- Bobby Boucher: My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.
- Bobby Boucher: So that's what opening up a can of whoop-ass feels like.
- Coach Klein: Son, you just opened up a whole case of whoop-ass.
- Mama Boucher: Bobby, deh ever catch dat gorilla that busted outa da zoo and punched you in da eye?
- Bobby Boucher: No Mama, the search continues.
- [after Bobby demonstrates his tackling ability]
- Coach Klein: Bobby, can you do that for me every game?
- Bobby Boucher: Coach, not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you.
- Dan Fouts: The waterboy just needed some water!
- Brent Musburger: Wow, Dan, did you come up with that all by yourself?
- Dan Fouts: Shut up, Brent.
- Coach Klein: Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too.
- Bobby Boucher: No, you people are drinkin the wrong water.
- Coach Klein: Gatorade.
- Bobby Boucher: H2O.
- Coach Klein: Gatorade.
- Bobby Boucher: H2O.
- Coach Klein: [singing] Water sucks. It really, really sucks. Water sucks.
- Bobby Boucher: [after reading a question about Benjamin Franklin] Ben Franklin.
- Young Bobby Boucher: [flashback to Bobby's childhood] Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity?
- Mama Boucher: That's nonsense, I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the Devil!
- Mama Boucher: You gonna lose all your fancy "fools' balls" games! And you're gonna fail your big exam! Because school is...
- Bobby Boucher: The devil?
- [Mama gasps]
- Bobby Boucher: Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good!
- Bobby Boucher: [Bobby runs out, slamming the door, then comes back in] And by the way, Mama. "Alligators" are ornery 'cause of their "Medula Oblongata"!
- Bobby Boucher: [Bobby runs back out, then back in again] And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies, and I like them too!
- [slams door on Mama]
- Coach Klein: [it's half-time at the Bourbon Bowl and they're in the locker room] Anybody got an idea?
- [Silence]
- Derek Wallace: Hey, remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake?
- [Everybody chuckles]
- Lyle Robideaux: Yeah, that was pretty funny. How 'bout the time Bobby tackled the guy from Louisville, and threw him into the stands?
- [Everybody laughs]
- Guy Grenouille: Y'all remember the time he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off, and he ran for the touchdown bare ass?
- [Everybody laughs]
- Farmer Fran: Remember the time Bobby Boucher...
- [Begins to mumble in his southern drawl, and everybody stares at him]
- Bobby Boucher: [Bobby shows up in the locker room by surprise] Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl, do ya?
- [Everybody starts cheering and shouting]
- Tina: You played amazing at the game today, Bobby.
- Rita: And you are so cute.
- Rita: Is there a girl you are seeing?
- Bobby Boucher: Seeing? I see a lot of girls. I see a lot of guys too.
- Rita: I think that's sexy. You ever been with a guy and a girl at the same time?
- Bobby Boucher: Oh yeah, plenty of times. The other night, I was with my Momma and Coach Klein at the same time.
- [Tina is weirded out by Bobby's odd remarks and walks away]
- Rita: You are a bad boy. I wish you were my boyfriend.
- Bobby Boucher: Oh, thank you. But, you see there's this girl, Vicki Vallencourt. She may be the devil, Momma said that. Consequently, I am prohibited from contact with her. But, I hope to get past that one day cause she's nice to talk to.
- [Rita is now weirded out by Bobby's odd remarks. Then Farmer Fran approaches the two and begins to mumble in his southern drawl. Farmer Fran gives Rita a Louisiana Frog Cake he was eating and then takes Bobby with him to dance]
- Guy Grenouille: Hey, moron! Hey! Moron! Duh! L-L-Look at me. I'm th-th-the waterboy. Duh! I got a wooden spoon! Duh!
- Greg Meaney: [Bobby pictures the people who tomented him in the past] Smells like you need a shower, stinky!
- [Meaney laughs evily]
- Coach Red Beaulieu: You're fired!
- [Red laughs evilly]
- Bobby Boucher: [Captain Insano and Jim Simmonds laugh]
- [Bobby becomes enraged]
- Bobby Boucher: Stop makin' fun of me!
- Guy Grenouille: Red thirty! Hut!
- [Bobby chases Grenouille, screaming, then ramming and tackling him hard to the ground]
- Coach Klein: [in amazement] Wow!
- Derek Wallace: Damn!
- Bobby Boucher: Nice hit, Mama.
- Mama Boucher: Thanks, baby. Now you go on and have some fun becomin' a man.
- Professor: Now, is there anyone here that can tell me why... most alligators are abnormally aggressive? Anybody? Anyone? Yes, sir. You, sir.
- Bobby Boucher: Mama says that alligators are ornery... 'cause they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.
- Professor: [Chuckling] Yo mama said, alligators are ornery 'cause they got all them teeth... and no toothbrush. Wow! Anybody else? Yes, sir. You, sir.
- Student: Alligators are aggressive because of an enlarged medulla oblongata. It's the sector of the brain which controls aggressive behavior.
- Professor: That is correct! The medulla oblongata...
- Bobby Boucher: But Mama said...
- Professor: The medulla oblongata... is where anger, jealousy and aggression come from. Now, is there anybody here can tell me where happiness comes from? Anyone? All right, let's hear what Mama has to say on the subject.
- Bobby Boucher: Mama say that happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you feelin' blue.
- Professor: [Chuckling] Well, folks, Mama's wrong again.
- Bobby Boucher: No, Colonel Sanders, you're wrong. Mama's right. You're all wrong. Mama's right. Mama's right!
- Professor: Somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata.
- Paco: I am not what you would call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with... with charm, athletic ability... or a fully functional brain. You see, you're an inspriation, to all of us who... who weren't born handsome, and charming and cool, and and...
- [breaks out in tears]
- Vicki Vallencourt: [after Bobby has gotten his test scores back] Well, Bobby Boucher, welcome to manhood. I'll make sure to welcome you properly later.
- Bobby Boucher: Once again, I'm not quite sure what that means.
- Bobby Boucher: Mama, something bad happened today.
- Mama Boucher: [Pulls up a knife] Did somebody hurt you my boy?
- Mama Boucher: [to Bobby] You don't have what they call "the social skills." That's why you never have any friends, 'cept fo' yo' mama.
- Guy Grenouille: I don't want that loser on the team. Everybody's gonna laugh at us.
- Lyle Robideaux: Everybody already 'is' laughing at us. We haven't won a game since nineteen-ninety-FOUR.
- Bobby Boucher: Good luck on the upcoming play.
- West Mississippi Lineman: I'll be playing with your mama tonight.
- Bobby Boucher: [stares at him] Sixty-two...
- Mama Boucher: Are men supposed to wear pajamas featuring a cartoon character by the name of Deputy Dog?
- Bobby Boucher: Mama, please.
- Vicki Vallencourt: Well you know what? I happen to find Deputy Dog to be very, very sexy.
- Coach Klein: [after football player spits loogie in water tank] Are you all right?
- Bobby Boucher: I wasn't gonna do nothin', coach!
- Coach Klein: Well ya better do something. You gotta stick up for yourself, Bobby.
- Bobby Boucher: But what about the finally tuned athletic machine?
- Coach Klein: I am not telling you to go on a shooting rampage!
- Jimmy Johnson: You know, Red's gotta couple solid early rounders out there.
- Bill Cowher: I know. But, I really wanted to scout that Waterboy. He reminds me of Greg Lloyd.
- Jimmy Johnson: Nah, Zach Thomas.
- Bill Cowher: Whatever.
- Coach Red Beaulieu: Coach Laski, get over here!
- Laski: Yes, sir, Coach?
- Coach Red Beaulieu: What is that moron doing here? Huh? Didn't I tell you as plain as I could speak to get rid of his ass last year?
- Laski: Yes, sir. But I didn't think you were serious, Coach. Besides, he does a great job.
- Coach Red Beaulieu: Disrupting my football team, you idiot! Eighteen years of this is enough!
- Coach Red Beaulieu: Hey, Waterboy!
- Bobby Boucher: Yes, Mr. Coach Beaulieu?
- Coach Red Beaulieu: You're fired!
- Bobby Boucher: Ok.
- Guy Grenouille: Nice going, shithead. You lost us the football game.
- Bobby Boucher: Sorry. Will you please still be my friend?
- Guy Grenouille: No, get away from me.
- Mama Boucher: [after Vicki Vallencourt mentions a football game] Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other... 'Member when dat man wanted you to play foos-ball, Bobby?
- Dan Fouts: [For the 3rd time] Last game of the year Brent, can't hold anything back now.
- Brent Musburger: I know.
- Derek Wallace: [Preparing for an onside kick, looking at the Cougar players lining up, deciding who to kick it to] Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be...
- [sees a wide-eyed Cougar player]
- Derek Wallace: Oh yeah, there's my bitch.
- Mama Boucher: Now you listen here, cupcake. The 'onliest' woman in my boy's life is me. Nobody's gonna take him away, especially not some godless Jezebel like you.
- Lynn Swann: You gonna add another championship trophy to the old case downstairs?
- Coach Red Beaulieu: That's kinda like my old man told me one time, Lynn. The only thing better than a crawfish dinner, is five crawfish dinners.
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
