Shared with you
- James Edwards: Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?
- Zed: [noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son?
- Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson: Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!
- Zed: [throws Edwards a contemptible glance as Edwards laughs] What's so funny, Edwards?
- James Edwards: Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.
- Edwards: Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
- Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- Edwards: What's the catch?
- Kay: The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
- [starts walking away]
- Edwards: [shouting after Kay] Hey! Is it worth it?
- Kay: Oh yeah, it's worth it...
- [starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]
- Kay: ... if you're strong enough!
- Kay: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
- Jay: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
- Kay: There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
- Zed: You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.
- James Edwards: Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?
- Zed: [noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son?
- Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson: Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!
- Zed: [throws Edwards a contemptible glance as Edwards laughs] What's so funny, Edwards?
- James Edwards: Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.
- Jay: All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
- Kay: Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
- [to candidates rejected as MIB agents]
- Zed: Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. Now please step this way, as we provide you with our final test: an eye exam...
- [a series of flashes occur]
- [In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]
- Zed: May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
- James Edwards: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
- Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
- James Edwards: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.
- [pause]
- James Edwards: Or do I owe her an apology?
- [pause]
- James Edwards: That's a good shot though...
- Zed: Kay, give the kid a weapon.
- [Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
- Kay: A Series Four De-atomizer.
- Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.
- Kay: [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
- Jay: [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you - you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I - I get a little - little midgy cricket?
- Kay: [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! Kid...
- [grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
- Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!
- [K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]
- Kay: You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
- [plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
- Kay: That's better.
- [mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
- Jay: Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!
- [K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
- Jay: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
- Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
- [Jay and Kay meet a strange-looking man holding a dog on a leash]
- Jay: [1:06:33] Now that's the worst disguise ever. That guy's gotta be an alien.
- Frank the Pug: You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt!
- Kay: All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
- Jay: Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
- Kay: A standard issue neuralyzer.
- Jay: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
- Kay: On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.
- Jay: Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.
- Dr. Weaver: What's with the cat?
- Cop in Morgue: Oh, the cat. Yeah, well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
- Dr. Weaver: [signing] What's the problem with the cat?
- Cop in Morgue: It's your problem.
- [leaves chortling at his own joke]
- Dr. Weaver: I hate the living.
- Kay: This caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the great attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
- [J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus]
- Jay: [to startled passengers] It just be raining black people in New York!
- [after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
- Jay: And what, we don't like bugs?
- Kay: Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
- Jay: You were stung as a child, weren't you?
- Kay: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
- Kay: Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
- Jay: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
- Kay: One hour.
- Jay: One hour... then what?
- [the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
- Jay: Oh, now that's bullshit.
- [the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
- Kay: Look, kid, to keep the bugs from getting it, the Arquillians WILL destroy that galaxy.
- Zed: And whatever planet it's on.
- Jay: You're talking about us?
- Zed: [chuckles] Sucks, huh?
- Jay: What branch of the government do we report to?
- Kay: None, they ask too many questions.
- Jay: So who pays for all this?
- Kay: We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from the visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It'll replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the 'White Album' again.
- Jay: That's fun.
- Kay: It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?
- Kay: Do you remember the little red button?
- Jay: [warily] Yeah...
- Kay: Push the little red button.
- [Jay pushes it]
- Kay: And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
- [the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]
- Jay: Kay! Kayyyyy!
- [the Edgar-Bug has just captured the deputy medical examiner Laurel Weaver and is holding her at ray-gunpoint]
- Kay: Let her go, shit eater.
- Bug: Oh, listen, monkey boy. Compared to you humans, I'm on the top of the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all right?
- Kay: You're breaking my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills.
- Bug: You ever pull the wings off a fly? You care to see the fly get even?
- [J crushes cockroaches, which enrages Edgar]
- Jay: Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!
- [Laurel Weaver looks at the two, amazed as Edgar leans close to Jay]
- Jay: You better ease up out of my face before something bad happen to you.
- [Kay cocks his gun while inside Edgar's stomach]
- Jay: Too late.
- [He gets blasted into two from inside, Kay falls down next to Jay as they both are covered in slime]
- Jay: [stepping on some cockroaches] Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? Then that must be your uncle over there!
- INS Agent Janus: [seeing K take an immigrant into custody] Sir! Sir, you can't do that...!
- Kay: Don't "Sir" me, young man, you have no idea who you're dealing with!
- Kay: [at newsstand] We'll check the hot sheets.
- Jay: *These* are the hot sheets?
- Kay: Best investigative reporting on the planet. Read the New York Times if you want, they get lucky sometimes.
- Jay: I cannot believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids.
- Kay: [front-age article about farmer's stolen skin] Not looking for. Found.
- NYPD Sergeant at Edwards ' Interrogation: Edwards, if you were half the man that I am...
- Jay: Hey man, what are you talking about? I AM half the man that you are!
- Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it! It IS poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!
- [Just then, a flying saucer smashes his truck, and Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
- Edgar: Figures.
- [Dr. Weaver is trying to stall Edgar so she can escape]
- Dr. Weaver: You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen, a goddess even. There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to impress you, I'm just warning you it could start a war.
- Edgar: War? Good. That means more food for my family. All 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Highness.
- Dr. Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying HERE!
- [escapes]