Vegas Vacation (1997)
Hoover Dam Guide: Welcome everyone. I am your dam guide, Arnie. Now I'm about to take you through a fully funtional power plant, so please, no one wander off the dam tour and please take all the dam pictures you want. Now are there any dam questions?
Cousin Eddie: Yeah, where can I get some damn bait?
Clark Griswold: [to his kids, played by the fourth different set of actors in as many "Vacation" movies] You guys are growing up so fast, I hardly recognize you anymore!
[Marty points to the Table Limit Sign $10 minimum]
Marty: Come on, Griswold, You think that sign is there to hold the table down?
Clark Griswold: What can I do with five dollars?
Marty: Gee, I don't know. Buy a bullet and rent a gun?
Marty: You don't know when to quit, do ya Griswold? Here's an idea: Why don't you give me half the money you were gonna bet? Then, we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it a day!
Clark Griswold: Eddie, has anyone ever told you you're bad luck?
Cousin Eddie: Those were my mother's dying words. But I guess if your body's covered in third degree burns, and your foot's caught in a bear trap, you tend to start talkin' crazy.
Rusty: [trying to get Clark's attention] Dad?
Clark Griswold: In a minute Russ.
[talking to Cousin Eddie]
Clark Griswold: You see the promise of material possesions can often blind one to...
[Rusty taps Clark on the arm]
Clark Griswold: What is it, Russ?
Rusty: Those four cars over there... they're mine.
Clark Griswold: [surprised] What do you mean they're... they're yours?
Clark Griswold: [suspiciously] Where did they come from, Russ?
Rusty: Well, four slot machines and I won four cars. You know, I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car.
Clark Griswold: I-I-I, okay, I think I get it. Give me the keys, please.
[Rusty hands Clark all the car keys]
Clark Griswold: Okay! Ellen you drive the red one,
[hands car keys to Ellen]
Clark Griswold: you take the white one,
[hands car keys to Audrey]
Clark Griswold: you take the Mustang,
[hands car keys to Rusty]
Clark Griswold: and I'll take that big, black thing over there. After you, Mr. Pappagiorgio!
Clark Griswold: Eddie, I gambled away more money than you'll ever understand.
Cousin Eddie: Try me.
Clark Griswold: [whispering] Twenty-two thousand eight hundred dollars.
Cousin Eddie: [shouting] Oh God! Oh God! Oh my shhhhooddd! Oh God! Oh my God!
Cousin Eddie: That's it Clark... show him who's boss. It's people like you who come here and blow the family nest egg that built this town... not this pretty boy!
Cousin Eddie: Oh yeah, Yuban Coffee. You know you can sprinkle that stuff on anything? Ice cream, mashed potatoes, or just eat it right out of the can for a quick pick me up.
Cousin Eddie: I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.
Clark Griswold: Thanks for the pick me up Eddie.
Clark Griswold: [Clark and Ellen have found Audrey dancing at the Club Aereola] Audrey! What are you doing? Ten years of tap dancing lessons and this is the way you repay us?
Audrey Griswold: What? You told me to get a summer job!
[Clark is playing blackjack]
Clark Griswold: Twenty. I'll stay.
Marty: [flips over his card] Wha...? It's twenty. It's a push!
Clark Griswold: I didn't lose!
Marty: That's it, Griswold! You are freakin dead!
Mirage Reception Person: Welcome to the Mirage. May I have your credit card, please?
Clark Griswold: Yes, indeedy. Clark W. Griswold, four.
Mirage Reception Person: You know, we have an excellent dry cleaning service here, if you're so inclined.
Clark Griswold: Oh, uh? it's? it's a bbbirthmark.
Mirage Reception Person: Uh-huh. Now in order to get to your rooms, you're going to have to go this way through the casino, veer to the left. Take a sharp right at the first giant palm tree. You'll see a group of blackjack tables. Not baccarat, not craps, blackjack. Keep going, then wind around to your left. If you get to the pool, you've gone too far, back up and take another right. You'll see a bank of elevators. Those aren't your elevators, stay away from them. But keep going, you'll see another bank of elevators, the gold elevators, those are yours. Take them up to the tenth floor, take a right at the end of the hall and you'll find your room. Any questions?
Clark Griswold: Uh-uh-uh no not really. Russ!
Rusty: Yeah, dad.
Clark Griswold: Oh, there you are. Didja get that?
Cousin Catherine: I don't care if you ruined my life. I love you!
Cousin Catherine: [looking around Hoover Damn in awe] Oh, I love electricity. Eddie says we're gonna get some soon.
Marty: Woo hoo... Big bet for a BIG man... Sure you don't want to save a few bucks for the buffet?
Cousin Vicki: [Lounging by a pool with Audrey, looking at hunky guys] These boys ain't much to talk to, but if you need a night away from your cat, they're more than fine.
Clark Griswold: *Ellen switches off the TV* Hard six coming out.
Ellen Griswold: What?
Clark Griswold: Hit me. *Ellen slaps him in the dark*
Clark Griswold: Ow.
Ellen Griswold: [Clark and Ellen have found Rusty in the hot tub] Oh my Lord... Rusty!
Girl in Hot Tub: Oh, you must be lost. This is Mr. Pappagiorgio.
Clark Griswold: His name is not Pappagiorgio! His name is Rusty Griswold and he's a C+ student! Now out of the pool, let's go young man! Now!
[Clark yanks Rusty out of the hot tub]
Rusty: [about Las Vegas] Isn't there legalized prostitution?
Wayne Newton: [to Clark, about Ellen] Very special lady.
Clark Griswold: That's why I entered into the sacred bond of marriage with her.
Rusty: Can't you just wrap me up in a blanket and roll me across the bed again?
Wayne Newton: Ellen, I've always been a moral man. But my resolve is melting in the light of your blinding smile.
Ellen Griswold: Um, maybe you're just hungry, would you like some more pasta?
Cousin Eddie: Come on, Clark, the night is young... they're giving away free hot sandwiches at the blood bank.
Cousin Eddie: Every time I belch, the plate shifts and my legs give out. But man, what a view.
Cousin Eddie: OH MY GOD... it's Wayne Newton! Can I be your bodyguard? I'd die for ya.
[stares at Wayne and pats his head]
Clark Griswold: [inside the sleezy casino] I need to go somewhere a man can think.
Cousin Eddie: Oh, oh I wouldn't do that here Clark, the stalls are awefully dirty and they're backed up all the time.
Clark Griswold: No, Eddie, I need to be alone.
Cousin Eddie: Oh, oh I see, ya want me to go with ya?
Clark Griswold: Allright,come on.
Ellen Griswold: Well, I hope you kids have learned something about the dangers of gambling.
Pit Boss: [inspecting Rusty's fake ID / quizzing him on it] No, uh, corrective lenses tonight?
Rusty: No, I do not require them.
Cousin Vicki: Hey, you wanna dance up here?
Audrey Griswold: No, I don't think so.
Cousin Vicki: Audrey, honey, let me tell you something that I've learned. In this world you're either up on the stage in the spotlight, or down in the pit serving drinks. So have some fun.
Aki: Did you come to Las Vegas to be a showgirl?
Audrey Griswold: No. I'm on vacation with my parents.
Cousin Vicki: [rowdy] Hard to believe we're related, right?
Clark Griswold: [running up to Dean, the Pit Boss] Hey! Have you seen this person?
[holds up picture of Rusty]
Pit Boss: [examining the picture] Hm. Mr. Pappagiorgio, yeah. Lanai Six.
Clark Griswold: My son.
Pit Boss: [confused] Mr. Pappagiorgio?
Clark Griswold: [confused as well; to Ellen] Let's go.
[they run off]
Pit Boss: [catching onto what's going on] Oh boy, oh boy.
[picks up phone to call security]
Audrey Griswold: [watching as Wayne Newton brings Ellen up on stage with him] Well, I think we know who sent the dress.
Cousin Vicki: [Audrey's climbing to the top of Vegas Vic] Audrey! What're you doing up there?
Audrey Griswold: I'm starting my vacation!
Aki: She's gonna break a lot of heart.
Cousin Vicki: She's gonna break something!
Clark Griswold: Where in the hell is the damn dam tour?
Clark Griswold: [as they watch Vicki pole dance] Don't think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Russ.
Cousin Vicki: How is your chicken? Mine is dry as hell.
Audrey Griswold: Mine's dry as hell too.
Cousin Vicki: If you want to hang out with cousin Vicki tonight, I'll give you my beeper number.
Audrey Griswold: Really? That would be great!
Clark Griswold: [when he stares at a woman's breasts while hiding] Nice place for a pearl necklace.
Cousin Eddie: It is a blazer out there. You're lucky you got air conditioning in here like mother nature intended.
Clark Griswold: I've lost three hundred dollars in fifteen minutes?
[Eddie, having taken a sip of beer, chokes and spits it out]
Cousin Catherine: Renewing your wedding vows? Oh, that's so wonderful! I wish Eddie and I had time for that sort of thing. But with the constant wind storms, flash floods, oppressive heat, and home schooling... we don't have a minute free... could you hand me that oven mitt?