Hollywood Squares (1998–2004)
Tom Bergeron: First, he was Prince. Then, he was The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. After that, he was simply The Artist. What is he known as now?
Simon Cowell: The Artist Who Formerly Sold Records.
Tom Bergeron: A $50,000 Gulfstream jet is the most expensive thing purchased using what?
Guest Appearance: Dollars?
Tom Bergeron: Recently on Live with Regis and Kelly, Kelly Ripa started a club called "Rip-heads". What are "Rip-heads"?
Martin Mull: Rip-heads are people who couldn't get into Mensa if you spotted them 200 points.
Jeffrey Tambor: Well, it's a good thing you asked me this question. Because I was a history major in high school.
Tom Bergeron: Really?
Jeffrey Tambor: No.
[immediate and repeated response to contestants guessing incorrectly during a marathon first match]
[Jeffrey Tambor has just received a tennis question]
Jeffrey Tambor: You know, this is interesting, because I used to be a tennis coach.
Tom Bergeron: Really?
Jeffrey Tambor: [shakes his head] No.
[In the bonus round, the contestant narrows his choices down to two keys and picks the wrong one]
Tom Bergeron: Well, as you know... hold on.
[Tom walks over and takes a cue card from the grip]
Tom Bergeron: They actually had to show me this.
[Tom shows the audience the cue card]
Tom Bergeron: "Show him the correct key." IT'S THE ONE HE DIDN'T PICK.
Tom Bergeron: When spelled out in Scrabble tiles, which is worth more points? "Tom Bergeron" or "sex machine"?
Tom Bergeron: What should you do about a hairy back?
Gilbert Gottfried: I usually close my eyes and imagine she's wearing an alpaca sweater.
Tom Bergeron: So what do you do for a living?
Contestant: I teach ESL, English as a Second Language
Tom Bergeron: So what do you teach?
Tom Bergeron: [It is the end of the main game of the show, and it is time count the number of squares each contestant earned in this round] Let's count up our squares. Now Brianna, you have two which gives you a thousand dollars and our thanks for being here on Hollywood Squares.
[shakes hands as audience applauds skeptically and Whoopi Goldberg has a puzzled look on her face, as Brianna's podium shows that she has won another thousand dollars from a previous game]
Tom Bergeron: You look stunned!
[turns to other contestant]
Tom Bergeron: Now Alan, you've added three squares to your total, that gives you...
[off-stage crew begins yelling 'hold it!' and confusion ensues before Bergeron realizes his mistake]
Tom Bergeron: Oh she won!
[bursts into laughter as audience and panelists laugh and applaud]
Tom Bergeron: I guess that Emmy nomination's shot to shit right now!
Tom Bergeron: [the final question asked on the series] What is New Holland blue and sits on the White House lawn?
Martin Mull: It is a flower, a tulip I believe.
Martin Mull, Contestant: I agree
Tom Bergeron: No, it's the tractor that mows the White House lawn.