Solomon: [voiceover] Life is beautiful. Really, it is. Full of beauty and illusions. Life is great. Without it, you'd be dead.
Tummler: [voiceover] I knew a guy who was dyslexic, but he was also cross-eyed, so everything came out right.
Tummler: I'm pretty smart, if I say so myself.
Huntz: Why is that?
Tummler: This afternoon, we walked into a fruit store, and the clerk thinks I'm some out-of-town hick. "Those apples will be two bucks each," he tells me. That's where I outsmarted him. I pass over a five. And as he's about to give me a dollar change, I say, "Keep it, we're even. On the way in, I stepped on a grape."
Solomon: [voiceover] Tummler sees everything. Some say he's downright evil. He's got what it takes to be a legend. He's got a marvelous persona.
Tummler: When I sit down to eat, I get sexy! When I go to bed, I get hungry! I saw a man lying in the street, and I said, "Can I help you?" He said, "No. I just found a parking space. Now I'm waiting for my wife to go buy a car!"
Eddie: I take Ritalin, this kind of prescription drug. It's not like a drug that fucks you up. If anything, it makes you normal.
Solomon: [voiceover] These two kids I know, these two brothers. They murdered their parents. They both claim to be raised as Jehovah Witnesses. They came to school in really nice shorts and polished tennis sneakers. And their shirts were always collared with buttons, and their hair was always slicked back. And their teeth were always brushed, and their shirts and pants were always ironed, and their shoes were never scuffed up or anything like that. They seemed to have a wonderful life. I don't know what went wrong.
Tummler's Father: That little girl from Salt Lake City / Two quart legs and two rubber titties / Loves electricity, but she burns off gas / Got a V8 pussy and a Cadillac ass.
Tummler: [voiceover] Without wood, there'd be no America. No ships to bring the pilgrims across the ocean. No log cabins, no schoolhouses, no churches, no covered wagons, no railroad ties, no cigar store Indians, no nothin'.
Solomon: [voiceover] Xenia, Ohio. Xenia, Ohio. A few years ago, a tornado hit this place. It killed the people, left and right. Dogs died. Cats died. Houses were split open, and you could see necklaces hanging from branches of trees. People's legs and neck bones were sticking out. Oliver found a leg on his roof. A lot of people's fathers died, and were killed by the great tornado. I saw a girl fly through the sky, and I looked up her skirt. Her skull was smashed. And some kids died. My neighbor was killed in that house. He used to ride bikes and three-wheelers. They never found his head. I always thought that was funny. People died in Xenia. Before dad died, he had a bad case of the diabetes.
Solomon: Do you love me?
Solomon: Do you think I'm attractive?
Cassiday: No. You look fine just the way you are - skinny.
Tummler: Know what I'm doing tomorrow?
Tummler: Going to an insane asylum.
Solomon: Insane asylum?
Tummler: Gonna get me a raving beauty.
[Tummler is aiming his BB gun at a cat]
Solomon: You got this one?
Solomon: [looks at the cat, and lowers Tummler's BB gun] Don't kill the bitch. It's a house cat.
[the cat runs off]
Tummler: It's a lesbian cat. You can tell.
Solomon: Looks like my mom.
Cowboy #1: Damn you, rabbit! You smell like fuckin' piss!
Cowboy #1: This shitty-ass rabbit stinks!
Cowboy #2: I know.
Cowboy #1: He smells like pussy! He smells like an asshole!
Cowboy #2: [to Bunny Boy, the "rabbit"] Hey, motherfucker!
Cowboy #1: Smells like wetback dick!
Cowboy #2: They smell like a pound of bullshit!
Boy on Couch: I had a lesbian midwife who gave birth to my mother, while I was born through my mother's womb.
Solomon: [voiceover] My father worked the late shift as a bathroom attendant. My father was mugged on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. For the rest of his days on earth, my father never celebrated this holiday.
Darby: Foot-Foot, where you been? You smell like a dookie, girl.
Tummler: This baker, had gravy on his vest, gravy on his tie, gravy on his pants, gravy all over him. So he went to his grave, with gravy on his vest, gravy on his tie, gravy on his pants, gravy all over him. That dirty old man!
Tummler: [voiceover] His dad never gave a crap. Not even at the end of his game. It was scary to see him despondent like that. His dad didn't care for mom much either, or the little doggy. He started going to church, and he started listening to the gospels. It was expected when he robbed the neighbors. He took their wine, and he took some rings, and fine jewelry. I think he got a fur coat as well. When he had a kid, he didn't think to watch his ways. He thought the same as his daddy.
Skinhead #1: Why don't you gimme them shoes?
Skinhead #2: 'Cause they're new, and I don't give you new shoes.