The Waterboy (1998)
Bobby Boucher: My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.
[after Bobby demonstrates his tackling ability]
Coach Klein: Bobby, can you do that for me every game?
Bobby Boucher: Coach, not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you.
Mama Boucher: Bobby, deh ever catch dat gorilla that busted outa da zoo and punched you in da eye?
Bobby Boucher: No Mama, the search continues.
Bobby Boucher: So that's what opening up a can of whoop-ass feels like.
Coach Klein: Son, you just opened up a whole case of whoop-ass.
Coach Klein: Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too.
Bobby Boucher: No, you people are drinkin the wrong water.
Coach Klein: Gatorade.
Bobby Boucher: H2O.
Coach Klein: Gatorade.
Bobby Boucher: H2O.
Coach Klein: [singing] Water sucks. It really, really sucks. Water sucks.
Lawrence Taylor: Gentlemen, which brings me to my next point. Don't smoke crack.
Dan Fouts: The waterboy just needed some water!
Brent Musburger: Wow Dan, did you come up with that all by yourself?
Dan Fouts: Shut up, Brent.
Bobby Boucher: [after reading a question about Benjamin Franklin] Ben Franklin.
Young Bobby Boucher: [flashback to Bobby's childhood] Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity?
Mama Boucher: That's nonsense, I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the Devil!
Tina: You played amazing at the game today, Bobby.
Rita: And you are so cute.
Rita: Is there a girl you are seeing?
Bobby Boucher: Seeing? I see a lot of girls. I see a lot of guys too.
Rita: I think that's sexy.
Rita: You ever been with a guy and a girl at the same time?
Bobby Boucher: Oh yeah, plenty of times. The other night, I was with my Momma and Coach Klein at the same time.
[Tina is weirded out by Bobby's odd remarks and walks away]
Rita: You are a bad boy. I wish you were my boyfriend.
Bobby Boucher: Oh, thank you. But, you see there's this girl, Vicki Vallencourt. She may be the devil, Momma said that. Consequently, I am prohibited from contact with her. But, I hope to get past that one day cause she's nice to talk to.
[Rita is now weirded out by Bobby's odd remarks. Then Farmer Fran approaches the two and begins to mumble in his southern drawl. Farmer Fran gives Rita a Louisiana Frog Cake he was eating and then takes Bobby with him to dance]
Bobby Boucher: Now that's what I call high quality H2O.
Mama Boucher: You gonna lose all your fancy "fools' balls" games! And your gonna fail your big exam! Because school is...
Bobby Boucher: The devil?
Bobby Boucher: Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good!
Bobby Boucher: [Bobby runs out, slamming the door, then comes back in] And by the way, Mama. "Alligators" are ornery 'cause of their "Medula Oblongata"!
Bobby Boucher: [Bobby runs back out, then back in again] And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies and I like them too!
[slams door on Mama]
Paco: I am not what you would call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with... with charm, athletic ability... or a fully functional brain. You see, you're an inspriation, to all of us who... who weren't born handsome, and charming and cool, and and...
[breaks out in tears]
Bobby Boucher: Look who's on TV, Mama... it's the devil.
Professor: Now, is there anyone here that can tell me why... most alligators are abnormally aggressive? Anybody? Anyone? Yes, sir. You, sir.
Bobby Boucher: Mama says that alligators are ornery... 'cause they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.
Professor: [Chuckling] Yo mama said, alligators are ornery 'cause they got all them teeth... and no toothbrush. Wow! Anybody else? Yes, sir. You, sir.
Student: Alligators are aggressive because of an enlarged medulla oblongata. It's the sector of the brain which controls aggressive behavior.
Professor: That is correct! The medulla oblongata...
Bobby Boucher: But Mama said...
Professor: The medulla oblongata... is where anger, jealousy and aggression come from. Now, is there anybody here can tell me where happiness comes from? Anyone? All right, let's hear what Mama has to say on the subject.
Bobby Boucher: Mama say that happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you feelin' blue.
Professor: [Chuckling] Well, folks, Mama's wrong again.
Bobby Boucher: No, Colonel Sanders, you're wrong. Mama's right. You're all wrong. Mama's right. Mama's right!
Professor: Somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata.
Townie: You can do it... you can do it all night loong!
Guy Grenouille: Hey, moron! Hey! Moron! Duh! L-L-Look at me. I'm th-th-the waterboy. Duh! I got a wooden spoon! Duh!
Greg Meaney: [Bobby pictures the people who tomented him in the past] Smells like you need a shower, stinky!
[Meaney laughs evily]
Coach Red Beaulieu: You're fired!
[Red laughs evilly]
Bobby Boucher: [Captain Insano and Jim Simmonds laugh]
[Bobby becomes enraged]
Bobby Boucher: Stop makin' fun of me!
Guy Grenouille: Red thirty! Hut!
[Bobby chases Grenouille, screaming, then ramming and tackling him hard to the ground]
Coach Klein: [in amazement] Wow!
Derek Wallace: Damn!
[after watching Bobby tackle a player]
Paco: Look at Bobby tackle. I haven't seen a tackle like that since Joe Montana.
Walter: Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot.
Paco: I said Joe Mantegna.
Mama Boucher: No son of mine is gonna play any foos-ball.
Coach Klein: [it's half-time at the Bourbon Bowl and they're in the locker room] Anybody got an idea?
Derek Wallace: Hey, remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake?
Lyle Robideaux: Yeah, that was pretty funny. How 'bout the time Bobby tackled the guy from Louisville, and threw him into the stands?
Guy Grenouille: Y'all remember the time he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off, and he ran for the touchdown bare ass?
Farmer Fran: Remember the time Bobby Boucher...
[Begins to mumble in his southern drawl, and everybody stares at him]
Bobby Boucher: [Bobby shows up in the locker room by surprise] Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl, do ya?
[Everybody starts cheering and shouting]
Bobby Boucher: Nice hit, Mama.
Mama Boucher: Thanks, baby. Now you go on and have some fun becomin' a man.
Bobby Boucher: Mama, something bad happened today.
Mama Boucher: [Pulls up a knife] Did somebody hurt you my boy?
Vicki Vallencourt: [after Bobby has gotten his test scores back] Well, Bobby Boucher, welcome to manhood. I'll make sure to welcome you properly later.
Bobby Boucher: Once again, I'm not quite sure what that means.
Mama Boucher: [to Bobby] You don't have what they call "the social skills." That's why you never have any friends, 'cept fo' yo' mama.
Coach Klein: [after football player spits loogie in water tank] Are you all right?
Bobby Boucher: I wasn't gonna do nothin', coach!
Coach Klein: Well ya better do something. You gotta stick up for yourself, Bobby.
Bobby Boucher: But what about the finally tuned athletic machine?
Coach Klein: I am not telling you to go on a shooting rampage!
Bobby Boucher: [searching for #62] Sixty-two, sixty-two... there you are!
[upon hearing that Bobby Boucher has been benched]
Townie: Oh no! We suck again!
Guy Grenouille: I don't want that loser on the team. Everybody's gonna laugh at us.
Lyle Robideaux: Everybody already 'is' laughing at us. We haven't won a game since nineteen-ninety-FOUR.
Paco: Hey Walter! I bet you fifty bucks Guy Grenouille throws a touchdown pass on the first play. Check it out!
Paco: [Guy Grenouille throws an interception] Woo hoo hoo hoo! You owe me fifty bucks!
Walter: You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole!
Bobby Boucher: Good luck on the upcoming play.
West Mississippi Lineman: I'll be playing with your mama tonight.
Bobby Boucher: [stares at him] Sixty-two...
Guy Grenouille: Nice going, shithead. You lost us the football game.
Bobby Boucher: Sorry. Will you please still be my friend?
Guy Grenouille: No, get away from me.
Bobby Boucher: Excuse me, ladies, while I just go hang myself.
Mama Boucher: Are men supposed to wear pyjamas featuring a cartoon character by the name of Deputy Dawg?
Mama Boucher: [after Vicki Vallencourt mentions a football game] Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other... 'Member when dat man wanted you to play foos-ball, Bobby?
Dan Fouts: [For the 3rd time] Last game of the year Brent, can't hold anything back now.
Brent Musburger: I know.
Derek Wallace: [Preparing for an onside kick, looking at the Cougar players lining up, deciding who to kick it to] Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be...
[sees a wide-eyed Cougar player]
Derek Wallace: Oh yeah, there's my bitch.
Jimmy Johnson: You know, Red's gotta couple solid early rounders out there.
Bill Cowher: I know. But, I really wanted to scout that Waterboy. He reminds me of Greg Lloyd.
Jimmy Johnson: Nah, Zach Thomas.
Bill Cowher: Whatever.
Coach Red Beaulieu: Coach Laski, get over here!
Laski: Yes, sir, Coach?
Coach Red Beaulieu: What is that moron doing here? Huh? Didn't I tell you as plain as I could speak to get rid of his ass last year?
Laski: Yes, sir. But I didn't think you were serious, Coach. Besides, he does a great job.
Coach Red Beaulieu: Disrupting my football team, you idiot! Eighteen years of this is enough!
Coach Red Beaulieu: Hey, Waterboy!
Bobby Boucher: Yes, Mr. Coach Beaulieu?
Coach Red Beaulieu: You're fired!
Bobby Boucher: Ok.