[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous!
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice.
[looks at Donkey]
Shrek: It's just a donkey.
Donkey: We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!
[looking for a certain type of flower]
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND!
Donkey: [looks at a hovel] Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That, would be my home.
Donkey: Oh... and it is LOVELY! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.
Princess Fiona: Where are you going? The exit's over there!
Shrek: [going to save Donkey] Well, I have to save my ass.
Princess Fiona: [shocked] What kind of knight ARE you?
Shrek: One of a kind.
Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Shrek: Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes... No!
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. CAKE! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey: Parfait's may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
Donkey: Hi, Princess!
Princess Fiona: It talks!
Shrek: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!
Lord Farquaad: [playing with Gingy's legs] Run, run, run as fast as you can / You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster!
Lord Farquaad: [tossing legs away] I'm not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
[spits in Farquaad's face]
Lord Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll...
Gingerbread Man: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: All right, then! Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread Man: Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man...
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man...
Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with ME! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
Donkey: You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]
Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us!
Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!
Shrek: By who?
Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.
Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
[Donkey thinks he's dying]
The Donkey: Hey, where're you going? Oh man, I can't feel my toes!
[Looks down and yelps]
The Donkey: I don't have any toes!
The Donkey: I think I need a hug.
[arriving at Duloc]
Shrek: [observing a giant building] That must be Lord Farquaad's castle... Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?
[Shrek is hit by an arrow]
Princess Fiona: Oh!... oh, this is all my fault...
Donkey: Why, what's wrong?
Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt!
Donkey: Shrek's hurt? Shrek's HURT? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay!
Donkey: You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
Princess Fiona: [grabs Donkey] Donkey, calm down! If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!
Shrek: What're the flowers for?
Princess Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.
[the dragon has eaten Lord Farquaad and spits out his crown]
Donkey: Huh, celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
[receives applause from the crowd]
Donkey: Good evening, people.
Donkey: You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!
Shrek: [hiding in the toilet] Go away!
Donkey: See? There you are, doing it again! Just like you did to Fiona! All she ever did was like you maybe, even love you!
Shrek: LOVE me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!
Donkey: She wasn't talking about you, okay? She was talking about... uh... somebody else.
Shrek: [comes out] She... wasn't... talking about me?
Captain of Guards: [as Donkey flies through the air on pixie dust] He can talk!
Donkey: That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey! You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkeyfly! Ha, ha!
[pixie dust wears off]
Princess Fiona: [hears a roar] You didn't slay the dragon?
Shrek: It's on my to-do list, now come on!
Princess Fiona: But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying! That's what all the other knights did!
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!
[They pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims]
Princess Fiona: That's not the point...!
Donkey: I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going... take drastic steps, kick it to the curb. Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right now, I'd step all over it...
Shrek: Listen, little donkey, take a look at me! What am I?
Donkey: Ah... really tall?
Shrek: No! I'm an OGRE! You know, "grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey: Really, really.
Shrek: [taken aback] Oh.
Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?
Shrek: Er... Shrek.
Princess Fiona: The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
Donkey: Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in SHORT supply.
Donkey: Yeah! Though there are those who think LITTLE of him!
Magic Mirror: [telling Lord Farquaad about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my Lord, because I'm about to give you today's three eligible bachelorettes.
[the mirror shows images of Cinderella]
Magic Mirror: Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Let's hear it for Cinderella!
[changes to images of Snow White]
Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White!
[changes to Princess Fiona]
Magic Mirror: And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona! So, who will it be? Bachelorette #1? Bechelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3?
[Farquaad's advisors start calling out their choices, with Thelonious saying "#3"]
Lord Farquaad: Uhhh, Number 3!
Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you have chosen... Princess Fiona.
Lord Farquaad: [to his knights] The winner of this tournament - no, no, the privilege - will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, and so on and so forth... Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Princess Fiona: [as ogre] Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.
Donkey: [gasps] Oh, my God, you ate the princess!
Merry Men: [singing] Ta da, da da da da - whoo!
Monsieur Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy...
Merry Man: He takes a wee percentage...
Monsieur Hood: But I'm not greedy - I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good!
Merry Men: What a guy, ha ha, Monsieur Hood!
Monsieur Hood: Break it down...
[Merry Men Irish step dance]
Monsieur Hood: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid...
Merry Men: What he's basically saying is he likes to get...
Monsieur Hood: Paid!
Monsieur Hood: So, when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad.
Merry Man: [joining in] That's bad, that's bad, that's bad!
Monsieur Hood: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad!
Merry Men: He's mad, he's really, really mad!
Monsieur Hood: Now I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys, 'Cause I'm about to start...
[Fiona swoops in and kicks him - the music stops]
Princess Fiona: Man, that was annoying!
Shrek: Princess, I was SENT to rescue you by Lord Farquad, okay? HE's the one that wants to marry you.
Princess Fiona: Well, why didn't he come to rescue me?
Shrek: Good question! You can ask him that when we get there...
Princess Fiona: But I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre a-a-and his PET!
Donkey: Well, so much for noble steed!
Shrek: Look, Princess, you're not making my job any easier...
Princess Fiona: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You tell Lord "Far-Quad" that if he wants to rescue me PROPERLY, I'll be waiting for him right here!
Shrek: Hey! I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy!
Princess Fiona: You wouldn't dare...!
[Shrek carries her off]
Shrek: You coming, Donkey?
Donkey: Yeah, I'm right behind you.
[Donkey keeps humming the "Duloc" song]
Shrek: All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
Donkey: Sorry 'bout that.
[as they approach Fiona's castle, Donkey smells the air]
Donkey: Whoa, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that, my mouth was open and everything!
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead!
Shrek: That's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelled, it wasn't no brim and it didn't come off no stone neither...
[a fairytale book appears]
Shrek: [narrating] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss.
[tears out a page from the book and shuts it]
Shrek: [laughs] Like THAT's ever gonna happen! What a load of...
[flushes toilet and comes out]
[Dragon, having a crush on Donkey, is cuddling him]
Donkey: [desperately talking] I don't want to rush into a... physical relationship... I'm not that emotionally ready for a... uh... commitment of this... uh... magnitude! Really, that's the word I'm looking for, magnitude... Huh! Hey, that is unwanted physical contact! Hey! What're you doing? Okay, okay, okay... let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time... I mean, we should really get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even as pen pals, you know, coz I'm on the road a lot, but I just love to get a card... Hey, hey, hey, don't do that, that's my TAIL, that's my personal tail, you gonna tear it off! I don't give permission to... Hey, what're you gonna do with that? Oh, no, no, no, no... no!
Donkey: Shrek! Hold up, Shrek! You got to wait for the line!
Shrek: [about to burst into the cathedral] What are you talking about?
Donkey: The line, the line you gotta wait for: the priest's gonna say "Speak now or forever hold your piece", and you rush in and say "I object!"
Shrek: I don't have time for all that!
Donkey: [stops Shrek] You love this woman, don't ya?
Donkey: Do you wanna hold her?
Donkey: Please her?
Donkey: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little TENDERNESS! Chicks love that romantic crap!
Shrek: All right, cut it out! When does this guy say the line?
Donkey: ...We gotta check that out.
Donkey: Shrek, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye?
Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make: donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
Princess Fiona: [after Shrek and Donkey rescue her] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no...
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I... have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.
Princess Fiona: But... how will you kiss me?
Shrek: [bangs his head] What? That wasn't in the job description!
The Donkey: Maybe it's a perk!
Princess Fiona: No, it's destiny! You must know how it goes! The Knight rescues the Princess, and then they share true love's first kiss...
The Donkey: With Shrek? Whoa, whoa, whoa... you think, you think that Shrek is your true love?
Princess Fiona: Well, yes!
[Shrek and Donkey look at each other and burst into laughter]
Princess Fiona: What is so funny?
Shrek: Let's just say, I'm not your type, all right?
Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know, throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread? You know, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek: Oh, I know. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Donkey: Uh... no, not really, no.
Donkey: Hey, look at this!
[he goes up to an information booth and pulls a lever. After some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop out and begin singing]
Clockwork Chorus: Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town / Here we have some rules, let us lay them down: / Don't make waves, stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place!
Clockwork Chorus: Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... FACE! / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place!
[the booth takes Donkey and Shrek's photo, showing them stunned]
Donkey: Wow. Let's do that again!
Shrek: [grabs Donkey] No! No, no no no. No.
Shrek: [to Donkey] WHY are you following me?
Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why.
[starts to sing]
Donkey: 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends...
Shrek: STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Donkey: Wow! Only a TRUE friend would be that cruelly honest!
Lord Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Ah, Thelonius?
[Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass]
Lord Farquaad: You were saying?
Magic Mirror: [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...
Lord Farquaad: Go on...
[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp]
Villager 1: There's his lair... let's get him!
Villager 2: Do you know what that thing could do? It'll grind your bones for its bread!
Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin; they'll shave your liver; squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Villager 1: [brandishes a torch at Shrek] BACK! Back, ya beast! Back! I warn ya!
[Shrek licks his fingers and puts out the torch]
Villager 1: Right.
[Shrek roars at the villagers, rendering them petrified for some time]
Shrek: [whispers] This is the part where you run away.
[the villagers scarper off]
Shrek: And stay out!
Donkey: Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp?
Shrek: OUR swamp?
Donkey: You know, when we're though rescuing the princess and all that...
Shrek: Donkey, there's no "we", no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out!
Shrek: [sarcastic] No! You think?
Donkey: Are you hiding something?
Shrek: Let it go, Donkey.
Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.
Donkey: Why won't you talk about it?
Shrek: Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Donkey: Then why are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking!
Donkey: Oh, yes you are!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you...
Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek?
Shrek: EVERYONE! All right?
Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere!
Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete...
Donkey: Princess?... You look... uh... different.
Princess Fiona: [as ogre] I'm UGLY! Okay?
Donkey: Yeah! What was it, something you ate? I told Shrek those weedrats were a bad idea!
Princess Fiona: No. it's... it's been this way as long as I can remember.
Donkey: What d'you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before!
Princess Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down.
[looks at her reflection in a water barrel]
Princess Fiona: "By night one way, by day another / Thus shall be the norm / Till you receive true love's kiss / then, take love's true form."
Donkey: Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
Princess Fiona: It's a spell! When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this, this horrible ugly beast! I was placed in the tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad before the sun sets, and he sees me... like this.
Donkey: All right, all right, calm down. It's not so bad. You're not that ugly... well, you are. I ain't gonna lie, you ARE ugly. But you only look like this at night, Shrek's ugly 24/7!
Princess Fiona: But Donkey, I'm a princess! And this is not how a princess is supposed to look!
Donkey: How about you don't marry Farquaad?
Princess Fiona: I have to. Only the true love's kiss can break the spell.
Donkey: Well, you're kind of an ogre. And you and Shrek, well, you got a lot in common.
Princess Fiona: Shrek?
Shrek: Back off!
Donkey: YOU back off!
Shrek: This is MY swamp!
Donkey: OUR swamp!
Shrek: Let go, Donkey!
Donkey: YOU let go!
Shrek: Stubborn jackass!
Donkey: Smelly ogre!
Shrek: Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is?
[Donkey jumps up and down, shouting out]
Donkey: Oh, I know! I know where he is!
Shrek: Does anyone ELSE know where to find him?
Donkey: Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me!
Donkey: Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
[Shrek and Fiona are having dinner on the last day of their journey]
Princess Fiona: Mmmm... This is good... mmm... this is really good... what is it?
Shrek: A weed rat, cooked rotisserie style!
Princess Fiona: No kidding... Oh, this is delicious!
Shrek: Well, they're also great in stews. Now I don't mean to brag, but I make a MEAN weedrat stew!
[They both look over at the kingdom of Duloc]
Princess Fiona: I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night...
Shrek: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime... I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you: swamp toad soup, fish-eye tartar, you name it!
Princess Fiona: I'd like that...
[he sucks up a weedrat tail, and awkwardly laughs. She smiles back at him, and their eyes meet. In the background, a love ballad, "You Belong To Me," plays]
Shrek: Um... Princess?
Princess Fiona: Yes... Shrek?
Shrek: I... um... I was wondering... are you... um... are you going to eat that?
[he makes a gesture of frustration when she isn't looking. She places the weedrat in his hand, and they lean towards each other... ]
[Shrek bursts into Fiona's and Farquaad's wedding]
Lord Farquaad: Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?
Donkey: [the bridge is swaying] Don't do that!
Shrek: Don't do what? Oh, you mean this?
[makes the bridge sway]
Donkey: Yes, that!
Shrek: Yes. Yes, do it. Okay.
[sways the bridge some more]
Donkey: No, Shrek!
[Fiona notices it's sunset]
Princess Fiona: [uneasy] Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
Shrek: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
Princess Fiona: But, there's... ROBBERS, in the woods!
Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound good!
Shrek: Hey, come on, I'm scarier than anything we're gonna meet in this forest...
Princess Fiona: [in Shrek's face] Find me somewhere to make camp NOW!
[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home]
Donkey: I guess you don't, uh... entertain much.
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey: ...Can I stay with you?
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course!
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be treated as a freak!... Well, maybe you do... but that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please! PLEASE!
[Shrek discovers the seven dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table]
Shrek: Oh, no no no no! Dead broad OFF the table!
Dwarf: Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
[rushes over to his bed to find... ]
Big Bad Wolf: What?
[Shrek burps in front of Donkey and Fiona]
The Donkey: Shrek!
Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
The Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess.
[Fiona burps louder]
Princess Fiona: Thanks.
The Donkey: [to Shrek] She's as nasty as you are.
Donkey: Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right?
[Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre]
Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending...
[Shrek and Fiona kiss]
[Dragon looms above Donkey]
Donkey: Oh, what large teeth you have!
Donkey: I mean, white sparkly teeth! I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach or something 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there! And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know something, you're...
[the Dragon looks closer and Donkey sees she's female]
Donkey: A girl dragon... Oh, sure, I mean of COURSE you're a girl dragon! You're just reeking of feminine beauty and... hey, what's the matter with you, you got somethin' in your eye?
[Dragon blows out a heart-shaped cloud of smoke]
Donkey: Ohh... well, you know, I gotta go. I'm an asthmatic, I don't hold with smoke rings and stuff. SHREK!
[Dragon picks Donkey up and carries him away]
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!
Captain of Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Donkey: ...And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin' outta my butt that day!
Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: How do you know that?
Shrek: I read it in a book once.
Donkey: Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!
[Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky]
The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Shrek: That's the moon.
The Donkey: Oh, okay.
Shrek: So... what did Fiona say about me?
Donkey: Ah, what're you asking me for? Why don't you go and ask her!
Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time!
Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear! Where there's a will, there's a way. And I have a way.
[blows a whistle, and Dragon appears in the sky; an overjoyed Shrek grabs Donkey and cuddles him]
Donkey: All right, all right, that's enough. No one likes a kiss-ass.
Shrek: If I treat you so badly, then why did you come back, huh?
Donkey: Because that's what friends do, they FORGIVE EACH OTHER!
Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you - for stabbing me in the back!
Donkey: Okay, so here's another question: Say there's a woman who digs you, right, but you really don't like her THAT quick - now how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?
Princess Fiona: Just tell her she's not your true love!
Shrek: Donkey? What are you doing?
Donkey: [gathering branches] I would think YOU of all people would recognize a wall when you saw one!
Shrek: Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go AROUND my swamp, not through it!
Donkey: It is around your swamp! That's your half and this's mine!
Shrek: Oh, your half! Hmmm!
Donkey: Yes, MY half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head!
Shrek: Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.
[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]
Donkey: Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on moving, don't look down...
[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey... ]
Donkey: Shrek, I'm looking down!
Princess Fiona: Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case there's...
Princess Fiona: There's an arrow in your butt!
[looks at arrow]
Shrek: Oh, would you look at that?
Princess Fiona: I wanted to show you before...
[turns into an ogre]
Shrek: Well... er... THAT explains a lot.
Lord Farquaad: [revolted] It's disgusting!
Donkey: All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!
Shrek: [to Donkey] I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, understand? NOBODY! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING *DONKEYS*!
Donkey: But... I thought...
Shrek: Yeah, well, you know what? You thought wrong.
Shrek: Um... Fiona?
Princess Fiona: Yes, Shrek?
Shrek: I... I love you.
Princess Fiona: Really?
Shrek: Really, really!
Princess Fiona: Mmmm... I love you too.
[they kiss. Thalonius writes "Awwww" on a cue card for the audience. Fiona floats up in the air and her enchantment breaks in a blaze of light... ]
Princess Fiona: You're an ogre...
Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?
Princess Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh... this is wrong. This is all wrong! It's not supposed to be an ogre!
[Shrek spots a lighted window in the Dragon's castle]
Shrek: Well, at least we know where the Princess is. But where's the...?
Princess Fiona: Shrek? I'm... I'm worried about Donkey, he doesn't look so good...
Donkey: What you talking about? I feel fine!
Princess Fiona: Well, that's what they always say, and then, and then, and then next thing you know you're on your back!
[Donkey leers at Fiona]
Princess Fiona: ...Dead!
Donkey: Oh, now I really see what's going on...
Shrek: I don't know what you're talking about...
Donkey: Hey, I don't even wanna hear... Look, I'm an animal, I got instincts, and I know you two were diggin' on each other!
Shrek: Oh, you're crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Farqusad!
Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go in there and tell her you how you feel!
Shrek: Arrgh! There's nothing to tell! Even if I DID have... I'm not saying I am, 'cause I don't... she's a princess! And I'm...
Donkey: An ogre?
Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.
Donkey: Where're you going?
Shrek: To get... more firewood.
[Donkey looks askance at a full pile of firewood]
[arriving at the Dragon's castle]
Shrek: Sure, it's big enough... but look at the location!
Shrek: Okay, you two, head for the exit!
[Fiona and Donkey run, Shrek grabs a sword]
Shrek: I'll take care of the Dragon...
[Shrek rescues Fiona]
Princess Fiona: What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Princess Fiona: [nods] Mmmh-hmm
The Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that? She called me a "noble steed." She thinks I'm a steed.
Captain of Guards: [to Shrek, after finding him and Donkey in the woods] You there! Ogre!
Captain of Guards: [to both Shrek and Donkey] By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement - facility.
Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?
[the Captain looks behind him and notices that his soldiers have run away, leaving their spears behind. He does the same]
Princess Fiona: Fare thee well, ogre.
[leaves with Farquaad]
[staring up at the starry night]
Shrek: [pointing at a constellation] ... and that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to spit over three wheat fields.
Donkey: Okay, I see it. Hey, Shrek, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. That one is Bloodnok, the Flatulent. You can guess what HE's famous for...
Donkey: Okay, now I know you're making that up!
Shrek: [pointing] No! See, that's him, and this is the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.
Shrek: You know, Donkey, things are more than what they seem, hmm?... Forget it.
[Shrek roars at Donkey]
Donkey: Wow, that was really scary. And if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work your breath will certainly get the job done, cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something cause your breath STINKS!
[Thelonius dunks the Gingerbread Man in a glass of milk]
Lord Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.
Old Woman: [watching Shrek fight] The chair! Give him the chair!
Donkey: [staring at the priest] Mother Fletcher, he already said it!
Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!
Captain of Guards: What have you got?
Old Woman: Well, I have a talking donkey.
Captain of Guards: Really? Well, that's good for ten shillings... if you can prove it.
Old Woman: Go ahead, little fella.
[Donkey says nothing]
Captain of Guards: Well?
Old Woman: He's just a little nervous. He's really quite the chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
Captain of Guards: That's it, I've heard enough. Guards?
Old Woman: No, no! He talks. He does...
[moves Donkey's mouth while trying to throw her voice]
Old Woman: I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
Captain of Guards: Get her out of my sight!
Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.
The Donkey: Wait a minute, I know what's going on. You're afraid of the dark.
Princess Fiona: Why... yes!
The Donkey: Don't worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
The Donkey: [waking up] Uh... What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
[suddenly notices the guards walking by]
The Donkey: [trying to throw his voice] Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey.
Lord Farquaad: [Shrek has barged into the tournament] Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named champion! Have at him!
[all the knights draw their weapons and converge on Shrek]
Shrek: Okay, now... can't we just settle this over a pint!
[holds up a friendly mug, to no avail]
Shrek: No? All right then! COME ON!
[He bursts one of the ale barrels]
Shrek: I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?
[a squad of archers aim at Shrek]
Captain of Guards: Shall I give the order, my Lord?
Lord Farquaad: No. I have a better idea...
Lord Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have...
[gets eaten by Dragon]
Captain of Guards: [snaps a witch's broomstick in half] Your flying days are over!
[Monsieur Hood abducts Fiona]
Shrek: Hey, that's my princess! Go find your own!
[Blind Mouse is on Shrek's shoulder, sniffing]
Blind Mouse: I found some cheese.
[Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear]
Blind Mouse: Ugh! Awful stuff.
Lord Farquaad: [Slowly and dramatically to the looking glass] Magic... mirror... on... the wa...
Gingerbread Man: DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING!