[Interviewing Jiff for the movie]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Jiff Ramsey: Well, yeah, but it would probably be better if someone else did it. I've had a few... accidents.
Kit: White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.
[on filming an actor without his giving permission to be filmed]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Did you know Tom Cruise had no idea he was in that vampire movie till two years later?
Robert K. Bowfinger: We are finished! We are over!
Daisy: How come?
Robert K. Bowfinger: You had sex with Jiff.
Robert K. Bowfinger: I never thought of it that way.
Daisy: I'll see you tonight?
Robert K. Bowfinger: What time?
Kit: [looking around] Hey! Freddy?
Slater: You heard me Kincade, don't act dumb! Where's the plutonium?
Kit: Hey, the plutonium is mine, its been registered for religious purposes!
Slater: [confused] You, you actually have some plutonium?
Robert K. Bowfinger: [listening] He's got *plutonium*?
Carol: I know that I'm not supposed to be doing this, but I just want you to know that you were so real in your response to the aliens. I mean, I wasn't even sure that I could be a pod person, but now, of course, I'm enjoying it, because you made the aliens come alive. It was like they were living inside of me! Oh, and at first I was nervous about us having sex, but now I think it's a good idea, as long as we do it in a completely professional manner... and of course, you know there will be a lot of people watching. I won't bother you anymore.
[Bowfinger shows Stricter the footage of Kit exposing himself to the Laker Girls]
Terry Stricter: You realize there's not a court in the country that wouldn't consider this blackmail.
Robert K. Bowfinger: You know what? I don't know anything about blackmail... 'cause I'm just a guy, a guy with a great film in the can. All I really need is a shot of Kit saying, "Gotcha, suckas" and a couple of close-ups. Or we've to tag our film with a shot of Kit wagging his thing at the Laker Girls. Which is a great ending. I mean, who wouldn't wanna see that? Although technically, it's not such a good ending for Kit... because it could sort of stop his money flow... and possibly make that family film he's about to do, just pff-ff!
Terry Stricter: We'll have to think about it.
Terry Stricter: I mean, we'll have to think about it... for Kit.
[Bowfinger muses, acts like he's checking his watch]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Now that you and your colleagues here at Mindfu-- head have had a chance to think, what do you say?
Robert K. Bowfinger: Think of this as an errand. Your errand is to run across the freeway until I yell, "Cut!"
Robert K. Bowfinger: Do you have any experience in motion pictures?
Jiff Ramsey: Uh, well, yeah, quite a bit, actually, I have quite a bit of experience. I'm an active, uh, renter at Blockbuster, and I, um, attend the filmed cinema, uh, as much as possible, weekly, bi-weekly, inter-week-... intermediately.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Jiff Ramsey: [sighs] Oh, yes, but, uh, it's usually better if someone else does it. I've had a few... accidents.
Robert K. Bowfinger: And why is this going to work? Because Afrim here is a damn fine screenwriter, as well as accountant and part time receptionist. I said to Afrim "If you can write half as well as you can add-" Well I didn't even have to finish my sentence. Twelve days later he hands me this, this masterpiece. Afrim, tell them what it's called.
Afrim: Chubby Rain.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Tell them why!
Afrim: Because when the aliens come down to earth, they come inside raindrops, making the rain chubby. Chubby rain!
Robert K. Bowfinger: This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: Happy premise #1.
Kit: Happy premise #1: There are no aliens.
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: Happy premise #2.
Kit: Happy premise #2: There is no giant foot trying to squash me.
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: Happy premise #3.
Kit: Happy premise #3: Even though I feel like I might ignite, I probably won't.
Robert K. Bowfinger: [of a prolonged kissing scene audition] Let's try it one more time, uh, Slater, this time *without* the erection.
Robert K. Bowfinger: ...but what are some of your favorite TV shows?
Daisy: I love the Flintstones.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Oh I love the Flintstones too, that's so good, do you like that? Now, okay, do you like walks in the park?
Daisy: In the rain!
Robert K. Bowfinger: Oh God, you know what, I want you to see the Music Man, because...
Daisy: I've seen that! I love the Music Man!
Robert K. Bowfinger: Isn't Robert Preston good?
Daisy: He's so good! Do you LOVE Smashing Pumpkins?
Robert K. Bowfinger: Are you kid - I LOVE to do that!
Robert K. Bowfinger: I'm 49 years old. Admittedly, I could get away with 44, 41, *maybe* 38. But when you hit 50 they don't hire you anymore. It's like they can *smell* 50.
Kit: It's too cerebral! We're trying to make a movie here, not a film!
Robert K. Bowfinger: See that FedEx truck? Every day it delivers important papers to people all over the world. And one day, it is going to stop here, and a man is going to walk up and casually toss a couple of FedExes on my desk. And at that moment, we - and by we, I mean me - will be important.
Jiff Ramsey: Oh, gosh, I'm really hoping to get a career running errands. That'd be a major boost for me.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Wow. Great script. Great script!
[to his dog]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Betsy? It's now or never. We are gonna make a movie.
[on the ending of the script Chubby Rain]
Robert K. Bowfinger: I mean, at the end of this movie. When our hero, Keith Kincade, looks up at the alien anteanae and says "Gotcha suckas!"... I mean, that is a moment.
Robert K. Bowfinger: She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas.
Kit's Agent: This is a great script! Look, it's not Shakespeare, but it...
Kit: Hey, what did you just say?
Agent: I said, 'it's not Shakespeare'...
Kit: 'It's not Shake... ', 'It's not Shake... ' (to Freddy) Do you hear what he's doing?
Freddy: I know he's doing something, I just can't put my finger on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah... What's he doing?
Kit: Shakespeare, Freddy, Shakespeare!
Kit: Shake a spear! Spearchucker! I'm a spearchucker now!
Daisy: I know what's going on. I may be from Ohio, but I'm not from Ohio.
Kit: Go call Arnold and Sly, and Jackie Chan and Van Damme, and tell them the spearchucker said hello!
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: And what is it that we don't do?
Kit: Oh, man!
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: What is it?
Kit: Look, I have to show it to the Laker Girls.
Terry Stricter, MindHead Honcho: You cannot show it to the Laker Girls. I know you want to show it to the Laker Girls but you can never show it to the Laker Girls. Keep Mr Weenie in the pants. Always in the pants.
Kit: The letter K appears in this script 1,456 times. That's perfectly divisible by 3.
Freddy: So what? So what you saying?
Kit: What am I saying? KKK appears in this script 486 times!
[after seeing Dave's camera which he borrowed without permission]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Good camera.
Dave: Yeah. I gotta have it back in every night, or it's a felony. Years you get.
Robert K. Bowfinger: [pats Dave on the shoulder] You'd get.
Daisy: [Delivering her lines] Keith! Get in! We have to get to the alien antenna!
Kit: [Finally convinced it's real] Yes, but we must hurry!
Kit: [Turns to his assistant] I am Kieth!
Robert K. Bowfinger: We need a guy with a fabulous ass! And mine is the wrong color!
Robert K. Bowfinger: I worry about our age difference.
Daisy: Yeah, but whose business is it really if when I hit my sexual peak you'll be 70?
Robert K. Bowfinger: Yeah.
Terry Stricter: Kit, do you think you can keep it together?
Kit Ramsey: Yes, I can keep it together. I'm keepin' it together. I'm K-I-T, Kit. Keep it together. I'm keepin' it together, right now! keepittogetherkeepittogetherkeepittogether. Keepittogher. I'm keepin' it together. Don't I look together?
Bowfinger: We're not doing anything traditional here. We're working in a new style. We're working in - in - eh - Cinema Nouveau.
Carol: Cinema Nouveau. Ahhh... .
Bowfinger: Vixen in stretch pants. "What man wouldn't want a hot virgin?" Okay, you'll do this?
Daisy: Well, if I have to. If it's for the movie and you really, really want me to and if it's not just about nudity; but, if its artistic and it it says something about reality and if its in character and if its for the scene and if its not just a body that...
Bowfinger: Right, right, right, right, right, right... .
Kit: It's people like you that give Mindhead a bad name!
Kit Ramsey: Damn! You're supposed to be the agent! Huh? I tell you what, you better find me a line as good as the time I told Tommy Lee Jones, "Fuck ya'll!" and blew his brains out.
Bowfinger: It's all good. It's all good. It's a - this script is butta!
Kit Ramsey: What?
Bowfinger: Butta! Butta! This stuff is butta. It's a - it's a - it's a - it's - it's - it's all good! It's a jiggy baby. It's a...
Kit Ramsey: Wait. Wait. Hold. Hold. Now, how you know it's all good and jiggy baby?
Bowfinger: Today, I have a very important meeting with Jerry Renfro. If it goes the way I think its going to go, I will see you - at the Oscars.
Afrim: These new hot scenes, the ones in which Daisy exposes her breasts, will increase sales in Thailand.
Bowfinger: Did Daisy agree to this?
Afrim: That is the key; although, I haven't talked to her.
Kit Ramsey: I'm telling you, strange people are coming up to me on the street and they speakin' in Jupitarian or Venutian or somethin'.
Terry Stricter: Okay, now. Strangers come up to you and you don't understand what they're saying.
Kit Ramsey: What is that?
Terry Stricter: Maybe they're fans? Crazy fans?
Kit Ramsey: They and they talk to me. Only they speak to me in some secret, white language that I can't decode! It's horrifying!
Bowfinger: This is one of the *hot* scenes that's about heat and - and - and - chemistry.
Jiff Ramsey: Oh, it must be the artistic portion of the film.
Bowfinger: That's right. So, so give her a little room, react normally, be sensitive above all; because, in this scene, Daisy's going to take off her blouse.
Bowfinger: Do you have any experience in motion pictures?
Jiff Ramsey: Oh, yeah, I have quite a bit, actually. Quite a bit of experience. I'm active renter at Blockbuster and I attend the film to cinema as much as possible. Weekly, bi-weekly, inter-week - intermediate-ly.
Daisy: Its so hard to make love. To give yourself to a man because it's the woman who's entered. Its the woman whose violated.
Bowfinger: I so understand that.
Daisy: To know that the man inside of you is part of you and that he would not prevent that added scene of yours from being shot.
Bowfinger: We're doing the scenes.
Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Jiff Ramsey: Yes, but it's usually better if somebody else does it. I've had a few accidents.
Kit: [as John F. Kennedy] As I stand here before you today, the Laker Girls need to be taken down a peg or two.
[in the next Bobby Bowfinger production, "Fake Purse Ninjas", Bowfinger clasps hands with Jiff]
Robert K. Bowfinger: Good to see you again, brother!
[after Bowfinger's scheme has been exposed, his camera team reveals they have caught footage of Kit Ramsey exposing himself to the Laker Girls]
Robert K. Bowfinger: [smiling deviously] I think we just got our permission.
[Bowfinger has snuck his way onto Kit's property and approaches him with the script for "Chubby Rain"]
Kit: Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
Robert K. Bowfinger: They just buzzed me in. Script delivery from Paramount.
Kit: I ain't expectin' no script from Paramount.
Robert K. Bowfinger: I mean... Universal?
Kit: [beat] Maybe so. Come on.
[Jiff and Daisy are filming a scene for "Chubby Rain"]
Daisy: Keith, I don't know what's right anymore. All I know is I have feelings that make me need you. Need you now!
[She rips off her blouse, exposing herself to Jiff. Jiff laughs awkwardly. He turns and smiles to the crew]
Jiff Ramsey: Awesome!
Jiff Ramsey: You're doing great! You're gonna be a star.
Kit Ramsey: Yeah, go find that script: "Buck, the Wonder Slave."
Freddy: Hey, yo, Kit, you know what's happenin' here? This is just another example of the white man takin' all the best catch phrases and then givin' 'em to Arnold or Stallone.
Kit Ramsey: Exactly. Exactly! Exactly! And Jackie Chan and Van Damme and them can't even speak English good!
Daisy: I love our scenes. Our scenes are the best! But, I should have more scenes with Kit. If I had more scenes with Kit, then that would really - pump up our scenes.
Slater: You know, last night, it was really special.
Daisy: It was. I've never done it lying down before.
Slater: Mmm. You know, next time...
Slater: Next time I think I'd like to do it with just two condoms.
Daisy: Well, if I was in the movie more, yeah.
Terry Stricter: What did this alien want from you?
Kit Ramsey: She wants to inhale my gonads!
Terry Stricter: Say again?
Kit Ramsey: My gonads! My gonads! What they do is they come down to shake your hands. The aliens pretend to be shaking your hands. But, they not! They inhale your gonads and take them back to they're world for special research!
Terry Stricter: Kit, maybe you should stay with us for a few days... in our special celebrity relaxing quarters.
Kit Ramsey: [nervously smiling] You think I need that?
Terry Stricter: I do.
Kit Ramsey: [to one of his entourage] Hey, go get my checkbook! Keep it together.