Yes, you do. You do! But you won't say!
Jimmy Gator: I don't know. What? Please? Please.
Rose Gator: You deserve to die alone for what you've done!
Jimmy Gator: I don't know what I've done!
Rose Gator: [beginning to cry] Yes, you do!
Jimmy Gator: Rose, if I said that I knew, would you stay?
Rose Gator: No!
Jimmy Gator: But I don't know what I've done.
Rose Gator: You should know better!
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Do you know who I am?
Thurston Howell: You're a friend of the family, I presume.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: What does that mean?
Thurston Howell: Nothing special. Just a spoke in the wheel.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: You talk in rhymes and riddles and r-Rub-a-Dub. But that doesn't mean anything to me. See, I used to be smart. I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith, from TV.
Thurston Howell: It might have been before my time.
Smiling Peanut Patron #1: I remember. In the Sixties, right?
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith.
Thurston Howell: Like you said.
Smiling Peanut Patron #1: Smart kid! You got struck by lightning once.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: So what?
Smiling Peanut Patron #1: I heard about that.
Smiling Peanut Patron #2: Did it hurt?
Thurston Howell: But you're all right now. So what's the what?
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: What?
Thurston Howell: That's right.
Jim Kurring: Oh, Lord, why is this happening to me? God, please help me figure this out. I'm lost out here! I don't understand why it's happening. God, please, God!
Jim Kurring: Whatever it is I did, I'm going to fix it. I'm going to do the right thing. Please, help me find the gun! I...
[points his flashlight at the camera as the sirens get louder]
Earl Partridge: This fucking life... it's so fucking hard, so long! Life ain't short, it's long, it's long, God damn it!
Phil Parma: [making an order over the phone] I'd like to get an order of peanut butter, umm, uh, cigarettes, Camel Light, uhh, water...
Pink Dot Girl: Bottled water?
Phil Parma: No. You know what, forget the water. Just give me a loaf of bread. White bread.
Pink Dot Girl: Okay.
Phil Parma: And, umm, do you have Playboy magazine?
Pink Dot Girl: Yeah.
Phil Parma: Okay, one of those, and uh, Penthouse? The magazine?
Pink Dot Girl: Yeah.
Phil Parma: You have that? Okay uh, one of those, and umm... Hustler?
Pink Dot Girl: Yeah.
Phil Parma: You have that?
Pink Dot Girl: Yeah, I said. That it?
Phil Parma: Yeah that's it.
Pink Dot Girl: Still want the peanut butter, bread, and cigarettes?
Phil Parma: Yeah. What?
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: You look like you have money in your pocket.
Thurston Howell: Maybe I'm just happy to see my friend Brad there.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Just throw some money around. Money, money, money.
Thurston Howell: This sounds threatening.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Do you have love in your heart?
Thurston Howell: I have love all over. I even have love for you, friend.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Is it real love? The kind of love that makes you feel... that intangible joy in the pit of your stomach... like a bucket of acid and nerves running around... making you hurt and happy and all over... You're head over heels?
Thurston Howell: You lost me with the last couple of cocktail words spoken my boy... but I believe it's that sort of love. Sounds nice to me.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: I have love.
Thurston Howell: A very chatty kind, indeed you do.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: No, I mean I'm telling you - I have love.
Thurston Howell: Yes, and I'm listening avidly, fella.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: My name is Donnie Smith, and I have lots of love to give.
Aimee Mann: It's not going to stop until you wise up.
Phil Parma: I know this sounds silly, like this is the scene in the movie where the guy's trying to get ahold of the long-lost son, you know, but this is that scene. And I think they have those scenes in movies because they're true, you know? Because they really happen. See, this is the scene in the movie where you help me out.
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?
Alan Kligman, Esq.: Linda, stop. Now you take a moment, you breathe, and one thing at a time.
Linda Partridge: Shut the fuck up.
Alan Kligman, Esq.: You know what would help you, Linda?
Linda Partridge: Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
Alan Kligman, Esq.: You need to sober up.
Linda Partridge: Now, you must *really* shut the fuck up now, please - shut the fuck up.
Alan Kligman, Esq.: Linda.
Linda Partridge: I have to go.
Alan Kligman, Esq.: Let me call you a car, Linda.
Linda Partridge: Shut the fuck up.
Frank T.J. Mackey: I'll tell you what I want you to do, Janet! I want you to do your fucking job!
Avi Solomon: Donnie, you got struck by lightning last summer you were on vacation in Tahoe, I don't think braces is a good idea.
Earl Partridge: I loved her so. She knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I'd done. But the love... was stronger than anything you can think of. God damn regret!
[Claudia kisses Jim]
Claudia Wilson Gator: I wanted to do that.
Jim Kurring: Well...
Claudia Wilson Gator: That felt good to do - to do what I wanted to do.
Burt Ramsey: We met upon the level, and we're parting on the square.
Frank T.J. Mackey: In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!
Frank T.J. Mackey: Do you think they're your friends? They're not your friends. Do you really think she'll be there when things go bad? Huh? When things go wrong? You think again. Fucking Denise. Denise the piece. Oh, you're gonna give me that cherry pie sweet mama baby.
Jimmy Gator: "Now I'm going to have our three whistlers... uh... please to present the next... um, the... um... musical... there were three... musical sections here, and this'll be the third... the third section... um... and they'll play a piece... it's very recognizable, it's... Chopin, actually... it's taken... it's, it's in the style of "March Militaire", which is a very... recognizable piece, so... if you please, just... listen to this, and I'm sure you can identify the... um, I'm sort of giving away the answer here, but that's... it's... Chopin... I don't mean to give away the answer... it's... please, just... you know... sing us a ditty, guys... a Chopin ditty."
Jim Kurring: Now, some neighbors claimed they heard screaming and a loud crash.
Marcie: I don't even know no loud crash.
Aimee Mann: Save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect that they'll never love anyone.
Phil Parma: When was the last time you talked to your son?
Earl Partridge: ...I don't know. Ten, maybe... five... *moans*... that's another thing that goes...
Phil Parma: Your memory?
Earl Partridge: Time lines, you know? I remember things, but not... right there, you know?
Phil Parma: Yeah.
Earl Partridge: 'Yeah.' The fuck do you know?
Phil Parma: I've seen it before.
Earl Partridge: Yeah, other assholes like me.
Phil Parma: Oh, there's no asshole like you.
Earl Partridge: Cocksucker.
Phil Parma: How come every other word you use is either 'cocksucker', 'shitballs' or 'fuck'?
Earl Partridge: Do me a personal favor.
Phil Parma: Go fuck myself?
Earl Partridge: Yeah, you got it.
Jim Kurring: ...whatever you wanna tell me, whatever you think might scare me, won't... and I will listen... I will be a good listener to you if that's what you want... and you know, you know... I won't judge you... I can do that sometimes, I know, but I won't... I can... listen to you and you shouldn't be scared of scaring me off or anything that you might think I'll think or on and on and just say it and I'll listen to you...
Jim Kurring: Now calm yourself down.
Marcie: [shouts] I am calm!
Jim Kurring: No you are not calm. You're screaming at me. Do you understand? I got a call for disturbance, and I'm going to checking it out. That is what I'm going to do. Are you alone in here?
Marcie: I ain't got to answer none of your questions.
Jim Kurring: No, you don't, but I'm going to ask you one more time. Are you alone in here?
Marcie: What does it look like?
Jim Kurring: There's no one else in here?
Marcie: You in here.
Jim Kurring: That's true, but is there anyone else besides me and you in this house?
Marcie: No, I said that already.
Jim Kurring: Are you lying to me?
Marcie: I live by myself.
Jim Kurring: That might be true, but the question I'm asking you, ma'am: is there anyone else in this house right now?
Earl Partridge: What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil, help me, what did I do?
Gwenovier: So where are you from originally?
Frank T.J. Mackey: Around here.
Gwenovier: The Valley?
Frank T.J. Mackey: Hollywood, mainly.
Gwenovier: What did your parents do?
Frank T.J. Mackey: My father was in television. My mother... This is going to sound silly to you.
Gwenovier: Try me.
Frank T.J. Mackey: She was a librarian.
Gwenovier: Why does that sound silly?
Frank T.J. Mackey: I don't know. I guess it doesn't.
Gwenovier: Does your mother still work?
Frank T.J. Mackey: No, she's retired.
Gwenovier: Are you close?
Frank T.J. Mackey: She's my mother.
Gwenovier: Yes, but... she's a woman, too. How does she feel about "Seduce and Destroy"? What does she say?
Frank T.J. Mackey: Well, she says, "You go get 'em, honey."
Solomon Solomon: Don't do this, Donnie!
Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Have you ever been struck by lightning? It hurts.
Claudia Wilson Gator: You're so stupid.
[snorts a line of coke]