American Pie (1999)
Quotes
Victoria 'Vicky': It's got to be completely perfect. I want the right time, the right moment, the right place.
Jessica: Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex.
Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.
Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?
Nadia: So uh, "shaved" is the expression?
MILF Guy #2: [while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom] Dude, that chick's a MILF!
MILF Guy #1: What the hell is that?
MILF Guy #2: M-I-L-F: Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
MILF Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah!
Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.
Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!
Kevin: We must make a stand, here and now. No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be. This is our day. This is our time. And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy. Yes. We will make a stand. We will succeed. We will get laid!
Jim: [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.
Finch: HOLY SHIT!
Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member: [together] Holy shit
Enthusiastic Guy: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!
Jim's Dad: [Jim's Dad just caught Jim masturbating into the pie his mom cooked] We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.
Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!
Jim's Dad: [On Condoms] Well, they're safer than a tube sock...
Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.
Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?
Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.
Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?
Steve Stifler: What? Whatever.
Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: Guys! Come on, you're ruining my moment here. I mean, this is our very manhood at stake.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [On being sensitive] You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.
Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
[hesitates]
Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud".
[pause]
Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.
Steve Stifler: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?
Chuck Sherman: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, Bitches.
Steve Stifler: Sherman!
Chuck Sherman: Hey!
Steve Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?
Jim: God... let this be it.
Steve Stifler: You actually said that?
[laughs hysterically]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!
Jim: You did better than me, Nova.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.
Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.
[shouts]
Steve Stifler: *suck me, beautiful!*
[walks off, laughing]
Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?
Steve Stifler: [vomiting] Fuck you!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me, beautiful.
College Girl: What did you just say?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me, beautiful!
[girl laughs]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova, as in Casanova.
College Girl: That's pathetic!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.
Chuck Sherman: I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady.
Garage Band Member: Go, trig boy! It's your birthday!
[Deleted scene. Michelle and Jim collapse after having sex]
Stifler's Brother: [Opens cupboard door] Awesome! That was better than Jurassic Park! Oh man...
Jim: Yes it was...
Finch: God bless the Internet.
Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen Shitbrick lately?
Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?
Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.
[shows a jar of laxatives]
Coach Marshall: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*!
Choir singer: [to himself] Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide.
Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start.
Jim's Dad: [to Jim] Now, do you know what a clitoris is?
Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a mermaid dude.
Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.
[Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino]
Kevin: Finch, get to the bathroom, now!
Finch: Easy tiger, what's in there?
Kevin: Just go.
Finch: And why is this?
Kevin: Listen, you're going to shit your pants.
Finch: [snorts] That's charming.
Finch: Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.
Finch: Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!
[Finch runs from the room]
Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!
Steve Stifler: She called me and asked for my number.
[last lines]
Jim's Dad: Sweetheart!
Finch: So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?
Stifler's Mom: Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?
Finch: Yes ma'am, I am.
Vicky: [discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her] Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know, even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?
Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy.
Vicky: Right.
[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]
Jim: Oh man...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shit dude, the 'L' word?
Jim: And what did you say?
Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Good, then you're still safe.
Jim: You think she was serious?
Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.
Jim: Yeah.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, no Sweat.
Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...
Jim: Hey.
[Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a cartoon, dude.
Jim: She's a hot cartoon.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, is there anything you don't jerk off to?
Jim: Of course there is. C-Span.
[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.
Jim: Cassanova!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.
Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.
Steve Stifler: Yeah right, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.
Kevin: Really, Stifler, he's the manager.
Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!
Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sake and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!
[Kevin and Vicky are sitting in class]
Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Hey, Kevin.
[mouthing]
Victoria 'Vicky': I want to have sex.
Kevin: [loudly] Now?
Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Prom.
Stifler's Brother: [after Jim prematurely ejaculates touching Nadia] What happened? What did he do?
Steve Stifler: He blew it.
[Deleted scene. Kevin talk on the phone with Tom, who is driving]
Tom Myers: You called to ask me how to get laid?
Kevin: Well, yeah, you know, it's not like I can really call my dad. I don't even have his number.
Tom Myers: It's listed A-S-S-H-O-L-E.
Kevin: Yeah, you said it... Anyway, I was calling to see if I could get some advice - brother-to-brother. I mean, I think that tonight, Vicky's... I mean, there's a definite chance that...
Tom Myers: All right, all right - listen, have you ever heard of The Bible?
Kevin: What? Not THE Bible?
Tom Myers: That's not really its name but that's what we call it.
Kevin: Does it tell me how to... to get laid?
Tom Myers: You know what? Nevermind, you're not ready.
Kevin: Wait, ready for what?
Tom Myers: Woah, you're breaking up there. I gotta go, good luck at the party.
[Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Jim: Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Fun Loving: Insane.
Kevin: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.
Jim: No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yes, yes.
[High-fives with Jim]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?
Finch: It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.
[Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]
Finch: Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.
[Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Finch: Is that legal? Can you do that?
Jim: I did it. Don't care.
Kevin: Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.
Jim: Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?
Kevin: [pauses] Yeah.
[repeated line]
Michelle: This one time, at band camp...
Jessica: What you need to do is learn how to press a girl's buttons. You have to give her what she's never had.
Kevin: What's that?
Jessica: Let me give you a hint. "Ohh, Kev!" "Uhh." "Yeah!" Comprende?
Kevin: You mean an orgasm.
Jessica: You got it, stud!
Kevin: Well, you know, I'm-l'm pretty sure that I've - given her a...
Jessica: No, you haven't.
Kevin: Well, there was one time...
Jessica: No!
Steve Stifler: Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not gonna do anything about that?
Jim: What am I going to do? Huh? Broadcast her over the internet?
Steve Stifler: Yeah!
Kevin: You can do that?
Jim: No, I cannot do that to her.
Steve Stifler: Jim, get some fucking balls! Man, if you don't have the guts to photograph a naked chick in your house how the hell are you gonna sleep with one?
Finch: I don't like the kid, but he's got a point, Jim.
Steve Stifler: See, even Shitbrick knows you should do it.
Steve Stifler: Now, all you gotta do is set up some sort of private link or whatever on the net and tell me the address.
Kevin: You can send me the address too. I'll save you a seat.
Michelle: So, you're pissed about something, huh? You know what I do when I'm angry? I just play some Bach on my flute. It's so relaxing. I learned to do that at band camp.
Jim: Hold on, uh. You have no idea why I'm angry?
Michelle: Is it because we have a test tomorrow? Sometimes I get cranky when I know I have a big test to study for.
Jim: Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Michelle: I thought so. Because this one time, at band camp...
Jim: What's your name?
Michelle: Michelle.
Jim: Oh. Okay. Michelle, um. Do you want to be my date for the prom?
Michelle: Really? You seriously want to go with me?
Jim: Yes. Seriously.
Michelle: Are we going to Steve Stifler's party afterwards? Because that would be so cool.
Jim: Sure. Whatever you want.
Michelle: Cool! We're going to have such a good time.
Jessica: You and Kevin haven't even done it yet.
Victoria 'Vicky': That's not why we're going out.
Jessica: Well, what do you expect him to drive to Cornell for? Milk and cookies?
Chuck Sherman: Confidence is high. Repeat: confidence is high. Sherman is moving to DEFCON 2. Full strategic arsenal - ready for deployment.
Jim: You have something going tonight, Sherman?
Chuck Sherman: You see that Central chick, Bernette?
Chuck Sherman: She's around. It seems she's taken a liking to me. Fellas, it's time she experienced: the Shermanator.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [parking at Lookout Point] What's your major?
College Girl: Post Modern Feminist Thought.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Oh, cool.
Steve Stifler: Relax, take it slow, and let the good times roll.
Victoria 'Vicky': Kevin likes it!
Jessica: He likes getting head. Gee, what a total shocker.
Jessica: What about you, Vicky? Have you just never had one with Kevin? Or, have you never had one - period?
Victoria 'Vicky': I've had one. I think.
Jessica: Okay. That's a no.
Kevin: Enough of this blow job bullshit. I gotta get laid already.
Chuck Sherman: Fellas, say good-bye to Chuck Sherman, the boy. I - am now a man. I highly recommend you join the club. We were doin' the wild thing - all night. I'm exhausted.
Kevin: I don't get it. I mean, how the hell did you do that ?
Chuck Sherman: It was just my time. It was just my time. Best of luck to you boys.
Matt Stifler: [after Jim prematurely ejaculates touching Nadia] What happened? What did he do?
Steve Stifler: He blew it.
[Deleted scene. The boys are at the prom]
Finch: All right, all right - I'm here for your dumb meeting.
Kevin: So, status check...
Chuck Sherman: Boys, boys, boys. I'm on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload - again.
