- Marcus Burnett: [while Reggie stands at the front door of the house] You a virgin?
- Reggie: Yes.
- Marcus Burnett: Good. Keep it that way. Ain't gonna be no fucking tonight.
- Mike Lowery: [reading the phrase from their high school year book] We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.
- Mike Lowery: [while standing next to each other in front of Captain Howard's door at night, pointing a flashlight at Marcus' eyes] What are you on? Look at your pupils.
- Marcus Burnett: Look at my pupils? How the hell am I gonna look at my pupils?
- [tries to cross his eyes]
- Mike Lowery: [pretending to be drunk] Nigga, who is it at the door?
- Marcus Burnett: [while Reggie stands at the front door of the house] It's Reggie!
- Mike Lowery: Who the fuck is Reggie?
- Marcus Burnett: Came to take Megan out.
- Mike Lowery: [to Reggie] What you want, nigga?
- Reggie: I'm here... to take his daughter out.
- Mike Lowery: Motherfucker, I heard the boy say your name Reggie? You wanna be takin' Megan out?
- Reggie: Yes, sire?
- Mike Lowery: How old is you?
- Reggie: Fifteen.
- Mike Lowery: Shit, nigga. You at least thirty.
- Marcus Burnett: [on seeing a rat for the first time, in the attic] Oh, shit. These ain't normal rats.
- Mike Lowery: What my partner means is that these are a special breed called, umm...
- Marcus Burnett: Big motherfuckers.
- Marcus Burnett: [while Reggie stands at the front door of the house] Have my daughter back by 10:01. If she's not back by 10:01 I'm in the car, locked, loaded and hunting your motherfucking ass down.
- Mike Lowery: And I'ma be with him.
- [pulls gun]
- Mike Lowery: You know what it gonna be if I'm there, gonna be Chitty Chitty Bang Bang nigga.
- [to his sister, a Miami DEA agent]
- Marcus Burnett: That was reckless, that was stupid, and that was dangerous.
- [pauses]
- Marcus Burnett: I'm telling Mommy.
- Heavy Black Woman: [Screaming at store manager] You got porno and homo shows up in here in front of my babies? What kind of freak-ass store is this?
- Heavy Black Woman: [to Mike and Marcus as they walk by] Hmm, and you two muthafuckas need Jesus.
- Marcus Burnett: [while being videotaped by a connection to all the televisions in the store, all the customers in the electronic store can see them] My ass stills hurts from what you did to it the other night.
- Mike Lowery: Hey, it got rough. We got caught up in the moment, shit got crazy. You know how I get.
- Marcus Burnett: When you popped me from behind I think you damaged some nerves.
- Mike Lowery: [while walking slowly among the landmines in sand at the entrance to Guantanamo Bay] Now *that's* how you supposed to shoot! From now on, that's how you shoot! Oh man, I want my next partner to shoot like that. WOOOOO... it takes a dysfunctional motherfucker to bust somebody in the head like that. That's some dysfunctional shit! My next partner's gonna invite me to his barbeques and shit, though.
- Capt. Howard: I've got a Police Commissioner so far up my ass, if he spits it's coming out of my mouth.
- Floyd Poteet: [during a KKK rally] We've got our rights.
- Mike Lowery: Why don't you exercise your right to shut the fuck up?
- Blond Dread: Who that? Who in MY HOUSE?
- Mike Lowery: I'm the Devil! Who's asking?
- Blond Dread: The Devil... is not welcome... HEEEEEERRE!
- Marcus Burnett: [over the radio] Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her!
- Mike Lowery: Now how is that information gonna help me do my job?
- Marcus Burnett: They fuck just like us!
- Marcus Burnett: [slams the front doors open] Who the FUCK are you?
- Reggie: I'm Reggie, Mr. Burnett
- Marcus Burnett: How old are you?
- Reggie: I'm fifteen, Mr. Burnett
- Marcus Burnett: Motherfucker, you look thirty.
- Klan Leader: WHITE POWER!
- Klansman: WHITE POWER!
- [Two of the guys in hoods whip them off, revealing Mike and Marcus, pointing guns at the Klan]
- Mike Lowery: Blue power, motherfuckers! Miami PD!
- Marcus Burnett: Aw, damn! It's the niggras!
- Capt. Howard: [after the morgue car chase] I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up - "Good morning, Marcus." "Good morning, Mike." "How you doin'?" "Ai'ight." "So, how are we going to fuck up the captain's life today?" "Gee, I don't know, I don't know... Ooh, look! Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street?"
- Mike Lowery: They were dead before we ran over them.
- Capt. Howard: It doesn't matter if they were dead or not, goddamn it! Every time you leave a corpse on the street, I have to get these detective guys to come in and see what happened. See? They're detecting shit. Then I've gotta get these forensic coroner guys to stick 'em back in the fucking bag! Jesus Christ!
- Mike Lowery: [to Marcus, during car chase against Tapia's men] You know, Dan Marino should definitely buy this car. Well, not this one, 'cause I'm gonna fuck this one up. But he should definitely get one like it.
- [staring into the captain's fishbowl after ingesting X]
- Marcus Burnett: This is a nice fish. Big fuckin' eyes, but a nice fuckin' fish.
- Mike Lowery: [while being videotaped by a connection to all the televisions in the store, all the customers in the electronic store can see them] Okay, look, we're a partnership, but we're a partnership with boundaries. We got a new rule. From now on, you can't say the word "flaccid" to me. This is our little "boundary box." We're gonna take the word "flaccid" and put it in there with my mom's titties, and your erection problem, and we gonna close this box and we gonna throw this bitch in the ocean. And the only way that you can get to this box is you gotta be motherfuckin' Jacques Cousteau.
- Mike Lowery: [whispering to Syd with Marcus nearby] Change the station. More music, less Marcus. If you open the door, he'll be a black Dr. Phil for the next 40 minutes.
- Mike Lowery: [a car flies over, nearly colliding with Mike's Ferrari] WHOOOOO, THAT one puckered up my butt-hole!
- Mike Lowery: Look, Captain, these were not normal corpses.
- Capt. Howard: If I threw you out of moving truck and then ran over your head, you wouldn't be normal either!
- Mike Lowery: [in the backyard with Marcus' family] It ain't exactly a pool, man. It's like a big-ass puddle wrapped in blue plastic.
- [Mike's way of saying I'm sorry, standing at the front door]
- Mike Lowery: It's a donut. It's a medical thing. I got it from a maternity store. You know, a lot of pregnant women use it. They can put one cheek here and take the pressure off the other. For you, dawg.
- Marcus Burnett: Thoughtful.
- Capt. Howard: [reading the damage report from the car chase against the Haitians with Mike and Marcus present] 22 cars and a boat, totalled? How did hell you sink a boat?
- Mike Lowery: [in a stand off, while inside the Haitian house] A bullet in the head will really mess up your extensions!
- [while driving across Tapia's estate in a stolen Humvee, being shot at by the Cuban Army]
- Mike Lowery: Man, Plan B does not have that big-ass gun in it!
- Marcus Burnett: You call this Plan B? What does Plan B stand for? Bullshit!
- Mike Lowery: Look, do you want to drive?
- Marcus Burnett: Yeah, pull over by those motherfuckers with the MACHINE GUN!
- Marcus Burnett: Mike, the man has a gun to my head!
- Mike Lowery: [pointing his gun at Casper] I bet he'll put it down if I put a hollow point in his eye, now won't he?
- Casper: Your partner's a cocky nigger!
- Mike Lowery: Oh damn, now was that necessary, sir? Why can't he just be a cop? He got to be a nigga too?
- Marcus Burnett: [about Mike, after the shooting at the KKK rally] Motherfucker shot me in the ass, man.
- Mike Lowery: Who shot you in the ass?
- Marcus Burnett: Who? That "who" would be you.
- Mike Lowery: Me? I shot you? I mean, I was shooting. I did at lot of shooting. But I'm not saying I shot you in the ass... but I'm not saying I didn't shoot you...
- [looks]
- Mike Lowery: But damn! Somebody shot you in the ass!
- Marcus Burnett: Tell me about it.
- Mike Lowery: [while disrupting the KKK rally] You got three seconds to put your gun down, sir.
- Marcus Burnett: He has emotional anger issue problems!
- Mike Lowery: One...
- Marcus Burnett: He goes to bed early for this shit! Just to wake up to pop one in a motherfucker!
- Mike Lowery: Two...
- Marcus Burnett: Mike, no...!
- [a Klansman behind Mike grabs a shotgun]
- Marcus Burnett: GUN!
- [Mike spins and shoots the Klansmen, then shoots Casper between the eyes as Marcus ducks. Far away, the TNT team hears the gunfire]
- TNT Leader: Rock and roll, let's go!
- Klan Leader: Kill them cops!
- [gunfight begins]
- [after Marcus vomits in the morgue]
- Mike Lowery: Come here!
- Marcus Burnett: I'm... I'm back in the game.
- Mike Lowery: [searching a corpse's cavity] Think I got something... feels like a bag.
- [pulls it out]
- Mike Lowery: Shit, naw, it's his kidney.
- [Marcus runs back to the sink and retches again]
- Marcus Burnett: [during car chase against the Haitians] You see that?
- Mike Lowery: They throwin' cars! How'd I not see that?
- Marcus Burnett: Hey, Mike, I'm just trying to be helpful.
- Mike Lowery: Hey, you'd know what would be fuckin' helpful, Marcus? Just shut the fuck up and let me drive, let's try that!
- [to Syd]
- Megan Burnett: I bet you meet a lot of cute guys. Just like "Sex and the City".
- Marcus Burnett: Theresa, cancel the damn cable!
- Marcus Burnett: [while ingested with ecstasy, Marcus is wearing Captain Howard's robe walking downstairs talking on the phone, In Howard's home] I love it when you call me bunny lobe.
- Mike Lowery: SHIT!
- Marcus Burnett: Yeah girl, you should see this sexy shit I got on.
- Capt. Howard: Who the hell are you talking to?
- Marcus Burnett: Vargas and Rub... Reyes. They said they down for whatever.
- [after Mike and Marcus's latest massive gunfight/car chase,in Captain Howard's office]
- Capt. Howard: [trying to stay calm] So, you got the drugs.
- [they shake their heads]
- Capt. Howard: No drugs. Oh, okay. What about the money?
- [they shake theirs heads]
- Capt. Howard: No money. Well then, who's this x-man?
- Marcus Burnett: Captain, I was at a family barbecue...
- Mike Lowery: We don't know, but we are going to find out.
- Capt. Howard: [points to the TV news] Well then, all that... was for nothing?
- Mike Lowery: Oh, we didn't do *all* of that.
- Marcus Burnett: [referring to the loose swimming pool ladder] Get my screwdriver! Damn bolts.
- Theresa: Don't mind him. He's just upset because he was injured.
- Syd: Is he okay?
- Theresa: His wound is fine. It's, um... *other things* that were affected.
- Syd: Oh... oh!
- Marcus Burnett: [looks up at her] Theresa!
- Theresa: What?
- Marcus Burnett: [to Syd] It's just nerve damage.
- [to Theresa]
- Marcus Burnett: You not gonna spoil this... I'll talk to you about it.
- [while fleeing Tapia and the Cuban Army in a stolen Humvee, armed with almost-empty guns]
- Mike Lowery: Hey, Marcus, you know how when we usually get in these situations, you know I'm always trying to make you feel better, like we're gonna be all right, like we're gonna make it?
- Marcus Burnett: Yeah, yeah...
- Mike Lowery: [while driving] I could say it, but... it'd be a bunch of bullshit today.
- Mike Lowery: [while driving] All right, everybody start shooting at somebody! Shoot! Shoot!
- [everyone does, then]
- Marcus Burnett: Shit, I'm out!
- Mike Lowery: [checks his pistol] I got two rounds left.
- Marcus Burnett: [checks his pistol] One in the chamber.
- Syd: [checks her pistol] I'm out.
- Mike Lowery: All these guns in here, and don't none of y'all got no bullets?
- Tito Vargas: I got one, in my hip!
- Syd: Oh God, he's hit!
- [after Mike's flashback about his therapy]
- Marcus Burnett: Mike, you go to therapy to get your issues worked out, not bang your therapist.
- Mike Lowery: Now you just talking nasty.
- [to Mike]
- Marcus Burnett: You're like a pitbull with that pink thing hanging out.
- Mike Lowery: oh I get it, I'm not good enough for your sister
- Marcus Burnett: To the DEA you're nothing but a honeypot.
- Syd: What did you say?
- Marcus Burnett: It's no wonder you got the job because you look good in a bathing suit.
- [Mike walks into the room, wearing a new purple suit]
- Marcus Burnett: Are you a model or a cop?
- Mike Lowery: Hey, man, I like lookin' good, that's all.
- Marcus Burnett: For who?
- Mike Lowery: Hey man, don't hate the playa, hate the game.
- Marcus Burnett: [as Mike walks away] Hate the tailor.
- Mike Lowery: [while in Howard's office] We got a tip that the Zopehounders were gonna do a hit on cash or drugs from this big time X-man.
- Marcus Burnett: That's what they call an ecstasy dealer on the streets.
- Capt. Howard: Marcus, I know what they call them. That's why I'm Captain.
- [Marcus interrogates a dead gang member, in the Haitian house]
- Marcus Burnett: Hey look, man, can you tell me who was driving the black Suburban? Huh? Oh he don't know nothin'. His brains is under the end table.
- [turns around to see another dead gang member]
- Marcus Burnett: He can't tell us shit, Mike. He's all fucked up.
- Mike Lowery: What's your point?
- Marcus Burnett: My point is that dead suspects can't say shit.
- Mike Lowery: [after the shooting at the KKK rally] Hey, isn't it low tide?
- Marcus Burnett: Yes, I think it is.
- Mike Lowery: Don't you have some relatives that you need to go pick up?
- Detective Mateo Reyes: You went too far on that one.