Will & Grace (1998–2020)
Debra Messing: Grace Adler
Photos
Quotes
-
[Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss]
Jack : [to Vince] We know what's goin' on.
Grace : Yeah, we know your filthy secret.
Dennis : Vince, I want your ass in aisle five.
[Grace gasps]
Dennis : And bring the mop.
[Jack gasps]
Jack : Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else?
-
Grace : What you're feeling are pangs of guilt.
Karen : What?
Grace : Guilt. Oh, boy. Ok. How am I gonna explain this one? Uh... guilt is an emotion that - Ok. Jumping ahead. An emotion is something that...
Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like "maternal" or "addiction."
-
Jack : I fooled around with Josh.
Grace : What?
Jack : Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it.
Will : There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui.
Grace : What does that mean?
Will : I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy.
-
Grace : Pam, did you fax over the drawings to the cabinaker yet?
Pam : Right after my smoke break.
Grace : I already told you, there is no smoking here.
Pam : It is part of my religion.
Karen : Smoking in the office... how inappropriate! Hey does anyone mind if I take my boob out for a second?
Grace : It's one thing at dinner Karen but work is where I draw the line.
-
Grace : [sobbing] I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. And all the people are pigs. And I'm the pretty one, but everyone thinks I'm ugly because they're all pigs and they think pigs are pretty.
-
Grace : [to Jack] Today I'm handing out lollipops and ass-whoopins and right now, I'm all out of lollipops.
-
Grace : [right after Will came out] That's not a compliment! A compliment is "You're sexy. You turn me on"! not Not "One look at you and I know I'm queer"!
-
Grace : [to Ellen after Will tells her he's gay] How could I not have known? He was Boy George for Halloween, he has a diffuser on his hairdryer, and he's prettier than me.
-
[Lyle walks in]
Lyle Finster : There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire.
[Karen rolls her eyes]
Lyle Finster : Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area.
Karen : Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here.
Grace : [to Lyle] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday.
Lyle Finster : Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Lyle Finster.
Grace : Finster? Oh my God. You're Lorraine's father. You tricked Karen into kissing you.
Karen : That's right. And it ain't never gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch.
Lyle Finster : I understand. But I only came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips.
Karen : What? Give it back!
[Karen jumps on Lyle and they start making out and growling]
Grace : If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums.
Karen : Oh, no, honey, stay. I was just taking back my -
[realizes]
Karen : Hey!
Lyle Finster : Karen, I'm lost without you. I've tried to fill the void with secretaries and whores, but at the end of the hour, it's you I wish I was paying.
Grace : Really, I'm uncomfortable.
Karen : It's never gonna happen between us, Lyle. So beat it.
Lyle Finster : Very well. But I'll never forget you. Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom that I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak...
Grace : Please, one of us has to go!
Karen : Get out.
Lyle Finster : Very well. But know this: Every vagina...
Grace : GET OUT!
-
[Ellen asked Grace to baby-sit her kids but is now upset because she assumed Will would be there as well and he is out of town and she no longer wants Grace to do it]
Ellen : You know what I just realized? Rob's sister can probably do it. She lives closer to us anyway.
Grace : Judy? The one who has to turn the lights on 14 times or the oceans will dry up?
Karen : Ellen, why would you leave your kids with someone who has such an important job?
-
[Karen is offended because Grace said that she, Karen, could not be trusted as a babysitter]
Grace : Look, Karen, I'm sorry, but taking care of children is a huge responsibility. It's more "Tickle Me, Elmo" and less... "Let's fill Elmo up with drugs and smuggle him across the border."
-
Grace : The only reason you were offered a job, is so that he can slither out of the lawsuit.
Will : Of course. That ruthless bastard offered me a 5-year contract, paid vacation, a huge signing bonus, all to make a dispute over slipcovers go away. How could I have been so blind.
Grace : Why do your people always go to sarcasm first?
-
[Elliot is on a soccer team]
Jack : [dragging Elliot into Will's apartment] Will someone talk to this kid? He's thinkin' about quitting the team.
Elliot : Yeah, because I'm awful. They even have a new nickname for me on the team. "Awful."
Jack : I give up. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip.
[he does]
Grace : [to Elliot] You know what, when I was your age, there were a lot of kids who said I couldn't kiss. But did I quit kissing? I did not. I stuck with it. I made out with every guy who would have me. And today...
[waves her hand around, showing off her wedding ring]
Jack : Not you, Whore-a Flynn Boyle!
-
Grace : Gay sex is *so* hot.
-
Grace : Will, my love for you is like this scar, (points at elbow) ugly, but permanent.
-
Grace : Will, I'm serious. I haven't made any of the major decisions. I mean, who will I give my things to? What will happen to my business? Where will I be buried?
Will : Well, your business will go under. Your things are my things, so I'll just take them back. And I always figured I'd have you stuffed, and keep you by the front door to prop up umbrellas.
Grace : I wanna do a will.
Will : Yeah, well, get in line behind all the other ladies!
-
Bobbi Adler : Now Grace, I don't want you to freak out, but the biggest day of your life is ruined.
Grace : What?
Bobbi Adler : Your father's back went out.
Grace : Well how is he going to walk me down the aisle?
Bobbi Adler : Oh don't worry, we'll just put a pastrami sandwich under the Chuppah and he'll find his way there.
-
Grace : Where's Daddy?
Bobbi Adler : Oh, he's in Conneticut. Grandma Rose threatened to die.
-
Grace : If you're looking for your Aunt Karen, she's not here. She doesn't work on days that end with... "day."
-
[watching slides in her bedroom, depressed]
Grace : This was my puppy, BoBo. He got run over by a truck. Lucky bastard.
-
Fannie : Chest! Chest! You're not givin' it to me!
Grace : I don't have it to give!
-
Grace : All I asked for was one month, one month to see where this is going.
Will : Oh let me tell you where this is going. You'll end up hating him in three weeks because, I don't know, he has a weird chest hair pattern, or he doesn't like watching E... Or he'll end up hating you because you're too needy. Then you'll fall apart, I'll pick you up, and then magically, you'll be ready to have a baby.
-
Grace : We're all here for you, right Karen?
Karen : Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait?
Jack : What?
Karen : You told your mother that Grace was your girlfriend, how could you?
Jack : But I didn't even know you when I made up that lie.
Karen : Oh yeah, but when you did, you should have broken up with her, and hooked up with me.
Jack : You're married, I'm gay.
Karen : Not in the lie.
-
Will : The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama
[Grace opens door to reveal Jack]
Jack : My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me!
Grace : Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor.
[Grace exits]
Jack : Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street!
Will : That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey?
Jack : [extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye!
[Long pause, neither moves]
Will : You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?
-
Gillian : [talking about Karen] She sends me to the coolest places, right? I mean, like yesterday. She sent me to Tiffany's and Barney's. She even sent me to the dog groomer to get the gray out of her poodle. Well... they couldn't because, well, it's a gray poodle.
Grace : I'm sorry. She shouldn't have you running errands.
Gillian : No, no. It was great. I mean, the moment I mentioned her name at Barney's, people just started kissing my ass. I got a glass of champagne, a personal shopper, and a Percocet. It was awesome.
Grace : Well, you should see what happens when you mention my name at The Rug Barn. You get a glass of cold mint tea and a rough kiss from a guy named Misha.
-
Grace : When we broke up it was for totally different reasons. I wanted to raise the kids Jewish, you wanted to sleep with men.
-
Grace : I don't need to have two gay guys laughing at me. I get enough of that at home
-
Alex : [on the phone] Come on Will, tell the truth, you're actually a married man with wife and kids with no intention to ever see me again.
Will : Nothing could be more far away from the truth.
Grace : [entering and yelling] Good Morning sweety. Oh my God, is that bacon? I love you, I love you, I love you.
-
[Grace is asking Will to help her choose a dress]
Grace : This one's slitty... this one's slutty... this one's titty... this one's butty.
-
Grace : No, he is not laughing at you. He is laughing with me, who is laughing at you.
-
[Grace introduces Karen to her intern]
Grace : Let me move you over here, in the unlikely event that she unhinges her jaw and swallows you whole.
-
Grace : [on the phone] Yes. This is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs. I was in there yesterday. I told you I would be back today. And now you're telling me you're all out? Do you know how much business I've given you over the years? How much money I've spent? You idiots never make enough chili.
[Slams down the phone]
-
Mrs. Markus : Don't worry, Grace, Marvin will fill you in on everything.
Grace : Who's Marvin?
Leo : I'm Marvin.
Grace : Your name is Marvin?
Leo : Yeah, but people have always called me 'Leo' because... my name is Marvin.
-
Grace : OK, this has been driving me crazy, and I can't keep it in any longer. There's something I really need to tell you. I have been dating your shrink.
Will : [in unison with Grace] Dating my shrink.
Grace : How did you know?
Will : Well, let's just say he's used my sessions to figure out a way to get into Graceland.
-
[Jack has his feet up on Grace's table]
Jack : I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a little bit too much. Always putting other people's needs before mine. Well, no more. Before it used to be World, Jack. Now it's Jack, World.
Grace : Hey, Jack-world, how about you move your Jack-feet before I kick your Jack-ass?
-
Grace : Oh my god. Jack got turned on by a woman? Well, he couldn't be straight, so, what, now he's a lesbian?
-
[Val has stolen Grace's music box, which plays "Hava Nagila", and claimed it is hers]
Will : How long have you had it?
Val : Oh, for, like, forever.
Will : Oh, what's it play?
Val : This old Irish song that I love.
Will : Sweet. Can I hear it?
Val : Sure.
[opens the music box, singing along]
Val : Gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, my Irish eyes...
Grace : [shrieking] It's 'Hava Nagila'! It's not an Irish song! It's an ancient Hebrew song about... something Jewish!
-
Dr. Leo Markus : Grace, I have to go to Guatamala to help out some doctors down there.
Grace : You're going back to Africa?
Dr. Leo Markus : Yes. And while I'm there I'm gonna buy you an atlas.
-
Grace : Who's Diane?
Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. You knew about that. You told her.
[Grace looks hurt]
Jack : You didn't know about that? You didn't tell her?
[Grace gets up and walks out]
Will : Wait, Grace. Jack, when we get home I am going to rip your heart out through your foot.
-
[to Karen]
Grace : Put the catalog down... you have everything in it.
-
[Will is telling Grace about his sexual encounter with a woman after he dumped Grace]
Will : Grace, I just wanted to see for sure. It was really bad.
Grace : Well, why couldn't it have been bad with me?
Will : Because I love you. I had to do it with someone I didn't love. And I love you. I couldn't do that to you.
-
Karen : How about a toast...
Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby.
Will : I can't believe you told her.
Grace : I can't believe you told him.
Will : He doesn't count, he never listens.
Grace : She doesn't count, she's always buzzed.
Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Hey, c'mon now... where are we?
Jack : ...I'm sorry, what?
-
[Grace sees Nathan passed out with Will and Jack on a bed]
Grace : Oh my God. I turned another one.
-
[Karen is feeling depressed]
Grace : I need you to do me a favor... I need you to hit on Karen.
[pause]
Ben Doucette : Please tell me you just said you need me to PUT a hit on Karen.
-
[Grace has just walked in and found Will, Jack, and Nathan entangled and asleep in bed together]
Grace Adler : Grace: Oh, my God, I've turned another one!
-
Karen Walker : I'm going to grab some lunch with some of the other gals from the typing pool.
[Grace stares at her in disbelief]
Karen Walker : Oh, it's Zoe's birthday! Fran made cupcakes!
[she giggles]
Karen Walker : [she leaves the room]
Grace : Cupcakes...! Frickin' nutbag! Craaazy!
-
[after ripping open Grace's trousers]
Fanny Lieber : Oh... you're Jewish.
Grace : [long pause] How... how can you tell that?
Fanny Lieber : Cheap underwear.
-
Grace : I just gave a quarter to a homeless guy, I think it was Johnny Depp.
-
Grace : [about Jack going back to Karen after sleeping with grace] What were his exact words again? My Harold and Maude phase is so over.
-
Will : Where's all the Chinese food?
Grace : Oh, I opened it up and started to eat it and then I noticed a hair in it. So I called the restaurant to complain and they were like "Well, how do you know its not your hair?" and I said "Well, I know what my hair tastes like." Anyway, I got so disgusted, I threw it all out.
Will : You ate all of it, didn't you?
Grace : Yes, I did.
-
Grace : Fine, if you want to spend our traditional Haunnukah dinner time with Jack, then that's fine. But all I'm sayin' is, betta' him than me!
[Storms away]
Bobbi Adler : [to resteraunt patrons] You'll have to forgive her. She's never really forgiven me for being the prettier sister.
-
Grace : It just creeps me out. Like anything that ends with "mini-teeth" or "mini-hair".
Will : Here we go...
Grace : On the Discovery Channel, there was this guy with a tumor that had mini-teeth and mini-hair, and when they poked it, it said "Ow"!
Will : It did not say "Ow".
Grace : Well, if it had mini-lips, it would have.
-
Grace : It's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over.
Jack : I see. Is this the first time you've had it?
Grace : That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then that hot smart guy from "Jeopardy!" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Then that hot Korean guy from "Lost" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Oh, yeah, in this dream I have three breasts.
-
[after dropping noodles on the ground]
Grace : Oh no, my noodles.
Owner : That's okay, we get you 'nother.
Grace : Oh, thank you, thank you.
Owner : That will be 7.95.
Grace : What? You don't pay for the second noodles. And everyone knows you're suppose to say, "hot plate, hot plate," when something's hot.
[Later, Grace finds Karen & Jack in Happy Noodle, after they swore not to go in]
Owner : And Karen, since you've been here all week, we give you one on the house.
[Flashes a glance at Grace]
Owner : Hot plate, hot plate
