Men in Black (1997)
Tommy Lee Jones: Kay
Edwards : Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
Kay : A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
Edwards : What's the catch?
Kay : The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
[starts walking away]
Edwards : [shouting after Kay] Hey! Is it worth it?
Kay : Oh yeah, it's worth it...
[starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]
Kay : ... if you're strong enough!
Kay : We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Jay : Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Kay : There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
Zed : Kay, give the kid a weapon.
[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
Kay : A Series Four De-atomizer.
Jay : That's what I'm talkin' about.
Kay : [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
Jay : [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you - you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I - I get a little - little midgy cricket?
Kay : [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! Kid...
[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
Jay : Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!
Jay : All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
Kay : Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
Kay : All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
Jay : Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
Kay : A standard issue neuralyzer.
Jay : And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Kay : On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.
Jay : Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.
Kay : This caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the great attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
[K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]
Kay : You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
[plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
Kay : That's better.
[mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
Jay : Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!
[K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
Jay : You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay : No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
Kay : Do you remember the little red button?
Jay : [warily] Yeah...
Kay : Push the little red button.
[Jay pushes it]
Kay : And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
[the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]
Jay : Kay! Kayyyyy!
Kay : Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Jay : A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Kay : One hour.
Jay : One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay : Oh, now that's bullshit.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
Kay : Look, kid, to keep the bugs from getting it, the Arquillians WILL destroy that galaxy.
Zed : And whatever planet it's on.
Jay : You're talking about us?
Zed : [chuckles] Sucks, huh?
[Jay has just helped deliver an alien baby]
Kay : Congratulations, Reg. It's a... squid.
[after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
Jay : And what, we don't like bugs?
Kay : Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
Jay : You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Kay : Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
[the Edgar-Bug has just captured the deputy medical examiner Laurel Weaver and is holding her at ray-gunpoint]
Kay : Let her go, shit eater.
Bug : Oh, listen, monkey boy. Compared to you humans, I'm on the top of the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all right?
Kay : You're breaking my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills.
Bug : You ever pull the wings off a fly? You care to see the fly get even?
Jay : What branch of the government do we report to?
Kay : None, they ask too many questions.
Jay : So who pays for all this?
Kay : We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from the visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It'll replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the 'White Album' again.
Jay : That's fun.
Kay : It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?
Kay : Oh, the red button there kid, don't ever, ever touch the red button!
Kay : Meet the Twins, Bweryang and Bob.
Kay : [at newsstand] We'll check the hot sheets.
Jay : *These* are the hot sheets?
Kay : Best investigative reporting on the planet. Read the New York Times if you want, they get lucky sometimes.
Jay : I cannot believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids.
Kay : [front-age article about farmer's stolen skin] Not looking for. Found.
Kay : [looking skywards] They're beautiful, aren't they?
Jay : What?
Kay : The stars.
Jay : K, you're frightening your partner...
Kay : I haven't been looking for a partner. I've been looking for a replacement.
Jay : K, I can NOT do this by myself, all right?
Dr. Weaver : Hey, guys, can you drop me off home? My apartment isn't in this area...
Kay : I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
Jay : All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.
Kay : Two minutes.
INS Agent Janus : Who are you, really?
Kay : Really?
[puts on a pair of sunglasses]
Kay : I am just a figment of your imagination.
Kay : Damn, what a gullible breed... I'm serious, fellas, you're lucky to be alive after a blast like that.
INS Agent Janus : What blast?
Kay : Underground gas main, genius! You fellas need to exercise a lot more caution before discharging your firearms, I'll tell you that much right now. Especially you.
[points at Janus]
Kay : Now have yourselves checked out with EMS on the other side of the hill before you leave.
Kay : Did anything about that seem unusual to you?
Kay : In the mid-50s the government started an underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everyone thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us that first night. Seven agents, one astronomer,
[MiB photo of himself with an alien]
Kay : and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.
Jay : Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers.
Kay : This way... They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted Earth for an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see 'Casablanca?' Same thing, except no Nazis. We agreed and concealed all the evidence of their landing.
Jay : So these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was a cover-up for their landing?
Kay : Why else hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and live among us in secret.
Jay : Look, I'm sorry. Not to change the subject, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?
Kay : Six months ago. It's company policy.
Jay : Make another appointment.
Edgar : You idiots! You don't get it - I've won! It's over! You're milksuckers! You don't matter! In fact, in just a few seconds you won't even BE matter!
Kay : You're under arrest for violating sections of the Tycho Treaty.
Jay : So hand over whatever galaxy you are carrying and step away from your busted-ass vehicle and put your hands on your head.
Edgar : I'll put my hands on my head. Like this?
[tears off his skin to reveal himself as the alien bug, and the agents proceed to fight him]
[explaining the neuralyzer to J]
Kay : Months, days, hours. Always face it forward.
Kay : We'll take it from here.
Kay : Put up your arms and all your flippers.
Kay : Z, get a containment unit to come down to the city morgue...
Zed : Containment will be of little point, old friend. Most of the aliens and ships are gone already. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets the cheque...
[sees the worms are leaving]
Zed : You miserable little ingrates!
Jeebs : [Edwards enters his store] Officer Eduardo! How did these get here? I thought I turned these into the proper authorities.
Jay : Well, the way I hear it Jeebs, you're into something hotter than some stolen Rolexes.
Jeebs : I'm also a huge crack dealer now, but I still work here because I love the hours.
Jay : I'm talking about guns, smart-ass. Weird ones.
Jeebs : Come on, Edwards. What you see is what I got.
Kay : [enters the store] Why don't you show him the imports, Jeebs?
Jeebs : Hiya, Kay. How are you?
Kay : Show him the imports right now!
Jeebs : Yeah... I got out of that business a long time ago.
Kay : Why do you lie to me Jeebs? I hate it when you lie.
Jeebs : Now, just hold on a second...
Kay : [aims his gun at Jeebs] I'm gonna count to three.
Jay : He'll do it, Jeebs.
Kay : One.
Jay : I'm telling you, that man does not look stable.
Kay : Two.
Jay : You know what? Talk to me; he... he is just crazy when he's like this
Jeebs : He's always crazy. Why don't you get a message? Take a cruiser...
Kay : Three!
[Blows Jeebs' head off]
Jay : [aims his gun at Kay] Drop the weapon and put your hands on your head!
Kay : I warned him.
Jay : DROP THE WEAPON!
Kay : You warned him.
Jay : Don't make me kill you.
Jeebs : [as his head grows back, Jay looks in astonishment] You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings?
Kay : Show us the merchandise, or you going to lose another head, Jeebs.
[Jeebs rotates the cases and everything is replaced by alien guns]
Kay : Mr. Edwards?
Jay : Right there... The one in the middle.
Kay : You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopod! Jeebs, you piece of sh...
Jeebs : He looked alright to me.
Kay : It must have been for an assassination. Who's the target?
Jeebs : You know I don't know.
Kay : [aims his gun at Jeebs' head] GODAMNIT, JEEBS!
Jeebs : I DON'T KNOW!
Kay : All right, let's confiscate it; all of it. And I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.
Jay : [shaken] Yeah, an... and... and I'ma be back t-to talk about them Rolexes.
[he and Jay leave the store]
Kay : [Camera pans the Manhattan skyline, Kay is talking with Jay about MiB] Yeah, at any one time there's about two million aliens on the planet - most of them are right here in Manhattan...
Jay : Dr. uh... Whatever, come here.
Dr. Weaver : Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?
Kay : Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.
Dr. Weaver : I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.
Dr. Weaver : [still disoriented from being neuralyzed] Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.
Kay : Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please.
[neuralyzes her again]
Jay : Would you stop that!
Kay : What?
Jay : That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or something!
Kay : Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.
Jay : Never hurt her before? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?
Kay : Couple.
Jay : So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?
Kay : A little.
Jay : K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay : No.
Jay : I ain't playing with you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay : No.