Runaway Bride (1999)
Maggie Carpenter: Benedict.
Ike Graham: Arnold.
Maggie Carpenter: I love Eggs Benedict. I hate all the other kinds of eggs. I hate big weddings, with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And if I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?
Ike Graham: [on the perfect proposal] Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.
[Maggie has just left her groom standing at the altar, and has jumped aboard a FedEx truck]
Ellie: Where is she going?
Fisher: I don't know, but she'll be there by 10:30 tomorrow.
Maggie Carpenter: Is there one 'right' person for everyone?
Ike Graham: No, but I think attraction is mistaken for rightness.
Maggie Carpenter: I wanted to tell you why I run - sometimes ride - away from things.
Ike Graham: Does it matter?
Maggie Carpenter: I think so.
[takes a deep breath]
Maggie Carpenter: When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn't have any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you - you knew the real me.
Ike Graham: Yes, I did.
Maggie Carpenter: I didn't. And you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that.
Coach Bob Kelly: [to Maggie, after she and Ike have just kissed] Okay, okay, okay, okay. So if you were imagining me, y-you did great.
[turns to Ike]
Coach Bob Kelly: What the hell were you doing?
Ike Graham: Uh, Bob, I'm really sorry. She... kissed me back.
Maggie Carpenter: I kissed you back.
Ike Graham: Yes, you did. You kissed me back.
Coach Bob Kelly: Yeah, caught that. You wanna tell me how long this has been goin' on?
Maggie Carpenter: About a minute.
Ike Graham: Little longer for me.
Maggie Carpenter: [smiles] Really?
Ike Graham: Yeah.
Coach Bob Kelly: What do you expect me to say to this?
[Ike and Maggie just gaze at each other]
Coach Bob Kelly: Hello?
Ike Graham: Well, Bob, you could say, um, Well, I hope you two will be really happy together.
[Bob punches Ike in the face]
Coach Bob Kelly: I hope you two will be really happy together.
Maggie Carpenter: [Ike has just seen Maggie in the mirror in his apartment] Hello Ike.
Ike Graham: Don't tell me, my *doorman* is one of your many admirers.
Maggie Carpenter: I'm making friends with your cat. Is it okay that I'm here?
Ike Graham: I don't have much choice in the matter, do I? But, I can't speak for Italics.
[points at Italics the cat]
Ike Graham: *Traitor*.
Ike Graham: Hey, don't knock drunks in bars! It means they're not out driving.
Ike Graham: [Mrs. Whittenmeyer refuses to sell a wedding gown to Maggie] You sell wedding dresses, right?
Mrs. Whittenmeyer: Yes, I've been selling wedding gowns for thirty-five years.
Ike Graham: Wonderful! Because we are here to buy one! But not just any one.
[points to a gown in the window]
Ike Graham: She wants "that" one!
Mrs. Whittenmeyer: It's a thousand dollars!
Ike Graham: Listen, Aunt Bea! Conversation has never worked for me, let's try "visual."
[jumps into the window and pulls the mannequin down, knocking its wig off]
Ike Graham: We're buying the dress! And anything else she wants!
[Ike's voice on his answering machine]
Ike Graham: Hi, leave a message after the beep. If you want to send me a fax, then buy me a fax machine.
Peggy: Well, there is one thing that brings warmth to my heart.
Peggy: Duckbill platypus.
Maggie Carpenter: No... that's only funny at Camp Birchwood in the tent at three in the morning and it's raining and my leg is the pole! That's the only time that's funny.
Peggy: Let's just give it a try.
Maggie Carpenter: Do you think I flirt with Cory?
Peggy: Good morning to you, too. You look good.
Maggie Carpenter: Thank you. Do you think I flirt with Cory?
Maggie Carpenter: I don't mean it.
Peggy: I know. I think sometimes you just sort of spaz-out with random excess flirtation energy and it just lands on anything male that moves.
Maggie Carpenter: On anything male that moves? As opposed to anything male that doesn't move?
Peggy: Like certain kinds of coral.
Maggie Carpenter: I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham. Will you marry me?
Ike Graham: I... I've gotta think about this a little bit.
Maggie Carpenter: Okay, good. I was hoping that you would say that.
Ike Graham: [laughs] You were not!
Maggie Carpenter: I was, I was... .
Ike Graham: Not true!
Maggie Carpenter: ...because if you said "yes" right away, then I wouldn't be able to do this next part, and I've been practicing, so let me just...
[pulls up a chair and sits down across from Ike]
Maggie Carpenter: Okay. Ready?
Ike Graham: I'm listening.
Maggie Carpenter: I guarantee that we'll have tough times. And I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us will want to get out. But I also guarantee... that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart... you're the only one for me.
Ike Graham: [moved] That's a pretty good speech, Maggie.
Maggie Carpenter: I borrowed it from this writer I know.
Maggie Carpenter: [while fighting with her veil] Who makes these things?
Peggy: Calm down. The veil is not attacking you.
Maggie Carpenter: I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.
Maggie Carpenter: Bless me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was... well. Anyway, I have sorta a technical question. I've been having bad thoughts, really bad thoughts.
Priest Brian: Of an impure nature?
Maggie Carpenter: No, No, I want to destroy this man's life, career everything. I want revenge. Now on a sins scale how bad is that? Can I Hail Mary my way out of that?
Peggy: Have you heard my husband's morning show? "Wake Up With Flem?"
Maggie Carpenter: [reading Ike's notes] "How does she get all those guys to propose? She's not even that beautiful." Bite me, paper boy!
Ike Graham: Maggie, what are you doing? You really want that guy up there to drag you up Annapurna for your honeymoon? You do not want to climb Annapurna!
Maggie Carpenter: Yes, I do!
Ike Graham: No, you don't. You want a man who'll lead you down the beach with his hands over your eyes, just so you can discover the feel of the sand under your feet. You want a guy that'll wake you up at dawn. He's just bursting to talk to you, can't wait another minute... just to find out what you'll say. Am I right?
Maggie Carpenter: Stop it. I am getting married on Sunday, and you are just trying to make me run. Because you're a cynical, exploitive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit! All you do is... is tear others down and laugh at them and criticize what they do because you're too afraid to do anything yourself. I read your columns. You never once wrote anything about yourself. I am not the only one that is lost, and you know it. Am I right?
Ike Graham: A toast to uh to Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bulls-eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices. And may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes.
Maggie Carpenter: You're a cynical, exploitive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.
Mrs. Pressmann: I'm thinking of changing back to my maiden name.
Walter Carpenter: Can you still remember it?
Maggie Carpenter: Gill, I am really afraid of needles, but that doesn't make me a bad person...
Dead Head Gill: Look...
[Gill shows her his rose tattoo on his chest]
Ike Graham: [in a surfer-dude voice] Look, look! I think this man is heart broken!
Cousin Cindy: Hi, I'm Cindy, Maggie's unmarried cousin.
Maggie Carpenter: [wistfully] Always a bride, never a bridesmaid!
Ike Graham: You're so lost, you don't even know what kind of eggs you like!
Maggie Carpenter: What?
Ike Graham: Yes! Yes! That's right, with the priest, you wanted scrambled. With the Dead Head, it was fried. With the other guy, the bug guy, it was poached. Now it's like, "Oh, egg whites only, thank you very much."
Maggie Carpenter: That is called changing your mind.
Ike Graham: No, that's called not having a mind of your own!