The Sopranos (1999–2007)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?
Dr Jennifer Melfi: I don't know.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the shit out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: How'd that make you feel?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: Giving the beating or taking it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: More is lost by indecision than wrong decision.
Tony Blundetto: Fucking weird. My cousin in the old man's seat.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's like "Sun-Tuh-Zoo" says: a good commander is benevolent and unconcerned with fame.
Tony Blundetto: What?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: "Sun-Tuh-Zoo". The Chinese Prince Matchabelli. Tony turned me on to him.
Silvio Dante: Tzu, Tzu! Sun Tzu, you fucking ass-kiss!
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: Hey, Sil.
Silvio Dante: What?
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: "What". I've been gone a long time. Let me hear it.
Silvio Dante: [imitates Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to Pie-O-My, it's sad that you lost something you loved. That being said, it is a horse.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck's the matter with you?
Christopher: Fear knocked on the door. Faith answered. There was no one there.
[about his father]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The belt was his favorite child development tool.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, okay. Although I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're getting better, that's the important thing. You look better too.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: If you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad waiting in the car who wants to tongue my balls.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want that, it's a phone call away.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Silvio] All due respect, you got no fuckin' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sil, break it down for 'em. What two businesses have been recession-proof since time immemorial?
Silvio Dante: Certain aspects of show business and our thing.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking the lithium?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it... a little kick-start.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why not kick me in the head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What you're going through is very painful, I know that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You get stabbed in the ribs, that's painful. This shit, I don't feel nothing. Nothing. Dead. Empty.
Livia Soprano: I wish the Lord would take me now.
[Christopher just got out of drug rehab]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Which one of the twelve steps you on now?
Christopher Moltisanti: The only one I haven't exactly done is go around to all the people I fucked over while I was using and apologize.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: ...maybe you shouldn't do that one. Let sleeping dogs lie.
Christopher Moltisanti: That's what I was thinking.
[Christopher is stoned]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Been wanting to talk to you.
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, been wanting to talk to you too.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'll go first. I gotta make it my number one priority to limit my exposure to potentially damaging conversations and wiretaps, shit like that.
Christopher Moltisanti: Sure, guy in your position.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, over the next couple of years, more and more, I'm gonna be giving my orders through you, and then finally only through you.
Christopher Moltisanti: And what about Sil? You got that with him and Paulie.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Those other guys, Sil, Paulie... one thing they're not: they're not my blood. You hear what I'm saying to you? It's a matter of trust.
Christopher Moltisanti: That's very wise.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sil's a good consigliere, he's gonna continue on as such, but he's no fucking spring chicken either. On the other hand, there's no reason to be giving him a fucking attitude either.
Christopher Moltisanti: No, course not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's gonna be a period of transition.
Christopher Moltisanti: Jesus Christ, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're gonna take this family into the twenty-first century.
Christopher Moltisanti: We're already in the twenty-first century, though, T...
[Tony looks at him, confused]
Christopher Moltisanti: Whatever you say, T. I'd follow you into the gates of hell.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What fucking kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?
Eugene Pontecorvo: The only thing I ever found in the street was my first wife.
Ralphie Cifaretto: I hate to do it, Artie. But I think I'm gonna pass. Sorry.
Artie Bucco: Why not?
Ralphie Cifaretto: 'Cause if you don't pay me back, I ain't gonna be able to hurt ya.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [repeated line, when greeting someone or several people] What'd ya hear? What'd ya say?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All right, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this.
Vito Spatafore: I'm upset, but please. I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph Cifaretto: Unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.
Silvio Dante: You're only as good as your last envelope.
Ralphie Cifaretto: ...and I know I'm the guy who's dating your mom,
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Dating?
Ralphie Cifaretto: Don't get fuckin' filthy about it.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce!
[while playing hearts]
Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiro: I've eaten more queens than Lancelot.
Christopher Moltisanti: Whatever you do, do not engage Silvio in conversation.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [about his father] He'd been in prison. He was away when I was a little kid. They told me he was in Montana, being a cowboy.
Tony Soprano: Is everyone in my life fuckin' bananas?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It wasn't like it was friggin' Cobain! It was just a little suicidal gesture, that's all.
Livia Soprano: [at the dinner table talking about AJ's behavior] Oh, his father was the same way. I practically LIVED in that vice principal's office.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Could we not, please?
Livia Soprano: Well, you only remember what you want to remember. Yeah, well, I must have had another son who stole a car when he was ten years old.
Livia Soprano: Yeah, he could barely see over the steering wheel.
Janice Soprano: [as she's talking with Tony while sucking marrow out of a soup bone] God, I love marrow, just like Ma. Remember Ma with a bone? It sounded like half-price day at a liposuction clinic.
Silvio Dante: My daughter got off on this feminist rant. She told me it's demeaning for a girl to be working at the Bing. The fact that these girls make $1500 a week has no bearing with my principessa.
FBI agent: We've had every one of Tony Soprano's phones bugged for four years, but the guy says less than Harpo Marx.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Oh, what do you know about who belongs to what? You been away twenty fuckin' years!
Feech La Manna: Which entitles me to earn!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Which entitles you to shit! In my book, you get points for staying out of the can.
Feech La Manna: Good thing for me then that your book don't mean oogatz to me! What's yours is yours, Paulie, but what ain't is anybody else's. Now do yourself a fucking favor and get the fuck out of my store!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Any idea what my life would be worth if people knew I was in a laughing academy?
[a union leader won't go along with one of the Sopranos' schemes. Bobby is sent to fix the situation]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: You're Teddy Genaretti, aren't you? The shop steward for local 184?
Union Leader: Guilty. What are you, a joint fitter?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Wild Turkey, neat. I saw your caravan in the lot. It's a nice car for a family.
Union Leader: Do I know you?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: [shakes hands] Jim Blake.
Union Leader: What local you in?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Bad back. It's just that I follow these things, you know, this election coming up. Dick Hoffman for president? I heard he's got 184's vote. I think it's a mistake.
Union Leader: Pension's been ripped off for the last 25 years.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Hey, I'm sure you guys got grievances. But Dick Hoffman? What do you owe this guy? It's all talk, he's out of touch with reality, Dick. You think if push came to shove he'd give a fuck about you?
Union Leader: I know what you're trying to do.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: You look like a smart guy. I can see why your local puts their faith in you to do the right thing. I'm just saying if it was me, I got kids that depend on me, like yourself. And to waste my votes on somebody like Dick Hoffman? I might as well put a bullet in my head.
[makes a gun with his hand and points it to the back of his own head]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Here, here, and here.
Christopher Moltisanti: So, you won't talk about this to anybody?
Black Thug: I got the mouth of a statue, nigga.
'Little' Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: The fundamental question is, will I be as effective as a boss like my dad was? And I will be, even more so? But until I am, it's going to be hard to verify that I think I'll be more effective.
Carmine 'Little Carmine' Lupertazzi: No, you gotta give him some slack. He hasn't really been boss of a family very long.
Carmine Lupertazzi: Family? I told you. They're a glorified crew.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Whatever they are, Carmine, the Sopranos bring in a lot of cash.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I feel for you males. It's our goddamn fault you don't know how to act.
Randall Curtin: Oh! Admitting mistakes?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We tell you to be more sensitive, you join Promise Keepers. We say get in touch with your feelings, you run off into the woods in a loincloth gunking yourself with bear fat beating a drum.
Randall Curtin: Hey, don't ruin my evening.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You know what I mean.
Randall Curtin: Sure. You want someone who's sensitive to your needs, but still decisive enough for the occasional grope in the closet.
Juror #9: Stay in touch. Call me when your grandson is born.
Female Juror: I wouldn't want to think of you on that day.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: How much White Castle did you have?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: I had none. I swear.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: I can SMELL it.
Silvio Dante: Chrissie, I hear you're doing good with the gambling.
Christopher Moltisanti: You kidding me? With the money I made, I could go work at Denny's for the rest of my life.
Silvio Dante: Yeah, like they would ever hire you.
Junior Soprano: Must be different in the can now Not like the old days. Fuckin' animals.
Feech La Manna: It's all about setting a precedent.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line when accused of favoritism] I'm not running a popularity contest.
[Three of Tony's capos enter a room angrily]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought I was the only one Junior could make look like that.
Tony Soprano: Oh, poor baby. What do you want, a Whitman's Sampler?
Adriana La Cerva: Ralph was asking if Tony was at the club. Why? Is he gonna be?
Christopher: You don't know what this guy did for me.
Adriana La Cerva: Yeah I do.
Christopher: Not just getting my stripes, something I can't talk about. Something that was ruining my whole life and he made it right. For what I owe him, I would follow that man into hell.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: We go way back to when Moses wore short pants.
Several characters: Get the fuck outta here!
Several characters: [repeated line, encouraging them to think positive and optimistic if they're currently disappointed, depressed, or sad] Keep your dick up.
Christopher Moltisanti: In my thoughts, I use the technique of positive visualization.
Livia Soprano: [repeated line to Tony Soprano Sr. after he complains about her and other aspects of his life] Oh poor you...
Tony Blundetto: To think, when I got out of the joint, I thought an airbag was Paulie Walnuts!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Repeated line] Skip the preambles...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [he's in denial over Pussy wearing a wire] It's fuckin' JIMMY!
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: [repeated punch line to a joke] Since Moses wore short pants.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line when Dr. Melfi uses medical terminology he doesn't understand] English?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line to AJ] Focus on the good times.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Maybe I'm wrong, but you haven't been yourself since the old man died. Lorraine Caluzzo. Then you sink this idiot's boat. It's not the Johnny Sack I knew.
Mikey Palmice: Junior Soprano's the new boss and he ain't respectin' old arrangements.
Angelo Garepe: Rusty, I think he bangs his wife in installments.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line when someone attempts to challenge his authority] What? You're going to argue with me now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's okay. It's okay.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: [repeated line when irritated or angry at someone or something] Cocksucker!
Janice Soprano: [while having an argument with Tony] There's a lot of things I can say that I'm not gonna say.
Several characters: [Repeated line in annoyance or anger to different people all on different occasions, in Italian slang translated into a variation of take it in the ass or stick it in your ass] Vaffanculo!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri, referring to Janice] You want more responsibility? Start by controlling your wife.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line to Dr. Melfi when she suggests his possible Oedipus complex] Oh come on, I do not want to fuck my mother.
Several characters: [repeated line when greeting a "friend of ours"] There he is.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Repeated line to Dr. Melfi during their therapy sessions] I got the world by the balls and I can't stop feeling like a miserable prick.
Several characters: [repeated line, jokingly, sarcastically when stating the resemblance and similarities from one real person to another fictitious person] Over here.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Repeated line] You go about in pity for yourself.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: [repeated line when answering the phone] Speak!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line to persuade someone to acknowledge the actual issue to be discussed that's being avoided] Let's dispense with the 500 pound elephant in the room.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line after recovering from his gun shot wound] Each day is a gift.
Phil Leotardo: [repeated line, referring to The Soprano crime family] They're a glorified crew.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to his Uncle Junior, joking with him] I'm kidding with you, you old fuck.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Repeated line line to different people all on different occasions, describing his admiration for Gary Copper] The strong, silent type. That was an American, he just did what he had to do.
Several characters: [Repeated line, implying there's no purpose in living] What's the fuckin point?
Carmela Soprano: [Repeated line when she feels someone unjustly shifts the blame onto her] Oh, so it's my fault.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Repeated line to Dr. Jennifer Melfi, referring to psychoanalysis] It's a jerk off.
Several characters: [Repeated line when being rushed to do something or say something, or when told to do something in a hurry] Take it easy...
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: [asking her if she'll let him kiss them on the cheek] Give me that cheek.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line, implying et cetera] Whatever the fuck!
Several characters: [repeated line when left in a situation they didn't intend to be in or left with an option they didn't choose] What are you gonna do?
Feech La Manna: [repeated line before telling others stories of what it was like being a gangster in his prime] In my day...
Christopher Moltisanti: [repeated line when introducing himself and greeting other members at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting] Hi I'm Chris, I'm an alcoholic and an addict.
A.J. Soprano: [repeated line, sarcastically when someone complains to him] Poor you.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Dr. Melfi, referring to his estranged relationship with his mother] She's dead to me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line, implying no one is making money when crime families are at war with each other] When guys are on mattresses, they're not out earning.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: [repeated line when complaining when too many people are coming in and out of his home] What is this? Fuckin' Grand Central Station?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line and his one condition to Feech La Manna after when he requested to rejoin the family after being released from prison] As long as you don't step on anyone's toes.
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: [repeated line, referring to his back injury] My back was for shit, you know that!
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: [repeated line to emphasize and exaggerate the comparison of the time span between two people or two objects] Since Moses wore short pants.