[about the driver-shaped airbag]
Kevin Brown/K: Does that come standard?
Agent J: Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.
Frank the Pug: [Frank sings "I Will Survive"] And now you're back from outer space, / I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, / I should've changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, / If I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. / Go on, now go! Walk out the door...
Agent J: Frank! Move your head inside this window, before I roll it up in there.
Frank the Pug: [Sits further away from the window] Got it!
[Starts humming "I Will Survive" melody again, looking anxiously out the window]
Agent J: [shouts] Frank!
Agent J: Wait, what are you doing?
Kevin Brown/K: I always do the driving.
Agent J: Oh, no...
Kevin Brown/K: I remember that.
Agent J: No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn. See, I drive the new hotness.
[pointing at Kay]
Agent J: Old and busted.
[pointing at himself]
Agent J: New hotness.
[Kay looks at Jay for a second, then J hands the keys over]
Agent J: Old, busted hotness...
[after K shoots Jeebs in the head]
Agent J: You're back.
Kevin Brown/K: No.
Agent J: Then how did you know that his head would grow back?
Kevin Brown/K: [surprised] It grows back?
Jeebs: [as his head grows back] Real nice! But that's the last time I ever help out a friend!
[as Jeff devours the commuter train from one end, the passengers crowd at the head of the train in panic. The conductor comes out]
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: Everybody out before I start knocking heads here!
Agent J: You get in that cabin, and you put the hammer down on this thing!
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: I'm Captain Larry Bridgewater, and I decide what happens on this train.
Agent J: Oh, oh. You decide? Oh. Okay. Come here. Come here.
[J steers Larry to the rear of the crowd, and points]
Agent J: Larry, that's my man Jeff.
[Jeff takes another huge bite out of the back of the train]
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: Larry just made a decision.
Agent J: Yeah, Larry needs to take his ass back in that cabin!
Agent K: You did not see a room full of shiny weapons, you did not see four alien night crawlers. You will love and cherish each other for the rest of your life.
Agent J: Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and stuff...
[last lines]
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures: [in J's locker] All hail J! All hail J!
Agent J: Why did you put them rats in my locker, man?
Agent K: I thought it would put things in perspective for you.
Agent J: No, K, it's actually kind of sad, really. We need to let them out of there. I mean, they need to know that the world is bigger than that.
Agent K: Still a rookie.
[Kicks open a door to a room filled with gigantic aliens]
Jeebs: You remember me?
Kevin Brown/K: Can't say I do. I'm pretty good with faces,
[Points at Jeebs's nose]
Kevin Brown/K: I think I'd remember that.
Jeebs: [Chuckles] The great K is a neutral.
Kevin Brown/K: You're standing between me and my memories, pal. You have this deneuralyzer thing or not?
Jeebs: Mmm, no. Brushed out.
[J and K stare at him]
Jeebs: Can't help you.
[They continue staring]
Jeebs: Don't got it...
[J and K continue to stare. Jeebs cracks]
Jeebs: Even if I did... If it doesn't work, K dies, you blow my head off! If it does work, I brought back K who, just for the fun of it, blows my head off! So, what's MY incentive?
[K points his gun at Jeebs' head]
Jeebs: [weak laugh] Okay homey, I keep it downstairs next to the snowblower.
[K smiles, satisfied]
Newton: A neuralize...
[Agent J neuralizes Newton]
Agent J: Ok. First, get some contact lenses, cause those jaunts look like they could pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass outta your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old.
Kevin Brown/K: Agent J?
Agent J: Aight! Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.
[J leaves]
Newton, Hailey: You wanna go to Cambodia?
Hailey: Yeah.
Newton: Hey, Mom?
[Newton picks up a shovel]
Serleena: Silly little planet. Anyone could take over the place with the right set of mammary glands.
[to an agent who laughs at him]
Frank the Pug: Got kids?
Agent: No.
Frank the Pug: Want 'em?
[bares his teeth, attacks the agent]
Agent J: [Looking at the picture of K and the pizza guy] You're pointing at something.
[looks around]
Agent J: The astronaut.
[goes to the astronaut picture]
Agent K: [notices a key hanging where the picture points] Jay...
Agent J: [looks at the astronaut pictude] Alright, now he's pointing. He like, he like.
[goes to the ovens, seeing pizza boxes stacked like a diamond shape]
Agent J: Who would stack pizza boxes like this? A pizza box stacker is not stacking pizza boxes; he's leaving clues. It's an arrow.
Agent K: Jay...
Agent J: You're slowing me down slick. Whatever we're looking for is in these cabinets right here!
[opens up the cabinets and takes out a can of anchovies]
Agent J: Anchovy fillets in virgin olive oil!
Agent K: [looks at the can of anchovies dubiously and takes the key] I hope I'm not slowing you down.
Agent J: Good work, partner.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, the Drolecks are gone and the treaty is signed.
Zed: Good work!
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, what about that position you promised me in Men In Black?
Zed: Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program. I'll keep you posted.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Wait a minute! That's not what you promised me!
Zed: You're breaking up, can't hear you.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed! Hello? Zed?
Zed: I'll call you back...
[starts walking away]
Undercover alien intelligence officer: I could be Agent M!
Agent J: Why did you join MiB?
Agent T: Six years in the Marines. Love to serve, love the action.
Agent J: You wanted to play hero. Well, you joined the wrong organization. You ever hear of James Edwards?
Agent T: No.
Agent J: Well, he saved the lives of fifteen people tonight. But nobody knows he exists. And if nobody knows he exists, how can anybody love him?
Kevin Brown/K: [he and Jay are at a locker at Grand Central Station; Kay doesn't know what's in the locker] Why don't you go grab us some coffee while I do this?
Agent J: Oh, sure thing. How do you take it? Black? Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass?
Kevin Brown/K: I don't know what's in there. I don't want you to get hurt. So step back.
Agent J: Kay, for real man, open the damn locker.
[Kay opens the locker to find a "town" of small creatures]
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures: K, he's back! The light giver! All hail K! All hail K! Oh K can you see by the dawn's early light...
Agent J: [looks inside the locker in disbelief] You are the man who would be king of the train locker.
Agent J: Could I have your attention, please?
[Neuralyzes the crowd]
Agent J: Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would have been EATEN. 'Cause you don't listen! You're ignorant! How's a man gonna come crashin' through the back of a subway win - that's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers! "Oh no, we've seen it all!" "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us Mr. Black Man!" I ask you nicely to move forward to the next car, y'all just sit there like...
[Gathers himself and Neuralyzes the crowd again]
Agent J: The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, you all have a nice evening.
[He leaves, neuralyzing Larry in the driver's seat on his way]
Agent J: Kid? While you were off licking stamps I saved the world from a Crelon invasion.
Kevin Brown/K: The Crelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?
Jeebs: If I could have your attention while we go over the safety procedures. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and if at any point you become disoriented, there's nothin' we can do about it.
Jeebs: Now, have you removed all of your jewellery?
[K stares at him, saying nothing]
Jeebs: Are you allergic to shellfish?
Agent J: Jeebs!
Jeebs: Right then! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!
[Jeebs turns on and sets up his equipment]
Agent J: You ever used this thing before?
Jeebs: I used the exhaust once to make some hot-air popcorn, that's about it.
[K turns his head to look at Jeebs, startled]
Jeebs: OK! Let's make it happen, Cap'n!
Frank the Pug: D'ya tell the girl you love her?
Agent J: Hey, man, she's a witness to a crime, that's it.
Frank the Pug: Yada, yada, you're attracted. She's not even my species, and I'm attracted.
Agent J: Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly, and for making that many copies!
[Agents J and T have dinner at a restaurant]
Agent T: Oh, good pie!
Agent J: Oh, yeah.
[T starts crying]
Agent J: What's wrong, man? The pie not good?
Agent T: You're gonna neuralyze me!
Agent J: No...
Agent T: Yes! You brought me to a public place so I wouldn't make a scene!
Agent J: You ARE making a scene!
Agent J: I need a containment crew at the subway station at 81st Street. Revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately. Have a team escort him back to the subway. And would someone PLEASE check the expiration date on the Unipod worm tranquilizers?
[after Jay shows Kevin/Kay that every other employee in the post office is an alien]
Kevin Brown/K: The wife and I went to Vegas and saw Siegfried and Roy make a pair of white tigers fly around the room. Your act's nothing special, slick.
Worms: K, you're back, they told us you were dead, you look good!
Agent J: Would somebody PLEASE explain to me why I have a dead Tricranosloth going through Passport Control?
MIB Autopsy Agent: That would be my fault, sir. I'm very sorry, sir. Please don't neuralize me, sir!
Agent J: Wha' the hell's that supposed to mean?
Agent J: [takes Kevin/K into the Deneuralizer room] The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.
Kevin Brown/K: Okay.
[pointing at the deneuralizer]
Kevin Brown/K: What's that thing?
Agent J: The deneuralizer...
Agent J: Didn't your mother ever give you a Gameboy?
Kevin Brown/K: WHAT is a Gameboy?
Agent J: [Jay is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here.
Worms: [Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh!
Agent J: Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.
Laura: Which one's Neeble?
Agent J: Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?
Neeble: Yo, mama!
Agent J: Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.
[Jay exits]
Worms: Twister!
MIB Guard: It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causing all kinds of hell.
Kevin Brown/K: We are who we are... even if we sometimes forget it.
Kevin Brown/K: How ya doing?
Agent J: Good.
Kevin Brown/K: Listen, we've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk about it?
Agent J: No.
Kevin Brown/K: I can help.
Agent J: No.
Zed: [walks into the room] Still sulking?
Kevin Brown/K: [at the same time as J] Yeah.
Agent J: [at the same time as K] No.
Zed: You miss her, it happens to all of us. There was this young, hot thing I knew once. When our bodies were intwined, in the positions of the Kamasutra...
Agent J: Zed!
[Grins and chuckles]
Agent J: Come on, man! Damn!
Frank the Pug: [walks in] I'll tell you about dames. They say they wanna be scratched behind the ears, but what they REALLY want is...
[growls]
Agent J: Hey! Come on...
Frank the Pug: What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?
Agent J: No.
[to Frank]
Agent J: No advice...
Agent J: [to K] ... no talking...
Agent J: You don't remember me, but we used to work together...
Kevin Brown/K: I never worked in a funeral home.
Agent J: Look, I know you're a little scared. And I'm gonna keep it real with you, I'm a little scared too.
Kevin Brown/K: I'm not scared.
Agent J: Me neither. I just thought we was bonding.
Agent J: Whoo! Flushed! Yeah, man, back when you was an agent, you used to love gettin' flushed. Yeah, every Saturday night, you'd be like "flush me, J! Flush me!" and I'd be like "Naw... " You can't quit on me now, K.
Kevin Brown/K: I save to world, you tell me why I stare at the stars.
Agent J: Cool.
Agent J: Sweet dreams, big boy!
[jabs the tranquilizer into Jeff, only aggravating him. After a few moments time, J reloads the tranquilizer]
Agent J: Whoo! Sweet...
[is launched forward]
Agent J: dreeeeeeaaaaaaams...
[crashes through the back window of a subway car]
Agent J: ... big boy. Transit authority people! Please move to the forward car, we got a bug in the electrical system!
[passengers ignore him]
Agent J: Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system!
[Jeff bites off a large portion of the subway car, and the passengers start running to the front]
Agent J: Oh, now y'all runnin'! Now y'all... No, no, no! Sit down! Sit down! It's only a 600-foot worm!
Agent J: Am I supposed to take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?
Frank the Pug: Easy, pal. That's canine profiling, and I resent it.
[J tangles with Serleena's tentacles]
Agent J: I'm about to lay the smackdown on your candy-ass!
Agent J: [after Jay stopped the countdown launch that was to send Laura into space] What do you mean, just leave you? I never run out on a fight.
Laura: He took your gun. Cracked you on the head.
Agent J: And...
Laura: Slammed you across the room. Half the time you were on your back.
Agent J: That's how I fight.
[J blows Jeebs's head off]
Jack Jeebs: Oh, great, right in the pie-hole... now nothing's gonna taste right!
[K is taking potshots at Jeff using small Pistol-like weapon]
Agent J: Might I suggest a bigger gun?
[the deneuralizer has just ejected K and thrown him across the room]
Jeebs: Perfect!
Agent J: Just about everybody who works in this post office is an alien.
[Opens up the aail sorter, revealing that there is an alien with a cigarette sorting the mail inside]
Kevin Brown/K: [takes the cigarette out of the alien's mouth] No smoking!
[moves off, the alien puts another cigarette in his mouth and continues to sort the mail]
[first lines]
Mysteries in History Narrator: Mysteries in History with your host, Peter Graves!
Peter Graves: Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence, a quasi-government agency known as the Men in Black supposedly carries out secret operations here on Earth in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies. Here is one of their stories that never happened, from one of their files that doesn't exist...
Serleena: You lost, you insignificant little speck! You wasted 20 years of my time, and for what? The complete destruction of the Zarthas, all because you went mushy!
Agent K: I'm giving you one last chance to surrender, you slimy Kylothian invertebrate.
Serleena: Oh, what are you gonna do?
Agent K: Not me, him...
Agent J: [behind Serleena] Your flight's been cancelled!
[blasts Serleena]
Laura: When we're kids, before we're taught how to think or what to believe, our hearts tell us there is something else out there. I know what I saw. You tell me what I'm supposed to believe.
Kevin Brown/K: What's this?
[Pokes his finger into a suspended sphere of water]
Tiny Alien: [a massive finger is looming out of the sky] All is lost! All is lost!
Agent J: Don't touch that!
Kevin Brown/K: I didn't do anything.
Frank the Pug: How about we do the good cop, bad cop routine? You can interrogate the witness, and I growl. Grrrrr...
Agent J: Aww, naw wait, how about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?
MIB Customs Agent: Purpose of visit?
Serleena: Education. I really want to learn how to be an underwear model. They say I've got real potential.
[opens jacket]
Jarra: They caught me siphoning ozone from their atmosphere to sell on the black market. They're very touchy about this global warming thing.
Jarra: Hello, Jay. Long time.
Agent J: Jarra! What's up, man? Wow, you look great! What's it been? Five years?
Jarra: And forty-two days, thanks to you. You count every one when you're locked away like a primate.
Agent J: Well, you shouldn't have been trying to steal our ozone.
[to Laura, who is about to be launched into space]
Agent J: Be there in one minute, sweetie.
Jarra: [drops his robe to reveal he has made copies of himself] Over our dead titanium bodies.
Agent J: Two minutes.
[Jarra's copies attack Jay]
Agent J: Uh, let's play this one by ear.
[Frank is wearing his very own MIB suit]
Frank the Pug: J! Wait up! I appreciate this shot man. Thought I'd never get out of that mailroom.
Agent J: Lose the suit!
Frank the Pug: Sure thing partner. No problemo. Just going for the look. But if I say so myself, I do find the overall effect very slimming!
Serleena: Oh, yummy. Somebody I need to eat.
Kevin Brown/K: [shows a self-portrait with a UFO in the background] Look at that, weird huh?
Agent J: [hands it back] Yeah, you're smiling.
Serleena: [about Z] Oh, so feisty!
Agent K: [to Laura] You're just as beautiful as your mother...
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Hello? Z? I could be Agent M!
[at passport control]
MIB Customs Agent: Any fruit or vegetables?
Serleena: [motioning towards Scrad] Yeah, two heads of cabbage.
Agent J: Stay!
Frank the Pug: Listen, partner. I may look like a dog, but I only play one here on Earth.
Agent J: OK, wipe your mouth.
Agent J: [Jeff has nearly destroyed a subway train; Jay aims his gun at Jeff] Don't make me do this, Jeff!
Cockroach: [after K was going to step on him but didn't] Damn decent of you.
Laura: An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished in front of my eyes because of a woman with things coming out of her fingers and a two-headed guy with the IQ of a cannoli. So yeah, everything's okay.
Agent J: [to K] You never sent it off the planet. It's still here.
Agent J: [Removes neuralizer from his pocket] I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to...
Laura: kill me?
Agent J: No, just as little flash and everything goes back to the way it was.
Laura: After you flash me, if I see you again will I know it's you?
Agent J: I'll see you, but you won't see me.
Laura: Must be hard. Must be very lonely.
Serleena: I lose, you lose, I win, everything keeps spinning.
Agent Kay: [he, J, and the worms have arrived at MIB headquarters to rescue Laura] Get to the launch pad on the roof. The bracelet shows the departure point. And no matter what happens, do not come back for me. That's an order.
Agent J: What do you mean?
Agent Kay: Do not come back for me.
Agent J: Worm guys, give me some cover fire.
Worms: Too scared. Can't move.
Agent J: [after seeing the Grand Central Station locker creature's "large adult entertainment section"] That's just nasty.
Agent Kay: [after saving J from an alien ambush] Looks like you were in a pretty tight spot, kid.
Agent J: I had this one handled.
Agent Kay: You need a partner.
Agent J: I had one; job got too tough for him.
Agent Kay: I'm back. You got some dust on your coat.
Agent J: So, you got your memory back.
Agent Kay: Yes.
Agent J: What the hell's going on?
Agent Kay: Don't know.
Agent J: Okay, what is the Light of Zartha?
Agent Kay: Never heard of it.
Agent J: Cool.
Serleena: Oops... teeth!
[gets eaten by Jeff]
