Ronna: I need a favor.
Todd: Wow, I didn't know we were such good friends, Ronna! Because if we were, you would know I give head before I give favors and I didn't even give my best friends head, so the chance of your getting a favor right now is pretty fucking slim.
Stringy Haired Woman: Don't think you're something you're not. I used to have your job.
Ronna: Look how far it got you.
Todd: You come here, out of the blue, asking for 20 hits. Just so happens 20 is the magic number where intent to sell becomes trafficking!
Ronna: Todd, I would never fuck you like that.
Todd: How would you fuck me?
Zack: It really didn't go as bad as it could have.
Adam: A girl is dead, Zack.
Zack: I didn't say it went perfectly.
Zack: [after being asked by Burke to sell Confederated Products] Uhh, wait. Wait. You want us to sell Amway?
Burke: It's Confederated Products. It's a different company, it's a different quality of product.
[Claire and Todd are having breakfast together, and he's reading the funnies in the newspaper]
Claire: So, what do you have against The Family Circus?
Todd: Okay. You sit down and read your paper, and you're enjoying your entire two-page comics spread. Right? And then there's the Family fucking Circus, bottom right-hand corner, just waiting to suck.
Singh: Just so we're clear, you stole a car, shot a bouncer, and had sex with two women?
Victor Sr.: You know what wakes me up in the middle of the night covered in a cold sweat? Knowing that you aren't any worse than anyone else in your whole screwed up generation. In the old days, you know how you got to the top? Huh? By being better than the guy ahead of you. How do you people get to the top? By being so fucking incompetent, that the guy ahead of you can't do his job, so he falls on his ass and congratulations, you are now on top. And now the top is down here, it used to be up here... and you don't even know the fucking difference.
Burke: Listen, I just want to make a deal here. Can we make a deal?
Ronna: Who the fuck are you? Monty Hall?
Todd: What do you want for Christmas, Claire?
Claire: I don't know.
Todd: Do you want to get laid?
Todd: No, you don't wanna get laid, or no, you do, but you don't wanna get laid - with me?
Tiny: And whack! It hits her in the eye. And her contact? It's, like, stuck on the end of my dick!
[Tiny waits for a reaction, but his friends are unimpressed. Only Marcus, in the front passenger seat, turns his head, alertly, like a lion smelling prey]
Tiny: Yo, her contact was stuck on the end of my dick, yo!
Marcus: Was it hard or was it soft?
Tiny: What, my dick?
Singh: The contact lens!
Marcus: Do you remember if it was a colored lens? That she used to have two blue eyes, and now she had one blue and one brown?
Tiny: [Still elated from telling his story] Hey, what the fuck does that matter?
Marcus: [Marcus turns to look at Tiny over the headrest of the front passenger seat, and stares him straight in the eye] It matters because it happened to ME. That was my story. I told that story a year ago, man!
Tiny: Aw, no.
Marcus: The difference is that I knew those small but important details. That and, and my story was true.
[Embarrassed, he looks out the window, away from Marcus]
Marcus: What do you mean, whatever?
Tiny: Why don't you pull your stinky-dinky out of my ass? I'm just trying to make conversation. Fuck! Come on, why don't you give a nigger a break?
Marcus: [Marcus turns around in the car seat again] "Nigger"? What nigger?
[touches his own chest]
Marcus: THIS nigger?
Tiny: Yo, I told you, my mother's mother's mother were black!
Marcus: Your mother's mother's mother, fuck - this ain't "Roots", mutha... Man, I wanna see a picture of this Nubian princess.
Marcus: If you were any less black, you would be clear.
Tiny: That bitch was black as night!
Singh: Okay! Stop! Truce!
Tiny: But I see black. Because I know I am. Color's a state of mind, Marcus!
Marcus: You know what, you right. Thank you, Rhythm Nation.
[And the laughter and insults continue...]
[Adam and Zack are in the rain trying to make space in their trunk to put a body in it]
Zack: Wait! Stop! Hold it!
Adam: What? What?
Zack: It's a Miata!
Claire: You're making me an accessory!
Ronna: Okay Claire, that bracelet of mine you're wearing, that's an accessory.
[Claire walks out of the apartment - a gunshot is heard from the apartment - she freezes]
Simon Baines: [from the apartment] It's alright. I'm okay.
Todd: Hey Ronna, how are sales?
Ronna: Todd, I can explain
Todd: I'm not going to ask you to. It's not like I'm in a highly ethical industry. But Goddamned, Ronna. You fucked me over for twenty lousy hits!
Mannie: So, what are we doing for New Year's?
Tiny: Yo, I told you, my mother's mother's mother was black!
Marcus: Your mother's mother's mother, f*** - this ain't "Roots", mutha... Man, I wanna see a picture of this Nubian princess. If you were any less black, you would be clear.
[Selling allergy medicine as drugs]
Ronna: You know what makes it even better? If you take like a lot of pot with it. I mean like, like a lot of pot.
Simon Baines: They can't evict you on Christmas! Then you'd be ho-ho-homeless!
Adam: Is it safe to have a radio attached to my balls like this?
Ronna: [before selling baby aspirin to a party-goer] Show me your tits.
Zack: Let's think about this logically. She's either alive, or she's dead.
[after the wild night]
Mannie: So... what are we doing for New Years?
[after being asked by Burke to sell the Amway-like Confederated Products]
Zack: I have to do something terribly unwholesome after that. I need to bathe in sin.
Adam: With me, or one of your other boyfriends?
Marcus: You can order anything you want so long as it's not what?
Simon Baines: Champagne
barmaid: What'll it be?
Marcus: Let me get a vodka tonic and a beer, please.
Simon Baines: I'd like to buy your most expensive bottle of champagne!
[Referring to the Family Circus comic strip]
Todd: And it's always there, in the lower right hand corner, just waiting to suck.
[while escaping from Victor Sr. and Junior Jr]
Tiny: WHO DA FUCK WE RUNNIN' FROM?
Zack: Okay, I just have to say this. The thing is, about Jimmy, he wasn't even that good.
Adam: I know.
Zack: Mediocre at best. And the sounds he made, God, it was like having sex with Nell. Somewhere off Greenland, humpback whales were beaching themselves.
Adam: And the ear thing. Hello, I have Q-Tips, that's really not necessary.
Zack: The only thing I will give him credit for is the oral.
Adam: What do you mean? He was terrible! At some point I just had to stop him and correct years of bad technique. I had to take him by the ears and retrain him from the throat up.
Zack: When was that?
Adam: October, maybe?
Zack: Early October. And he suddenly got so much better.
Adam: That is so disturbing. It's like you were there.
Zack: I have cheated on you with exactly one guy.
Adam: No. See, if I tell you, you will freak out and it will be drama. Bad, not-funny, Roseanne kind of drama, and I am just not up for it.
Zack: I'll tell you mine.
Zack: Why not?
Adam: You can't wait to tell me, can you? You're gloating! You think yours is better than mine!
Zack: I don't!
Adam: It's Sean Connery, isn't it?
Zack: Count of three.
Adam: All right. Sure.
[they silently count three on their fingers, and then...]
Marcus: The thing is, most people, they really don't know how to make love. Okay? They stick it in, move it around a little bit till they get off, but what Tantra teaches you is how to deepen it. Prolong the sexual experience. Okay? Bring it to a higher level. If one man in ten was having the sex that I'm having, there'd be no war.
Simon Baines: Alright, man. So what's the longest you and her ever did it?
Marcus: Fourteen hours.
Singh: [in disbelief] Holy shit, man! Come on!
Tiny: How many times you shoot?
Marcus: Not once, man.
Simon Baines: Fourteen hours? You didn't go once? Not even in the end?
Marcus: That's the thing, you redirect the orgasm inside. How long do your orgasms usually last? Two, three seconds? I've had orgasms that have lasted up to an hour and a half, man.
Simon Baines: That has got to be bullshit.
Marcus: Honest to God, and I do mean Allah.