Samurai Cop

In SAMURAI COP, Asian gang members start yelling at each other, right away! One of them, named Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar), begins killing other gangsters, apparently due to his awesomely enormous beard.

Enter police officer Joe Marshall (Matt Hannon), who starts off wearing my mom's old 1970's wig, before miraculously sprouting hair of his own! A cocaine deal "goes down", leading to a chase, with the cops driving the MYSTERY MACHINE from Scooby Doo! Bad guys are slaughtered like the nameless extras they are, followed by imitation sex between Marshall and his cop / Barbie girlfriend.

Meanwhile, the Asian gangsters scream at each other again, making Yamashita appear sedate by contrast. Marshall and his partner, Frank Washington (Mark Frazer) question a bloody guy in a sheet, while near-mannequins chatter mindless dialogue. Yamashita executes sheet man. Can Marshall catch Yamashita, before the streets run reddish with dayglo blood?

More dimwit dialogue is spoken by semi-sentient fungi posing as "actors", while Hannon teeters between his hippie-haired, toilet cleaner-snorting, Clint Westwood persona, and his goggle-eyed, Rambo / hamster with rotting of the brain. Oh yeah, and does he ever score with the ladies!

The "action" in this bust-a-gut symphony of ineptitude is a schlock addicts dream! Every scene is a priceless, irredeemable collection of nonsense! Not even the full frontal, female nudity can detract or distract from the beautiful, cluster-galaxy of rubbish unfolding before us!

Every fight scene is a ballet of buffoonery! Parts that are supposed to induce tension, only produce uncontrollable laugh spasms! The all-too-frequent sex scenes are like watching trees rubbing against each other in a heavy wind!

Thankfully, Marshall's wig returns, becoming a sort of character in itself. Actually the wig, in addition to being the best actor in the film, adds suspense, since we never know just when it might show up next! The Yamashita beard is a close second, taking our attention away from the boom mic shadow, during a crucial scene. The finale pits the wig against the beard, in a knock down, drag out, sword-swinging grimace fest, featuring wet sandbag punches and more grunting than at a corporate pig farm!

Yes! This is cinema!...

Joe Marshall (goofy beefcake actor Matt Hannon) is a detective trained in the ways of the samurai, and together with his affable partner Frank Washington (Mark Frazer), he goes after the many goons and thugs working for big time Japanese mobster Mr. Fujiyama.

That's about it for plot in this knowingly cheesy, sloppy, and silly martial arts action movie mess, written and directed by Amir Shervan. Obviously he knew exactly what kind of movie he was making, and just had fun with it. Often, "Samurai Cop" offers plenty of bad movie charm, as it clunks along from one inept sequence to another. The acting is hilariously, endearingly dumb across the board, with Hannon as one majorly wooden hero. Frazer has many great facial reactions. The ladies present are delicious eye candy: Melissa Moore as horny cop Peggy, Jannis Farley as leading lady Jennifer, and Krista Lane as a henchwoman. Robert Z'Dar is great fun as Yamashita, the primary henchman.

Marshall dispenses with inept bad guys left, right and centre; ultimately, the movie isn't always terribly funny, and gets a little tiresome, but it's still amusing enough to make it pleasant if not uproarious fare. It could have used some better pacing, but still delivers enough laughs for those B cinema enthusiasts looking to have a night of bad movies and beers.

Six out of 10.

There are good films and there are bad films; and then there are bad films so bad they are actually good... and then there is 'Samurai Cop'. A film in a class of its own, standing tall like a giant, so high above other trashy cinema masterpieces that a regular movie watcher brain cannot even process all the nonsensical visual drivel he has just seen. The quality of this 'masterpiece' surpasses any expectations you might have about cheap-piece-of-juck-90s-'action'-nonsence and enters the realm of surreal. The fact that someone actually bothered to piece together this absurdity into a feature-length film is just mind blowing.

Words might fail while trying to adequately describe this phantasmagorical piece of cinematic perfection. You could write a lengthy article criticizing a terrible acting, editing or utterly ridiculous dialogues. Or the fact that the story is so much saturated with every cliche of 90s action cinema that it cannot be considered as an independent script but rather as an amalgamation of a dozen scrips borrowed from other films. Severe objectification of women and excessive voyeuristic nudity serving no purpose whatsoever might just leave you entirely speechless. And lets not dwell too much on the fact that the main character, supposedly expert in Japanese martial arts, couldn't even throw a decent round house kick, while ridiculous hand gestures he performs during various fights, make American Ninja look like a documentary quality depiction of Ninjutsu. Shot inconsistency, the main character switching from a wig to a real haircut multiple times throughout the film is just an icing on a cake.

Somehow all the critique you could master up about 'Samurai Cop' doesn't seem to make it justice. The overall result is so much worse than the sum of its negative parts that your brains just cannot rationally explain or perceive it. One thing couldn't be denied though, the film is entertaining as hell. And that's, after all, the main point of action cinema - to entertain. In that regard 'Samurai Cop' is truly a film in the class of its own.

Second viewing of this trash epic confirms that my initial 10/10 was anything but unwarranted. You know you're getting awfully close to the absolute nadir of b-movie cinema, to that horrifying point of no return beyond all shame and therefore beyond reproach, when your name is Amir Shervan and you go on to follow up your cheapo Lethal Weapon cash-in called 'Hollywood Cop' with a cash-in on Maniac Cop by casting Robert Z'dar in a movie called 'Samurai Cop', a no-budget action crime flick where Z'dar is neither samurai nor cop (not even a maniac for that matter), where even protagonist Matt Hannon, actor in the broadest sense of the term, looks more like a poolboy instead of a samurai. Of course when you make an entire movie for no other reason than to cash-in on the larger-than-frame persona of an actor who made a career playing such refined characters as Igor, Mongoose, Brutis, Cobra Khan, Bongo and of course let's not forget the aptly descriptive Face (!) in Tango and Cash, it's not so much a question of good or bad, but whether it's going to be "this makes even Battlefield Earth seem watchable" bad or "break out the beers - Lady Terminator" bad.

Thankfully you don't need to get any further than the opening 15 minutes to know the answer to the above question; a staggeringly amazing prologue of b-movie awesomeness which, among other things, serves to introduce the Katana Gang, which counts within its ranks a red-haired chick whose entire contribution to the gang is announcing the entrance of the boss ("The boss is here"), the samurai cop and his mandatory black sidekick indulging in a little sex talk with the blonde helicopter operator bimbette in the middle of a drug bust, sped-up chases followed by amazing dialogue ("shoot", "faster", "shoot", "go faster") and a sex scene with underwear on (hey, it's low budget) between blonde bimbette and lovable hunk Matt Hannon.

What else do you need? Have you ever wondered what the real samurai code is (a real samurai always gets his weapon from his Katana Gang henchman)? Did you always want to know what is the mandatory hairstyle all Katana Gang henchmen ought to keep at all times (a mullet)? Did you always complain to anyone who'd listen that cinema doesn't have enough gay Costa rican waiters cracking jokes about suicide? Were you always itching to see security guards calling for security? The Katana Gang red-haired chick enriching world culture with the line "I'm going to change the trash" (!!)? Everyone in the movie getting sliced up while Matt Hannon is too busy canoodling another bimbo in a pool? Nurses randomly asking Matt Hannon if he wants to have sex with them, then belittling him for his circumcised penis? Matt Hannon pondering on whether he should make the arrest during or after the suspect has finished having sex, finally making his mind only to be stopped by a sliding door (!!!)? A beach house transforming into a house in the suburbs between takes? Well, here's your chance.

Yes, just break out the beers. I've seen quite a few no-budget schlockfests in my time but Samurai Cop stands tall among such venerable classics as Werewolf, Timechasers and American Commando - Angel's Blood Mission 2 as one of the most triumphant displays of unintentionally hilarious genius. See this if you're cool.

SAMURAI COP is another hilariously inept action B-movie from the guy who brought us Killing American Style. I think Amir Shervan's earlier film has the edge in terms of out-and-out cheese and comedy, but SAMURAI COP comes a close second. The title's a misnomer, brought about because there are a couple of samurai swords in the film; otherwise this is the usual cops and robbers stuff as upstanding heroes battle gun-toting criminal gang members.

This film is so much like Killing American Style it feels like they were shot back to back: the movies share cast members and look and feel exactly the same in terms of staging, fight scenes, etc. The staging is staggeringly inept, with most scenes shot in single takes, and the acting is quite horrible. The main actor, Mathew Karedas, has a long hair style that swaps from being real to a woman's wig and back again as the story goes on (the story is that he had his hair cut short halfway through the production so had to wear a wig for the rest of the filming).

SAMURAI COP is a film that nobody can take seriously, so the best thing to do is to sit back and laugh at it. In this respect it becomes something of a gem, an example of so-bad-it's-good entertainment. As with Killing American Style, Robert Z'Dar plays in support as the chief villain. Others must have enjoyed this movie, because a sequel followed in 2014 (!).