Seth Green credited as playing...
Scott Evil
- Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.
- Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?
- Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.
- Scott: [both on the Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!
- Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott!
- Scott: Why did you run out on me?
- Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
- [audience boos]
- Dr. Evil: Well it's true! It's true! You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
- Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.
- Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
- Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
- Dr Evil: Probably.
- Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
- The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?
- Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
- The President: What are you talking about?
- Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
- [snaps fingers]
- Dr. Evil: Mmhmm.
- The President: Whose girlfriend?
- Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I had to pop a cop 'cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown. No? I heard that somewhere.
- Scott: You're an idiot.
- Frau Farbissina: [both on the Springer show] Scott, you are my love child with Dr.Evil.
- Scott: I thought I was a test tube baby.
- Frau Farbissina: Lies. All lies!
- Dr. Evil: Any ways, the key to this plan is the giant laser. It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project.
- Scott: Oh, my God.
- Dr. Evil: What now?
- Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just name it 'Operation Wang-Chung'? Ass.
- Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, i don't...
- Scott: Oh nothing. I'm sure 'Operation Bananarama' will be huge.
- Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it.
- Scott: You know, you can't even...
- Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip.
- Scott: Look, all I'm...
- Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.
- Scott: Number Two, would you please back me up?
- Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!
- Scott: Ugh. I can't...
- Dr. Evil: [to the tune of Devo's "Whip It"] When a problem comes along, you must zip it!
- Dr. Evil: [imitates whip] Zip it good!
- Scott: Frau, would you please - ?
- Dr. Evil: [speaks Japanese] Subtitle: "Zip it".
- Scott: I'm just trying to...
- Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?
- Scott: [holding a dead skunk] Dad, he put this in my bed.
- Dr. Evil: Who?
- Scott: Your stupid... . mini-you. He put roadkill in my sheets!
- Dr. Evil: What... Mini-Me, don't you ever do that again. You hear me? Don't you ever do that again!
- [Mini-Me hangs his head in shame]
- Dr. Evil: I can't stay mad at you. Look at that punim.
- Dr. Evil: You can't stop me now, Mr. Powers. I have your mojo, and I'm taking it with me to the moon. Put them in a jail cell!
- Austin: [he and Felicity are ushered away] My mojo! I'll get you, Dr. Evil! I'll get you!
- Dr. Evil: [sarcastic] Oh, look at me, I'm shaking in my little space boots.
- Austin: I want my mojo! Give me back my mojo!
- Scott: Great plan, Einstein.
- Austin: I'll get you, Dr. Evil!
- Scott: Well, you're gonna put him in a cell one with one inept guard, and they'll escape! God, you do this every time!
- Dr. Evil: Come on, Mr. President, show me the money.
- The President: Show you what money?
- Dr. Evil: [imitating Tom Cruise] Show me the money! Show me the money! You had me at hello. Tear. Nothing? No?
- Scott: Psst! It's 1969. "Jerry Maguire" won't even come out for another 30 years. Nobody knows what you're talking about. Ass.
- Dr. Evil: Scott, Daddy's working, okay? And when you're in the main chamber, try and use the big boy voice, okay?
- [Scott rolls his eyes]
- Dr. Evil: Thank you.
- Scott: What are you drawing?
- Dr. Evil: [Mini-Me passes the drawing to him] It's just a goodbye card, that's all.
- [giving it a glance]
- Dr. Evil: It's sweet.
- [he passes it to Number Two, who gives it to Scott; it's revealed to be a Hangman stick figure hanging from a gallows and the words "Die Scott" underneath]
- Young Number Two: [restraining Scott as he leaps forward] Whoa, whoa, hey.
- Fat Bastard: Get him! Get the baby!
- Dr. Evil: Back off. Back off!
- Young Number Two: Simmer down. Simmer down.
- Dr. Evil: He's my posse.