The Opposite of Sex (1997)
Bill Truitt: [pulling on Jason's pierced nipple] Listen to me, you little grunge faggot. I survived my family, my schoolyard, every Republican, every other Democrat, Anita Bryant, the Pope, the fucking Christian Coalition, not to mention a real son of a bitch of a virus, in case you haven't noticed. In all that time since Paul Lynde and Truman Capote were the only fairies in America, I've been busting my ass so that you'd be able to do what you wanted with yours! So I don't just want your obedience right now - which I do want and plenty of it - but I want your fucking gratitude, right fucking now, or you're going to be looking down a long road at your nipple in the dirt! Do you hear what I'm saying?
Lucia: You're probably a blessing in disguise. Fucking good disguise.
Dedee: My mother was the kind of mother who always said she was her daughter's best friend. Whenever she did, I thought, "Great! Not only do I have a shitty mother, but my best friend's a loser bitch!"
Dedee: I'd like a Long Island iced tea, please.
Bill Truitt: Is that a good idea, for the baby?
Dedee: Oh, please. This baby owes its life to Long Island iced teas, if you know what I mean.
Lucia: I don't know how you do it. You're always so nice and so calm. Tom was like that too. It's depressing.
Bill Truitt: You're nice.
Lucia: That's how I always felt around you too, like the Baroness in The Sound of Music. While everybody's just singing and climbing an Alp. And I just wanna STUFF THAT GUITAR UP THAT NUN'S ASS! And... ugh!
Dedee Truitt: What'd you think, *I'd* be the dead one? I'm the fucking narrator, guys! Keep up!
Sheriff Carl Tippett: What's the point of sleeping with you if it doesn't get your attention? If I always come second to Bill?
Lucia: Excuse me?
Sheriff Carl Tippett: Say the point of sex isn't recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it's concentration. Say it's supposed to focus your attention on the person you're sleeping with, like biological highlighter.
Sheriff Carl Tippett: Otherwise, there's just too many people in the world.
Lucia: So while I'm sleeping with you, I'm not supposed to care about anybody else?
Sheriff Carl Tippett: Look for me first in any crowded room. And I'll do likewise.
Sheriff Carl Tippett: Otherwise, a person ends up sleeping with somebody else.
[Looks at her intensely and then sits back and waits]
Lucia: It's just a habit, thinking about Bill. Because of Tom.
Sheriff Carl Tippett: I know.
Dedee: [as Dedee is walking away from Bill's, looking for a ride and stopping under a tree, she narrates:] Seems like everybody's having sex but me. Good for them. It's not that I'm against sex. I mean, it was clever of God or evolution or whatever to hook the survival of the species to it because we're gonna screw around no what. It was a smarter thing to pick than say... the instinct to share your toys or return phone calls. We'd have died out like eons ago. But on the minus side, god... all the *attachment* that goes with it. It's like this net. Sex always ends in kids or disease, or like, you know, relationships. That's exactly what I don't want. I want the opposite of all that. Because it's not worth it, not really, is it? When you think about it?
Dedee: [cut to montage of memories of heart-warming relationship scenes with Tom, Bill, and Lucia together, then with other cast characters, and ending with one of Dedee and Randy together back in Louisiana. Back to Dedee smoking with narration continuing:] OK, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not all shit. Maybe...
Dedee: God damn it.
Dedee: [Frustrated, she sits down on street curb, smoking and thinking. She continues narrating:] I thought the whole idea was I know what happens next. I'll tell you one thing... I'm not gonna go back to Bill's house and be this big changed person for you. I told you right off I don't grow a heart of gold. And if I do, which is, like, *so unlikely*... give me a break and don't make me do it in front of you. Come on, guys, go, okay?
Dedee: [looking at the camera angrily and violently shooing us away with her left hand] GO!
Dedee: [fade to black and narration continues:] I'll give you this much, though... I never was the same again after that summer.
Lucia: I don't know. I just don't - I don't get sex.
Bill Truitt: You should get out more.
Lucia: I mean, "I don't understand sex." I don't get it. Get it? It seems like a lot of trouble for not much. Am I the only one that thinks this?
Bill Truitt: I don't think you're the tip of an iceberg, frankly.
Lucia: I would rather have a backrub, you know. It lasts longer and there's no fluids. You know, what's so great about that? It's like, "Hi! I'd like to blow my nose on your face." I mean, you wouldn't like that, would you?
Bill Truitt: And after they do it, they never phone you.
Lucia: Yeah, or a shampoo. You know, just a really great shampoo. That would make sense. If you were chasing this asshole all around the country because he gave really great shampoos...
Bill Truitt: It's not just sex, Lucia. I CARE for Matt, alright?
Lucia: It IS sex, Bill. You just won't admit it. Cuz you wanna be above that. You wanna think that nothing that happened happened because you like sex.
Bill Truitt: I'm really beat.
Lucia: You know, sex kills, Bill. You just - you won't accept that. But why do you think there's no more real Hawaiians, huh? And why would they bother coming up with the phrase "died in childbirth" if it only happened one time? It's fucking dangerous, sex!
Bill Truitt: Tom didn't die because of sex.
Lucia: Didn't he? I mean, PC crap aside, didn't sex kill Tom? Huh? I mean, if he just couldn't get enough shampoos or backrubs, wouldn't he still be here today?
Bill Truitt: You might as well say I killed him.
Lucia: You didn't give it to him.
Bill Truitt: No, but some OTHER faggot did! Isn't that what you think?
Lucia: No. What I think is: Fine. Chase this bimbo from Indiana to Chippewa Falls, for all I care. Go ahead. Throw away your reputation, your job, and your students, and whatever because you want Matt. That's - it your RIGHT! Just don't say that it's about love, okay? You're an English teacher. Call things by their right name.
Jason Bock: If I save one kid from getting butt-fucked, from having his ass totally reamed until it looks like the Lincoln Tunnel and he can't stand up for three weeks, then maybe all of this is worth... something. Teachers everywhere have to learn that no means no... at least until we've dropped out.
[about marrying Matt]
Dedee: I just don't think it's something we should rush into.
Lucia: Oh, no, no. But bring another human life onto the planet - that's whim time.
Randy: I'm just askin' that you stand by your man, like I'm standin' next to you! You know, a lot of guys, man, they woulda said that, "Shucks, man, she took up with them homosexuals. You know, she turned her back on righteousness."
Dedee: Oh, yeah, but blowing you in the backseat of your car every day after band, that was a stairway to heaven, right?
Girl Student: This is America, and we're Christians here - aside from a few Jewish people who were just born that way - and I can tell you one thing: Jesus Christ and his apostles were certainly not into "man-on-man action," which is how they describe it on their porno videos, which, I am proud to say, Blockbuster does not carry. Um, I work there and it's very family...
Girl Student: Plus, that religion John Travolta belongs to.
Dedee: If you think I'm just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love, you're in over your heads. I don't have a heart of gold and I *don't* grow one later, OK? But relax. There's other people a lot nicer coming up - we call them "losers."
[Dedee in labor]
Lucia: Are you having contractions?
Dedee: No, this is my sleepy face! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?
Dedee Truitt: Lucia and Carl had their baby. You can imagine the pick of that litter. It was the kind of kid that if you played with it too much after a feeding, you threw up.
Lucia: This is how we do things on the Planet Maturia. We have much to teach you.
Dedee Truitt: Bill's kind of cute. I mean, even though he's old.
Lucia: He's 35!
Dedee Truitt: Yeah but he's still kind of cute. Too bad he's a fairy, right?
Lucia: [huffily] That is not how I would put it.
Dedee Truitt: Well, then too bad he's however *you'd* put it.
Dedee Truitt: My name is Dedee Truitt. I'm 16, and this is Creve Coeur, Louisiana. Which is French, I think, for, like, "fucked heart".
Dedee Truitt: Les was a real asshole. To get cancer of the ass was, like, poetic. Almost as good as cancer of the dick, if they have that.
Lucia: See, you think you're being nice, but it's really just self-destructive.
Bill Truitt: When is it too hot to analyze me? 110, 115 degrees?
Lucia: You've got a death wish. So selfish.
Lucia: I have one too, but I direct it toward others.
Matt Mateo: I'm bisexual.
Lucia: Puh-lease! I went to a bar mitzvah once. That doesn't make me Jewish.
Lucia: Why did he grow that beard? And his posture! He looks like Early Man.
Lucia: Matt, this is not your baby, OK? It's some other idiot's baby, probably with an eighth grade education and a trunk full of Waco pamphlets.
Lucia: Vagina, vagina, vagina. Does that word do anything for you?
Bill Truitt: I don't think it does much for anyone, gay or straight.
[Why sex is the opposite of what she wants]
Dedee: Sex always ends in kids or disease or like, you know, relationships.
Dedee: This part where I take the gun is like, duh, important.
Lucia: Bill, I don't think he's as stupid we think.
Bill Truitt: As you think, Lucia.
[She gets mad and walks to the door]
Lucia: Fine! Goddammit! God... Fuck! Shit! I hope Tom Cruise is as straight as they come... I never thought he wasn't!
Dedee Truitt: Rule 1 about sex: If you don't breathe in, a person can do anything for 10 minutes.
Dedee Truitt: [narrating over a flashback of ugly duckling Lucia sitting at a table alone at a wedding] I know in movies you kind of feel sorry for girls like this, but in real life, you wouldn't be sitting next to her either.
[about Matt's disappearance]
Jason Bock: For all I know, you killed him.
Bill Truitt: For all you know, I'm just getting started.
Dedee: He was like a blind person you know, they can't see but they hear real well. Matt couldn't think at all, but he looked great.
Dedee: If there have to be gay people, at least it's nice there's enough of them to go around.
Sheriff Carl Tippett: What's the point of sleeping with you if it doesn't get your attention?
Sheriff Carl Tippett: Say the point of sex isn't recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it's concentration. Say it's supposed to focus your attention on the person you're sleeping with, like biological highlighter. Otherwise, there's just too many people in the world.
Dedee: [discussing Tom's death from AIDS] Did he give it to Bill?
Lucia: That is none of your business.
Dedee: Actually it is. I could drink from the wrong cup or something by mistake.
Lucia: God, what do they teach you in Louisiana?
Dedee Truitt: [about gay men] I know AIDS is, like, awful and stuff, and that guy who got all those boys up to his room and ate them and froze them and then got killed in prison, like we cared... I mean, all that is disgusting. But they do look better than straight people. And smell better. They're cleaner, if you don't count viruses. And there's not all that hair in their ears and noses and stuff. So it evens out.
Dedee Truitt: Plus, I'd clean for them. Or tell the maid places she missed.
[old home movie footage of Lucia, her sisters and her gay brother Tom as children is shown. Her sisters have put makeup, a wig and a dress on little Lucia... and also on Tom. Their father pulls the wig off Tom and gives him a spanking]
Dedee Truitt: [narrating] If you ask me, it was a giveaway he liked the spanking.
Bill Truitt: Who's the father? He has rights and responsibilities.
Dedee Truitt: My stepfather, if you want to know. And the only responsibility he has is to rot in his grave, which I hope he's living up to.
Dedee Truitt: [about Bill, who is 9 years older than Matt] He could be your father. Basically, you're blowing your father. That can't feel right.
Matt Mateo: I never knew my father.
Dedee Truitt: And you really think this is a good way to make up for it?
Dedee Truitt: Too bad he's a fairy, right?
Lucia DeLury: That's not how I would put it.
Dedee Truitt: Well, then too bad he's however you'd put it.
[Dedee gets her brother's boyfriend Matt to put sun tan lotion on her back. Then she takes off her bikini top and faces him with her bare breasts exposed]
Matt Mateo: I think you can reach them yourself.
Dedee Truitt: Scared you'll get a woody?
Randy: It's not his baby?
Dedee Truitt: Oh, whose do you think it is, Mister "Who needs a rubber, I'll pull out in time"?
Dedee Truitt: [about Lucia] She had a life once. She just, I don't know, stopped feeding it so after a while it wandered away.
Lucia DeLury: [to the crowd of reporters who have gathered on Bill's front lawn] You are all assholes! Jennifer? Jennifer Oakes, is that you?
Jennifer Oakes: Hi, Miss DeLury. Any comment on the charges against William Truitt?
Lucia DeLury: And I wrote you a letter of recommendation.
Dedee Truitt: [narrating as she looks inside the urn containing Bill's late boyfriend's ashes] Gross. But notice how pretty the urn is. That's typical gay.
Lucia DeLury: [waking up after falling asleep on Bill's shoulder] Oh my God, did I drool?
Bill Truitt: [looking at his shirt] No, it'll dry. Don't worry about it.
Lucia DeLury: Usually I have to be up a few more hours before I'm humiliated.
Lucia DeLury: I want my brother's ashes back, you heartless little bitch!
Dedee Truitt: Oh yeah, that's me, Lucia, heartless. What body part are you missing?
Dedee Truitt: If you're one of those people who don't like movies where some person you can't see talks the whole time and covers up all the holes in the plot and at the end says "I was never the same again after that summer" or whatever, like it was so deep they can't stand it, then you're out of luck. Things get very complicated here very quick. And my guess is you're not going to be up to it without me talking.
Dedee Truitt: Have you always been a 'mo?
Matt Mateo: Yeah, I guess.
Dedee Truitt: You've never slept with a girl?
Matt Mateo: No. Never came up.
Dedee Truitt: [smiles] So to speak, right?
Matt Mateo: Well, it's just not for me.
Dedee Truitt: How would you know if you've never tried it?
Matt Mateo: Well, I never tried communism but I know I wouldn't like that. Same thing. Or grits.
Dedee Truitt: Have you ever slept with a black person?
Matt Mateo: No. No, I don't think so.
Dedee Truitt: Because you know you wouldn't like it?
Matt Mateo: No! I don't know that, I mean...
Dedee Truitt: So, even though you've never tried either, you'd have sex with a black person but not with me? God, it's like reverse discrimination. Quotas.
Matt Mateo: Is it?
Dedee Truitt: Yeah. It's prejudice.
Dedee Truitt: [narrating as her gay brother Bill plays with her baby] It spooked me at first, him changing a boy baby and getting good peeks at his little thing. But he said straight dads change girl babies all the time and nothing comes of that. Is he naive or what?
Dedee Truitt: They started out like a typical American family. And you know how that ends up, they typically went to shit pretty quick.
[Bill catches one of his students writing "Mr. Truitt sucks it hard every Tuesday after yearbook here!" on a wall in a school restroom]
Bill Truitt: [calmly] There's a sentence here that's a fragment. What is it? Every...
Joe: Every Tuesday after yearbook here?
Bill Truitt: Now, how would you fix that?
Joe: I guess you could say Mr. Truitt, you know, blanks it hard here every Tuesday after yearbook?
Bill Truitt: Or just "Tuesdays after yearbook". You don't need the "every", right?
Joe: Yeah, I guess so. Can I go?
Bill Truitt: Yep.
[Bill holds his hand out, Joe hands over his marker pen and leaves. Bill tries to rub off Joe's drawing of a naked woman above the writing, it won't come off, so he uses the pen to alter it into a goofy drawing of a man's face. Another student walks in and sees him doing this]
Ty: Probably not a good idea to use your real name.
Dedee Truitt: [narrating as Lucia and Carl go inside her hotel room while kissing] We're not going inside. It's too... gross. She turned out to be one of those "talkers". You know what I mean? "Do it to me, yeah, oh there, take me home, oh baby." Sickening.
Jason Bock: [after Bill pulls on his pierced nipple] Ow, ow, ow, fuck! Jesus. You're supposed to be my brother, man!
Bill Truitt: Hey, I was brotherly, man. Think where else you're pierced.