Mystery Men (1999)
Ben Stiller: Furious
[Mr. Furious tries to balance a hammer on his head]
Mr. Furious : Why am I doing this, again?
The Sphinx : When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack.
Mr. Furious : And why am I wearing the watermelon on my feet?
The Sphinx : [looks at the watermelon on Mr. Furious' feet] I don't remember telling you to do that.
Mr. Furious : Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a little bit formulaic? "If you want to push something down, you have to pull it up. If you want to go left, you have to go right." It's...
The Sphinx : Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to master your rage...
Mr. Furious : ...your rage will become your master? That's what you were going to say. Right? Right?
The Sphinx : Not necessarily.
[the trio talks about recruiting more heroes for the team]
The Blue Raja : Well, there's The Sphinx, of course.
Mr. Furious : The what?
The Blue Raja : The Sphinx.
The Shoveller : I know this guy. Big crime-fighter from down South. Big-league hitter down there.
Mr. Furious : What's his power?
The Blue Raja : Well, he's terribly mysterious.
Mr. Furious : [dismissively] That's it? That's his power? He's mysterious?
The Blue Raja : Well, TERRIBLY mysterious.
The Shoveller : Plus he can, like, cut guns in half with his mind.
Mr. Furious : [talking about Carmine the Bowler] Seems there was a little controversy there regarding your father's death.
The Bowler : Yes, the police said he fell down an elevator shaft. Onto some bullets.
The Blue Raja : You know, I've alwas suspected a bit of foul play there.
The Bowler : As have I.
Invisible Boy : [after becoming invisible for a moment and reappearing naked] I'm invisible. Can you see me?
Mr. Furious : Wow.
The Blue Raja : Two hands there, son.
[Invisible Boy covers up]
The Bowler : Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you want to keep fighting evil today.
Mr. Furious : They must have ripped the "Q" section out of my dictionary, 'cause I don't know the meaning of the word "quit".
The Shoveller : If we had a billionaire like Lance Hunt as our benefactor...
Mr. Furious : That's because Lance Hunt IS Captain Amazing!
The Shoveller : Oh, here we go...
The Shoveller : Don't start that AGAIN. Lance Hunt wears glasses, Captain Amazing DOESN'T wear glasses.
Mr. Furious : He takes them off when he transforms...
The Shoveller : That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see!
[to the news reporters]
The Shoveller : Excuse me, could I say something? I think we would all like this victory to go out to all the other guys, and I'm talking about the people in this city who are super good at their jobs but never get any credit. Like the lady in the DMV - that's a rough job.
Invisible Boy : To the people that remember jingles from tons of old commercials.
The Bowler : And uh, uh, people that support local music and seek out independent film.
The Shoveller : And the guy that drives the snow-plow. And the school nurse, that's a...
Mr. Furious : Eddie, Eddie, I think they got the point.
Becky Beaner : What's the name of this group?
Invisible Boy : The Super Dudes!
The Bowler : No, no, no, not the Super Dudes.
Mr. Furious : We're not the Super Dudes. We don't have a name yet, but we're definitely not the Super Dudes.
The Shoveller : I gotta get home, it's late...
[a photojournalist approaches]
The Bowler : Picture, picture time!
Becky Beaner : Well, whatever you call them, Champion City will forever owe a debt of gratitude to these mystery men.
The Sphinx : Wait! Wait, that's it!... We are the Super Squad.
The Bowler : No, no! Alliteration in these situations is corny... What?
[She opens her bag, where Carmine sits smouldering]
The Bowler : Yes, we're all very aware that you saved the day, and I'm sure we'll be hearing about it for the rest of our lives...
Mr. Furious : I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines.
Mr. Furious : Okay. Right now, I'm kinda like a powder keg, and you're the match.
[Mr. Furious, the Blue Raja, and the Shoveller are sneaking across Frankenstein's property to undertake some reconnaissance]
Mr. Furious : Shh! Wait! Hear that? We must have hit a trip-wire. It could be a proton eviscerator heating up.
The Shoveller : It could be a cybernetic atom scrambler. They target moving objects.
The Blue Raja : It sounds more like a heat-seeking anthrax projection gun to me. Quickly, cover your mouths.
Mr. Furious : No, let's bolt! Come on!
The Shoveller : No! Don't move.
The Blue Raja : Don't breathe!
Mr. Furious : Let's bolt!
The Shoveller : Don't move!
The Blue Raja : Don't breathe!
Mr. Furious : Let's bolt!
The Shoveller : Don't move!
[a sprinkler system turns on and the three are soaked]
The Shoveller : [disgustedly] Ohh, it's the sprinkler.
Mr. Furious : [as the Blue Raja and the Shoveller walk away] Well here I thought I was with a couple of real superheroes, the Shoveller and the Blue Raja! But really, it's Lazy Boy and... and... the recliner! Lazy Boy and the Recliner!
[Mr Furious recommends a publicist for him and his friends]
The Shoveller : What are we gonna publicise, Roy? The fact that we get our butts kicked, a lot?
Mr. Furious : Well, maybe if you didn't smack me in the face with a shovel every time we went out, we'd have a few more victories to brag about.
The Shoveller : All right now, I'm sorry about that. I just have a tendency to lose my concentration when I've got a salad fork stuck in my rear end.
The Blue Raja : Oh, oh I get it, so YOUR shovel in HIS face is MY fault?
The Shoveller : You threw a spoon at the guy, Jeff!
Mr. Furious : Yeah, what was up with that?
The Blue Raja : I, I, I am embarrassed about that. I thought it was a fork.
The Shoveller : You're the master of cutlery. You couldn't throw a knife sometimes when someone's trying to kill me?
The Blue Raja : No, I can't! You couldn't, uh, use a rake sometimes?
The Shoveller : No. I'm the Shoveler.
The Blue Raja : Well, I'm the Blue Raja. I'm not Stab Man, I'm not Knifey Boy - I'm the Blue Raja.
Mr. Furious : Yeah, that's another thing...
The Blue Raja : What?
Mr. Furious : Well, you could work a little blue into the uniform somewhere. I mean you've got green, you've got this little flowery thing going on, but it's like everything BUT blue.
The Blue Raja : Well, if we could just step out of our literal minds, just for a moment...
Monica : What's your name?
Mr. Furious : D-do you mean my secret identity? 'Cause I couldn't...
Monica : No, I just mean your name.
Mr. Furious : My name. Ummm... wow. Okay... It's... Phoenix... Phoenix Dark... Dirk... Phoenix... Dark Dirk. I was christened Dirk Steel and then I changed it to Phoenix...
Monica : Forget about it. It's okay.
Mr. Furious : It's Roy! That's, that's my name. My... my real name is Roy.
Monica : Just. Be. Roy. Okay?
Mr. Furious : After all, I am a ticking time bomb of fury.
[Monica is trying to eat dinner behind the counter when Mr. Furious approaches to try to strike up a conversation. He notices photographs of motorcycles in the magazine she is reading]
Mr. Furious : You're into motorcycles.
Monica : [uninterested] No, not really.
Mr. Furious : Oh. 'Cause I got a motorcycle.
Monica : [She nods without looking up] Yeah, what kind?
Mr. Furious : It's a Harley...
Monica : A Harley!
Mr. Furious : [He nods, then lurches into honesty] ... compatible. It's a Harley-compatible. Basically the same engineering.
Dr. Heller : If you're gonna bust into that mansion, you're gonna need more than a station wagon.
Mr. Furious : At the auto yard, there's this old Herkimer Battle Jitney. Sally's always telling me to junk it!
Dr. Heller : Wait! You have a Herkimer Battle Jitney? That's the finest nonlethal military vehicle ever made!
Mr. Furious : Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt.
Mr. Furious : Looks like tonight the lone wolf rides... alone
[commenting On The Disco Boy's arsenal]
Mr. Furious : What? Guns? That's your power, you shoot guns?
The Blue Raja : There's no theme at all here.
Mr. Furious : Weak.
The Blue Raja : At best.
[a Disco Boy wields a pipe]
The Shoveller : And who are you supposed to be, the Disco Plumber?
[they high-five each other]
Mr. Furious : See, you've got a chain, I would at least make it a gold chain. That's just off the top of my head.
Mr. Furious : [to Tony C, referring to his outfit] What's up, Tiger Lily?
Tony C. : Top of your head, huh.
[Tony C pistol-whips Furious]
Tony C. : [the Disco Boys proceed to beat the hell out of Furious, Blue Raja, and the Shoveller]
Mr. Furious : What kinda crazy man blows up a crazy house?
Mr. Furious : Listen, I just wanted to say, I had a great time tonight, and you were really nice to me, and I would love to ask you out some time. But if I don't call you, I just want you to know it's because I'm dead.
The Shoveller : Come on, somebody do something, we need him.
The Bowler : Okay. Okay, let's do this. You're a very furious man, do you understand that?
Mr. Furious : No.
The Bowler : No? Well you've got a lot to be furious about, and I'll tell you why: You're not well-liked. You're uh, you're abrasive and off-putting. You try and say pithy things, but your wit is a hindrance and so, therefore nothing is provocative. Just mixed metaphors. Now, doesn't that make you angry? Does it infuriate you?
Mr. Furious : No.
The Bowler : Well, it should. Aren't you angry? Come on, man!
The Shoveller : Your penmanship is atrocious!
The Sphinx : You dress in the manner of a male prostitute!
Mr. Furious : Frak-you-later, Frankenpuss!
[throws Frankenstein into the pyscho-frakulator]
Mr. Furious : My pants feel like they're shrinking too.
Mr. Furious : Everyone heard me say reset button.
Mr. Furious : I'm a wannabe. I AM a wannabe - a TRUE wannabe, in the worst sense of... You guys are gonna have to go fight this battle without me.
The Spleen : You start doubting your super-powers, man, you are SHAFTED!
Mr. Furious : If I had any super-powers to doubt, I w... I guess I'd be in trouble, but I don't. What do I do? I don't. I don't. I go... What do I... I go 'R-r-r-r-r-r'!
The Spleen : What? What are you talking about? You lifted a bus once!
The Blue Raja : Yes, precisely! That story's legend'ry!
Mr. Furious : Yeah... It was really more of a...
[waves hand sideways]
Mr. Furious : ... a push, really, than a lift.
The Blue Raja : That still takes INCREDIBLE super-human strength.
The Blue Raja : Indeed, it does! To push an entire bus out of the way.
Mr. Furious : Well, actually, the driver kinda had his foot on the accelerator... JUST in the beginning; just to get it going. Then it actually was me. But he kinda...
The Blue Raja : Oh, shit.
Mr. Furious : [after Casanova Frankenstein blows up a building] Ohh! Mama pajama!