Dave the Lighting Guy: I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band!
Dave the Lighting Guy: Say, have you seen that movie Clash of the Titans?
Joe Young: Oh yeah, the greek mythology.
Dave the Lighting Guy: Hey, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick ass!
Dave the Lighting Guy: Dude, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you got a hot ass!
Joe Young: Thanks.
Joe Young: They want me to do a sequel.
Lisa: A sequel, to "Death of a Salesman"? Doesn't he die at the end of the first?
Joe Young: Yes, but he has a twin brother, and he wants revenge.
Lisa: Revenge? But, doesn't he kill himself?
Joe Young: No, no, that's what you were led to believe. He was killed by the C.I.A for selling smack... to Nazis...
[Joe is introduced to the young actresses he'll be co-starring with]
Joe Young: Oh... I, I can't say that.
Maxxx Orbison: Say what?
Joe Young: What are they called?
Maxxx Orbison: The Assfuck Twins.
Joe Young: I can't say that. Can we call them something else?
Maxxx Orbison: But they're the Assfuck Twins.
Joe Young: Well I know, but um, couldn't I call them the Naughty Twins or something?
Maxxx Orbison: No, you *couldn't* just call them the Naughty Twins. They're the Assfuck Twins. Why would you call them The Naughty Twins when they get fucked in the ass all the time?
Joe Young: Well, that's pretty naughty.
Maxxx Orbison: What's your name, again?
Sancho: I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time. What makes you think that you'd be good enough for porno?
Sancho: I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: Great... but what do you do?
Sancho: What do I do? I am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: And...?
Sancho: And there are many Jeffs in the world, and many Toms as well. But I... am Sancho.
Maxxx Orbison: And...?
Sancho: Are you Sancho? No you are not. Neither is Scott Baio Sancho. Frank Gifford is not Sancho. But I...
Maxxx Orbison: You... are Sancho!
Sancho: That's right.
Maxxx Orbison: Okay, you're hired.
Dave the Lightning Guy: [to Joe] I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight.
White Stunt Cock: [to the filmmakers] Hey, how ya doin'?
White Stunt Cock: [to Joe Young] Hey, how ya doin'?
White Stunt Cock: [to Candi, Saffi, and Ben] Hey, how ya doin'?
[Graphic sex begins offscreen]
Dave the Lighting Guy: [as Joe is about to film his first scene] Lights are on and stable captain. WOO-HOO, let's see some fuckin' action!
Lisa: I hope you're happy in the life you've chosen.
Joe Young: Don't quote Dickens in my apartment!
Joe Young: You see, when the Mormons first arrived, they didn't have any money...
DVDA Porn Actress: They should've done DVDA.
Joe Young: DVDA?
DVDA Porn Actress: Yeah, double-vaginal double-anal. It's the only way a woman of my age will get work in this industry. If you don't think that splits me open like a turkey on Thanksgiving, heh...
Dave the Lighting Guy: HEY, LADY! We're ready for the DVDA shot!
DVDA Porn Actress: [smiles] Nice talkin' with ya, kid.
Maxxx Orbison: Put your tongue in her mouth, for Christ's sake!
Joe Young: How would Christ benefit from me putting my tongue in someone's mouth?
Joe Young: I'm not a superhero! I'm a Latter-Day Saint.
Lisa: [to Maxxx] You pig, you're responsible for degrading all of those women.
Clark: Equally degradable in pornographic films.
Lisa: Men are always in a position of power.
Rodgers: They're the ones who want the product so bad, they're the victims.
Lisa: Well, it exploits men by exploiting women.
Clark: Hence, it exploits people.
Maxxx Orbison: [pissed off] SHUT UP!
Maxxx Orbison: I do what i do and i make a lot of money and i don't care what i do to people because they're all idiots.
Maxxx Orbison: Especially you Clark, you pig fucking hunk of shit!.
Ben Chapelski: Whoa! DVDA shot! So, you up for some sushi?
[a nude mariachi band is playing at Maxxx Orbison's party]
Dave the Lighting Guy: These guys kind of sound like Depeche Mode!
[DVDA singing "Now You're a Man, Man"]
DVDA: What makes a man, is it the woman in his hands / Just 'cause she's got big titties / Is it the way he fights every day / Naw, it's probably the titties / Now you're a man, (hey) a man, a man, a man / Now you're a man, man, (hey) a man, a man, a man, /Now you're a man, man, (hey) an M-A-N man, man, man, man / Now you're a man
Ben Chapelski: Let's see how you like my... COCK ROCKET!
Joe Young: We're from The Church of Jesus Christ.
Old Lady: Oh, the Mormons?
Joe Young: That's right. I'm elder Young and this is elder White.
Old Lady: Well, you two boys can just fuck right off.
Joe Young: Ma'am?
Old Lady: You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul soliciting pigfuckers.
[Joe Young has just zapped Maxxx Orbison several times with the Orgazmorator]
Ben Chapelski: Dude! He's never gonna wanna have another orgasm again!
Joe Young: One more time for Jesus.
[Dave recounts a painful memory of why he quit Hamster Style kung fu]
Young Ben: Dad?
Ben's Father: Hmm?
Young Ben: I don't think I'm gonna do Hamster Style anymore.
Ben's Father: That's nice.
[Flashback pans back to the present]
Ben Chapelski: [tearfully] And that's how it went down, man!
Dave the Lighting Guy: Everybody say, "Geddy Lee!"
Joe Young: Who's Geddy Lee?
Dave the Lighting Guy: Geddy Lee, best bass player EVER, come on!
Everybody: Geddy Lee!
[Dave snaps photo]
Joe Young: But if you're such a scientific genius,don't you think Heavenly Father has something more important planned for your life?
Ben Chapelski: Who?
Joe Young: You.
Ben Chapelski: ...What?
Maxxx Orbison: You get me some nice close-ups... and you give me a nice slow zoom, starting with a medium closeup on the cock... and then widening out to an establishing shot.
Camera Man: Genius.
Maxxx Orbison: Okay people, let's go! Lights on!
Dave the Lighting Guy: Lights are on. It's stable, Captain, Woohoo! Let's see some fuckin' action!
Maxxx Orbison: Dave?
Dave the Lighting Guy: Yeah?
Maxxx Orbison: Calm down.
Dave the Lighting Guy: Right. Sorry.
Georgi: My doctor says now I have enough silicone in my body to kill a small elephant! Isn't that cool?
Saffi: Oh, give it to me, you big stud!
Rodgers: I'm not a stud!
Rodgers: I am not a stud! I'm...
[takes off his mask to reveal Clark]
Clark: ...JIZZ MASTER ZERO!
Interviewer: What's the difference between Orgazmo and your previous porn titles, like Schindler's Fist?
Maxxx Orbison: I really think history will describe Orgazmo better than I possibly could.
Doctor: Your testicles have grown to the size of Florida oranges.
Maxxx Orbison: Don't you think I notice THAT? Tell me something I don't know, you cocky PRICK!
Doctor: I am going to have to amputate your pee pee.
G-Fresh: Those punks from across the street came in the other day and just whupped my sorry black ass!
T-Rex: Hi fellas, I'm ready to fuck.
T-Rex: You want me on top?
Orgazmo: Uh... NO! I'll be on top!
T-Rex: You're gonna make me cum, or I'm gonna kick your butt!
Maxxx Orbison: Aaaand... action!
[T-Rex throws Orgazmo down and starts dry humping him]
T-Rex: Oh! Come on nah! Come on nah! You make me so hot nah! You make me so hot!
Ben Chapelski: I tell ya, Joe, there's nothing sadder than a sad Japanese man.
[G-Fresh gets hit in the head with a bat several times offscreen. When it shows him again, he only has a bloody lip]
G-Fresh: Aw, dat hurt so much!
Saffi: Who will I be fucking in this scene?
Maxxx Orbison: Um, you'll be fucking Ben and Rodgers. By the way, this is our new Orgazmo.
Saffi: Hi. Are we fucking?
Maxxx Orbison: No, we'll be bringing in a stunt cock.
Saffi: And I'm NOT doing any ass-licking in this scene!
Maxxx Orbison: Yes, yes, no ass-licking!
Saffi: I'm not an ass-licker!
Maxxx Orbison: [shaking his head] Give 'em an inch, and they take a mile.
Joe Young: [praying] If You don't want me to do this, just give me a sign.
[an earthquake tears through Hollywood]
Joe Young: Any sign at all.
Lisa: Excuse me, could you tell me what movie this is?
Video Store Clerk: [laughs] What movie this is? Where have you been, under a rock?
Lisa: No, I'm from Utah.
Video Store Clerk: Oh. Sorry.
[G-Fresh's sushi bar has just been wrecked by thugs]
Joe Young: We should call the police!
Girl at Sushi Bar: The police? Where are you from, Arizona?
Joe Young: No, Utah.
Girl at Sushi Bar: Oh. Sorry.
Dave the Lighting Guy: My name's Dave.
Sancho: I am Sancho. Don't mean to sound like queer, but I find fire very romantic.
Lisa: How could you have sex with all of those women?
Joe Young: I didn't it was a stunt cock
Lisa: A stunt cock? So you aren't touching all of those women's breasts?
Joe Young: Oh no they're all just special effects
Joe Young: ...no
Lisa: Men like you make me sick! Jesus is going to put an end to you.
Maxxx Orbison: If Jesus Christ wants to bring Maxxx Oribson down, he's going to need a lot of help.
[Joe rescues Lisa, who is bound and gagged]
Joe Young: Lisa, are you OK? Did he hurt you?
Lisa: Mmmph! Mmmph!
Joe Young: Oh, I'm sorry. Here.
[Joe rips off the adhesive tape off Lisa's mouth]
Joe Young: Oh, Lisa, I'm sorry! What were you trying to say?
Lisa: Don't pull the tape off my mouth.
Maxxx Orbison: Or else you'll be sleeping with the fishes. See?
Dave the Lighting Guy: I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but...
Mariachi Band: Mi Verga es chiquita y muy fea... y todo el mundo lo sabe...