Urban Legend (1998)
Paul Gardener: Hey, how about some interviews? You know, students react to the tragedy on campus.
Brenda: Okay. I am saddened, and moved by the tragic...
Natalie: This was someone's life Paul. Did you even spend one minute thinking about that?
Paul Gardener: No, I didn't. But because of my story, three-thousand five-hundred students will. I think that's enough to help me sleep at night.
Sasha: Spit it out, Felicia.
Felicia: That's just the problem, I mean, I didn't.
Sasha: [stroking a microphone] Ah, had yourself a little frat boy protein shake, did ya?
Parker: Please, Damon is the biggest practical joker I know. He once convinced a sophomore that he was the middle Hanson brother just so he could get laid.
Brenda: [stabbing Natalie with the scalpel] Is this the kidney? Or is that the Liver? Oh, well. First organ I see, I'm just gonna grab it!
[Brenda digs the scalpel in deeper, but Reese bursts through the door with her gun aimed at Brenda]
Reese Wilson: Drop the weapon!
Brenda: [turns around and sees Reese] Oh great! Rent-a-cop to the rescue.
Reese Wilson: Move over the the window, now, you loony psycho bitch!
Bitchy Girl: [watching 'Tosh's' dead body being carried out on a stretcher] You should check her pulse, she's been like that for years.
Parker: [into a phone] Hello? Hello?
Killer: [distorted voice] You're gonna die tonight.
Parker: [into the phone] Oh, really? Let's see... this call is coming from inside this house. Could it be... an urban legend? Am I right?
Parker: Hello? Hey, don't get shy on me all of a sudden fuck-face. This is the one about the babysitter, right? She's getting those scary and harassing phone calls and when she traces them back, they are coming from inside the house. But asswipe, aren't you forgetting something? I'm not babysitting any kids!
Killer: [voice] Wrong legend! This is the one about the old lady who dries her wet dog in the microwave oven.
[Parker suddenly turns back and looks towards the microwave oven that he doesn't remember being on]
Dean Adams: Missing? He's not missing! It's the weekend. He's most likley shacked up in some motel with a girl. Or a guy... farm animal... whatever! Weren't you ever eighteen?
Reese Wilson: Not that kind of eighteen.
Brenda: I must say, Natalie, you have proven your friendship to me. Coming all the way out here without even a little pepper spray to defend yourself with.
Brenda: Don't you want to be an urban legend, Nat? All your friends are now.
Michael McDonnell, gas station attendant: Someone's in the back... SEAT!
Bitchy Girl: [says to Natalie while Natalie is walking to her dorm] Sounds like Elvira's raising more than just the dead in there.
Natalie: Thanks for the warning.
Reese Wilson: [imitating Coffy on TV] This is the end of your rotten life you mother fucking dope pusher! It was easy for him because he really didn't think it was coming, but it ain't gonna be easy for you cuz you better believe it's coming!
Reese Wilson: Girl, what's the matter with you?
Natalie: They killed him! Somebody killed him!
Paul Gardener: Hey, what was all that about? Reckless endangerment? We're not exactly talking about running a stop sign, are we?
Natalie: I really don't want to talk about it.
Paul Gardener: Okay, then what do you want me to talk about? My career options without a body of writing samples? Because for your information, now that I'm off the paper thanks to you, my samples and resume are kind of limited.
Natalie: It was in high school, Paul! It's over!
Paul Gardener: Look, does this have something to do with Michelle Mancini?
Natalie: [angrily] I told you, I don't want to talk about it!
Paul Gardener: Hey! I just want to know what's going on here with you. Your theory... "mad killer on campus"... 'cause I don't know if I buy it anymore. I don't know if I ever bought it.
Sasha: [Crying] Please, I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die...
[Sasha whimpers and the killer swings the axe into her]
Sasha: Parker, why do you always have to be such a jerk?
Parker: I was just messing around.
Sasha: Look, I'm gonna go to the radio station, okay?
Parker: Hey. Who's my girl? Who's my girl?
Parker: [Sasha blows him a kiss before leaving the party] That's my girl!
Brenda: Now, if I remove the gag you've got to promise me that you won't scream. Lord knows I had enough of that with Sasha.
[Brenda smiles and waves, mirroring the killer's little wave after killing Sasha]
Weird Janitor: I ain't going to bite you.
Natalie: Ugh... uh, okay then, okay, c'mon, just...
[Natalie starts trying to open the door but the handle won't work]
Natalie: Please just, just let me out, please!
Weird Janitor: Well, it doesn't open from the inside... what's wrong with you?
[to Natalie, Brenda, Paul, and Sasha]
Parker: Don't you guys get it? Come on, it's just like that urban legend.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Parker: You know the story, A boy and a girl, parked out in the woods, making out...
Brenda: [to Natalie] You made out with him?
Damon: Hey, we're going down to Parker's dorm. Hootie's gonna pierce his nose.
Natalie: Hootie's a dog, Damon.
Damon: That's no reason why he can't be hip.
Natalie: Brenda, you need help.
Brenda: I have already tried therapy! Obviously, it did me no good, Natalie.
Parker: [to Paul] If we ever have another E. Coli crisis in the cafeteria, I want you to have the biggest, juiciest burger. My treat.
Natalie: Someone's taking all of these urban legends, and making them reality.
Natalie: You're fucking crazy!
Brenda: I prefer the term "eccentric". But, yeah, I guess I'm a little "nutty".
Damon: Are you sure you don't wanna think this over? Cos, I'm all about you, Natalie.
Natalie: One black eye or two Damon. You decide.
Damon: Fine. I'm gonna go take a piss.
Professor William Wexler: Had those before?
Brenda: Yeah. They're Pop Rocks; they crackle in your mouth.
Professor William Wexler: Eat some... thirsty?... What's wrong? Something you might have heard about mixing Pop Rocks and Soda?
Brenda: Well, supposedly, your stomach and your intestines and everything bursts.
Natalie: [after previously walking in on Tosh having sex] Hey Tosh, sorry about last night.
Tosh Guaneri: Yeah? Well, don't let it happen again.
Natalie: [notices a tub of Lithium on the floor] Here you dropped these.
[Tosh takes them and goes back to the internet. Natalie picks up the phone but it's dead as Tosh is online]
Natalie: Umm... Tosh; excuse me.
Tosh Guaneri: [angrily turns the computer out and puts out her cigarette] This is my phone-line too!
[Damon has just sneaked up on Brenda and Natalie, proceeding to scare them half to death]
Brenda: [In disgust] Is that what you do in your spare time, Damon? Just go around scaring people like a freak?
Reese Wilson: You mind telling me what the hell you're on?
Natalie: Nothing! Reese I'm telling you the truth, it was right here... the car was...
Reese Wilson: Right here.
Natalie: Reese, I saw his body, I touched it. It was probably the same person who killed Michelle Mancini.
Reese Wilson: That's impossible, baby, the police arrested that gas station attendant this afternoon.
Nerdy Guy: Hey, listen.
[an audible scream in the middle of a song emits from the speaker]
Nerdy Guy: That scream, that's an actual cry for help by a girl being murdered.
Sasha: [feigning interest] You're kidding me!
Nerdy Guy: No! That's why it sounds so real. Because it was lifted off a 9-11 tape.
Sasha: [sarcastically] That's great.
Sasha: Somebody told me she was listening to my show when it happened. I mean, my voice was probably the last thing she heard, can you imagine?
Sasha: Let me get this straight. You guys just tried out this new sexual position, and now you're stuck?
College student: I'm not stuck, he is!
College Student: Relax and stop clinching.
College student: I saw this happen to dogs once, it's so embarrassing.
Sasha: Alright, you guys, this is what you're gonna do, okay? Hello? Hello?
Brenda: What's happening? I heard Sasha on the radio and...
Natalie: She's dead!
Brenda: Oh my God! Are you sure?
Sasha: Hey, Nat. Look what I found.
Sasha: An early edition of Kama Sutra, with illustrations.
[Sasha opens the book, revealing illustrated pictures of people in various sexual positions]
Sasha: Think Parker will get into it?
Natalie: Does he have a choice?
[They both giggle]
Sasha: Wait a second. This is definitely not a myth!
Sasha: The gang high-beam initiation. It happens all the time. Gang members drive around with their headlights off, and when someone goes and flashes their high-beams to warm them, they kill them! That's why I never warn anybody about anything when I drive.
[Natalie seems uncomfortable about this topic]
Sasha: Anyways, I've gotta go. I've got some homework.
[Sasha picks up her Kama Sutra book and Natalie laughs]
Natalie: See you later, Sasha.
Sasha: First let me just congratulate you on your choice of sexual activity because, sweetie, the world is not ready for you to reproduce. Second, did you know ingestion of bodily-fluids is a major safe-sex no-no?
Sasha: Really. My suggestion is that you down a couple shots of Pepto, and next time get away from the volcano before it erupts.
Sasha: You're "Under the Covers" with Sasha on WZAB, the voice of Pendleton University. We're still talking to...?
Jane: Jane. Sophomore. Hi.
Sasha: So, you've been stealing your roommate's birth control pills?
Jane: Borrowing, okay? Look, she's never noticed before because I always replaced them with baby aspirin.
Sasha: With what?
Jane: Baby aspirin. Looks exactly the same. Anyways, now she's pregnant and has to leave school and how the hell I am supposed to find a new roommate so late in the semester?
Sasha: [through the speakers] Oh my god! Help me! Somebody help me!
Natalie: Something's happening!
Nerdy Guy: No, she's doing a performance art piece to commemorate the massacre.
Sasha: [through the speakers] Oh god. Help me! Please!
Nerdy Guy: She's good. I've got chills.
Sasha: Felicia, I think the only thing you need pumped is the air out of your head.
Brenda: [after hearing about the news of Michelle Mancini's death by decapitation] Hey, did anyone here know her? She roomed in Daly.
Brenda: [Natalie seems lost in thought. Brenda snaps her fingers] Hello? Space cadet.
Natalie: Oh, no. I didn't know her.
Damon: Actually, you know, I did know her.
Sasha: You did?
Damon: Yeah, and I'll miss her, too. Girl gave great head.
Natalie: Wait a second. Isn't there another legend about a guy with an axe in a woman's backseat?
Sasha: Hello? My mom still checks the backseat before getting into her car.
Natalie: That's how Michelle Mancini died.
Brenda: Oh my God.
Sasha: What are you trying to say, Natalie?
Natalie: It's like someone out there is taking all these legends, and making them reality.
Parker: [Sasha and Brenda seem momentarily worried for Natalie, but Parker seizes the moment] Well, my big question is: what is he gonna do next, huh? Maybe put spider eggs in bubblegum? Or maybe ram a gerbil up a celebrity's ass?
Reese Wilson: Hello?
College student: [through the speakers] I'm not stuck, he is. I'm not stuck he, is. I'm not stuck, he is.
Reese Wilson: [Reese enters the room and sees Sasha's dead body] Ahhh! Oh, no. Ohhh!
Paul Gardener: [to Natalie] Stanley Hall is *not* a legend.
[shows her newspaper report of the massacre 25 years ago]