Wild Wild West (1999)
Kevin Kline: Artemus Gordon, President Grant
Photos
Quotes
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President Grant : And you, West, not every situation calls for your patented approach of "shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two."
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[Artemus is wearing a bulletproof vest]
Artemus Gordon : I only have one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much.
Dr. Arliss Loveless : Shoot him in the head.
Artemus Gordon : [quietly] Damn.
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Capt. James West : Gordon, what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?
Artemus Gordon : Excuse me?
Capt. James West : Well, that's what you're here for, right? You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
Artemus Gordon : [chuckling maniacally] Oh ho ho, I see. *Now* I'm the "master of this mechanical stuff." As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless...
[throws back his head and shouts]
Artemus Gordon : JIM WEST!
["Jim West" echoes through the canyon]
Artemus Gordon : ...decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, with that demented maniac hurtling towards our President, with our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking over the country!
Capt. James West : Gordon, I think you need to calm down.
Artemus Gordon : I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF! You want to get your collar off? I'll get it off!
[waves his empty hand]
Artemus Gordon : I don't have a gun, otherwise I'd shoot it off!
[grabs a rock]
Artemus Gordon : Here, here's something! In the true Jim West style, I'll just bash it with a rock!
Capt. James West : Gordon, you don't want to do that...
Artemus Gordon : Oh, but I do!
[does so]
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Artemus Gordon : She's a breath of fresh ass.
Capt. James West : Pardon me?
Artemus Gordon : What?
Capt. James West : You said "ass."
Artemus Gordon : No, I didn't. I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."
Capt. James West : Let's just get some shut ass.
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Capt. James West : Loveless has kidnapped metallurgists, so whatever he's building is going to have armor. He's kidnapped chemists, so it'll have explosives. And you've said that Rita's father is the biggest expert on hydraulics in the world, so it's going to move. What could he be building that will make the president surrender the U.S. Goverment?
Artemus Gordon : A bedside heater.
Capt. James West : What?
Artemus Gordon : Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there.
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Capt. James West : I thought I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath.
Artemus Gordon : An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize.
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Artemus Gordon : Oh, look. My auxiliary tool kit, I forgot all about it. It must have fallen out of my pocket.
Capt. James West : Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?
Artemus Gordon : That's the first place Loveless would have looked.
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President Grant : Gentlemen, you'll be happy to know that I'm starting a new agency, whose sole purpose is the protection of the President. Welcome to the Secret Service, Agents Number One, and Number Two.
Artemus Gordon : Thank you, Mr. President.
[pause]
Artemus Gordon : Sir, if you don't mind my asking, which of us is Number One and which is Number Two?
President Grant : I don't think that really matters, Gordon, do you?
Artemus Gordon : Not if you don't, sir.
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[last lines, as Jim and Artemus are riding away on Loveless' spider]
Artemus Gordon : Jim?
Capt. James West : What now, Artie?
Artemus Gordon : Mind if I ask you a question?
Capt. James West : Actually, I do, Artie.
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Artemus Gordon : I've been trying to place myself in Loveless' shoes.
Capt. James West : Good luck with that one.
Artemus Gordon : What could this demented maniac with no reproductive organs, want with Rita?
Artemus Gordon : [Rita falls through the train's sliding roof, beside West, unseen by Gordon] Which is not to say Rita doesn't possess a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting. My god, the curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom. So full, so sumptous, so...
Artemus Gordon : [turns and notices Rita] ... what were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party? This is what really puzzles me, did you have any idea there were so many, so foreign, so...
[quietly to West]
Artemus Gordon : How long has she been here?
Capt. James West : Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.
Artemus Gordon : I am profoundly sorry.
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Artemus Gordon : [as they're deciding what to wear for Loveless's masked ball] ... Gypsy Queen... pirate... Ah. How about this? You can come as my manservant.
Capt. James West : [comically stereotypical voice] Why, yes'um, Master Gordon; Oh I swears, I'd be delghtedi! I sing, I dance for you, sir! Oh, and I swears none of the other white folks'll knows
[normal voice]
Capt. James West : I'd rather shoot myself than play your damn manservant.
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[West's face is magnetically joined to Gordon's crotch]
Capt. James West : Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out.
Artemus Gordon : Don't worry.
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[preparing to try their flying machine]
Artemus Gordon : Hold on. Avanti!
[the bicycle speeds forward]
Artemus Gordon : Avanti! Avanti!
Capt. James West : Why isn't this thing avanti-ing?
Artemus Gordon : We're not getting enough lift! We need more speed!
[He turns toward a cliff]
Capt. James West : Artie, that's a cliff!
Artemus Gordon : Yes, I know!
Capt. James West : That means the ground is gonna end!
Artemus Gordon : Yes, I know!
Capt. James West : Gordon... Gordon... GORDON!
[the machine goes off the edge of the cliff... and sails into the air]
Artemus Gordon : It works! It works!
Capt. James West : If you had to get one right, Artie, I'm sure glad it was this one.
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[as the Tarantula approaches a small town]
Dr. Arliss Loveless : Mr. President, for the last time, sign the surrender, or I will decimate this town!
President Grant : You've had my answer.
Dr. Arliss Loveless : Well, I understand your position, sir, but I urge you to reconsider, in light of the following!
[opens fire]
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Capt. James West : Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to see that you weren't a woman.
Artemus Gordon : I was propositioned by three men.
Capt. James West : You looked nasty, just butt ugly. Your breasts were hard and stiff, and sticking out like rusty cannons on a sunken ship.
Artemus Gordon : [puts on his costume breasts] These breasts are a work of art. Aesthetically, and scientifically perfect.
Capt. James West : They look like shit.
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[chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks]
Artemus Gordon : The collars around our necks! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine!
Capt. James West : Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power?
Artemus Gordon : About four hundred years!
Capt. James West : Damn!
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Artemus Gordon : We have the element of surprise. What does Loveless have?
[they look down into a canyon]
Artemus Gordon : He has his own city.
[Loveless' mechanical spider walks up over the edge of the cliff on which they are standing]
Capt. James West : He has an 80-foot tarantula.
Artemus Gordon : Yes, well, I was just coming to that.
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Rita Escobar : He's so impetuous.
Artemus Gordon : Yes, he's an idiot.
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[Preparing a flying machine]
Artemus Gordon : Although he was considered insane by his peers, Bernoulli's theory states that the air flowing over a bird's wing is at a lower pressure than the air flowing under the wing. That's called "lift," and that is what we're now going to... attempt. Of course, it's only a theory, it's never been tested...
Capt. James West : Stop talking.
Artemus Gordon : Sorry.
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[Gordon zaps McGrath with his hypno-belt]
McGrath : What's this?
Artemus Gordon : Why, it's a deep, deep pool. Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy?
McGrath : Yes, I'm sleepy.
Artemus Gordon : Good. Now you're going to be my little doggy, and when I say "speak" you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understand?
McGrath : Woof!
Artemus Gordon : Good boy. Now, which scientist is that in the next room? Is it Dr. Escobar? Speak!
McGrath : [panting] Woof! Woof!
Artemus Gordon : You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
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[they have gotten stuck back to gether with collar magnets. Trying to free each other, they end up in an even worse fix]
Artemus Gordon : What did you do?
Capt. James West : I didn't do shit!
Artemus Gordon : [accusing] Yes, you did! You've somehow reversed the polarity of your magnet!
Capt. James West : Hey! I-did-not-do-shit!
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Capt. James West : Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman.
Artemus Gordon : I was propositioned by three men!
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[Gordon produces a notebook and pencil on wrist springs]
Capt. James West : You know, you could put a gun on that.
Artemus Gordon : Then where would I keep my pencil?
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[as West pretends to be an exotic dancer to distract Dr. Loveless and free the hostages]
Capt. James West : Have you out of here in just a second, Mr. President.
[West jumps into Dr. Loveless' wheelchair and is wheeled away]
President Grant : Is she with us?
Coleman : Captain West, sir.
Rita Escobar : Oh, he's so graceful.
