Being John Malkovich (1999)
Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.
Maxine: Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.
John Malkovich: NO!
[Craig regains control]
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.
Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): There is truth, and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it's lying.
Guy in Restaurant: 'Scuse me.
John Malkovich: Mm-hmm?
Guy in Restaurant: Are you John Malkovich?
John Malkovich: Yes, I am.
Guy in Restaurant: Wow! You're really, uh, great in that movie...
John Malkovich: Oh?
Guy in Restaurant: ...where you play that retard.
John Malkovich: Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
Guy in Restaurant: I have a cousin... who's a retard.
John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.
Guy in Restaurant: Yeah. So, um... as you might imagine, it... means a lot to me to see... retards... portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately.
John Malkovich: Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.
Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig Schwartz: Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine: Oh yeah? What's he been in?
Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.
[Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]
John Malkovich: That portal is mine and it must be sealed forever - for the love of God.
Craig Schwartz: Mr. Malkovich, sir, with all due respect, I discovered that portal. I mean, it's my livelihood. You understand?
John Malkovich: It's my head, Schwartz. It's my head! I will see you in court!
[Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike]
Craig Schwartz: [calling after him] What makes you think I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
Floris: Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs?
Craig Schwartz: No, no. Um... my name's Craig Schwartz. I have an interview with Dr. Lester.
Floris: Oh. Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.
Craig Schwartz: Schwartz.
Craig Schwartz: Schwartz.
Floris: I- I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now.
Craig Schwartz: My name is Schwartz.
Floris: "My name is Warts"?
[Craig takes a seat]
Floris: [intercom beeps] Mr. Juarez?
[Craig doesn't respond at first]
Craig Schwartz: Oh. Yes?
Craig Schwartz: I said, "Yes?"
Floris: You suggest what? I'm sorry I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now.
Craig Schwartz: [voiceover] Maxine. Maxine, I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away.
Craig Schwartz: Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
John Malkovich: I have seen a world that NO man should see!
Craig Schwartz: Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.
Lotte Schwartz: Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
John Malkovich: The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte".
Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John Malkovich: What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!
Craig Schwartz: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
[a truck drives by and the driver hits Malkovich's head with a can]
Driver: Hey Malkovich, think fast!
Larry the Agent: John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception.
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): This is my fiancée Maxine.
Larry the Agent: Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat.
Dr. Lester: She's got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.
Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!
Charlie: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.
Craig Schwartz: You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
Dr. Lester: I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.
Maxine: Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes? Wow. Nah, I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craigy!
Charlie: Hot lesbian witches! Think about it. It's fucking genius!
[During a job interview]
Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?
Craig Schwartz: The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir?
Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you.
Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.
Maxine: Why not?
Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?
Maxine: Yeah! Who told you?
Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?
Dr. Lester: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
Craig Schwartz: Oh, no.
Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.
Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir?
Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. And I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes. But, nobody wants to die!
Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Tell me, Craig, why do you love puppetering?
Craig Schwartz: [as Craig Puppet] Well Maxine, I'm not sure exactly. Perhaps the idea of becoming someone else for a little while. Being inside another skin - thinking differently, moving differently, feeling differently.
Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Interesting, Craig.
[lifts Maxine Puppet's leg]
Craig Schwartz: Would you like to be inside my skin? Think what I think? Feel what I feel?
Craig Schwartz: [as Craig Puppet] More than anything, Maxine.
Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] It's good in here, Craig. It's better than your wildest dreams.
Maxine: Craig! I just - I don't find you attractive. And Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am; but, only when you're in Malkovich. When I looked into his eyes last night, I could feel you peering out.
Lotte Schwartz: Really?
Maxine: Behind the stubble and the too prominent brow and the male pattern baldness, I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte?
Maxine: Yeah, do you mind?
John Malkovich: No, not really.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually...
Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...
Maxine: Two hundred dollars.
[Lotte comes home late at night]
Craig Schwartz: You were him, weren't you?
Lotte Schwartz: Yeah.
Craig Schwartz: And he was with her!
Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz: We?
Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.
Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
Maxine: Here's the thing: If you ever got me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.
Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you.
Maxine: My tits?
Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no.
Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.
Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?
Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you.
Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.
Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em. I want to fuck you!
Maxine: Great! Now we're gettin' somewhere. Not a chance.
Dr. Lester: Hello, Mr. Juarez.
Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, My name is Craig Schwartz, a small mixup with your secretary...
Dr. Lester: [into intercom] Security!
Dr. Lester: Nubile. Blondes. Wet with desire. Me in leather. A harness, if you like. And all eyes, Craig, are upon me, as I speak. "Ladies," I begin, "I am the love god Eros." They like that. "I intoxicate you. My spunk is to you manna from heaven."
Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, this is all very - fascinating and stuff, but, I gotta get back home and my wife...
Dr. Lester: Oh, you have a wife! I'd like to meet her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz: Yes, sir.
Dr. Lester: Shall we say dinner Thursday? You can "come" too if you like.
Dr. Lester: You get that? That was a joke! Did you hear what I said? You can "come" too. That was a joke.
Lotte Schwartz: Craig, honey, it's time for bed.
[fade out and in]
Orrin Hatch the bird: Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up,
Craig Schwartz: Lotte...
Lotte Schwartz: I'm sorry. I didn't know Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.
Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz: We?
Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
Craig Schwartz: Don't forget about me!
Lotte Schwartz: Well you have a Maxine action figure to play with!
[gazing longingly at Craig as he does the filing]
Floris: Oh, what magic those fingers could work on the right cabinet! Maybe you could alphabetize me. And remember, 'I' comes before 'U'.
[Answering the phone]
Maxine: J.M. Inc.: Be all that someone else can be.
Dr. Lester: Ah to be a young man again, eh, Schwartz?
Dr. Lester: Maybe then Floris would care for me.
Craig Schwartz: But the elderly have so much to offer, sir. they're our link with history.
Dr. Lester: I don't want to be your goddamn link, damn you. I want to feel Floris' naked thighs next to mine. I want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful complex women. I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy, Schwartz, as I penetrate her...
Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered you would share your feeling with me, perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion.
Dr. Lester: All right, your right. All right I tell you what: Meet me after work today at Jerry's juiceteria on Lex, and I'll spill my goddamn guts for you.
Woman in Elevator: Seven and a half, right?
Craig Schwartz: Yuh.
Woman in Elevator: I'll take you through it.
Voice of Heloise (Puppet): While we enjoy the pleasures on an uneasy love and abandon ourselves to fornication, we were spared God's severity.
Voice of Abelard (Puppet): Say no more. I beg you. And cease from complaints like these which are so far removed from the true depth of love.
Voice of Heloise (Puppet): Even during the celebration of mass, when our prayers should be purer, lewd visions of these pleasures take such a hold upon my unhappy soul, that my thoughts are on the very wantonness instead of my prayers. Sometimes my thoughts are betrayed by the movement of my body.
Voice of Abelard (Puppet): I took my fill of my wretched pleasures in you and this was the sum total of my love.
Craig Schwartz: It's just a little mix up with your secretary. My name is Craig Schwartz. I tried to explain that to her.
Dr. Lester: She's not my secretary. She's what they call an executive liaison. And I am not *banging* her, if that's what you're implying.
Maxine: Well, my nipples are at attention, General Malkovich, sir!
Craig Schwartz: Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?
Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?
Maxine: Are you married?
Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.
Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself.
Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer...
Maxine: [turns to bartender] Check!
Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig. You play with dolls.
Craig Schwartz: Puppets, Maxine. You see, it's the idea of being inside someone else's skin and seeing what they see and feeling what they feel.
Craig Schwartz: [watching the puppeteer with the giant puppet on TV] Gimmicky bastard!
Maxine: Meet me at the Stuck Pig... at eight o'clock. If you're late, I walk.
Lester's Friend: I've always wondered what it would be like to have a penis. Now I'll know!
Lotte Schwartz: [seeing Craig's busted lip] Oh, Craig! Honey, not again. Why do you do this to yourself, honey?
Craig Schwartz: I'm a puppeteer.
Craig Schwartz: Listen to Lester's sexual fantasies and drink carrot juice for awhile, you know, it's a job thing, really.
Maxine: Oh, you know what? The puppeteer told me he loved me today. I know, I can't think of anything more pathetic!
John Malkovich: The Broadhurst Theater, please.
Cab Driver: Hey, say, eh, ain't you that actor guy?
John Malkovich: Yes.
Cab Driver: Hey, John, eh, what is, eh, John, eh, um, um, ah, don't tell me. Eh, Mapplethorpe?
John Malkovich: Malkovich.
Cab Driver: Malkovich! Right, right, okay.
Cab Driver: I thought you were alright in that one movie.
John Malkovich: Thank you.
Cab Driver: Yeah, that one where you played a jewel thief?
John Malkovich: I - never played a jewel thief.
Cab Driver: No? Who am I thinkin' of?
John Malkovich: I don't know.
Cab Driver: Just, eh, no. No, I'm pretty sure it was you.
Maxine: I need you for this, Craigy. You're my man on the inside.
Craig Schwartz: You need me? I'm your man?
Maxine: Sure, whatever.
Craig Schwartz: We don't know the significance of this thing. It might be dangerous to toy with.
Maxine: Well, I'll protect you, doll face.
Lotte Schwartz: Craig, I don't understand. There's not - there's no such thing as a hole or a portal into somebody's brain!
Craig Schwartz: Yes there is!
Lotte Schwartz: I've been going over and over my experience last night, Craig. It was amazing. I've decided - that I'm a transsexual. I know! It's the craziest thing, Craig!
Craig Schwartz: What are you fuckin' nuts!
Lotte Schwartz: No, it's just that for the first time everything just felt right! I've got to make sure. But, if the feeling is still there, I'm gonna talk to Dr. Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.
Craig Schwartz: Listen, this is absurd! Besides, Feldman is an allergist. If you're going to do something, do it right! We've talked about this plenty of times. Alright, you get these half-ass ideas and then you do a half-assed job. Just drop it!
Lotte Schwartz: It's just that I really, you know, I like Dr. Feldman. Alright? So, I thought that I would ask him his opinion. What - is there something so terrible about that? Why are you always yelling at me like this?
Craig Schwartz: Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just a phase. It's a phase of seeing through somebody else's eyes. Okay? It'll pass.
Lotte Schwartz: Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
Lotte Schwartz: [inside John Malkovich looking at Maxine] You're so beautiful. And the way you're looking at me. I mean, at him, at us. I've never been looked at like this by a woman before. Ah, I think I'm sweating.
John Malkovich: [onstage playing Richard III] Was ever woman in this humour woo'd? Was ever woman in this humour won?
Maxine: Oh, Lotte. Lotte, this is so good!
Craig Schwartz: [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine] My God!
Craig Schwartz: [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine] This is amazing.
Craig Schwartz: [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine] Oh, touch her breast. Touch her breast. Right hand across left breast now.
Craig Schwartz: [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine] Move right hand across left breast now! Move right hand across left breast now!
John Malkovich: Something was making me talk. Some - goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get outta here.
Maxine: Oh, doll face! It was just - your passion for me taking hold.
John Malkovich: No! Doll face, I know what my passion taking hold feels like.
Craig Schwartz: I did it! I made him move his arm across your girlfriend's glorious tit! Oh! And - I made him talk, sort of. It's just a matter of practice before Malkovich is nothing more than a another puppet hanging next to my work table.
John Malkovich: [in disguise] Excuse me, sir. Exactly what type of service does this company provide?
Sad Man in Line: You get to be John Malkovich for 15 minutes. 200 clams.
Craig Schwartz: My name is Craig Schwartz - and we operate a little business here that simulates for our clientele, well, the experience - of being you, actually.
John Malkovich: Simulate?
Craig Schwartz: Yeah, after a fashion.
John Malkovich: What exactly does that mean?
Craig Schwartz: Well, it's hard to describe.
John Malkovich: I want to do it.
Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm sure that would pale in comparison to the actual experience.
John Malkovich: I want to do it!
Craig Schwartz: Well, right now, Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube and he's got...
Maxine: Let him do it, Craig.
Craig Schwartz: Of course! Right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house.
Lotte Schwartz: You know, Craig, once this was a relationship - built on love.
Craig Schwartz: Well, you gave up that claim after the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine, Lotte.
Lotte Schwartz: You fell in love with her first, Craig!